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It is rare to be blessed with a perfect family. I did not have a family when young so as I traveled through life I observed the unit we call family. Some I observed over time when associations permitted. A perfect family is very rare and how children care for their families is often a cultural trait. What a child does is a statement about the character of that child. Most families care for their children through at least high school, so that is about 18 years. Thus it would be rational to expect children to care for their parents for 18 years to at least even the books. A child of higher character would of course exceed that. Those that we call bad parents likely suffer from mental illness or ignorance.
I would never recommending caretaking for parents who sexually abused you as a child. All the boundaries were violated and to provide any intimate care for them is at risk of re-victimization. I don't care if they are in a coma......I wouldn't do anything for them. Let some social agency look after them. If they were physically or emotionally abusive....I would also stay away....the control and abuse characteristics and dynamics would make you vulnerable all over again......AND....I would fear old anger and resentment might interfere with caregiving......."I got you now you SOB".
A child parent relationship colored by such abuse is broken and it is healthier in my opinion to stay away.
It is rare to be blessed with a perfect family. ... Those that we call bad parents likely suffer from mental illness or ignorance.
Indeed.
What I see happen a lot are parents who did a slipshod job of raising kids expecting to be treated like visiting royalty when they need care.
One neighbor was a wonderful mother. Her kids visited all the time and helped her out when she needed it. She baked and cooked and loved on the grandkids, had friends and activities and worked in her garden.
The neighbor on the other side had kids who visited rarely. She constantly complained about how much they owed her because she raised them, like they were a homegrown retirement plan that went awry.
Wondering what you would do if the situation ever arouse where a parent who was abusive to you as a child needed to be taken care of?
I was physically abused by my father from ages 13-17 when I put a stop to it. I agree with the people who said that if you were sexually abused there is NO WAY I could see you being their caregiver.
I was a caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's. Nighttimes were pretty bad and good old Dad didn't take well to being woken up by Mom's chatting and looking for her boyfriend, and thinking she could have a "girly" chat with me since she thought I was her sister. After about two years of this, one night he blew. He came toward me with his fist raised and I was transported back to my teens (I'm 49). Then I snapped out of it and said "Go ahead Old Man - take your best freaking shot. Cause when I pick myself back up from that floor I am going to knock you into next week and you're then gonna find yourself in cuffs being taken outta this house and never coming back". He immediately retreated. Surprisingly the whole exchange SHOCKED my poor Mom out of her confused state and she rushed back into her old role of "Peacemaker".
I spoke to him the next day. Normally we never mention these things. Just brush it under the rug. But I confronted him calmly. I told him that although I had never mentioned to him what had gone on through-out my teen years I could assure him that I had never forgotten it. Forgiven it, yes - forgotten it, no. If he ever came at me like that again I meant what I said: He would be out of the house. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Now Mom is gone and he is 90 and needs my help. I go home dutifully every weekend to refill his fridge, cook his meals, pay the bills and pay him attention. Why? Because his vicious temper has chased everyone in his life away. He really has no one but me and that's sad. And also because I want to break this cycle of anger. I'm no one's victim - but I can be a consoler. I put that down to my Mom for instilling that in me. What a great lady.
I was physically abused by my father from ages 13-17 when I put a stop to it. I agree with the people who said that if you were sexually abused there is NO WAY I could see you being their caregiver.
I was a caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's. Nighttimes were pretty bad and good old Dad didn't take well to being woken up by Mom's chatting and looking for her boyfriend, and thinking she could have a "girly" chat with me since she thought I was her sister. After about two years of this, one night he blew. He came toward me with his fist raised and I was transported back to my teens (I'm 49). Then I snapped out of it and said "Go ahead Old Man - take your best freaking shot. Cause when I pick myself back up from that floor I am going to knock you into next week and you're then gonna find yourself in cuffs being taken outta this house and never coming back". He immediately retreated. Surprisingly the whole exchange SHOCKED my poor Mom out of her confused state and she rushed back into her old role of "Peacemaker".
I spoke to him the next day. Normally we never mention these things. Just brush it under the rug. But I confronted him calmly. I told him that although I had never mentioned to him what had gone on through-out my teen years I could assure him that I had never forgotten it. Forgiven it, yes - forgotten it, no. If he ever came at me like that again I meant what I said: He would be out of the house. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Now Mom is gone and he is 90 and needs my help. I go home dutifully every weekend to refill his fridge, cook his meals, pay the bills and pay him attention. Why? Because his vicious temper has chased everyone in his life away. He really has no one but me and that's sad. And also because I want to break this cycle of anger. I'm no one's victim - but I can be a consoler. I put that down to my Mom for instilling that in me. What a great lady.
Wow!
I've read your post several times and my response is the same each time.
Over the years, I've noticed that abusers are selective about their victims. The guy who says his anger gets the best of him and he hits his kids or wife rarely takes a swing at his boss.
My mother beat the stuffing out of me several times a week until my early teens. One day, she was flailing away with a wire fly swatter and I decided I'd had enough. I grabbed it away by the business end and took a swing at her.
She told me on no uncertain terms that if I hit her, she was going to put me in a foster home. I told her if she ever hit me again, I'd make the call myself.
And that was the end of the beatings.
Wish I had learned this lesson earlier. Like you, I've forgiven but not forgotten.
I was physically abused by my father from ages 13-17 when I put a stop to it. ...I told him that although I had never mentioned to him what had gone on through-out my teen years I could assure him that I had never forgotten it. Forgiven it, yes - forgotten it, no. If he ever came at me like that again I meant what I said: He would be out of the house. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Now Mom is gone and he is 90 and needs my help. I go home dutifully every weekend to refill his fridge, cook his meals, pay the bills and pay him attention. Why? Because his vicious temper has chased everyone in his life away. He really has no one but me and that's sad. And also because I want to break this cycle of anger. I'm no one's victim - but I can be a consoler. I put that down to my Mom for instilling that in me. What a great lady.
Good for you.
For some time now, I've been searching for the words to convey how remarkable this is to not only stand up for yourself but to take the next step in extending a helping hand because he's your father, not because he's earned it.
For some time now, I've been searching for the words to convey how remarkable this is to not only stand up for yourself but to take the next step in extending a helping hand because he's your father, not because he's earned it.
To be perfectly honest, it has terrified me my whole life that I am very much like him. My one goal in life is to be as forgiving, as peaceful, as loving and a true lady like my Mom was. And in addition, I stick with him because that is what SHE would want me to do. It honors her.
You know, I said to my shrink once in the throes of my Mom's Alzheimer's what a crazy sad house the three of us lived in: (1) You had Mom longing and calling out for her old boyfriend Andy (from the War Years) who was never going to come and return her love; (2) You had me longing for my old Mommy back and craving that unconditional love she had once given me so freely; and finally (3) You had Dad who desperately wanted me to love him as much as I loved my mother - something which I cannot do owing to the broken trust and events of my teenage years.
Ah, but love is fickle and family causes its own heartaches ....
I was my mother's handmaiden for 50 years. Sometimes i hated it and sometimes I resented her, but I stopped loving her or trying to help her. I cared for my father the last 90 days of his life. My parents died in hospitals. I cared for my chronically ill spouse for 25 years thru 7 diseases, building a hospice at home and finding the lifeless body on the floor. I did not hear the fall as I am mostly deaf. I buried my second child in January, and a beloved sister-in-law in April. The next death I want to see is my own, and hopefully at home.
My mother was totally devoted to us in every facet of our lives. She frequently made it clear in word and deed that motherhood was her most cherished priority and highest vocation.. I like to think I paid it back for the last 100 of the 140 days of her terminal illness.
My father ruined my childhood, scarred me, warped my mother, and managed to cost my sister and me $16,000 each. When his time comes, there'll be no help from me.
I was my mother's handmaiden for 50 years. Sometimes i hated it and sometimes I resented her, but I stopped loving her or trying to help her. I cared for my father the last 90 days of his life. My parents died in hospitals. I cared for my chronically ill spouse for 25 years thru 7 diseases, building a hospice at home and finding the lifeless body on the floor. I did not hear the fall as I am mostly deaf. I buried my second child in January, and a beloved sister-in-law in April. The next death I want to see is my own, and hopefully at home.
I hope you find peace. You certainly deserve it after all this.
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