Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Without reading most of the responces I say; Your Mother is blaming you for all the changes in her life. Even if you would not have moved her from her" happy: home,she would put the finger on you for her dislikes and unpleasent surroundings.
In my life I went out of my way to "do the right thing" for family, parents mostly, but also sib's, and at the end of the day I was the one who was the A-hole,or otherwise blacklisted, balled or whatever.
Over the years I have had time to think about it I have come to believe that those who have a strong idea of themselves come to resent anyone who comes to their rescue. And in order to save face they will disrep you anyway they can, And of course if anyone's around to listen to what is being said that one will run with it to save themselves from being in your place.
For me my recuing days are over,however it was at a great cost. I no longer have contact with ANY family. They act as if I don't exsist and so I don't return their calls.....
Do what you feel ,but don't expect thanks,or so much as a phone call if you stop calling first.
Bless you for caring and trying.
I really appreciate all the responses. I knew by reading posts for a few months that the majority of the posters here are kind, sympathetic folks, and that's why I chose to go ahead and write.
My parents closed on their house today, and even though they will continue to live with us for another 4-6 days, things feel better to everyone. They feel that they are moving closer to independence and so do my husband and I. I am hopeful things are changing for the better. I'm not naive, and I know hard days are ahead for all of us. I believe that the space will help though.
I can't thank you all enough for writing and sending your well-wishes. It's quite amazing how a little validation can lift one's spirits.
Peppermint, here's to you! Have a nice cup of coffee or glass of wine and know you have done well with the hand you were dealt. I'm so glad to hear things are easier today - hang in there and keep the faith - it WILL all work out somehow.
OP you are dealing with the sandwich generation. Welcome to our world. Aging, change, illness, lack of mobility, depression all are individually difficult but putting them all together can be a nightmare for many.
I took my mother into our home for more than 10 years and it almost cost me my marriage but I felt I had no choice. Even with a hug house with a level for each generation, it was difficult and tense. Finally I had to put her in assisted living when I could no longer handle her in the shower by myself. She resented the life I had made for myself, the things I had for my children she didn't have for her own, even b.i.t.c.h.e.d about why I had such a nice kitchen.
Most of her misery was caused by lack of control in her own life and I can certainly understand. No woman looks forward to their children making all the important decisions. The role reversal can be extremely difficult. I suggest you get as much help as possible and not let your parents sap you of your own private life. It just isn't worth it. Good luck.
I have to add that when I was the one who had to take the car keys away I became the mean lady who took away her car, when I had to exercise my POA cause she was not handling her finances correctly, i became the woman who stole her money. When I was the one who had to keep her meds and dole them out because she was making some terrible mistakes, I became the woman who kept her meds away from her and when I had to rehome her cats cause she could no longer care for them, I was the woman who made her get rid of her beloved pets. i was the bad guy all the way around while in fact I was busting my butt to make her as comfortable as possible.
I had a useless brother only 30 minutes away but he simply did not care and would not lift a finger untill his new 3rd wife figured out there might be some money in the situation and then she tried to sweep in and become the saving angel. She caused some tremendous problems, including legal problems but to an old woman with dementia she was being saved from her mean daughter. Finally a judge prevailed and my mother was saved from what surely would have been financial ruin if my brother and his wife had been allowed to do what they wanted to do. After they figured there was no money in it for them they crawled back under their rocks and left everybody alone. So beware of estranged siblings who may come back in the picture only to see what they can get out of it for themselves.
I'm going through something similar with my mother. She has significant memory loss but has a great deal of trouble accepting this...she wants to believe she's still the same active, sharp person she was forty years ago. As a result, she becomes very defense and lashes out.
I go with her to her doctor's appointments because she'll 'remember' that the doctor said something he never did, or she'll say the doctor said the exact opposite of what he told her. For two or three days after each appointment, she'll argue constantly about what the doctor said. I basically have to force her to admit she has problems to make her stop. As in..." Mom, you know you have memory problems. You know I don't. Why do you refuse to trust me? What reason could I possibly have to lie to you about what the doctor said?"
She'll also have 'flares' where she just completely flies off the handle at tiny things. I can handle her much better than my father because I try not to take things personally and he always does. So I end up getting in between them a lot...she'll try to write him really nasty notes and I have to talk her out of it, etc.
The absolute most infuriating thing is when she's upset at my sister or cousin, both of whom like to interfere without actually, you know, HELPING. She can't be mad at them for some reason, so she'll 'remember' things in such a way that everything is my fault. Recently my brother asked her to babysit his two very ill-behaved children. Mom really didn't want to (though she'd already agreed) and complained about it daily. My cousin told her just to call my brother and say she wasn't up to, which Mom did. Then she felt guilty for saying no...and started SCREAMING at me for making her refuse and call him. I literally had no role in this conversation at all.
The only advice I have is to take advantage of lucid moments and that written conversations can often work better when the other person is irrational. If I try to have a serious conversation with my mom, she'll twist things and keep repeating the same thing over and over. If I write it down, I can anticipate where she'll typically get 'stuck' and explain why that memory or excuse isn't valid. And don't be afraid to directly say "Mom, I know this is scary for you. But I'm not to blame because your life is changing."
YOU CANNOT REASON WITH A PERSON WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY
I should have had that tattooed on my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror i would be reminded. It would have saved me a lot of anguish. You think if you can just explain it clearly, slowly and in terms they can understand it will sink in. It doesn't work. Just stop knocking yourself out JJ and others trying to get them to understand simple concepts. They are not capable but will refuse to acknowledge it.
YOU CANNOT REASON WITH A PERSON WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY
I should have had that tattooed on my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror i would be reminded. It would have saved me a lot of anguish. You think if you can just explain it clearly, slowly and in terms they can understand it will sink in. It doesn't work. Just stop knocking yourself out JJ and others trying to get them to understand simple concepts. They are not capable but will refuse to acknowledge it.
So sad, but it's true. One of my dearest friends always tells me, "Peppermint, you don't have to explain everything to them (my parents). They cannot understand, and they do not need to be burdened with that information." Oh, it's so true! They do not care. They cannot care. They do not understand anymore.
I do so empathize. In 2009 my dad suffered a psychotic break. I feel that I lost the man my father was. I lost him within a two week time period. All of us mourned him. He is still here, sitting in my living room, but he's not the same. He says these horrible things about immigrants and gays, even though he's the person who taught me to accept and respect all people. And so many other things. He's just gone.
My mom's cancer and subsequent chemo has altered her personality. She cannot handle stress of any kind. She's changed significantly in the last nine months.
The changes in my parents are not their fault. They did not choose them. They did not want them. But! they happened, and for me, it felt like an instantaneous change. It's difficult. It's difficult to remember my friend is right. They cannot handle so much information. They cannot handle decisions or choices. It is comforting to know, though, none of us are alone in this.
YOU CANNOT REASON WITH A PERSON WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY
I should have had that tattooed on my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror i would be reminded. It would have saved me a lot of anguish. You think if you can just explain it clearly, slowly and in terms they can understand it will sink in. It doesn't work. Just stop knocking yourself out JJ and others trying to get them to understand simple concepts. They are not capable but will refuse to acknowledge it.
Oh, I know...in fact, that's my constant refrain to my cousin and sister. "Logic does not work! Stop thinking it will!"
But the hard part in my situation is that logic DOES work...but only when presented in the right way, and at just the right time. I can derail her and make her stop screaming/acting out more than anyone else because I know when logic will work and when it won't. In the end though, even when it DOES work, it never lasts more than a few hours before she forgets the conversations.
Of course, if I don't use logic and keep things very simple, I get screamed at for treating her like a child.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
