Thoughts on forcing an elderly parent (age 90) to move for their own well-being (in home, siblings)

[gentlearts]

Easy for strangers to advise you, but I know it must be very hard to confront a parent about these things.

One of the best tactics I heard about when my children were small was to use "the doctor said", as gouligann suggested, as a reason for why we must do certain things. I said things like, "I'd love to let you stay up later, but the doctor said that children your age need to be in bed by 8:00 pm." You might try this tactic on your FIL; "The doctor said it is time for you to stop driving, and go to a nice assisted living apartment. Sorry Dad, but we want what is best for you, so that is what we are going to do."
You MUST take away the car keys. No negotiating on that one, since he could kill someone. Once he loses the ability to get around, he might be less resistant to living somewhere where all his needs are met without driving.

[rohirette]

Originally Posted by Chaotic

Your FIL isn't senile, he's an adult who wants to live in his own home. God forbid an adult wants to live in their own home. "Oh, but he's 90 and he's a real burden on me and my husband." boo hoo He's family. Well, he's your husband's family. To you he's probably nothing more than a paycheck when he dies.

It's unfortunate that he's such an inconvenience to you and your pursuit of happiness. "We haven't been on a vacation in forever waaaaahhh." I know it's difficult for you, but try to remember that your FIL is human being and he's your husbands father. Sure, it would be easy to force him out of his home against his will, stick him in some strange place so that he can be out of your hair. Then maybe, if you're lucky, he'll die real quick before having to spend too much of his money on a nursing home(we don't want to dip in that inheritance too much, do we?) I mean, that's what you want, right? And it's all about what you want, right? It's not about what your FIL wants. He's just some old geezer keeping you from your happiness.

What is wrong with you?

[Kayekaye]

Chaotic is aptly named, 'nuff said.

Good luck OP this is a hard time, we have been through it with my folks a few years ago.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by Chaotic

Your FIL isn't senile, he's an adult who wants to live in his own home. God forbid an adult wants to live in their own home. "Oh, but he's 90 and he's a real burden on me and my husband." boo hoo He's family. Well, he's your husband's family. To you he's probably nothing more than a paycheck when he dies.

It's unfortunate that he's such an inconvenience to you and your pursuit of happiness. "We haven't been on a vacation in forever waaaaahhh." I know it's difficult for you, but try to remember that your FIL is human being and he's your husbands father. Sure, it would be easy to force him out of his home against his will, stick him in some strange place so that he can be out of your hair. Then maybe, if you're lucky, he'll die real quick before having to spend too much of his money on a nursing home(we don't want to dip in that inheritance too much, do we?) I mean, that's what you want, right? And it's all about what you want, right? It's not about what your FIL wants. He's just some old geezer keeping you from your happiness.

Is that how you are reading this? You are getting the wrong idea. My FIL is lonely. I said in a prior post that we love him. There have been changes; we see them. We also see the changes in the neighborhood which is in decline. He was robbed earlier this year. That's a worry for us.

I view myself as my husband's cheerleader. I personally could care less about going away on vacation for myself; my husband grew up as an only child taking the traditional 2 week drive around the state type vacation. We don't have those - if we get away for 2 nights (it's been awhile) for leisure, that's a lot.

My husband has been through a lot of stress and I see it. I'd rather stay in my own home and enjoy my family and neighbors.

I'm the one insisting my husband get more involved with his dad and there have been some positive aspects come from this. We have tried to keep him in own home but there have been some accidents and if he had been alone, he might not be here today.

A paycheck. Really? From the age of 15, I worked and had to support my own parents and eventually, I got married but still kept doing that. I would gladly help any of my family. Until they retired, my in-laws had nada, nada. We took them to dinner, gave them gifts - example - I used to take my sweet MIL shopping for clothes b/c no one else would - she would pick out what she wanted - it was fun.

I'm not talking a nursing home type place. I'm talking an independent living place with lots of social activities where he could be with others b/c I see he is lonely. He doesn't know what to do. Sure, he'd like to stay in his own house. Maybe he doesn't realize that down the street at the park is where tons of drug deals happen and a bad element is moving in. We see it.

He can afford independent living. He drives now. What if he gets in the car and goes into a canal? We have those here? What if he gets lost? Hits someone? The cars has a lot of dings on it. (Personally, I will not drive with someone over 75 and I don't drive much now).

The funny thing is - it would be cheaper for him to stay in his own home but we are willing to work with him on an independent living place - we also encouraged him to come and live with us - does that sound selfish? We work close to 100 hours a week and I am worried about my husband. He collapsed in March 2011 and I don't want that happening again.

I am not looking for his dad to depart this world. I want him to be happy. I think my prior posts say that but I also am a realist and I care about my husband's wellbeing as well as his dad. I also was quite a cheerleader for my MIL way before she got Alzheimers and I don't want the same thing happening to my FIL.

I was always the one who helped everyone in my family for years so I really resent your comments. I don't like taking other people's money - I like making my own, thank you very much.

I think you have misinterpreted my comments. Looking to see what others have done and what awaits us.
My own parents were communicative and open. Also, there were 4 of us to support each other emotionally; even if I had to support my parents again, I'd love to have them back! How dare you say that about us and our feelings? He's the only elder in our family left and we cherish that.

PS - Most people I speak to that know my FIL have been encouraging us to look at other options than him staying in his own home. We got his sister (age 91, almost 92, from PA) to stay with him longer but I had to make a few deals to make that happen, like getting the place cleaned on a regular basis and things fixed. (Since October, they have a new refrigerator, new stove, new microwave, plumbing stuff fixed, something with the water, maid service every 2 weeks, carpet not cleaned in 35 years now done; geez, Rome was not built in a day - I can't do all this stuff at once. The house needs TLC.)

[Bette]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

You MUST take away the car keys. No negotiating on that one, since he could kill someone. Once he loses the ability to get around, he might be less resistant to living somewhere where all his needs are met without driving.

We've made the phone call on this. It's very easy in Florida to get the license renewed. He passed the eye test but that's not the thing.

His reaction time is slow. The traffic around him is heavy. It's a concern.

My gosh, my parents had amazing friends who did a lot well into their 90's. I would love my FIL to be totally independent but he's not - years ago, he wouldn't even let my husband take care of the yard and now he does. My husband never said anything - he'd just go there and say - Hey, Dad, come on outside and let's work on the yard. Oh, and let me get a chair in case I need a break" - the chair was really for my FIL but my husband acted like he needed it. That worked. Plus, they got to spend time together which is what I wanted for both of them.

[Bette]

Some of my comments:
So, today, he drove to the ER (with his sister), they called us and are refusing to let him leave or drive without my husband being there due to his impaired judgment.

This is the 2nd time we have seen judgment issues in 2 weeks.

We don't know what to do. My husband hates confrontation

I think I started this post b/c my husband is concerned about his impaired judgment and the fact that the doctors would not let him drive home, something that has never happened before.

We have not done anything. Other than on this website, we have very few people to talk to about it. Most can't believe he's still on his own. Independent living here is a big deal and we have a large elderly population here.

I can list on one hand how many times over 3 days we've been away for leisure. That's almost 30 years.
I grew up in a family where vacations weren't really important; all self employed; had to be productive. My husband's family took vacations and he needs a break (his words). Is that so wrong?

Our children asked me what their dad wanted for Christmas. I told them he would love to get away. Part of the trip is on them. Our daughter is flying in at midnight; we pick her up 1 hour away; our son will drive in on Saturday; all working around work schedules. We will have 2 nights away - from 1 AM Saturday morning to 8 PM Sunday night - I guess that's our big vacation but that's it.

From the time my husband and I were married, we always had someone to take care of. Is it so wrong to take a few days for ourselves? Is that really awful?

I never meant to give the impression that my FIL was a burden - did I say that? I see a lonely man who would most likely be the most popular guy at one of these independent living places - that is what I envision. I just worry about him, that's all. If he was in a 55 plus community, maybe not so much but his neighborhood has changed (lots of foreclosures have occurred) and we are concerned. My husband is also.
(Did you catch the word thugs in my OP)?

FWIW, Chaotic, I think you got the wrong impression of us. I am sorry that happened.
If I did not care, we would have already done so and left the area but we feel compelled to be here and have him part of the family. And, I (wife) am the one who insists on it. Family is very important to me.

[Bette]

Originally Posted by Chaotic

It's unfortunate that he's such an inconvenience to you and your pursuit of happiness. "We haven't been on a vacation in forever waaaaahhh." I know it's difficult for you, but try to remember that your FIL is human being and he's your husbands father. Sure, it would be easy to force him out of his home against his will, stick him in some strange place so that he can be out of your hair. Then maybe, if you're lucky, he'll die real quick before having to spend too much of his money on a nursing home(we don't want to dip in that inheritance too much, do we?) I mean, that's what you want, right? And it's all about what you want, right? It's not about what your FIL wants. He's just some old geezer keeping you from your happiness.

Where did you get that about dipping into the inheritance? First of all, there's no big inheritance. My FIL has some savings but nothing you couldn't walk away from. All I said was that he gets SS and a pension and yes, he could afford monthly rent at an independent living place - I did NOT say nursing home. I did say his home needs $75K worth of work and would have to be demolished so basically worthless or negative equity b/c we'd have to rebuild. My husband is the only child - yes, anything there is goes to him.

FWIW, if he stays in his home, he might "save" more but we care about his well being and if we had to help with that (and we are), we would. How can you imply that we would stick him in some place? I know he misses the social interaction he used to have and I'm trying to recreate that for him. (Dancing is his love)

You also might be interested to know that I no longer drive, am blind in one eye since birth, poor vision in the other, and have always been the one to help with others in my family. I do have a very close family myself and I believe it's b/c we are there for each other.

My husband and I are viewing 2013 as a time to rebuild, repair and restructure our lives. We have been through hell. Today, he had 3 appointments. He had to cancel 2 of them to take his dad to a doctor's appointment and then to dinner. The appointment is in the middle of the day and they normally wait 2 hours. This makes it look bad when he has to cancel a scheduled appointment. We have told his father to make the appointments early in the AM or very late in the day to accommodate my husband's schedule.
Clients do not want to hear about your situation; they want their issues taken care of. Also, our son had to take off work to drive down there to move the father's car from Point A to his home. So, it's not like we're not trying.

[maggiekate]

Originally Posted by Bette

I'll check out McKeen Towers - may be too far for him - he was a Miami guy; then lived in Pembroke Pines or should I say lives.

Even coming as far north as Pompano Beach seems foreign to him.

My mom used to have tons of friends that went to Harbor's Edge in Delray Beach - mega bucks place but ooh la la - you are definitely taken care of. (Note to self: When I have to go to such a place, I want my children to make sure I land in one of those LOL).

We are going to enlist the doctor's help tomorrow. He's been a patient of his since 2004.

the carmelite sisters run this and I would be happy to live there my self it looks beautiful! I am also sure
they would welcome him. I think if he did visit the places he would be happy and make friends if he did decide he liked one and the people there.

[AZgarden]

Hi Bette:
It seems like you have 3 choices, none of which will appease him. You can hire inhome care thru a nursing agency. They charge about $21 an hour, but he might be will ing to take in part time care, to start with, and then might get to liking the person. I started this way with my mom. Before she left her own home she had 29 hours a week and was happy. But the meals on wheels social worker demanded that she not be left alone, at all, so we had to move her to AZ.
I told her I had to do this or they were going to put me in jail. She beleived me.

Then I chose a large retirement facility for her. She lasted there 3 months and I took her out. She was too confused to participate in any activities and the place was cold and uncaring, in the end.

I found an adult care home here, after calling "A Place for Mom" which is a referral service countrywide. They gave me 7 places to go see and I chose one. There were only 3 patients and had excellent care. But she was old (102) and she passed away in August. I know I did everything possible to keep her safe in her last years. I hope you find the right solution for your loved one. Its not easy. I am also an only.

[birdinmigration]

K, Bette, four responses to that one inflammatory post, really?

And some of us who took time out of our busy lives to try to help you and to provide information, you just ignored?

You're welcome, but I'm movin' on...