Thoughts on forcing an elderly parent (age 90) to move for their own well-being (child, adult)

[Bette]

My FIL is 90 and lives in his own home. Right now, his sister from out of state is with him but only for 4 more months. She will be 92 in April (amazing woman-love her). One of my FIL's doctors just told us today he feels his judgment is impaired and to take the car keys away.

We have 4 months. We would like to get him into a place where there is independent living (and then if you need it, more care). There are lots of such places near us and they are fine. I've called a couple but there seem to be waiting lists which I'm glad to know about.

My FIL's neighborhood is in decline and they were robbed recently. There are neighborhood thugs who watch when they leave. My FIL worked as a probation officer for 39 years and often worked with the worst of worst and he does not scare easily.

We live one hour away. My husband is the only child. His wife has been gone (Alzheimers) for 8 years now. He was only driving to get groceries and maybe a fast food treat. On Christmas Day, he fell right in front of my husband and broke his finger. We found out today it is more than the finger; it is where you bend your hand (whatever that is called - on the palm of the hand). He removed all the splint and bandages put on there by the hospital and cannot remember doing so. So, today, he drove to the ER (with his sister), they called us and are refusing to let him leave or drive without my husband being there due to his impaired judgment.

This is the 2nd time we have seen judgment issues in 2 weeks.

We don't know what to do. My husband hates confrontation. His dad had to help us with a legal issue my husband dealt over the past few years and my FIL literally has the first nickel he earned. He is a miser, a semi-hoarder and the fact that he did help my husband was amazing. (He would have inherited it anyway-we have the will).

We love him and want him to be happy but he is super lonely and I know if he got into one of his places, he would love it. He loves to dance and that alone would make him happy. He used to go dancing 3 times a week but the music changed and the people got younger and I think he feels out of place. (He loves the old WW2 stuff).

In my family (parents both gone), I could talk frankly with them and compromise. With his dad, if he doesn't like what he hears, he walks away/leaves the room. But, my husband seems to be the only one who can reach him - I told (my husband) - you were strong this past year in your legal battle and you WON - so now, once again, put on those big boy pants and be TOUGH like you need to be with your dad.

I would like to know from others that went through this - how the end result turned out - resentment from parent, did they come around (seem happy in new surroundings)?

My FIL's home is in disrepair and needs about 75K worth of work - it was taken care of when my MIL was alive but she got the Alzheimers in 1996 so it's been about 17 years. We have a cleaning service come every 2 weeks now but it's pain staking for my FIL - he follows the cleaners around (don't touch this, etc) like there's something worth there - it's all crappy stuff but I guess 60 years of National Geographics mean something to him. They are piled up 3 piles (stacks) in his living room and have been there for at least 15 years.

Thanks for listening. My husband needs a break; he works close to 90 hours a week and I do too. We are both self employed. My husband's logical mind tells him - move him somewhere - but his emotional mind cares about his dad's feelings but now his well-being is becoming an issue and gosh, I don't know.

Not to be selfish but we need a life. We have not been away (leisure) - even 3 days - for a long time and we are supposed to do that this coming weekend. It's our children's Christmas present and mine to him - all paid for already. (5 hour drive)

PS - My FIL will not allow any people in his home (Meals on Wheels, etc) - my husband has to go down when the maid service comes and he does the lawn when they are there. Otherwise, my FIL turns them away or just doesn't answer the door; then, we get the phone call, etc.

His sister is from out of state and in order to keep her here a few more months, we agreed to some stipulations - one of which was having the house cleaned every 2 weeks b/c at almost 92, it's hard for her.
We are also having small items fixed here and there - nothing major yet - that would scare him.

His sister is very on top of things and realizes she will be ready for Senior Assisted Living when she returns to her home state. Even though she prefers the warm weather, she is realistic and knows this is the future. Her whole family is there.

We have been lucky to have her when we've had her.

Thanks!

[gouligann]

Wow, lots on your plate. I feel for you. I hope you can get away for the short break. You sound like you are stressed out big time.

My FIL will be getting to this point in the near future also. He's 88 and very independant: drives... never had an accident...yet, cooks but forgets things are cooking, has poor hygene but won't let anyone help him bathe, etc. My MIL passed away 4 years ago and he was her caretaker until he could no longer help her in and out of the bathtub or help her out of bed. He did NOT want her to go to a home, but finally admitted that he couldn't take care of her properly and agreed to let her go to an assisted living residence where she passed away a couple of years later. He felt guilty, but she was being looked after so much better than the care he was giving her.

I know my FIL will be the most stubborn man when it ever gets to the point of trying to talk to him about moving to an assisted living residence also.

Would it help if your husband talks to his doctor and see if his doctor will tell your FIL that he is "ordering" him to go to an assisted living apartment where people can check in with him daily? Maybe under "doctors orders" it will sway him to agree? That might be the route we'll have to take also when the time comes.

[Bette]

We know all his doctors. They know us (even me and I'm the DIL). We've kind of tried this in the past with no luck but maybe now - this impairment of judgment really scares me, really does.

My FIL is the most stubborn. He is a nice man but his ways are his ways. A few years ago, his sister told me all about their (abusive) childhood and how he is made a lot more sense. (He used to hit my husband until he was 16 - my MIL spoke up finally and it was never again). I think for years, though, that my husband was afraid of his dad even in the elder years.

He goes to the VA for checkups usually and you get who you get. He has other doctors (hip) and that one I will try to call.

I said to my husband, what if we lived 1000-2000 miles away? What would he do? Fortunately, we would never just leave him - my husband checks on him every few days and is down there every weekend working on the yard and the house. (He finally had the orange shag carpet of 35 years cleaned the other way and I guess he was very happy with the result - yes, the smell was outrageous and I guess that has improved). I couldn't even stand to walk in the home - I think I have a good smeller!

My poor husband.

[birdinmigration]

First of all, you two are a couple of really good eggs.

You have 4 months to square him away. That is not a lot of time, but better than a right-now crisis. Think about this as if it were a crisis though -- what would you do if you had to decide immediately? You know what you would do.

You need to figure out how to keep your FIL safe during the time he has left. Some people actually do tell their parents big whopper lies to get them out of a house they can't handle any more. You and your hubs have to decide if this is a thing you could do. For instance, some do a big production like saying the house is infested with termites and the mom or dad needs to move temporarily. Some drs. get involved in saying the senior parent needs "rehab", that type thing.

I work in a facility, and believe me, none of us is judgmental about our residents or their family members. We love them, whatever their issues, and we work very hard to give them enjoyment and work on their skills. Feel free to ask me any questions, such as what to look for when you are looking at facilities. I have posted extensively on this board before about facilities, you could do a search.

Hugs for you and yours.

[Bette]

Four years ago, it seemed that my FIL would be open to us adding on to our home (separate area) and "living" with us, however, having his independence. We have 2 families on our street doing the same for their elderly parents, however, they didn't add on.

Then, we showed him a single family home near us. He got cold feet and would not speak to me for about a year after that. (I'm the bad guy, not my husband. He thinks these things are my idea; not my husband but he is wrong but I am the one who speaks up and gets the conversation started).

So, we keep him in his own home. The home probably has termites; it needs a lot of work but he doesn't see it. He doesn't want anything moved, etc. We have lived with that.

The places we would show him are:
John Knox Village, Pompano Beach, FL (private)
St Andrews Estates, Boca Raton, FL (an ACTS retirement community)

Right now, he is very (VERY) upset about the car keys not being in his hand and my husband (poor guy) is dealing with that now face to face. We will be enlisting the help of Meals on Wheels but my FIL may not let them in so my poor husband would have to drive 1 hour there; 1 hour back.

Other than him helping my husband with a legal issue which my husband won (connected to his work), my FIL has done nothing for my husband. Years ago, we were always the generous ones. We paid for dinners out, trips as gifts, etc. They lived paycheck to paycheck or so we thought. After they retired, they had no debt, nothing to spend money on so they began to have savings. He owns his home free & clear but my husband says the home will have to be demolished and rebuilt. Not in good shape.

I mean, we love him but it's affecting our life. He is 90 1/2. My husband told me the other night he is just about to break down from all the stress with his dad. I told him we probably have 9-10 years to deal with it and then we can look forward to having our own life. (Unless we can get him into a place).

[Hemlock140]

Despite your unfortunate situation currently, you have been amazingly lucky to have gone this far. We went through this with my MIL when she was just 84. After a second hip replacement we told her we were taking the car away after watching her just trying to get into it. She would only agree to a home after the second time she fell and spent the night on the floor.

The doctor and nurse social worker were a big help, telling her in front of us that she was no longer capable of living alone. She is now 93 and loves the place she is at. Talk to the local hospital and get a list of recommended nurses that specialize in this. We paid about $250 to have one visit and evaluate her, then do research and give us a list of 4 places to check out that she thought would suit her. Ww ended up with an adult family home. Looks just like a normal house in a residential neighborhood, but with 5 others close to her age
and 3 caregivers including one that is a nurse. The cost was $3,000/month until we got her onto Medicaid, now the state pays most of it.

[okaydorothy]

Oh I could have written this myself instead of you. If I read it right, he is in a hospital now? If so, refuse to take him out. Then the hospital will have to place him in a assisted living or whatever they fell is the safest place for him.

Well done on getting to this stage. My dh is like your dh ; is so emotionally involved and feels so guilty for not being there for his mum. Also kuddos to you for being there for your fil. Its not easy at all. (())

[Bette]

(1) Checking into Meals on Wheels - right now with the hand injury, this might work but he is not desititute so I'm not sure (he receives SS and a pension).

(2) He will not have the car until Thursday and he is having a FIT.

(3) My husband sees the stubbornness already - if we took him to see a few places, I would make sure they had dancing and a bunch of nice 80 year old ladies around to dance with. (That would be a big plus)

(4) The adult group home sounds amazing. Not a lot of that near us. Most of the larger assisted living type places but we'll check into it.

(5) He likes his own place, his own space; was a loner in his earlier years and now I just think he is just lonely. He had his wife and that was it. Often, he would disappear for days even when he was with her.

(6) His sister, age 91 - almost 92, understands him to a T. She knows when to back off, when to push. She and I are allies. I love her; she is one amazing woman. She know his limitations but she will not go against him.

Oh well, I feel tired already.....

[stepka]

OP I had to do this and the only thing I could do was hang tough and mom hated me for it. My brother and her always had a close relationship and he couldn't do it at all so I warned her about what I was going to do--gave her three days in fact and then went and got her. In her case I was moving her from a house that was 2-1/2 hours away from me to one that was 5 min from my brother but you would have thought that I was killing her and the emotional stress was tough, but she adjusted almost right away. She had some dementia, which is why we had to do it, but she knew enough to know what we had done.

I agree with the poster who said you may have to tell some big whoppers of lies and also I think that the more of this that you can get the doc to write "orders" for, the better. And you may have to sacrifice yourself for a little while and be the bad guy so that your husband can preserve his relationship with his dad--that's why I did that for my brother. Just keep telling yourself that you're using tough love and you'll be fine--it hurt when I did it but I feel good about it now.

You might check out the older adult services places near you too--we were amazed at the variety of services that were available and some were free or sliding scale. You may be able to have a counselor come out and speak with you guys and your FIL about what his options are. And remember this--your FIL is a man--he has known all of his life that this would be a possibility someday. The letting go is terrible but temporary. I had a hard time when I got my first bifocals too even though I knew it had to be in the cards. That sounds silly, but it's just one of the first in a series of events that will lead me to where your FIL is now, should I be lucky enough to live that long.

[Ultrarunner]

My 96 year old neighbor injured his back rototilling last spring... it was bad. It was something he did every year.

He underwent back surgery and has been on the mend... goes out and gets his mail from the box...

He has 4 adult daughters, one nearby and the others from 500 to 1500 miles away.

Since his surgery, they and the son in laws have been with him 100% of the time alternating weeks...

I talked with his youngest the other day and she said her parents sacrificed so much for them... it is the least they can do... also, their Japanese heritage is very important... all have opened their homes to him... he is just very independent... played golf 3 times a week before his injury.

The father has already told his girls that if it is too much for them... he will go to a home. He's lived in his home, the home he built for 56 years.

Families do the best they can with what they have...

I lost a very good friend and neighbor this week.

She was 90 and at age 70 moved to a retirement community and enjoyed it.

About 6 weeks ago, she had a heart attack and was not doing too well... he son came and brought her to his home and she always had one of her Grandchildren with her during the day and when I went over to see her last week... she was cooking in the kitchen... I told her she was looking good and then she surprised me... she said she has had a wonderful life, no regrets and these kids of hers (son, grandchildren) couldn't be more attentive and if it was her time... so be it.

I wish it could be that way for everyone...