Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thanks LostMyself73 for mentioning UTIs which can wreak havoc with an elderly person.
I agree with you that there should be better communication with the doctor. I wouldn't ever just stop meds without input from the doctor who prescribed them. But it doesn't sound as if this doc know how to treat this patient, who must be quite a handful.
Just one little warning. People want to be helpful and sometimes it back fires. When we had to put an Aunt in a nursing home, there were a lot of her friends that called to talk about it.
There were at least five that said they called her everyday to remind her to take her medicine.
Did she do it? Did part of her problem come about from these well meaning people?
I'm not sure if this would be helpful, but if she has a cell phone, could you program daily pill reminders?
Or perhaps they could be put on the dining table and she could take them at whichever meal was most convenient?
This doesn't strike me as being a matter of "forgetting" to take the meds. And while side effects may be an issue, that doesn't need to be the primary cause either. She knows what these meds are for (or suspects) and she doesn't want to have that problem. It's denial. If she doesn't have the disease she wouldn't need the meds. I know that doesn't mean if you don't take the meds you don't have the disease, but our minds very often tell us nutty things like that.
It never ceases to amaze me what problems my 86-year-old mother is "willing" to have versus ones that she refuses to accept a diagnosis for. TracySam hit the nail on the head with the arthritis thing. There's no stigma among even the middle-aged to have arthritis. Great athletes have it and people talk about it all the time. Everybody takes potions for arthritis.
But Alzheimer's (no, no, no, it can't be me) ... depression (whoa, they're saying I'm mentally ill!) ... those are very tough diagnoses for elders to accept.
My mother took pills for her arthritis and her thyroid issues for years. But when they told her she had to take blood pressure meds, she had a melt-down. That totally baffled me. High blood pressure can be treated, so why wouldn't you? When I talked to her about "why," after bitter arguing with her to remember to take the pills, I found out something I could never have anticipated. She said, "I'm NOT fat!" WHAT??? To her, being overweight gave people high blood pressure and in her eyes if her doctor was telling her she had it, he was saying she was fat. My mother is thin and she has always been vain about it in a family of people who have weight problems. So she was very angry about what she perceived this diagnosis to be. Her anger led her to reject the medication. Simple solution in her eyes.
Jukesgrrl, you've nailed it. She does often say "But I don't think I'm that different than I was a few years ago. I haven't changed"
Asking her to set a reminder on her phone won't help. First off, she doesn't know how to set up that reminder and god forbid we help her do so. She'd rather say that she doesn't need a reminder than admit that she can't set one up.
This is kind of an aside but my mom is hooked on her computer. She's at it for hours a day but from what I know, she doesn't accomplish much and doesn't really know how to use it well. She waits for emails (jokes, cute kitty pics) that relatives from abroad send her. Given her attachment to her super-slow desktop, my dad thought it a good idea to buy HER an iPad for Xmas 2011. One that would get her OUT of that home office and one she could take on trips and still get email. She has yet to even touch the thing so it has become his iPad.
I'm really thinking that we just leave her alone for a while and not talk about meds/appts---and that includes not seeing the doctor for the follow-up that the doctor wants in about a month. Speaking of appointments, that's another challenge. I made the past few for her and she gets mad at me for doing so ("I can make my own!") but if I didn't she would NEVER have done so herself. I can't win.
I will however call the doctor (a geriatrician) and let her know what's going on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl
This doesn't strike me as being a matter of "forgetting" to take the meds. And while side effects may be an issue, that doesn't need to be the primary cause either. She knows what these meds are for (or suspects) and she doesn't want to have that problem. It's denial. If she doesn't have the disease she wouldn't need the meds. I know that doesn't mean if you don't take the meds you don't have the disease, but our minds very often tell us nutty things like that.
It never ceases to amaze me what problems my 86-year-old mother is "willing" to have versus ones that she refuses to accept a diagnosis for. TracySam hit the nail on the head with the arthritis thing. There's no stigma among even the middle-aged to have arthritis. Great athletes have it and people talk about it all the time. Everybody takes potions for arthritis.
But Alzheimer's (no, no, no, it can't be me) ... depression (whoa, they're saying I'm mentally ill!) ... those are very tough diagnoses for elders to accept.
My mother took pills for her arthritis and her thyroid issues for years. But when they told her she had to take blood pressure meds, she had a melt-down. That totally baffled me. High blood pressure can be treated, so why wouldn't you? When I talked to her about "why," after bitter arguing with her to remember to take the pills, I found out something I could never have anticipated. She said, "I'm NOT fat!" WHAT??? To her, being overweight gave people high blood pressure and in her eyes if her doctor was telling her she had it, he was saying she was fat. My mother is thin and she has always been vain about it in a family of people who have weight problems. So she was very angry about what she perceived this diagnosis to be. Her anger led her to reject the medication. Simple solution in her eyes.
Oh...and a few of you wisely said that she shouldn't stop her meds cold turkey. I understand that. She may in fact still be taking them to some extent (my dad will somehow have to sneak into where she stashes them and do a count). We can't simply ask her what she's taking because 1) she will get mad and defensive and 2) no matter what she says, we can't know if it's the truth.
Atina, I haven't read all your threads or posts but it seems to me you are going through a lot of what I went through with my mother. The meds situation was one of the first indicators to me how sick she really was. She yearned and fought for control of her life. She was so pissed that her life as she knew it was being taken from her and since I was the one helping, I became the one to blame for all the losses. "I just want my life back" was her daily mantra. of course she did but meds are too important to ignore or fuss over. I'm sorry Sam but I don't believe it is safe to put meds in a different bottle to try to trick an ill person.
When the pill boxes weren't working I simply HAD to take over dispensing them when they were prescribed. She resented the heck out of this. I guess I would too.
I also had to take over the finances when she sent incorrect amounts or unsigned checks or other errors when she tried to pay some bills.
I hope I help you buy telling you : You cannot reason with a mentally ill person. No amount of explaining, speaking louder or more slowly, changing your approach, etc will get a message across fuzzy lines and incomplete wires. it is a waste of effort. I tried diagrams, visuals like you would with a kid, all sorts of things until it dawned on me she just wasn't CAPABLE of understanding, not that she didn't WANT to understand.
I feel for you. I went through a very rough 15-18 years with my mother. Your Mom is relatively young for this to take over her life. You can help her best by helping your Dad get enough respite and support. Spell him from time to time so he can have an hour or two worry free away from your Mom. Encourage he go to the senior center if your Mom won't go. Nothing is better than talking to somebody who understands what you are dealing with.
This again might be of no help, but now that I think of it, at some point my Grandmothers meds became "vitamins"...this was after she had moved away and her dementia had progressed. I'm guessing that was how my aunt got her to take them.
Atina, I haven't read all your threads or posts but it seems to me you are going through a lot of what I went through with my mother. The meds situation was one of the first indicators to me how sick she really was. She yearned and fought for control of her life. She was so pissed that her life as she knew it was being taken from her and since I was the one helping, I became the one to blame for all the losses. "I just want my life back" was her daily mantra. of course she did but meds are too important to ignore or fuss over. I'm sorry Sam but I don't believe it is safe to put meds in a different bottle to try to trick an ill person.
When the pill boxes weren't working I simply HAD to take over dispensing them when they were prescribed. She resented the heck out of this. I guess I would too.
I also had to take over the finances when she sent incorrect amounts or unsigned checks or other errors when she tried to pay some bills.
I hope I help you buy telling you : You cannot reason with a mentally ill person. No amount of explaining, speaking louder or more slowly, changing your approach, etc will get a message across fuzzy lines and incomplete wires. it is a waste of effort. I tried diagrams, visuals like you would with a kid, all sorts of things until it dawned on me she just wasn't CAPABLE of understanding, not that she didn't WANT to understand.
I feel for you. I went through a very rough 15-18 years with my mother. Your Mom is relatively young for this to take over her life. You can help her best by helping your Dad get enough respite and support. Spell him from time to time so he can have an hour or two worry free away from your Mom. Encourage he go to the senior center if your Mom won't go. Nothing is better than talking to somebody who understands what you are dealing with.
This parallels my own experience in many ways. My mother does not have dementia, but she has chronic lymphedema in her legs that result in severe edema and often ulcers. She was living in a 2-story row home 2 hours from me, only bathroom on the 2nd floor, going to basement to do laundry, etc. Aside from the denial she was in, my mom definitely (IMO) has some undiagnosed mental illness, depression and more than a little OCD (not quite "Hoarders" material, but close) This made any conversation regarding "change" very scary for her, and the fear would cause her to lash out in anger.
We used to get into huge screaming fights because she wouldn't take any steps to move closer to me and wouldn't take care of her legs properly. She'd give in and make an appointment with the wound center, but then magically wake up with a migraine the day of the appointment so she'd cancel it. I know it was all due to fear, she thought if she pretended things were okay, they would be. It finally ended when the girl living next door to her (thank God for that girl!) came over to help her with something and saw maggots in a wound on my mom's leg and forced her to go to the hospital. Believe it or not, she fought going, telling the poor girl she'll just "rinse them off".
From there she went to rehab, and by decision of the team, determined she couldn't do the stairs safely and therefore couldn't return home and is now in assisted living near me.
The main takeaway for me was that due to the dynamics between us, I was not really helping my Mom the way I was going about it (insisting, forcing, yelling). I am a therapist in nursing homes and constantly told how patient I am, and it's true...with the residents...with my own mom, we'd be screaming at each other within minutes during every hard conversation. As much as my Mom loves me, it was never going to be me to convince her to go the hospital or to move. The dynamics between us were simply too co-dependent and enmeshed. I suspect the same may be true of OP and her Mom.
Letting go of being able to control your mom is the most important thing you can do. If she's like my mom, she'll be nicer and more cooperative with outsiders, and allowing her medical team to intervene may be the best thing you can do.
The main takeaway for me was that due to the dynamics between us, I was not really helping my Mom the way I was going about it (insisting, forcing, yelling). I am a therapist in nursing homes and constantly told how patient I am, and it's true...with the residents...with my own mom, we'd be screaming at each other within minutes during every hard conversation. As much as my Mom loves me, it was never going to be me to convince her to go the hospital or to move. The dynamics between us were simply too co-dependent and enmeshed. I suspect the same may be true of OP and her Mom.
Letting go of being able to control your mom is the most important thing you can do. If she's like my mom, she'll be nicer and more cooperative with outsiders, and allowing her medical team to intervene may be the best thing you can do.
Oh, I can relate to everything you wrote. All the issues one has ever had with one's mom really come out during times like this. My mother was in denial as well. She insisted repeatedly that she could take of herself, but it was obvious she wasn't doing that at all.
I've talked to many people who have gone through this sort of thing, and it often comes down to the elder having some sort of crisis before he or she changes. Circumstances force the change, sometimes immediately, where before there was only impasse.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
