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You can gift $14k/yr tax free to the caregiving family member. If there are two elder parents being cared for they can each give this amount. And if the caregiving family member is married and/or has kids, each elder could also gift up to $14k to each of them. So you don't have to worry about paying taxes, into the caregiver's SS fund, unemployment compensation, or insurance.
Some people prefer to be cared for by a relative than by stranger. Especially when home health care can be so expensive. In fact, I would say most people prefer this if it is an option for their family.
While we are on the topic of wills there are certainly ways to structure a trust or an annuity, even for a relatively modest estate, that would allow the elder to transfer assests to pay a family member for care while it is being provided.
This is certainly one of the simplest things an elder needing care and wanting to stay in a home setting instead of an institutional one can do - give that $14,000 tax free once a year to the care-giving child.
This way they do get compensated for their time and it does not have to come down to later fighting over any "inheritance" money that is left when the parent dies.
The problem with so many of these situations is that many times there is resentment toward and a tendency for siblings to judge one another harshly
The adult child who steps up and offers to care for the parent needs to remember, THAT IS THE CHOICE THEY HAVE MADE.
They don't have to like that other siblings won't/can't pitch in, but it is a waste of precious energy to get angry and stay angry about a choice they freely made just because their siblings don't make the same choice.
Every person has the right to do what they feel they need to do to live their own lives.
But not every sibling is going to be in a position to take on the caregiver role.
This does not necessarily mean they don't care and are "selfish".
Trying to talk this stuff out and having some respect for each others points of view will go a long way toward keeping the situation from becoming too emotionally charged, which would be better for the ailing parent.
I have a dear friend who at age 60 was single with no children. Her married with kids siblings lived not close to the mother while my friend lived in the same town. She was working and trying to cater to her mother. It was making her sick. The mother refused to go into assisted living even though she had the money. I dare say most elders resist leaving their homes for AL.
Finally her sister who is married to a very wealthy man and has 2 married children decided she could do so much better for her mother. She whisked in to take her mother back to her town to live with her and her husband. But first she took $25,000 from her mother's money -with approval of my friend and other sibling- to convert a porch into a suite for the old lady.
the old lady lasted 2 months in the house before the responsibilities were too much for the sister now taking care of her..
So now the old lady is in AL in an unfamiliar town, is out $25K for remodeling of a space she isn't living in and in fact is NOT being taken care of better than before.
The wealthy sister has made no mention of reimbursing her mother the $25K and is even talking about selling some assets of the old lady to pay for the "unexpected expenses" of AL. Now the old lady has dementia she doesn't even recognize anybody half the time anyway but my friend cannot easily visit her mother, feels like her wealthy sister depleted the old lady's assets to give more value to her own home and is tired of hearing her sister complain about how hard it is to "care for Mama". The will is written to divide equally and now she can't even change it if she wanted to because no will is valid if the writer has dementia. My friend is trying to get up enough nerve to ask the sister to put that $25k back in Mom's account. She says she has even consulted a lawyer about it but of course nothing can be done. She will just get screwed. the old lady is 94 years old now. What a mess.
Trust me, these sisters have been alienated for years and there is no trust between them. The rich one probably is the more selfish one but there isn't a thing the single one can do about it. She ought to give it a rest.
My assessment was based on the poster's tone suggesting that the situation was totally unfair and unfortunate for her cousin. When she first posted about it, she didn't make it seem like it was a pleasant situation for her cousin.
I know that sickness can go on, but within a forty year period, you would think there could be some other options. There are a lot of services out there to help out, insurance can help out, there are non-profit agencies that can help out. Church and/or community groups will often help out (especially if it's just once a week or so). It doesn't have to cost a lot. Of course, from the poster's second post about her cousin's situation (which sounded a lot more positive than her first post) it sounds like the cousin didn't mind taking care of her parents, which is probably a big reason why she chose to stay.
Even if someone does it on a part time basis, it's work. Asking that person to pay rent is pretty insulting. If that's the only way the family can survive, ok. But, beyond that, no.
I find it rather insulting for you to suggest that the OP needs a therapist and is "bitter". I feel that many times people who cannot empathize with a person's legitimate complaint will tell them that they need a therapist. Good way to put them down, tell them they are messed up emotionally, or in another way detract from the OP's argument and make it all personal about the OP himself! Maybe you do not understand that this person has been handling things as well as anyone could and is well aware, I am sure, that he has the option of seeking help from a therapist if he feels bad enough.
I dislike it very much when people hand out unsolicited advice. He never asked for that kind of advice and I suggest that you steer clear of making such suggestions.
You seem to be over-identifying with the OP so I am sorry if you too are in one of these overwhelming situations.
It is in no way "insulting" to suggest to someone who is hurting, angry and lashing out at others to seek a professional to process his feelings with.
I was NOT making efforts to "put him down" and the fact you (and he) would jump to that conclusion so immediately shows how overly emotional you are.
Sometimes when people are overwhelmed they cannot see the forest for the trees.
At times like that they lose their objectivity and perspective so it can be helpful for others to point out what may not be so obvious to them - speak to a professional.
Doing so is often the fastest way to moving beyond the emotions they feel mired down in.
I have already said I wish the OP nothing but the best, and I meant that.
The only resentment I hold is towards my brother, and not because he is not the caregiver. I knew years ago if my parents needed help I would be the one who ended up doing it, and I don't regret it.
What I resent about my brother is that he doesn't call very often, when he did visit once a year he wouldn't spend time with our parents, but would rent a car and treat the house like it was a hotel.
I even tried to tell him last year when he visited and our mother was still alive could you please spend more time with them as this could be it. He looked at me and said "what could be it", he just doesn't get it. He had also been drinking(he is an alcoholic), well it was it for him in regards to our mother because she died two months later.
I really thought after our mother died it would open his eyes and there would be a change in attitude. But there isn't. When you're dealing with an alcoholic it is all about them.
Despite all this I am civil to him when he does call and it is my father who makes comments about him, not me. My father for example said "so nice of your brother to show such concern", I don't say anything back. But I will not make excuses either.
My brother was impacted by Hurricane Sandy(no real house damage but a loss of power for 10 days), without fail he called everyday to whine about having no electricity. Yet once his power was restored the calls stopped.
Dad has been in the hospital twice in the last two months, had EMT at the house twice in the last two weeks, my brother has been advised of this and yet shows no real concern and calls very infrequently.
BTW, he was here in March and and asked to borrow the car and went to the hardware store and had house keys made on the sly. I saw him stick one of those envelopes they give you when you have keys made.
He has an agenda.
Sadly, I have seen it before in families. One adult child takes care of the parent/parents while others do nothing to help even when they're asked to help, but the minute the parent is gone there the ones who are concerned with what is in the house and in the bank.
Considering what our family has been through and my brother's behavior we are doing the best we can.
And my dad is my best friend, we became closer through this journey. My brother will never have that.
Last edited by Sam I Am; 05-13-2013 at 12:11 PM..
Reason: orphaned - the post you refer to has been modified or deleted
OP get the locks changed at the house ASAP. The mind of an alcoholic has been damaged and they sometimes do irrational things. You obviously don't trust your brother so go ahead and be proactive.
When I called my brother as a courtesy to tell him our mother was going to be moving in with me and my family his verbatim response was "I don't care what she does. Hell you can take her in the backyard and shoot her in the head if you want to. I'll provide the gun and the bullets". I was not surprise at his reaction. He had never been a loving son as an adult.
It's a long story I don't wish to go into but while I was out of the country my brother took my mother, who was in AL near me, to a lawyer, had her change her will to leave everything to him and his children, completely had me cut off, and had her cancel my POA. Then he couldn't wait till she died so he convinced her she needed to move to his state and the AL where his 4th wife was working which obviously would have been a conflict of interest to say the least.
Mother was so confused by this time she didn't know which way was up. With great sadness I called for a mental capacity hearing to keep him from moving her and to lay the groundwork for having the will declared null and void when she died.
At the hearing it was so obvious she was not "right". Even the attorney appointed to my mother was disgusted with my brother and helped sway the judge that she should not be moved.
What my brother didn't realize was that I had been recording every single telephone conversation I had with him for years( most of them me calling him begging to give our mother some attention) because somewhere in the recesses of my mind I figured he would try to pull a stunt like this. With mother out of the room I played the recording of his "I'll provide the gun and bullets" remark and the judge was shocked beyond words. Needless to say she never left to live in his state.
My own doctor who also was her doctor a few years previous knew all this story and told me a few of his own. After my brother died of cirrhosis of the liver and esophageal cancer after a few months after the hearing, (he did not know he had cancer at the time of the hearing) my mother's mind cleared up enough for me to take her to the doctor where he declared her OK. Right from that appointment I took her to our old family lawyer where she wrote a new will leaving her estate to me. If I hadn't done that my brother's new and 4th wife(widow) of less than a year would have inherited her estate. Of course I could have and would have challenged the will written while she was so gorked but with a new will there was no problem. Except this "widow" had the gall to ask me to pay for my brother's medical expenses. I ignored her letter and never heard another word. She never knew how close she came to losing her job because I was prepared to contact her employer telling them what length she and my brother were going to to get my mother in their AL.
My brother was so stupid he actually sent incriminating faxes about his plans to my mother via the AL staff. They of course knew how attentive I had been for many years and had never laid eyes on him except when he took her away to a new lawyer. The faxes had UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET MY SISTER SEE THESE FAXES. Of course they immediately contacted me and even my poor mother gave them to me wondering what was going on.
My blood pressure has risen just reliving this nightmare. And where was I when I went out of the country the time he secreted (didn't sign her out of the AL) to the lawyer to write a new will? I was in Vietnam adopting a new baby. I came home from international travel with a new baby to the worse nightmare of my life. He was wicked and deceitful and got what he deserved.
My opinion was not to divide the estate whether a child "deserved" more, rather that there are circumstances where you might feel it shouldn't be divided equally. Whatever your reasons for leaving different amounts or percentages should be stated in the Will or Codicil.
My mother changed her Will at some point and left me everything because my brother had drained her dry, as he had gambling debts. Basically I ended up with the house, which he harassed me about for years for half the value, until I sold it and moved away. He was worthless and my mother knew he would just gamble away the little bit she had.
There are some situations where I can see an uneven distribution, such as one child has already taken their share but that is understandable becuase they already took their share or a case where a child cannot handle being given money but I think I'd consider some kind of trust where they get an annuity rather than just being handed the cash or skip a generation and leave it to their kids for college.
What I don't see as reasonable is one sibling expecting more because they did more for the parent. I have no doubt that dd#2 will do more for me over the years. It's not in her sister's nature to do so, which means that anything dd#1 does to, counts for more that what dd#2 does when you stop and think about it. I have one child who gets joy out of doing for others and one who feels like she's having her toenails torn out when she has to do something for someone else. Which one should get more kudos for what they do? Unto those who are given much, much is expected.
In an ideal situation the OP would have an excellent support system that knows what is she is going through, but that's often not the case. The OP's mother passed away within the last year. The father's health is so poor, the OP thinks he will soon pass. The OP's only sibling is of no help. The OP relocated across country to care for them, so she may not have a support base locally. Old friendships often languish when a person moves away, and also when they have a major lifestyle change that keeps them isolated at home. Friends from former work situations often suffer and sometimes end completely when a person quits. AND if the OP is stoic with her friends they may have no idea what she's having to deal with emotionally and financially, because let's face it, many can't relate and won't want to hear her issues, or she might not be forthcoming for any number of reasons.
Last edited by Sam I Am; 05-13-2013 at 12:18 PM..
Reason: off topic/orphaned
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so I am sorry if you too are in one of these overwhelming situations.
