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Yep, I'm not a regular on this board, but calling 911 the next time she falls is the best solution. Get her into the hospital and get her diagnosed and a social worker on her case. You can probably have her declared incompetent.
She might cut you off? Meh. If she wants to be alone, sure. She'll probably blame you too. Oh well. Really, how is this going to add to your misery? You're currently verging on suicidal - it does not get much worse than that.
You say she was only abusive 20-30% of the time? I got news for you: That's an abuser. If they were abusers 100% of the time or even 50-75% of the time, they wouldn't have any victims near them to abuse. She's got you brainwashed. You should join a support group and if you have the money, start seeing a therapist. There is a big tangle of stuff going on here, and you need to see things clearly.
The next time she has a problem she can't get out of without your help, call 911.
And for the love of all that's holy, please do not feel guilty about her helping you out when you were injured. You took an active role in your own recovery, didn't you? You handled what you could and worked at getting well. Well, she has the same obligation to see to her own health. She has an obligation to help herself as best she can before any obligation falls to you. She's not holding up that part of things. Do NOT shoulder the guilt for her shortcomings (or mental illness).
You can't keep picking her up when she falls, or your going to end up injured, yourself!! If she is on the floor, call 911, then she can get diagnosed with her muscle weakness, and other problems and the hospital can set up some sort of care plan. Although, I must say, going to emergency, she can be released easily if nothing is broken without even considering other problems.
I think it's best to get her to the doctor right away, it's a tough situation, I wish you luck!
You can't keep picking her up when she falls, or your going to end up injured, yourself!! If she is on the floor, call 911, then she can get diagnosed with her muscle weakness, and other problems and the hospital can set up some sort of care plan. Although, I must say, going to emergency, she can be released easily if nothing is broken without even considering other problems.
I think it's best to get her to the doctor right away, it's a tough situation, I wish you luck!
Of course, it would be better to get her to go to a doctor for an evaluation but if she absolutely refuses and you can't carry her out to your car you may have to go the " calling 911 after a fall" route. In an emergency room you may have to be quite assertive at times. It is true that sometimes (especially if an ER is really busy) they hesitate admitting someone to the hospital to have further tests and just want to rush them out the door home.
That is when you tell the doctor & nurses that you are concerned about additional falls because of x, y and z. And, also your mother has been having problems with a, b and c. It may help to have all of her problems and your concerns written down so you don't forget any of them. Be sure that they write everything down or give them a copy to put in her file.
My husband had/has a number of health problems and has had to go the emergency room quite a few times (for actual emergencies not for his routine health care). One time his health wasn't stable and they still wanted to send him home (probably because they didn't have any beds open) so I kissed my husband goodbye, picked up my coat and purse and told the nurse that unfortunately I needed to leave and started walking out to the parking lot.
You should have seen how fast that nurse chased after me and how quickly the ER doctor came back to check on my husband.
I knew that he was way too sick to handle going home by himself, (he was incoherent and had trouble walking, were they going to send him home on a city bus?) so I gambled that they would "find a bed". Guess what? They suddenly found an available hospital bed. The next day, after his primary care physician saw him in the hospital, the doctor told me that he couldn't imagine that they tried to send him home in his poor condition.
My advice is contingent on her having some type of health insurance or an ability to pay. I do not have any experience with emergency rooms and hospitals if you do not have insurance. I know that legally they need to provide emergency care but I don't know the extent of that care. Wait, I just realized that she is in her late sixties so she would be covered by medicare.
Does she have a doctor who she saw in the past? Although, because of doctor patient confidentiality he/she can't tell you anything about your mother but he/she can listen when you tell them. Perhaps, you can get your mother to go to a regular doctor that she trusts and respects, then they can convince her to go to specialists for more tests. As another poster pointed out, sometimes people would follow advice told to them by a doctor even if they ignore the very same advice told to them by a relative.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-26-2013 at 11:15 AM..
If you don't want to wait until the next time she falls, how about the next time she is in a reasonable mood you try to have a talk with her about what is changing in her world - the inability to hold onto things etc. Ask her what if what is going on could be managed or even slowed or fixed? Wouldn't she like to return to her prior good health? Tell her regardless if she agrees or not you are making an appointment and will take her there - if she refuses then you know you tried - if you still feel guilty - try again. At a certain point you cannot do it all by yourself and it sounds like you are close to that point now. Tell her you are done and without her working with you one day you will just leave.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Flipping caregiver roles - from parent/child to child/parent is probably the hardest transition - once you mentally become the decision maker it will get easier. Try the advice already given and consider the alternative I have offered.
You've gotten some solid advice here. I would also add that there are state agencies for the elderly. Find your state's site, and locate the local office of the Division of Aging nearest you. Visit and see if you can talk to an expert who can advise you about how to go about dealing with this.
If you broke your back, you can't go on picking your mom up. I once dealt with a women who was totally bent over, and she told me she ruined her back picking and hauling her husband around. He had had a stroke.
On the muscle weakness, yes I though of ALS too. There is major help available for anyone with this disease, so you need a diagnosis. Pronto. Same with Alzheimer's. But you need a diagnosis.
I think this is all about how you are thinking of the problem. You say your mom "made" you the sole caregiver. You need to think about yourself as being resourceful and forceful. She can't make you do something if you don't allow it. So, start thinking about how to get your mom to the doc, or calling 911 (please, please do that--don't ask your mom's permission--just do it.) when she falls, and making appointments with people who can advise you.
Another poster has pointed out that you could disable yourself over this, and both of you would be in a real pickle. Don't allow this to happen.
Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions, even writing this felt cathartic ss I had been holding this all in. I do love her otherwise this wouldn't be so hard. I just know w/out a doubt that what would satisfy her is for me to continue what I am doing which is to completely give my life to her until she eventually passes away and if I'm sixty then so be it. She even told me yesterday that "I should have known she would get sick and need full time help" and that I should have gotten married and had kids before or gone to school and started a career before because now she needs me and I "wasted" my time.
I do believe as someone pointed out that she does have issues maybe even borderline personality disorder. I just hate that I have to sacrifice my life and happiness in order to make her happy. I am becoming increasingly frazzled and deeply depressed, this has to change or I fear what may happen. Thanks again for hearing me and supporting me!
Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions, even writing this felt cathartic ss I had been holding this all in. I do love her otherwise this wouldn't be so hard. I just know w/out a doubt that what would satisfy her is for me to continue what I am doing which is to completely give my life to her until she eventually passes away and if I'm sixty then so be it. She even told me yesterday that "I should have known she would get sick and need full time help" and that I should have gotten married and had kids before or gone to school and started a career before because now she needs me and I "wasted" my time.
I do believe as someone pointed out that she does have issues maybe even borderline personality disorder. I just hate that I have to sacrifice my life and happiness in order to make her happy. I am becoming increasingly frazzled and deeply depressed, this has to change or I fear what may happen. Thanks again for hearing me and supporting me!
We all have issues with aging parents! Believe me, I have. I think we as older caretakers of even older parents have to begin to think of ourselves as parents to our parents. We are no longer children to them, even though they may not understand that. If you understand that you have to parent, then you know to call 911 when your mom takes a fall, for instance. Or, if she makes a nutty demand. Kids do that, and parents usually know when to call their bluffs, or when to ignore.
Part of the change is becoming proactive, rather than reactive. I do remember when I made this change about 7 years ago. I had mom's hearing checked, I took her to eye doctor, I took over her finances. I am not alone in this role, but I do remember becoming a lot more proactive than before. Its a shock actually.
So, you know that you are not alone in this, that others have gone down this road, and that you can come here and relate successes and ask questions. Many times our proposed solutions aren't right for the OP, but I hope our thoughts help with the thought process. I think it is often how we think about a problem that has to shift before the solution becomes clear.
I think silibran has the right idea. Our relationships with our aging, ailing parents have changed. They are no longer looking after us; we are now looking after them. We have moved into a parental role.
So I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is this: If this were my child behaving this way, what would I do? (Note: spanking is out.) But really, if my child fell on the floor and couldn't get up, and insisted that I not call 911, would I actually give in to his demands? Of course not. If you're put in a parental role, you have to act like a responsible parent. Even if your mom or dad doesn't like it.
Not acting like a responsible parent should give rise to guilt. Not giving in to your mom or dad's irresponsible demands should NOT give rise to guilt.
I think silibran has the right idea. Our relationships with our aging, ailing parents have changed. They are no longer looking after us; we are now looking after them. We have moved into a parental role.
So I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is this: If this were my child behaving this way, whatwould I do? (Note: spanking is out.) But really, if my child fell on the floor and couldn't get up, and insisted that I not call 911, would I actually give in to his demands? Of course not. If you're put in a parental role, you have to act like a responsible parent. Even if your mom or dad doesn't like it.
Not acting like a responsible parent should give rise to guilt. Not giving in to your mom or dad's irresponsible demands should NOT give rise to guilt.
Excellent points.
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