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I am glad you updated us, but so sorry for your situation. All you can do now is mentally release her, and cope. I wish you had some spiritual support.
By mental release, I mean, simply understanding that she has made decisions in her life that have led her down this path, and that you have done what you could.
When she passes, get yourself some counseling. I think you will experience very strong feelings, and will need support for awhile.
I am glad you updated us, but so sorry for your situation. All you can do now is mentally release her, and cope. I wish you had some spiritual support.
By mental release, I mean, simply understanding that she has made decisions in her life that have led her down this path, and that you have done what you could.
When she passes, get yourself some counseling. I think you will experience very strong feelings, and will need support for awhile.
I am hoping for a peaceful coming week for you.
I do have a network of spiritual support, otherwise I could not have gotten through this.
The counseling that I am involved in now with hospice is available to me indefinitely. Plus they offer the group support after she passes. There is also 24/7 access to chaplains to talk to on the phone or to come out to the house. The nurses, every one, have been a gift from God. If it were not for them I don't know how I would have gotten this far.
During these 4 months I have also experienced some people/family emerging as surprisingly supportive. I have grown closer to her sister and a cousin locally that I recently got reacquainted with. People have been there for me and I feel surrounded by support and prayers and love.
I do acknowledge that there is nothing else I can do except help her remain comfortable and hopefully have a peaceful death. Keeping her at home is part of that, but I acknowledge, with the help of hospice staff, that this part may not be the best for me or her in the long run.
No doubt her poor decisions fed the slide down this path. I don't bring that up now, though I used to in moments of anger and frustration. I think she realizes it, but then what does it matter if she does at this point? She is dying and I am trying to be as loving and supportive as I can just in each moment. I try to take it one day at a time and some days one hour or minute at a time.
By mental release, I mean, simply understanding that she has made decisions in her life that have led her down this path, and that you have done what you could.
I don't think it's as simple as her making bad decisions. From what the OP has said and what I see as her inability to advocate for herself, I think the OP's wife was raised in an atmosphere of emotional neglect. That has a profound lifelong effect.
My own parents neglected me. In recent years my health issues have started piling up. There have been times when I lacked the inner resolve to be tenacious in getting help for myself. When I meet resistance when trying to be seen by a specialist, I tend to think that I really am not worth the trouble, so why bother. DH gets worried and says, "What can I do to help?" I have to explain to him that I can't just keep calling medical professionals who say they will return my call but don't. So he makes the calls. And he gets results I couldn't.
I expect the OP's therapist is helping him learn how to forgive her for blowing up their marriage. If not, I suggest they discuss it. It is hard for people who grew up in a loving supportive family to comprehend what it is like for others who were starved of that. Understanding leads to healing.
Thank you for that very sad, but not terribly surprising, update. I say "not terribly surprising" because of all the information you originally posted. You are a strong individual, not to mention exceedingly loyal. You have done all that could be expected, and far more. I, like the others, hope you continue counseling after your wife passes.
I have a beloved friend who has Aspergers. Super smart: BS & MS from MIT.
But once he has an idea fixed in his mind, no one can get him to budge.
2 things he does that has had me in tears of sadness and frustration:
Never uses a seat belt. (Has a 2 hour r/t daily commute.)
Never drinks water. Only drinks coffee and whiskey. He says both contain water.
Many friends have given him medical articles, statistical reports on no-seatbelt and no-water behavior. Nothing works.
I finally came to the conclusion that I can do nothing.
Which behavior kills him first is a coin toss. I've had to let my worry go. It was hard.
In one angry email he told me he does not want to be lectured or rescued. I have to respect his wishes as it's his life, his choice.
I do have a network of spiritual support, otherwise I could not have gotten through this.
The counseling that I am involved in now with hospice is available to me indefinitely. Plus they offer the group support after she passes. There is also 24/7 access to chaplains to talk to on the phone or to come out to the house. The nurses, every one, have been a gift from God. If it were not for them I don't know how I would have gotten this far.
During these 4 months I have also experienced some people/family emerging as surprisingly supportive. I have grown closer to her sister and a cousin locally that I recently got reacquainted with. People have been there for me and I feel surrounded by support and prayers and love.
I do acknowledge that there is nothing else I can do except help her remain comfortable and hopefully have a peaceful death. Keeping her at home is part of that, but I acknowledge, with the help of hospice staff, that this part may not be the best for me or her in the long run.
No doubt her poor decisions fed the slide down this path. I don't bring that up now, though I used to in moments of anger and frustration. I think she realizes it, but then what does it matter if she does at this point? She is dying and I am trying to be as loving and supportive as I can just in each moment. I try to take it one day at a time and some days one hour or minute at a time.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. All of you.
I appreciate your post. I hope you have a peaceful week. I am so glad to know that you have spiritual and emotional support as you go through this with your wife.
Like with so many other health issues, there’s not a whole lot someone can do to make a loved one comply with whatever hey should be whether it’s medically or mental health wise.
Growing up I had an uncle who despite being diabetic was known to overindulge in a lot of sweets on special occasion as- which a number of times resulted in his spouse needing to either call an ambulance or rush him to the ER. It was just like a thing he would laugh off as having a sweet tooth. Never learned. Well into his 70’s he would on occasion be known to eat not a sliver but several large pieces of pecan pie, or lemon meringue plus other sweets and gooodies and it would usually result in a medical emergency.
My aunt tried to reason with him but at certain holiday affairs there were those foods around and short of handcuffing him to a chair there wasn’t much she could do. If someone is hell bent on doing what they please regardless, he best thing a person can do that I can think of is take care of yourself , get some type of support maybe counseling, you can try to get her to meet with you and her doctor or a counselor. Good luck
My heart goes out to you. I know (as much as one can until it happens) that I'm going to lose one of my parents sooner rather than later... That's a bitter pill to swallow, but there are fates worse than death. I can't imagine this long, rough road you find yourself on. Hopefully, you're near the end of this stretch. Hopefully, when it's over the pendulum will swing back the other way and you can ride it to a wonderful new chapter in your life.
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