And Just Like That, Everything Changed (senior, disabled, parent, facility)
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Wow. What a wonderful wife you are. Having him go into a facility would definitely be easier on you. Are there the resources to do round the clock care at home for him?
My husband died of cancer, he battled it for 12 years, the last several years were hell for both of us. He fought going to an assisted living home, so I lined up 24 hour home nursing care, it was a mistake. It brought me to my knees, it turned my home into a hospital ward, it took away any small bit of peace I had, there was always someone there, to some degree I was their entertainment. It was awful. After several months I moved him to a facility, then to hospice, where he died.
Until one has been a long term caretaker they have no idea how it affects both your physical and mental well-being.
I believe that OP has done the right thing and send support her way.
Moon, You've done everything you can. Four years is a long time. I think if you apply your level of dedication to adapting to this new routine/lifestyle you'll begin to understand that this was the best course of action.
Bless you! You are an excellent caregiver. Now it is time to let someone else take on the heavy lifting.
Please don't feel guilty. With a progressive disease like Parkinson's, this was inevitable. I am a therapist who works in geriatric rehab and I have seen firsthand what can happen to caregivers who feel too guilty to make the step you have. One place I worked, we had a man with advanced Parkinson's who was in and out as his falls increased....then we ended up treating his wife, who broke her collarbone when he fell while she was transferring him. Sorry for all you are going through, and please get the social worker at the facility involved, she may even accompany you when you tell him.
My 87-year-old husband (I’m 66) and I have been married for 22 years, and I’ve been his caregiver for the past four years. He has advanced Parkinson’s disease, and is confined to a wheelchair. His condition has been deteriorating pretty rapidly for the last six weeks or so, with increasing episodes of dementia.
I’ve been the full-time caregiver, with some respite help from an agency that has been sending a caregiver four mornings a week, so I could go to the store, to the gym, etc. I’ve been trying very hard to take care of myself, as I’ve read so much about caregiver burnout. Still, my health has also deteriorated – I’ve had gastritis, esophagitis, IBS -- all due,I’m sure, to the stress of caregiving, loss of sleep, lack of control over my life. For the past week I’ve been suffering from a massive IBS flare-up that’s just starting to subside.
Then last Sunday night, everything changed. My husband’s shouting woke me from a sound sleep at 1 a.m. He had rolled out of bed and fallen to the floor. The paramedics came, and took him to the ER, where we learned that he had broken his right upper arm (and yes, he is right-handed). He spent a couple of days in the hospital and is now in a rehab facility.
Before he broke his arm, he was able to stand up and make his own transfers to the bed or the toilet, but he can’t do that with only his left arm for support. I don’t have the physical strength to take care of him in this condition, and truth be told, I can’t risk my own health any longer on the stress of caregiving.
So I’ve arranged for him to move into an assisted living facility when he’s discharged from the rehab hospital. He doesn’t know that yet – he thinks eventually he’s coming home and things will just go back to the way they were. And although on the one hand I feel very guilty about this, on the other, more rational, hand, I know that we’re both safer with him in the ALF. I love him very much, and I tried my best, but unfortunately he married someone with a shaky digestive system.
You had to make a hard choice and you choose what I consider to be the best.
Explain to him that he is in an assisted living facility where he can get good attention and rehabilitation so hopefully he will recover and come home. This is not false hope.
I would also spend time and visit quite often to be sure his is doing well and his needs are being met.
Allow me to reassure you. You made the best decision.
Interesting how we are all so supportive, and yet, those who stop by for an hour or two once a month...are just so judgemental....?!
As they say, "there's one in every crowd".
OP: You're doing the right thing. He may be happier in assisted living if they have a lively social scene.
My grandma is lonely living by herself in her 90s. She's actually a bit jealous of a friend who went into assisted living because she has people around her to chat with. Grandma still won't go, though, and her adult children won't push her to accept the change. It's sad!
My 87-year-old husband (I’m 66) and I have been married for 22 years, and I’ve been his caregiver for the past four years. He has advanced Parkinson’s disease, and is confined to a wheelchair. His condition has been deteriorating pretty rapidly for the last six weeks or so, with increasing episodes of dementia.
I’ve been the full-time caregiver, with some respite help from an agency that has been sending a caregiver four mornings a week, so I could go to the store, to the gym, etc. I’ve been trying very hard to take care of myself, as I’ve read so much about caregiver burnout. Still, my health has also deteriorated – I’ve had gastritis, esophagitis, IBS -- all due,I’m sure, to the stress of caregiving, loss of sleep, lack of control over my life. For the past week I’ve been suffering from a massive IBS flare-up that’s just starting to subside.
Then last Sunday night, everything changed. My husband’s shouting woke me from a sound sleep at 1 a.m. He had rolled out of bed and fallen to the floor. The paramedics came, and took him to the ER, where we learned that he had broken his right upper arm (and yes, he is right-handed). He spent a couple of days in the hospital and is now in a rehab facility.
Before he broke his arm, he was able to stand up and make his own transfers to the bed or the toilet, but he can’t do that with only his left arm for support. I don’t have the physical strength to take care of him in this condition, and truth be told, I can’t risk my own health any longer on the stress of caregiving.
So I’ve arranged for him to move into an assisted living facility when he’s discharged from the rehab hospital. He doesn’t know that yet – he thinks eventually he’s coming home and things will just go back to the way they were. And although on the one hand I feel very guilty about this, on the other, more rational, hand, I know that we’re both safer with him in the ALF. I love him very much, and I tried my best, but unfortunately he married someone with a shaky digestive system.
I'm so sorry that this has happened, and while the tendency for a caregiver who's taken care of a loved one for a long time to beat him/herself up, if just a bit, when events occur that make it impossible for the caregiver to go on providing that care at home, it's no way, no how your fault nor could you have prevented that fall. You know that, of course, but reminders don't hurt I don't think.
I just wanted to relate a story that I heard recently about a married couple where the woman cared for the husband who had a myriad of healthcare problems, in addition to being blind, for many years. He was a vary large man and she was a tiny little thing, so as the years went on and he became more helpless, it became increasingly difficult for her to help him physically, as it came to pass that this involved at least some lifting.
He fell one day, and she was unable to help him back to his feet. They called the paramedics, who took him to the ER where he was checked out. Fortunately he hadn't broken anything, but the doctors advised his wife to find an ALF for him, where he could be cared for by the staff, because as they said it was just a matter of time before he did hurt himself, and she wouldn't be able to help him.
She took their advice, and found a "real nice" ( her description) ALF within walking distance from where they lived. She was afraid her husband would balk ( which he did) at the idea of nor returning home, so she told him it was just for a try out ( or something like that). She said the first two days or so he wouldn't eat unless she was there to fix it for him, wouldn't let any of the ALF staff care for him, help him to the BR or shower, insisting that she do it. She was unhappy at the thought that her husband hated the ALF, hated not being home, refused to let the ALF staff help or do anything for him, but she knew it had to be that way. So it seems the third day or so, when she went into the ALF bright and early in the AM,prepared to help him with his breakfast, the BR and shower, she found him in his room, sitting in his chair, having showered and was eating breakfast, chatting with one of the aides who was helping him. Seems he had figured this new arrangement was not so bad after all, and even better when his wife spent so much time there just being with him. The last we heard, he was busy learning his paths around his room, and the other areas in the ALF.
In this case, the move to the ALF was the best thing that could have happened to this couple. It can happen ( although I know it doesn't always), and I wish that for you folks. Best wishes to you both!
My 87-year-old husband (I’m 66) and I have been married for 22 years, and I’ve been his caregiver for the past four years. He has advanced Parkinson’s disease, and is confined to a wheelchair. His condition has been deteriorating pretty rapidly for the last six weeks or so, with increasing episodes of dementia.
I’ve been the full-time caregiver, with some respite help from an agency that has been sending a caregiver four mornings a week, so I could go to the store, to the gym, etc. I’ve been trying very hard to take care of myself, as I’ve read so much about caregiver burnout. Still, my health has also deteriorated – I’ve had gastritis, esophagitis, IBS -- all due,I’m sure, to the stress of caregiving, loss of sleep, lack of control over my life. For the past week I’ve been suffering from a massive IBS flare-up that’s just starting to subside.
Then last Sunday night, everything changed. My husband’s shouting woke me from a sound sleep at 1 a.m. He had rolled out of bed and fallen to the floor. The paramedics came, and took him to the ER, where we learned that he had broken his right upper arm (and yes, he is right-handed). He spent a couple of days in the hospital and is now in a rehab facility.
Before he broke his arm, he was able to stand up and make his own transfers to the bed or the toilet, but he can’t do that with only his left arm for support. I don’t have the physical strength to take care of him in this condition, and truth be told, I can’t risk my own health any longer on the stress of caregiving.
So I’ve arranged for him to move into an assisted living facility when he’s discharged from the rehab hospital. He doesn’t know that yet – he thinks eventually he’s coming home and things will just go back to the way they were. And although on the one hand I feel very guilty about this, on the other, more rational, hand, I know that we’re both safer with him in the ALF. I love him very much, and I tried my best, but unfortunately he married someone with a shaky digestive system.
Wait a minute now. It's very sad but if the shoe were on the other foot would he have the strength to take care of you? NO.
Unless you're a professional trained rehabilitation/occupational therapist or something, being at HOME is much more dangerous for him. Look at what happened at home. He didn't have hospital sides on the bed. Something WAS going to happen. We are not professionals. The body can only do so much.
It's not a matter of your IBS making you a weak person.
This way, you can be at the Assisted Living Facility all you want, with support and he'll also qualify for people to come in and keep up the rehab since he was admitted to the hospital. I work for someone in one and it's really nice with excellent food and round the clock attention. They even have Cocktail Hour served by the nursing staff and get dressed up to go to it.
If you can afford to, you can even order meals for yourself and eat there with him, etc. I'm not old enough to live there and in perfect health and I'm JEALOUS of my client LOL. She's 87 with dementia. (ok I admit they may not all be that great but just an example)
Now go get some antibiotics for gastric ulcer just in case. It's an easy but clear cut treatment. Two specific antibiotics and a PPI like you're already taking for the reflux, like Prevacid, and CARAFATE. Ask your doctor. make sure you follow the Carafate label instructions NO FOOD OR WATER OR MEDS surrounding the time you take it.
Then change your diet. Take care and I hope he and you can enjoy your remaining time even if he has to sleep there alone. Which, actually, I think you CAN stay there overnight because my client asks for a CNA to come frequently when she gets anxiety about falling overnight. Even though there is staff there 24 hours for her. Just get two recliners.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 10-12-2013 at 01:15 PM..
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Grandma still won't go, though, and her adult children won't push her to accept the change. It's sad!
