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I only find my 90 year old Mom to be a burden because she was so stubborn about remaining in her home when she needs 24/7 care and lived so far from both me and my brother. We had to trick her to move her to a LTCF, which makes us feel awful. And now, her first week there, I can't even visit her without her demanding I take her home so even the pleasure she would get from having family around can't happen now.
Because of her stubbornness all her life, people have had to do work arounds, which of course leads to her mistrust of others. She has always been mistrusting of others, so even giving her meds is difficult because she's often convinced she's being poisoned. I don't resent that she needs us, only that it has to be at her home. So, I guess the best I can do is find lodgings in an independent living place that transitions to more future care levels OR find a condo near my son's home.
To me the "burden" is more an issue of temperament than disability. I have always been an easy person, basically trusting and not overly confrontative. So I am hoping to keep my attitude even keeled, and part of that is recognizing that when I get frustrated I shouldn't simmer and get angry (which at this point I don't and never have) but look at solutions. I wonder how we can find techniques to maintain a sweet disposition...
It's complicated. I have a checkup scheduled in several weeks at a memory clinic and will probably continue having these follow up examinations throughout my lifetime. Plan A: Remain in home. Children advised that I would prefer death over moving into any type of senior community. I have researched dosages and interactions of medications, timing, place, etc., suicide plan completed. Plan B: If unable to carry out Plan A because of rapid cognitive deterioration or stroke, etc., I have LTC insurance. If LTC runs out, my assets (if any) will be used to pay the facility. Children advised that any child who attempts caregiving against my wishes will be disinherited, per my will. POAs given to attorney/friend, not children. That's it.
It's complicated. I have a checkup scheduled in several weeks at a memory clinic and will probably continue having these follow up examinations throughout my lifetime. Plan A: Remain in home. Children advised that I would prefer death over moving into any type of senior community. I have researched dosages and interactions of medications, timing, place, etc., suicide plan completed. Plan B: If unable to carry out Plan A because of rapid cognitive deterioration or stroke, etc., I have LTC insurance. If LTC runs out, my assets (if any) will be used to pay the facility. Children advised that any child who attempts caregiving against my wishes will be disinherited, per my will. POAs given to attorney/friend, not children. That's it.
I noticed you didn't mention bullet proof advance directives which I'm sure you have when you say "POAs". That would take care of parts of Plan B for example a massive heart attack or stroke with a feeding tube which was my mother's situation.
The GI doctor who guided me through that decision was very frank and said "If you don't place the feeding tube everyone will say you killed your mother because she will not survive more than a month or so. If you place the tube she will most likely suffer a slow death and be gone within a year." Which is exactly what happened. She died within a year in a fetal position weighing 50 lbs. And that year was the most awful thing that could have happened to her AND something she THOUGHT would not because of "her lawyer". Who was the one who insisted she stay there and not die at home. To preserve her estate for her fake husband of 40 years even though in her will she left everything to her grandson. > $1 Million.
His response was based on my request for an honest answer and he drew on his experience with his father in giving me that opinion.
I noticed you didn't mention bullet proof advance directives which I'm sure you have when you say "POAs". That would take care of parts of Plan B for example .
There is no such thing as a bullet proof advance directive.
It's the throw of the dice. As the saying goes, "Man plans and God laughs." I would like to think that I will be able to avoid becoming as close-minded and frightened of the world as my mother became (she lived to be 90). I can certainly work on thinking happy thoughts and being open to new experiences, but if narrowing of the arteries or a stroke or whatever damages my brain in some way, all the happy thoughts in the world won't help me, especially if I'm not even able to formlate a thought of ANY kind in the first place.
I don't have children or close family, so the thought of being placed at the tender mercies of the State is pretty terrifying. All I know to do is to leave copies of my living will with close friends and my doctors, do things to stay as healthy as I can, and hope for the best. I would most definately choose quality of life over quantity, but as others have noted, that choice may simply not be ours to make.
I don't have kids, so maybe that sort of disqualifies me from speaking to the matter. But I do know what my mother could have done to avoid becoming a burden on me.
Maybe this disqualifies me, but both of my mother died when I was thirteen and my dad died when I was in my twenties but despite that I just don't get the parents as burden thing. We were all "burdens" to our parents for decades so it seems to me that taking care of our parents in their old age is just part of the bargain. And while my parents are dead, responding to the needs of my 84 year old mother law is to me a privilege and a responsibility gladly assumed. Even though she chose to live in an assisted living center there was an open invitation to come and live with us and to me that is how it should be. There was once a time in our society that taking care of the old folks was just a part of being a family, to me it is a sad state of affairs where we consider taking care of those who took care of us as being a burden. But I guess I'm just old fashioned.
My idea is to print all the responses and read them all the time. We have discussed each concept and hope to follow thru.
Mom finally decided to move closer to us and to an independent living senior apartment. Best move she could have made. Now we can be more involved, if she wants, and she has a lot of new friends who keep track of each other. (a major lifestyle for them.)
Maybe this disqualifies me, but both of my mother died when I was thirteen and my dad died when I was in my twenties but despite that I just don't get the parents as burden thing. We were all "burdens" to our parents for decades so it seems to me that taking care of our parents in their old age is just part of the bargain. And while my parents are dead, responding to the needs of my 84 year old mother law is to me a privilege and a responsibility gladly assumed. Even though she chose to live in an assisted living center there was an open invitation to come and live with us and to me that is how it should be. There was once a time in our society that taking care of the old folks was just a part of being a family, to me it is a sad state of affairs where we consider taking care of those who took care of us as being a burden. But I guess I'm just old fashioned.
You're not old fashioned, you're uninformed and think you're just ~a better person.
What disqualifies you is not reading other threads on the forum so that you understand the issues.
How convenient that your MIL tucked herself neatly away in an ALF. It's nice she had the mental capacity and money to do so and strangers are taking care of all the "details". That's some real heavy duty caregiving you're doing right there.
Has she set the place on fire, run down the street screaming or naked, or knocked teeth out of other residents' mouths yet? OH WAIT. It really wouldn't matter because it's the ALF's problem or you'd just have to transfer her to the memory care place. No biggie.
But it's cute that you imagine you'd be capable of ....taking care of an essentially insane or totally incapacitated person in your/her home. Alone. And stay employed. And not have agencies and cops threatening you with abuse/negligence. etc etc etc.
Maybe this disqualifies me, but both of my mother died when I was thirteen and my dad died when I was in my twenties but despite that I just don't get the parents as burden thing. We were all "burdens" to our parents for decades so it seems to me that taking care of our parents in their old age is just part of the bargain. And while my parents are dead, responding to the needs of my 84 year old mother law is to me a privilege and a responsibility gladly assumed. Even though she chose to live in an assisted living center there was an open invitation to come and live with us and to me that is how it should be. There was once a time in our society that taking care of the old folks was just a part of being a family, to me it is a sad state of affairs where we consider taking care of those who took care of us as being a burden. But I guess I'm just old fashioned.
What would you have done if your MIL lived 200 miles away and refused to move? If she was walking down the street in her nightgown in the middle of the nights and was so rude to caregivers that they kept quitting? What would you have done about the cost of her caregiving, home maintenance, food, etc. was costing $17k a month for 24/7 home care and her savings were only going to carry that another 20 months at that rate and she was physically healthy? What would you do if she was phoning you a dozen times a day demanding that you come there, but again, refused to leave her house to stay with you?
I too believe it would be fine to care for my Mom in my house, and I certainly would if she wouldn't be hell bent on escaping and then flagging down drivers asking for a ride home. This is not an issue of bad character or low values for many of us.
While having my parents in an institution would have been more convenient for me (allow us to take a trip or two, not have to worry about getting home to provide care or a meal after work) - it would not have been mentally easier, because the short period they were in institutions I was constantly on the phone having to ensure that basic things were being done.
As it was, it was simpler for me to have them in my home, where I could be sure their medical care was being handled properly (yes, I will sound arrogant - but I don't care - my medical opinion is vastly superior to that of the mostly underpaid and undertrained "staff" at many nursing homes) and that they were seeing real doctors (not the nursing home doctor that came in anywhere from 1x week to 1x month and didn't DO anything).
Sure, its meant a slight change in our lifestyle, but still - for me it was the only decision that would allow me to sleep at night. Even if it did mean some inconvenience.
As to our plans when we finally get older -- We don't have children, so there won't be any burdening of any relatives. I will take care to stay active as long as possible to attempt to stave off the mobility issues others unintetionally bring upon themselves. I also save and realize the expense of a good supplmental insurance. I would invest in LTC (and may yet, I'm only 41) - but so many of those companies are closing shop before ever paying benefits - its worrisome.
I expect my husband and I will downsize to a one level home in our early 60s that requires dramatically less maintenance. Perhaps a condo.
Other than that, there's no guarantees in life, so live without regrets as much as possible.
Also - my dad's family routinely lives into their late 90s. My dad is 86 (mom passed last year) and I expect to have him around with us for at least another few years. For everyone here who says "If I make it to 70" ... 70 is YOUNG! I plan to work to 70, so unless something dramatic happens my concerns are for my mid 80s and later..
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I have a checkup scheduled in several weeks at a memory clinic and will probably continue having these follow up examinations throughout my lifetime. Plan A: Remain in home. Children advised that I would prefer death over moving into any type of senior community. I have researched dosages and interactions of medications, timing, place, etc., suicide plan completed. Plan B: If unable to carry out Plan A because of rapid cognitive deterioration or stroke, etc., I have LTC insurance. If LTC runs out, my assets (if any) will be used to pay the facility. Children advised that any child who attempts caregiving against my wishes will be disinherited, per my will. POAs given to attorney/friend, not children. That's it.
