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I have never had to deal with aything like this before. I am very overwhelmed. I have never have even had to deal with hospital or the health system before.
In case you dont want to read thru all of this my question is is adult protective services being called a bad thing? will i get in trouble?
My grandfather is 85 yrs old. He has been living on his own. His health has been getting worse. He isnt really sick or at least doesnt act like it.
He has congential heart failure. He was diagnoised with dementia and being stages of alzheimers about 2 months ago. he recently was in the hospital for 6 days. It was a horrible experiece because he kept wanting to leave against Dr orders. I have medical power of attorny and general power of attorney. I am also the exector of his trust. He is home now from hospital. And the visiting nurse came yesterday to start his file and asses his living arangements. She said that it is no longer safe for him to live on his own and that he needs to move into some sort of assisted living. It doesnt have to be one that provides a ton of care but he cant be on his own. She gave me the examples of .. Can he get dressed on his own? Yes Can he get dressed safely on his own? NO Can he take a shower on his own? Yes safely? No.
I agree with what she is saying. My grandfather has fallen more then a few time. He is on blood thinners so his falling is extra dangerous. He has begun lately forgetting to take his meds or screwing them up. He lives in a 2 story condo with steep stairs and the only bedrooms are on the second floor. She getting up to bed is dangerous for him. He has refused to move from his home. He refuses to allow someone to come into his home 24/7. He is willing to consider letting someone come in once or twice a week or every other week for a couple hours and obviously that wont cut it.
I had to take my grandpas car from him this week which was a horrible experience which is going to slowly get worse for the next couple weeks i think. So im already having one battle with him. And i havent told him WHat the nurse told me yesterday that he is not able to live on his own anymore. Im scared to tell him because he is going to refuse and he can get very very mean and nasty and name calling and he has gotten phyiscal with his son in the past but never me (i think he came close to getting phyical with me this past wek in the hospital but it didnt happen)
And the reality is he cant live alone anymore and his home is not safe for him to live in. I told the nurse my concerns and she said that he isnt going to have a choice and if he wont make his own choice and pick a place and move on his own that she will have to call adult protective services and they will make him do it. She didnt say this in a threatening way or in a bad way. And i didnt take it as a bad thing. however afterwards the more i thought about it the more worried i have become. Does her calling adult Protective services mean that i am going to get in trouble because i havent made my grandpa move out of his home? I wish i wasnt the power of medical and all that with him. This is not something i feel i am ready or capable of doing. My grandpa and i have always been super close and i feel like this is going to change (ruin?) our relationship. The problem is my mother and uncle (both my grabdpas children) would not ever have his best intrest in mind and would not do what he wished.
This is by far the most diffucult thingi have ever had to do.
I don't know how quickly Adult Protective Services would get involved. You might have given us your state. Perhaps someone here would have had state specific experiences.
I want you to call this number soon: 24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900 National Helpline for Alzheimer's Association. The people there can help you with understanding what you must do. They might be able to refer you to a professional who can aid you in your specific place. It is possible there is a local branch of this association in your town.
Are you all alone in this? Do you have parents, aunts or uncles or does Grandpa have a living sibling that can help you?
Basically what you have to do is arrange for him to move to an ALF. If he has savings, these will be used to pay for his rent, which will be surprisingly high. Remember that he has to have help with tasks of daily living. And his condition will not be stable; it will continue to deteriorate. If he has no savings, then he might qualify for Medicaid.
After he moves, you can sell his condo for more assets. I am not sure if he can retain his condo if he is placed on Medicaid. You will have to research this. Contact the local department of aging in your town for help with understanding all of this.
As to getting him to move, what you will have to do, is simply to insist that he is moving. You will never win an argument with someone who has dementia. Forgetting or messing up meds is common problem with dementia. If he is on blood pressure meds, and he skips several days, he could have a life changing stroke. If he takes too many he can faint and fall. With blood thinners, he needs to take a specific dose and regulate his intake of green veggies, am I right? He is unable to do this now, I imagine, because of the dementia. So, he has to move. And he is at risk of falling. But you will never convince him of this.
There are things you can try. You can visit a place, determine it is nice, and take him for a visit. He can see that it isn't a "nursing home". But I also suppose that could also backfire.
In many cases I have noted that relatives dither with a stubborn elder, and finally a crisis precipitates a change. You might take your grandfather to a doc who can tell him that he cannot live alone any more. This is finally what got my mom to move ahead to an ALF. If your grandfather respects doctors and authority figures, this could work.
This will not be an easy path though. I want to wish you good luck.
I don't know how quickly Adult Protective Services would get involved. You might have given us your state. Perhaps someone here would have had state specific experiences.
I want you to call this number soon: 24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900 National Helpline for Alzheimer's Association. The people there can help you with understanding what you must do. They might be able to refer you to a professional who can aid you in your specific place. It is possible there is a local branch of this association in your town.
Are you all alone in this? Do you have parents, aunts or uncles or does Grandpa have a living sibling that can help you?
Basically what you have to do is arrange for him to move to an ALF. If he has savings, these will be used to pay for his rent, which will be surprisingly high. Remember that he has to have help with tasks of daily living. And his condition will not be stable; it will continue to deteriorate. If he has no savings, then he might qualify for Medicaid.
After he moves, you can sell his condo for more assets. I am not sure if he can retain his condo if he is placed on Medicaid. You will have to research this. Contact the local department of aging in your town for help with understanding all of this.
As to getting him to move, what you will have to do, is simply to insist that he is moving. You will never win an argument with someone who has dementia. Forgetting or messing up meds is common problem with dementia. If he is on blood pressure meds, and he skips several days, he could have a life changing stroke. If he takes too many he can faint and fall. With blood thinners, he needs to take a specific dose and regulate his intake of green veggies, am I right? He is unable to do this now, I imagine, because of the dementia. So, he has to move. And he is at risk of falling. But you will never convince him of this.
There are things you can try. You can visit a place, determine it is nice, and take him for a visit. He can see that it isn't a "nursing home". But I also suppose that could also backfire.
In many cases I have noted that relatives dither with a stubborn elder, and finally a crisis precipitates a change. You might take your grandfather to a doc who can tell him that he cannot live alone any more. This is finally what got my mom to move ahead to an ALF. If your grandfather respects doctors and authority figures, this could work.
This will not be an easy path though. I want to wish you good luck.
Keep us posted on your progress.
thank you so mucg for your reply. Im in Michigan i meant to write that and forgot to. I have an uncle (my grandpas son) that does help but he and my grandfather have a volitale relationship and always have. They have gotten in physical fight in the past (like 10+ years ago while my grandpa was still healthy) But they still argue and fight and while it hasnt turned physical in awhile it still might happen. My uncle is a recovering alcoholic and is sober for the most part but does have slip ups multiple times a year.My grandfather also is extremely verbally abuseive to my uncle so it is hard for my uncle to be around him for extened periods of time. My uncle has been helpful and in the past several years has been taking him to some of his appointments and errands and such. My uncle lives about 10-15 mins from my grandpa and i live 1 hr away. My mother is no help with any of this and my sister lives in vegas. My grandpas only living sibling is in fl and his health is not good so he can not physically help but he will be as supportive to me over the phone or thru email as possible.
Fortunetly my grandpa has the money to pay for any type of care he could ever need. And i am beyond greatful and thankful he does so at least that is one big part of eeverything i dont have to worry about. However i can see it causing issues with my mother and uncle as they dont want "all their money" (inheritance which my uncle, mom, sister, and i will all split into 4 equal parts) all spent on his care.
I know where he would want to live or at least where he use to say he was going to move to when the time came. He had already went to veiw different facilities when he had to place one of his olderbrother in one and he picked on out then for the future. Unfortunetly now he doesnt feel the same about going there as he did back then.
I also know that he would want to stay in his house for as long as possible and feel that i am being selfish for wanting him to go to assisted living so that he is safe. i know that he could get 24/7 care at home and modifications could be done to make it safer in a sense but i feel that he would be safest in an assisted living place.
He has had at least 5 or 6 dr in the hospital and many nurses tell him that he can longer live safely at home alone. His response was they dont know what they are talking about and who are they to think they know what he needs to do (he knew they were drs but didnt feel they had the knowledge to tell him what is best for him) I am going to talk to his normal primary care Dr and see if he will talk to my grandpa about it. If there is even a remote chance of him listening to any one his primary care Dr would be the only one.
I just want to do what he would want done for him if he was in his right mind and able to rationally make a decision.
no, you're not being selfish. You're thinking of safety, and quality of life.
yes, he will get angry at you. But at least he'll be around to get angry.
it actually might be easier to have APS involved. He can blame them and remove some of his anger from you.
He's probably scared-of moving, of dying, of being alone, of the changes he feels in himself that he doesn't understand and can't do anything about.
it's not going to be easy for you but helping those you love isn't always easy.
no, you're not being selfish. You're thinking of safety, and quality of life.
yes, he will get angry at you. But at least he'll be around to get angry.
it actually might be easier to have APS involved. He can blame them and remove some of his anger from you.
He's probably scared-of moving, of dying, of being alone, of the changes he feels in himself that he doesn't understand and can't do anything about.
it's not going to be easy for you but helping those you love isn't always easy.
About his money--this is touchy. My advice is not to tell many people what you are about to do, if you think they will object because of money. How I view it with my mom is that I am thankful that she has had savings to spend on her care, so we didn't have to finance it ourselves.
Here's the thing--we don't get to choose when or how we die. An awful lot of people die far too young. And then there are those who live so long they can't care for themselves any longer. All of us here have had to face hard facts about our loved ones. I remember thinking if only my mom can hang on for another year, I'll retire and then I'll go down there and maybe we'll be able to help her get an apartment in town, and then. . . . But she couldn't "hang on" and we had to get into an ALF before I retired.
I do want you to contact the Alzheimer's Association. I called that hotline several times at my wit's end in the beginning. I recommend them highly.
You just have to do the best you can on this. Do expect grandpa to become angry. But in the end this is for his safety and health, and your peace of mind.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever read here (sorry I don't remember who posted it):
If he protests, tell him that YOU will be sent to jail if he doesn't move out of his current home into a safe place. Tell him that since you have his power of attorney, they will blame you if he is left in unsafe circumstances. Which, honestly, isn't that far from the truth — it IS the reason you're worried about protective services. Quite often people will do something unpleasant that they don't want to do if they know it will help one of their loved ones. Pitch the idea to him that he's moving to save you from the law.
About his money--this is touchy. My advice is not to tell many people what you are about to do, if you think they will object because of money. How I view it with my mom is that I am thankful that she has had savings to spend on her care, so we didn't have to finance it ourselves.
Here's the thing--we don't get to choose when or how we die. An awful lot of people die far too young. And then there are those who live so long they can't care for themselves any longer. All of us here have had to face hard facts about our loved ones. I remember thinking if only my mom can hang on for another year, I'll retire and then I'll go down there and maybe we'll be able to help her get an apartment in town, and then. . . . But she couldn't "hang on" and we had to get into an ALF before I retired.
I do want you to contact the Alzheimer's Association. I called that hotline several times at my wit's end in the beginning. I recommend them highly.
You just have to do the best you can on this. Do expect grandpa to become angry. But in the end this is for his safety and health, and your peace of mind.
Thank you and i plan on calling them tomorrow.
There is a good chance my grandpa still has more then a few years left, the majority of his 14 siblings lived well into their 90's. The oldest age lived was 97. My grandpa and his only alive brother were the 2 babies of the family.
maybe you should move in with your grandpa and be the full time caregiver?
they cant make him move out of his own house if a family member takes care of him
I have thought about doing this but I dont think i could mentally emotionally or physically handle it. I also know that he is and has always been a very private person and he would be to embarassed to allow me to help him do many thins and that he would also be so angry with me for taking care of him and him being a burrden(his word not mine). I also dont think he can be fully kept safe in his own home by me. It is just not laid out well for someone older who is having problems with falling and walking.
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