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Thank you, Ani. I think it is just part of the process.
As a young child, my mom would say, "Thanks a lot," or "Now you did it. Are you happy?" And then she would cry and cry and I never knew what was wrong with her. I would try to please her.
Just last week she said to me, "I didn't have to have you."
I had been thinking I was doing a good job to keep her in her home for eight years after my father died. I was happy she was having a good life.
She can be very punishing so I am still "scared" of her reaction - and possible blaming of me - (that's my child who wants to please her mom) - and I honestly feel guilty even though it is irrational. (Feelings aren't rational).
Just from a common sense standpoint, it would be "better" to have no drama. I am not looking forward to drama - I can't take it. I honestly have done my best.
So the feelings are all over the place: Lots of fear and dread.
I also haven't heard back from the facility yet and that is maddening.
I have big problems because I have to arrange all of this and keep the money coming in to finance it. It's a lot.
Thanks for any good wishes/prayers/what-have-you. I am very depressed and sad today.
I understand. My mother has always treated me this way (but not when anyone else could hear/see it - other than when I was a child and sometimes my siblings saw/heard things).
Some people have mental health issues. Your mother is an abusive personality, plain an simple. You have been her target. You continue to be her target. Obviously, this will never change. You can't make it change. No amount of kindness, patience, forebearance on your part can affect how she treats you.
Of course you dread the interaction. I am so so so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
The only thing that has helped me at times is to remember: you are the one in control. Her hatefulness is her way of controlling you - beating you down, making you feel unworthy. But the reality is . . .you are fully aware of her motivation. The issues are hers. She gets some kind of perverse satisfaction out of seeing you in pain. So the key is - no reaction from you. No engagement. That means - not trying to show her kindness in the face of her ugly comments. It means just ignoring her. It means not letting her get inside your head.
And in the end, it means getting her out of that house and into a facility where professionals can handle her care.
For once, you are in charge 100%. She can protest. She can go bananas. But if you plan things out correctly, she isn't going to be able to do a thing once the deal is done. And since her animosity is very specifically directed to you . . . I will make a bet that her onstage behavior with the other residents and the adminstration of the facility will be totally different than her interaction with you. After all, her mission in life is to prove to everyone what a thoughtless, uncaring, unworthy person YOU ARE. She isn't going to want to make herself look like the problem.
I hope you hear back from the facility this week and can move on with plans. I highly suggest you get someone else involved to help you keep things on track when the Big Day comes.
Thank you, Ani. I think it is just part of the process.
As a young child, my mom would say, "Thanks a lot," or "Now you did it. Are you happy?" And then she would cry and cry and I never knew what was wrong with her. I would try to please her.
Just last week she said to me, "I didn't have to have you."
I had been thinking I was doing a good job to keep her in her home for eight years after my father died. I was happy she was having a good life.
She can be very punishing so I am still "scared" of her reaction - and possible blaming of me - (that's my child who wants to please her mom) - and I honestly feel guilty even though it is irrational. (Feelings aren't rational).
Just from a common sense standpoint, it would be "better" to have no drama. I am not looking forward to drama - I can't take it. I honestly have done my best.
So the feelings are all over the place: Lots of fear and dread.
I also haven't heard back from the facility yet and that is maddening.
I have big problems because I have to arrange all of this and keep the money coming in to finance it. It's a lot.
Thanks for any good wishes/prayers/what-have-you. I am very depressed and sad today.
We are sistashs of a different father, I am certain. Our moms must be twins. We lasted 10 years past Dad's death. So now she has been in a facility for 3 weeks and her misery is causing me a lot of angst. Its irrational, because she is where she belongs. We want to please our mommies, always, no matter if it makes sense or not.
Call the facility marketing person again. I know the specific people you are dealing with; I had to ride them pretty hard to get them moving. And they disappointed me by rejecting her.... but we found a great place in Texas so it all worked out.
I understand. My mother has always treated me this way (but not when anyone else could hear/see it - other than when I was a child and sometimes my siblings saw/heard things).
Some people have mental health issues. Your mother is an abusive personality, plain an simple. You have been her target. You continue to be her target. Obviously, this will never change. You can't make it change. No amount of kindness, patience, forebearance on your part can affect how she treats you.
Of course you dread the interaction. I am so so so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
The only thing that has helped me at times is to remember: you are the one in control. Her hatefulness is her way of controlling you - beating you down, making you feel unworthy. But the reality is . . .you are fully aware of her motivation. The issues are hers. She gets some kind of perverse satisfaction out of seeing you in pain. So the key is - no reaction from you. No engagement. That means - not trying to show her kindness in the face of her ugly comments. It means just ignoring her. It means not letting her get inside your head.
And in the end, it means getting her out of that house and into a facility where professionals can handle her care.
For once, you are in charge 100%. She can protest. She can go bananas. But if you plan things out correctly, she isn't going to be able to do a thing once the deal is done. And since her animosity is very specifically directed to you . . . I will make a bet that her onstage behavior with the other residents and the adminstration of the facility will be totally different than her interaction with you. After all, her mission in life is to prove to everyone what a thoughtless, uncaring, unworthy person YOU ARE. She isn't going to want to make herself look like the problem.
I hope you hear back from the facility this week and can move on with plans. I highly suggest you get someone else involved to help you keep things on track when the Big Day comes.
We are sistashs of a different father, I am certain. Our moms must be twins. We lasted 10 years past Dad's death. So now she has been in a facility for 3 weeks and her misery is causing me a lot of angst. Its irrational, because she is where she belongs. We want to please our mommies, always, no matter if it makes sense or not.
Call the facility marketing person again. I know the specific people you are dealing with; I had to ride them pretty hard to get them moving. And they disappointed me by rejecting her.... but we found a great place in Texas so it all worked out.
I am going to try to focus whatever positive bits I can focus on. I am getting too absorbed by fear. This is difficult stuff. I am going to pray my mom will be happy and that I will have the strength and courage to do everything I have to do.
Thanks to all who have offered support.
I got a massage last night and am just going to try to take "one day at a time."
This is really breaking my heart, imcurious. I'm sure you're doing your best for your mother. I can understand how the guilt must be eating you up as well. A lot of times, the best solutions are the hardest ones to make.
I would suggest, though, to really make time to visit the facility you're considering. Sometimes, they look good on paper but might not be the best fit for your mother. Some facilities allow the elderly to stay overnight to see if they like the place or if they can interact well with other residents. Perhaps you can consider that if she agrees?
Keep your chin up. Sending you my prayers.
mod cut
Gianna
Last edited by Sam I Am; 11-26-2013 at 02:48 AM..
Reason: you cannot promote your own blog here
I am going to try to focus whatever positive bits I can focus on. I am getting too absorbed by fear. This is difficult stuff. I am going to pray my mom will be happy and that I will have the strength and courage to do everything I have to do.
Thanks to all who have offered support.
I got a massage last night and am just going to try to take "one day at a time."
How old is your mom?
PS - Massages are good.
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Question - 8 years is a long time....
