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I had an extremely disturbing experience this weekend. Went to visit my parents this weekend...shortly after we arrived, the phone rang. It was the neighbor across the street calling to say that she had fallen and pushed her medic alert necklace so the EMTs were on their way. Mom found the key and I ran it over so they could get in.
This sweet 85 year old lady was home alone. She is diabetic. Lives with her daughter and her daughter's partner. The two women were at work (retail) a HOUR away. The house REEKED of cat pee. Many rooms were piled high with stuff...the kitchen was basically clean, but had no clear counter space.
While the EMTs did their thing, I tried to turn off the ADT alarm...had to call the company, they could not turn it off remotely because I didn't know the safe word or password. Basically they had called 911 for her, called the two emergency numbers they had on file and left messages, and wouldn't do anything else. After quite some time someone figured out that 1234 is the default code and they had never changed it.
Meanwhile, I see that there is a smoke stain on the ceiling in the kitchen. Notice that there is a bracket on the wall for a smoke detector but no smoke detector. Found other brackets but not one smoke detector. Found 6 smoke detectors in boxes on the dining room table, so someone knew they needed them, but had never installed them. While upstairs to look for detectors...the old lady's bedroom was cluttered (barely able to walk across) it and reeked of human pee. I would not let my dog stay in that room.
The other bedrooms were worse.
I suppose some might chastise me for snooping, I do understand that I was way out of bounds, but I was extremely alarmed by what I saw. There was NOTHING to indicate that this family had any sort of plan in place. Turned out the diabetic had extremely high blood sugar and the daughter knew she was rarely compliant. There was lots of appropriate food in the house, but no one to make sure she ate it. There is no way in HELL that environment is appropriate for this woman. Clearly she is not receiving adequate care. She sits at home in front of the TV all day (the living room was fairly usable).
Mom says that the partner is actually retired and is home most of the time...only works the holiday season. But the house is always like that. The woman told my mom just last week she wants to go to a nursing home, but her daughter talked her out of it. She is clearly a good candidate for Assisted Living but if her daughter can't put up a freakin smoke detector, will she ever take the steps needed to make that happen? The woman gets her husband's military pension for life, and her house is worth at least $500K so money is not the issue.
I would call Adult Protective Services as long as I felt that her daughter & partner would not "take it out" on the elderly woman or be able to blame a specific reporter.
It is possible that the alarm company may have procedures in place in case they have numbers that are not useable (or people turn off their phones, etc). They may call Protective Services.
Call Adult Protective Services. It is possible that the daughter wants to continue living in the house, and doesn't want mom's income to go to Assisted Care. If the house is in such terrible shape, I don't think it is going to be worth that much money though. Who would buy it?
I imagine that Adult Protective Services would have access to the records of the EMT folks, which might substantiate what you are telling them. I don't know this, but I would hope so.
Call Adult Protective Services. It is possible that the daughter wants to continue living in the house, and doesn't want mom's income to go to Assisted Care. If the house is in such terrible shape, I don't think it is going to be worth that much money though. Who would buy it?
I imagine that Adult Protective Services would have access to the records of the EMT folks, which might substantiate what you are telling them. I don't know this, but I would hope so.
I considered that, but the daughter owns a townhome near her store. They just moved in to 'help' mom...but I'm sure the townhome is filled to the ceiling with stuff as well. I doubt it is a case of the daughter consciously thinking that SHE is better off if Mom stays in her home.... But if she can't even clear off her own bed in order to sleep in it, how is she going to take the initiative to do what needs doing for Mom?
IMHO the caregivers are every bit as in need of intervention as Grandma is. Who is going to help THEM?
EMTs are supposed to be Mandated Reporters. I was hoping they would take care of this. But they did not give the appearance of being terribly alarmed or shocked by what they saw. Maybe they were just being professionally discreet, but they said nothing that led me to believe they would find a way to advocate for this family.
Go ahead and report it. With the recent hospital visit, the daughter and her partner will not know it was you.
My MIL's house is piled with stuff like that, if the mom always had the house that way she is probably a hoarder, and it might be more a case of the daughter tolerating the mom's hoarding. You can't get rid of their stuff, they can get very emotional about it.
A lot of posters remember my story with my FIL (now age 91) and his sister (age 92).
Back in February or March, 2013, she either fell or fainted and 911 was called. Paramedics came and she was transported to the emergency room. Unknown to us, DCF was called (Department of Children & Families).
We (my husband and I) had been butting our heads against the wall trying to get them help but no way. Both refused to let anyone in. Anyway, because of DCF, it did scare them and "The Wendy's People" came on the scene (people they "met" at Wendy's).
We at least over a few months got DCF off their backs but we can always use that avenue if needed.
Since that time, the sister passed away in late October 2013 (collapsed) and the Wendys People quit the day before. We had interviewed 2 wonderful part time caregivers but the sister didn't want them (wanted the Wendy's people) but now she's gone and these 2 wonderful ladies are in place, part time and all is great.
The only issue we have is him (FIL) driving - not as much but he still does. Trying to deal with that; taking baby baby baby steps. At least, the caregivers are in place, doing great and all enjoy each other.
True blessings!
Please call where you need to and don't feel bad about it. You will doing all of them a favor.
A lot of posters remember my story with my FIL (now age 91) and his sister (age 92).
Back in February or March, 2013, she either fell or fainted and 911 was called. Paramedics came and she was transported to the emergency room. Unknown to us, DCF was called (Department of Children & Families).
We (my husband and I) had been butting our heads against the wall trying to get them help but no way. Both refused to let anyone in. Anyway, because of DCF, it did scare them and "The Wendy's People" came on the scene (people they "met" at Wendy's).
We at least over a few months got DCF off their backs but we can always use that avenue if needed.
Since that time, the sister passed away in late October 2013 (collapsed) and the Wendys People quit the day before. We had interviewed 2 wonderful part time caregivers but the sister didn't want them (wanted the Wendy's people) but now she's gone and these 2 wonderful ladies are in place, part time and all is great.
The only issue we have is him (FIL) driving - not as much but he still does. Trying to deal with that; taking baby baby baby steps. At least, the caregivers are in place, doing great and all enjoy each other.
True blessings!
Please call where you need to and don't feel bad about it. You will doing all of them a favor.
I very very recently went thru the driving thing with my grandpa. And like u we had tiped toes around it and made lots of tiny tiny baby steps for a couple years. Until I took his car and moved it 15 miles away. He was coming home from a 5 or 6 day stay at the hospital so I used that opportunity to do it. It was absolute hell for a week or 2. But we got thru it and I am so glad I did it. I know it's hard to do but if it needs to happen it needs to happen. There are ways to indirectly do it I've learned. Contact your DMV. I'm not sure where u live but in mi you submit a form an explain why they should have there driving reviewed. They elderly person is contacted by DMV and told to come in for evaluation. They keep your name out of it unless they legally can't (ie it ends up in court) and when the person fails the test they lose their driving privligies. Not all states are the same but they are similar. Also one of the major hospitals has a thing where the primary dr can refer them to go so an evaation for driving that is extremely through and if they fail the place is required by law to report them to dmv so they lose there Lic and in both ways you are not blamed by ur loved one
Fire departments will install smoke detectors at no charge. Just call the local fire station. When they see the living situation they will be obligated to get the proper agencies involved. This can be done very discreetly and you can ask to remain anonymous. I had to do this in a similar situation.
You can't believe what people "say" anyway. (owns a townhouse, there to help mom, etc). That other house could be in foreclosure, or a mess, or deferred maintenance, or utilities shut off etc etc.
The proof is what they are doing - which is obviously NOTHING. Especially given one of them is supposedly home most of the time all year.
In the very least, the smoke detectors will have to be put up legally according to code, which, in MY township is on the CEILING.
I considered that, but the daughter owns a townhome near her store. They just moved in to 'help' mom...but I'm sure the townhome is filled to the ceiling with stuff as well. I doubt it is a case of the daughter consciously thinking that SHE is better off if Mom stays in her home.... But if she can't even clear off her own bed in order to sleep in it, how is she going to take the initiative to do what needs doing for Mom?
IMHO the caregivers are every bit as in need of intervention as Grandma is. Who is going to help THEM?
EMTs are supposed to be Mandated Reporters. I was hoping they would take care of this. But they did not give the appearance of being terribly alarmed or shocked by what they saw. Maybe they were just being professionally discreet, but they said nothing that led me to believe they would find a way to advocate for this family.
The caregivers, if reported, will have to clean up their abode. If not reported, they will continue to live as hoarders.
But the most important person in this is the elder who is forced to live with them.
If the authorities don't know about this, then how can they act?
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I would definitely call....
