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Thank you. I think my mom would actually forget from moment to moment that she has no license, so she would drive anyway.
Nothing you wrote sounded harsh. There is not only a safety issue for her but a public peril issue as well.
It's puzzling to me that they don't recognize that they are impaired. Sigh... I guess I might be the same someday.
I think that elderly with health problems are something like people who drink and then consider driving. If you have a couple of drinks you are drunk but sober enough to realize that you are too drunk to drive so you don't drive. But if you have many, many drinks you are so impaired that you don't realize that you are too drunk to drive so these people with .2 or .25 or .3 drive and can cause some very serious damage to themselves and others.
As another poster stated, some elderly people are too impaired to realize on their own that they are too impaired to drive and that is when caring relatives, friends and neighbors need to step in to protect them & protect the general public.
My grandmother was around 85 (now 96) when my mother & aunt finally insisted she sell her car, and give up driving for good. This was only after she'd mistaken the gas pedal for the brake, and crashed into my aunt's garage... she blamed it on ice, but it was the middle of summer.
Now my 66 year-old father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, so we are facing this issue too. His license recently expired, and since he's been officially diagnosed, his doctor has to send approval to the DMV. He'll probably pass this time, but won't likely be driving in another year or two. Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia, and does she also live in California? If so, I'm pretty sure the doctor BY LAW must report her condition to the DMV... then she'll have to be re-evaluated every year, in order to keep her license valid. This is what we've been told in regards to my father, at least.
If you live close and/or have the financial means, can you offer to help with the driving duties - either by yourself, or by hiring a driving service? Thankfully my father does have the means, and is planning to hire an on-call driver when the time comes. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and feel your pain.
I went through this last year with my dad. He got lost and ended up in another city. I told Mom at that point that Dad should not be driving. Her response was that not being able to drive would kill him...meaning it was not convenient to her. I took pictures of his car parked at the Walmart on the painted lines between the handicap spaces, as more proof for her that he wasn't safe to drive anymore. Dad had to call roadside assistance because he couldn't get his key out of the ignition (it wasn't in park). Still, Mom insisted he should drive.
I filled out the form and sent it to the DMV, after much stressing and agonizing over the decision. They sent a letter saying Dad needed to go in to discuss his license. Mom said they couldn't make him go, and they weren't going to go.
Then Dad took the car and drove the wrong way down the highway, went off-roading with the car, got chased by the police, and got the car impounded. Now he truly doesn't drive and Mom hides the keys. We were fortunate that he didn't kill or injure someone else or himself.
One thing that helped my mom realize after Dad went the wrong way on the highway that he really shouldn't be driving was that my husband told her that was undoubtedly part of Dad's driving record now, and if he kept driving and got in a wreck, the other person's lawyer would get the driving record, see that he was unsafe to be driving, and sue my parents for all of their money. He told her if that happened, she and Dad could come live in our house after they lost theirs. My mother loves her money, so that was a convincing argument for her.
My mother is 86 and has congestive heart failure and will probably die this year. She is also wracked by severe arthritis and walks with a walker. She is as sharp as a tack and wheeled herself into the DVM and renewed her drivers license. I drive with her and she is very safe. I am concerned though that she could have a massive heart attack and kill someone while driving. She does not drive alone and only goes a mile or so to the grocery store. Right now she is not driving as she was in the hospital but I know she would if she ever thought she could do it.
So what if she doesn't drive alone? Is the passenger going to jump on her lap to press on the brake if/when your mother has a heart attack or her arthritis is so bad she cannot press the brake pedal? A child 2 blocks from your home could run out in front of your mother's car. Is her passenger going to be able to react quickly enough?
Good grief, she should not be driving! and you will be responsible for anyone she injures because you did nothing.
I have high blood pressure which is completely under control but I have discussed the what if scenarios with my husband. I am the principal driver in our household. I begged him to take away the car keys, report me to the DMV, whatever he has to do should I no long be able to safely drive. I never want to be the cause of harm to someone just to preserve my independence.
So what if she doesn't drive alone? Is the passenger going to jump on her lap to press on the brake if/when your mother has a heart attack or her arthritis is so bad she cannot press the brake pedal? A child 2 blocks from your home could run out in front of your mother's car. Is her passenger going to be able to react quickly enough?
Good grief, she should not be driving! and you will be responsible for anyone she injures because you did nothing.
I have high blood pressure which is completely under control but I have discussed the what if scenarios with my husband. I am the principal driver in our household. I begged him to take away the car keys, report me to the DMV, whatever he has to do should I no long be able to safely drive. I never want to be the cause of harm to someone just to preserve my independence.
I'm not sure why you are asking "so what if she is not driving alone" as I did not bring that up as a solution.
And I agree she should not be driving and I have asked for ideas from others, hence, I am not "doing nothing" sheesh.
...I have not yet called their doctor because my dad has forbidden me to do ....
It may be time to call their doctor despite your dad "forbidding" you to do so. If you explain the situation to the doctor, he may be willing to be the 'bad guy who takes away driving privileges' without bringing you into it.
I'm not sure why you are asking "so what if she is not driving alone" as I did not bring that up as a solution.
And I agree she should not be driving and I have asked for ideas from others, hence, I am not "doing nothing" sheesh.
I think she was responding to ToriaT's post about her mother.
A few years back dh was the "bad guy" who took his elderly mom's keys and removed the battery from her car.
That was after a couple of months of his older siblings wringing their hands over what to do about her deteriorating health and mental condition They whined and moaned about taking away "mom's dignity". Dh told them and his mom: "I accept all the blame. Any bad or mad feelings you have, shoot them at me." The siblings bit their tongues, his mom railed and wailed. Dh made sure his mom always had a ride to wherever she needed to go.
She got used to it. After about 6 months it was her new norm and she quit giving dh the stink eye. But he started sleeping well the day he took the keys, and even if she had never come around he was at peace with himself because he knew he did the right thing.
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