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Has anyone decided to relocate and give up employment to help elderly parents? My parents live in another state (a 2 hour plane ride) and I am trying to decide what to do when one of them is alone. My mother would be agreeable to moving to where I live but don't think my father would be. Difficult situation.
My wife & I have done exactly this. We left our jobs in Asheville & moved down the S. Georgia. It was my wife's idea at the time I fought against it myself now I am glad that we did I have learned much about my mom of late. My wife is a CNA which helps out a lot here lately she is more bed ridden then anything else. She has lost the use of her right arm & her left arm is going as well. My wife found a job working for hospice & now she might have to quit & we both take care of her. Mom gets so much per month for SS & we need to see if it will cover her bills & ours. We don't have much car insurance & cell phone. I'm sure at some point she will have to go into assisted living not that she would be okay with that but if she does we can both get jobs. My wife my take a leave of absence for a bit until she does. Like other posters have said there is much to consider & there are things that no one has thought of that will pop up. We were told that this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.. There is much truth in that.
Thanks Reed. You and your wife are doing a lot more for your mom. It is turning out, that I don't see my parents too often now that I am living here. They have somewhat of a social life. But my father also seems to want to avoid seeing much of me or speaking to my sister long distance. We think he is in denial about the extent of my mother's alzheimer's. When he speaks to my sister, she keeps telling him to get help and he hangs up on her. I don't push him that way, but he seems to not want to see much of me either, for some reason. Part of it may be that during the week I'm busy, with work and the gym and my animals. On weekends, they tend to have plans. My mother also goes on rants complaining about money given to me for my move down here. Since the onset of later stage alz, she is very focused and paranoid about her money. Coincidentally, since I moved down here, they have been "crisis-free" in terms of emergency visits and stays at the hospital, due to nothing I've done. In the months prior to my move, my father broke his hip and had heart stents put in. So as another poster said (I can't look at the previous page now), I will not be buying a house here as I really may be moving. The important thing is, I am working and have benefits, and am comfortable living where I am living. I'm here for the disasters.
I will not be buying a house here as I really may be moving. The important thing is, I am working and have benefits, and am comfortable living where I am living. I'm here for the disasters.
We are not going to be staying here ourselves. When mom passes we have some work to do & then we are going to sell the house. While it's a nice house there isn't nothing for us in this town & it's not where we want to be. We miss the mountains. We came down here some 4 months ago mom was in more then decent shape then, but then her health did a nose dive & now she stays in bed 95% of the time. She's lost SO much weight she is now losing the use of her left arm she lost the use of the right arm a few weeks ago. What has hit me really hard watching her friends who haven't seen her in years come to visit her. Her best friend came down from North Georgia three days ago. I warned that mom doesn't at all look the same as she did a year ago. When she saw her she fell to her knees & cried hard. It broke our hearts to see her friend of 30 years plus break down like that. For me the hardest part of all of this is that while my mom & I have never been close, it is only now that she is close to death that both of us are getting closure. To think that this is what has to happen for us to become close again is just heart breaking.
To the OP.... I am worried about your father. He had some very serious health problems recently, and he seems to clearly be under a lot of stress. Denial, depression... Maybe he notices your Mom gets easily agitated (maybe by those paranoid money conversations)... and he is struggling to keep things calm by encouraging you not to come too often, if she gets agitated every time. Does that seem to be the pattern?
When she brings up the money issues, try to listen calmly, as if she never said them before (she may have forgotten she asked you?), and quickly and simply answer the questions or work on distracting/changing the subject calmly. Who knows.... maybe you can tell her you are going to pay her back, and she will calm down! Try a few things if she forgets what you say anyway. Your job now is to figure out how to relax your Mom. By relaxing your Mom, you improve your Dad's quality of life.
But yes - it is wonderful you are there for crises. I would try to do a few more things for them. Maybe once a week or two... you bring them dinner so no one has to cook. Does Mom like your animals? Bring one once in awhile. When Mom has a big appointment with her Alzheimer's doctor.... go...... so you can learn more about the disease and the treatments/suggestions the doctors have. Go so you can also talk to the social worker and find out about all resources for your parents. And now, learn what facilities exist in your area that provide inpatient care for people with dementia. Your Mom will get worse and there may be a point where your father cannot keep her at home anymore. Remember, his health is also at risk. All of us know a caregiver that had a heart attack/fell/died before the person they were caregiving. It is a stressful job.
Check at the Alzheimer's association website to see if there is a caregiver support group near you. Go to a meeting and see if it is helpful for you. Maybe some time in the future your father may go.... They are very helpful.
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It broke our hearts to see her friend of 30 years plus break down like that. For me the hardest part of all of this is that while my mom & I have never been close, it is only now that she is close to death that both of us are getting closure. To think that this is what has to happen for us to become close again is just heart breaking. 
