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To answer the OP's question: I do not expect my kids to be my caregivers.
Elderly care is something that people oversimplify. There are trends to take into account:
1) When both males and females work equally, it is very difficult to manage the care of an elderly parent. Whoever is overseeing care needs to take quite a bit of time off of work to accomplish this. (In more traditional societies, there was typically one person at home. Not the case in current U.S. society.)
2) Retirees in the U.S. are fiercely independent. In many instances, they do not seek or want a multigenerational household. They prefer traveling, dining out or simply watching TV to living in a multigenerational (noisy) household where they may pitch in by helping raise their grandkids, cooking, cleaning.
3) Unlike other societies, we continue to be a very transient country. Retirees oftentimes move to warmer climates, cities that have better tax breaks for them, better amenities, better opportunities - and that may mean moving away from family. Again, this is often a choice and works well for retirees while they are still active. However, if the final years prove difficult health wise, relocation can prove extremely difficult.
4) The elderly in the U.S. are not disrespected or discarded. Most people I know have a high regard for the elderly and help where ever they can. Assisted living centers and nursing homes lead people (particularly foreigners) to make that judgement: the U.S. discards its elderly and does not revere them as other societies do. How is that the case? The elderly population is the largest segment of the population and has given rise to many industries. For the most part, American retirees are among the most active in the world (new hobbies, new interests and in some cases new careers/volunteer opportunities).
Sure, I have some family members in South America that live in multigenerational homes, where the great-grandparent helps with the cooking, young kids (despite having difficulty walking) and spend their spare time watching TV. That's it. No going out, no getting dressed up, no new interests, no new hobbies, no new friends, no trips. To some people, this is the life, but to many Americans, this is a nightmare.
The differences in "traditional" societies and U.S. society are fundamental: Americans will cling onto their freedoms as long as possible. They are independent from the day they are born until they are no longer physically able.
No, I expect they will care for me in their homes if my LTC runs out, I've spent my savings and am destitute. Why would I want them to drop their careers to care for me unless I was destitute? One day I'll be dead. Then what? What happens to the child who walked away from his or her job to care for Mom?
You should have said Yes, you say no, but than you just repeated back what I asked and that you're answer was YES....LOL..
You're not thinking too clearly.
1) No one said an adult child has to drop their career, an elderly parent may need to move in with an adult child because they can't live on their own anymore. Doesn't mean they're at a state where they can't be left alone during the day.
2) A paid caregiver can always be hired in the home to cover some of those hours.
3) It would be financially smarter to not have to start spending or using the LTC insurance/savings until it go to a point if the parent couldn't remain at home
4) What happens if say you run out of your funds at say age 91? Now you have adult children who could easily be late 60s/early 70s, who may have health issues of their own are unable to take care of you?
Now what? It would have been smarter to start off your caregiving in someone's home, rather than at the end when could very well need to be in a NH or AL, and not have family or are now physically capable of caring for you.
You should have said Yes, you say no, but than you just repeated back what I asked and that you're answer was YES....LOL..
You're not thinking too clearly.
See below.
1) No one said an adult child has to drop their career, an elderly parent may need to move in with an adult child because they can't live on their own anymore. Doesn't mean they're at a state where they can't be left alone during the day.
If I can be left alone during the day, I do not need caregiving.
2) A paid caregiver can always be hired in the home to cover some of those hours.
True. But, see #1. If I need assistance with housekeeping or cooking, etc., then I can remain in my own home and have someone else provide that assistance.
3) It would be financially smarter to not have to start spending or using the LTC insurance/savings until it go to a point if the parent couldn't remain at home
Financially smarter for whom? Unless I have a child who is not employable, it certainly is not financially smarter for him or her. One of the benefits of LTCI is to provide at-home assistance at a much lower cost than full time institutional care.
4) What happens if say you run out of your funds at say age 91? Now you have adult children who could easily be late 60s/early 70s, who may have health issues of their own are unable to take care of you?
Let's be clear. If the current Medical Assistance policy stays in place, I'd qualify to remain in the facility after my LTC and assets were depleted. But assuming Medical Assistance is not available in the future, the odds are in my favor that at least one of my three children would be able to provide "care". Hopefully by the time my children were in their late 60's or early 70's they won't be walking away from a career. FYI, my oldest would be just shy of retirement age when I am 91 years old.
Now what? It would have been smarter to start off your caregiving in someone's home, rather than at the end when could very well need to be in a NH or AL, and not have family or are now physically capable of caring for you.
I have no issue sharing housing with them while I am fully independent. But, I do not want their full time job to be taking care of Mom.
I'm thinking quite clearly, thank you. My "no" was in response to your "So you expect your adult children to pay for your care if you run out of money". I do not expect them to pay for anything. Even if I am "destitute", I will still receive a monthly Social Security check to cover my share of household expenses.
The world I know, generations stick together. Kids grow with parents and learn how their parents take care of their parents. They learn to take care of their parents. And so it is done, the right way.
To all of you, that think otherwise, hear a person out that works routinely with patients in SNFs - skilled nursing facilities. God bless your lack of intelligence, to put it nice, if you want to rot there. I told my kids - I'd rather die in trees than go to SNF.
Oh, yeah, there are "nice" places. Been there to. You have a small apartment and it does not smell of fices and rotten flash, otherwise, it's the same depressive atmosphere.
This country was the right way. Then, it was brainwashed into believing, that parents have to be "see above". So that children can "be free and enjoy life". Which added a helluva more business to those who run retirement places. Added nothing to family values and generations continuity. Btw, everywhere else in the world, elders are respected. USA is about the only country I know of, where there is virtually no respect to elders embedded into population. And so you have what you have. Rip what you sawed.
I agree with the poster who said if you love third world countries, move there. Third-world countries often lack treatment for Alzheimers and other conditions let alone social security. Women are the ones doing all the dirty work and have no say. So it isn't matter of respect there, just a duty that must be fulfilled whether you get along with them or not. Then, care giving isn't a one way street. If elders want respect, give it in the first place. I have no kids, but would never expect full-time care from them in my old age. We sort of went of the same with my late MIL and she took care of her mother although she was frail herself. My MIL acted guilty when er mother went into the nurisng home. But society makes you feel like that. It was the best thing. I went through that with two childless relatives and vowed not to put anyone through it. Someone mentioned you do it because their family. I say bleeh. It depends on how that family treated you. Everyone needs a plan in place and quit acting like your family wil be ther. Take nothing for granted.
The person is question, the daughter who took care of her for 2 years prior to her coming to our facility for rehab, after her hospitalization, and who privately told a couple aides: I can't do it anymore! I don't know how to tell her!: She had a list of things she wanted her to do for herself, and if she could do them, then she was welcome to come back to her daughter's home again, and included in that list was for her to change her own colostomy bag. Thus, I was merely encouraging her to, at least try, to change it herself, as a favor to her. Her response: I can't stand the smell! Yes, indeed, it can be a very smelly task, but there's other patients who change it themselves, and if she wants to rejoin her daughter again, she will have no choice but to change it, or be reassigned to a LTC facility forever.
Being I work in a LTC/Rehab facility we have guidelines/assessments to go by, instituted by Physical Therapy, and we know what a patient is capable of doing, and what they're not capable of doing. So we operate by guidelines/assessments. These are not my guidelines!
Many times, Physical Therapy, will merely say, about a particular patient: She's not cooperating at all in Rehab whatsoever, patient doesn't seem to be trying at all!
I've had patients who merely turn the call light on to pour some water into a glass, or something which they're more than capable of doing themselves. And with 25 patients to take care of at night, imagine what it would be like if they were all wanting you to do something for them they're capable of doing themselves! We'd have to double the staffing!
Believe it or not, there are patients who change their own diapers, and currently, on my watch, I have 3 who do that!
There's a vast difference between needing help and desiring help! There's other Aides who are much less tactful than I am, there's Aides, going by guidelines, will merely say: You can do that yourself! You're in a Rehab facility! Myself, I could never be that direct!
Well we disagree on the level of care and compassion required when working there AND the fact that the patient is the CLIENT paying the salaries of the SUPPLIER.
I'm well aware of what goes on in nursing homes and also ALFs. My mother was in a nursing home for over a year, and I work in an ALF right now. AND I had a SO who was in ICU for three months so I know about hospital care, too.
So this is the first time you've seen a family member unable to address the parent's belief that they're moving "home" with family and don't want to accept their new situation and physical condition? Is that your assigned job getting in between that?
I guess you AND the daughter are both out of the loop with that. Let alone if the person has dementia. It's not uncommon AT ALL.
I don't consider these words to be "encouraging" I consider them rude and baiting.
Quote:
Some day you're going to have to empty your own colostomy bag or change it or spread lotion on your legs! Oh, the look on her face!!! Selfishly, she said: My daughter is going to do all that for me!
It's not the AID's place to lecture, be snarky and scare the patient. If the patient is being non-compliant in her rehab/recovery, delusional or difficult, it's the social workers, the family and the TRAINED STAFF's role to come up with and execute a plan.
OTOH, my client is MUCH MORE accepting of certain staff than others. This is one example of why. I can tell you specifically WHICH staff members "manage" to do what they're getting paid to do...assistance with the standard things that she needs help or encouragement with at 87 years old with stage 6 dementia - FUNNY how "some" are "able" and others just can't seem to get it done. For $6000 per month. But just mention "OK well I guess she's going to have to leave here and go to memory care sooner than we thought" and MAGIC! They manage to figure out how to work with her.
And don't think I didn't know the scam when they told me my mother, who was PARALYZED and couldn't speak was found soiled over and over again and they told me "Oh! Patient's rights! We can't FORCE her to bathe". The greater question is exactly HOW do you claim a lady who can't talk or MOVE very much is so INSISTENT on being dirty.? Massive eyerolls to excuses.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 02-05-2014 at 05:36 PM..
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Myself, I could never be that direct!
