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It’s both puzzling and a bit painful to see a person slowly grow old. To witness their slow yet visible physical degradation, with an almost daily mental degeneration. A slow but constant decline. Each day less capable, more feeble.
Having once been a stunningly beautiful woman, my mother-in-law seemed to have waltzed thru life, pampered more so than most; requiring little effort from her behalf. The life anecdotes she has shared confirm that. Five children and 10 grandchildren later, her pampered life flourished to the point of being constantly spoiled by all her loved ones. Everything from adjusting her wristwatch to medical appointments was done for her by others. Her greatest daily endeavors were the meals she prepared. It was the quintessential “unchallenged” life of ease, comfort, and free from most common stresses.
The pampering and spoiling – it seems – added to her mental degeneration. With no reason to as much as pick up the phone to make a doctor’s appointment, her mental faculties quickly waned. Ask her any question and her immediate auto-response is, “I don’t know.” Thus, television is now her closest friend; her mindless friend. For as we know, TV asks but few questions. And when it does, it wastes no time in serving all the answers.
Why am I writing this, you may ask. I write this to stress the point that, be they young or old, we do a disservice to those we spoil and pamper in excess. An unchallenged life seems to accelerate the aging process.
May we challenge our young and old along life’s road.
Somehow, I sense there are "other" unspoken issues you have about your MIL. Jealousy of the time and attention your husband gives her? Your critique of your MIL comes off quite arrogant.
A woman who raises five children and has 10 grandchildren who still surround her with love and pampering at the late stages of life sounds to me like an amazing woman. She likely worked hard, inspired wonderful values in her family and was well loved. You are fixated on her now not making her own doctor's appointments.... either she has a lot, which suggests she has a lot of medical problems and likely NEEDS help.... or she has few, and then this critique is somewhat silly.
Many people are scared/intimidated by doctor's appointments as they age. My father's doctors are so rushed, opaque, and forgetful (!) that I have learned an elderly relative should never go to a doctor's appointment alone or you risk errors and miscommunication.
We all search for answers as family changes, and unfortunately we often blame. Please, give her a break.
Dementia is in incurable beast. The only things that seem to slightly delay its progression are social/intellectual interactions (as you suggest...) and exercise. But these will never stop it. Never. And it doesn't sound to me like she necessarily has dementia. She is slowing down, wants a more simple life, and even may be depressed (have you talked with her doctors?!?!). I think she has earned doing whatever she wants at this stage in her life.
I dearly thank you all for your sincere opinions and response to this subject.
I agree with the likely possibility that my MIL is probably begining to experience first throes of Alzheimers. However, when we compare her habits to that of other similar-aged relatives in the family, it's not difficult to conclude that the "pampering and spoiling" may have contributed to her unwillingness to do even the smallest of things for herself. For example, another family octogenerian makes her doctor's appointments from her cellphone, calls for a cab to make her appointments, and will go to pharmacy for her meds. Circumstances have forced this octogenerian to be self reliant.
Conversely, MIL has been catered to all her life. It seems as though, the "good intentions" of her next of kins (NOKs) have given her reason to be metally slothful. And when it is suggested that she [at least] try to respond to some of her affairs, she will often pull the "you-don't-want-me-here" card, or the "I'm a burden to you" statement. This, of course, makes her NOKs feel bad and immediately go back to doing everything for her.
Not long ago, I suggested she take up reading books with me. She became curious and looked through my book collection with me. Knowing her condition I suggested an easy read: Ernest Hemmingway's The Old Man And The Sea. It's a rather slim book. She agreed. Two days later she gave it back to me. Said she did not want to read about fish anymore.
Somehow, I sense there are "other" unspoken issues you have about your MIL. Jealousy of the time and attention your husband gives her? Your critique of your MIL comes off quite arrogant.
A woman who raises five children and has 10 grandchildren who still surround her with love and pampering at the late stages of life sounds to me like an amazing woman. She likely worked hard, inspired wonderful values in her family and was well loved. You are fixated on her now not making her own doctor's appointments.... either she has a lot, which suggests she has a lot of medical problems and likely NEEDS help.... or she has few, and then this critique is somewhat silly.
Many people are scared/intimidated by doctor's appointments as they age. My father's doctors are so rushed, opaque, and forgetful (!) that I have learned an elderly relative should never go to a doctor's appointment alone or you risk errors and miscommunication.
We all search for answers as family changes, and unfortunately we often blame. Please, give her a break.
Dementia is in incurable beast. The only things that seem to slightly delay its progression are social/intellectual interactions (as you suggest...) and exercise. But these will never stop it. Never. And it doesn't sound to me like she necessarily has dementia. She is slowing down, wants a more simple life, and even may be depressed (have you talked with her doctors?!?!). I think she has earned doing whatever she wants at this stage in her life.
Miss, I thank you for your POV. For the record, we are discussing my wife's mother. And I do agree that MIL (and her now deceased husband) did a wonderful job of raising their five children; each of whom are college educated. Admittedly, that is no small feat. Yet, my wife and some of her siblings are of the opinion that their constant pamperings and spoilings have contributed to their mother's existing state.
So, as stated in my initial post, it would be fair to conclude that pampering our loved ones in excess - be they young or old - is a disservice to their overall wellbeing.
Thank god our loved ones were surrounded by family and friends and were not alone, it sucks the way we go out sometimes, but growing old is a fact of life we all have to deal with and we do so in a kind and loving manner. And for most of the posters here, you we're able to say your good bye in the end. Thank you and have a good day.
IMO...those who enable others are selfish. I know, almost seems like a contradictory statement, doesn't it? If you're constantly doing something for someone, how can YOU be considered selfish!!??
You are selfish with your time, "It's faster/less stressful/easier" to just do it myself!" OR
You're a selfish, fearful coward, "They might get mad at me if I tell them/show them how to do it. I don't want to deal with their anger. What if they stay mad at me and "pay me back" for not doing what they ask me to do!!??"
You're a selfish, greedy, manipulative person, "I'll do for them, because then...they'll NEED me and they'll OWE me. It's like money in the bank! It's called USE insurance! I might need to use them later, so I'll take care of them....for now."
Yeah....selfishness can wear many masks.
I think this goes a little too far. When you are devoting large amounts of time and energy to taking care of someone, I don't think it's selfish to try to make things a little quicker/easier/less stressful when you can. A truly selfish person would back away and let someone else take care of it altogether.
It's also not selfish to try to choose your battles carefully and not confront the person at every turn with what they should be doing for themselves. When you have to spend large chunks of your time helping someone, you don't want to be constantly arguing and bickering.
Finally, it's often very unclear exactly what a declining elderly person can do for themselves and what they can do safely and properly. My mother is becoming increasingly unable to understand or remember what a drs office tells her on the phone (or even in person, for that matter), so my sister and I generally accompany her to the doctor and make the calls for her. She could probably do more for herself around the house than she does, but her balance is very poor and it seems not worth the risk, for example, to make her go out to the foot of the driveway with her walker to pick up her newspaper. She would probably be stronger and more agile if she did more things for herself, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run.
I disagree with the OP as to causation of dementia, i think that is what he/she is saying. easy life = early/easy descent into dementia sort of thing.
No one could have had more challenges throughout their lives than my Mom and Dad and they descended into dementia of different sorts. You roll the dice on genes and environment and you get what you get when you get it.
Neither of them went easily into the night, both of them fought their terrible diseases and did as much as they could for as long as they could. Neither were stunningly beautiful.
Will agree it is about the fight in the dog though. But I don't know that would stop dementia from coming. Maybe push it off or delay diagnosis a little.
My feelings exactly.
I got quite offended when my dad was on his deathbed from pancreatic cancer and some ignorant/arrogant fools tried to insinuate that my dad was only dying because he had given up.
My dad was a fighter and never gave up.
It was the end of the fight and pancreatic cancer had won.
It was not his lack of fight that caused the outcome.
I think this goes a little too far. When you are devoting large amounts of time and energy to taking care of someone, I don't think it's selfish to try to make things a little quicker/easier/less stressful when you can. A truly selfish person would back away and let someone else take care of it altogether.
It's also not selfish to try to choose your battles carefully and not confront the person at every turn with what they should be doing for themselves. When you have to spend large chunks of your time helping someone, you don't want to be constantly arguing and bickering.
Finally, it's often very unclear exactly what a declining elderly person can do for themselves and what they can do safely and properly. My mother is becoming increasingly unable to understand or remember what a drs office tells her on the phone (or even in person, for that matter), so my sister and I generally accompany her to the doctor and make the calls for her. She could probably do more for herself around the house than she does, but her balance is very poor and it seems not worth the risk, for example, to make her go out to the foot of the driveway with her walker to pick up her newspaper. She would probably be stronger and more agile if she did more things for herself, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should never help others. The question needs to be, "What can and should they be doing for themselves."
You don't think it's selfish to try to make things a little quicker/easier/less stressful, when you can. It becomes selfish, when you're doing those things...for your own benefit. Who is it less stressful for? Who is benefitting, by getting it done quicker? Who is it easier for?...and why?
Sometimes...ya gotta ask yourself, "Is it less stressful for mom, or can I help her maintain her physical or mental health, by allowing her to do it herself?" The question is....who is it "better" for?
Sometimes, care takes time. A Lot Of Time! Do you walk to the end of the driveway WITH mom, or do you walk to the end of the driveway FOR mom? Walking down to get the paper is good for your mom. Accompanying her, patiently, in order to ensure her safety, is good for you both. Does it take more time? Yep, it does. st it MORE helpful? Yep, it is.
What you're doing, with the doctors? Excellent! The thing of it is, you already know what's best. You said it yourself. She would probably be stronger and more agile if she did more things for herself, but I don't know if it's worth it in the long run. It would be worth it in the long run for HER. Isn't that what's important?
My feelings exactly.
I got quite offended when my dad was on his deathbed from pancreatic cancer and some ignorant/arrogant fools tried to insinuate that my dad was only dying because he had given up.
My dad was a fighter and never gave up.
It was the end of the fight and pancreatic cancer had won.
It was not his lack of fight that caused the outcome.
Yes... I think there is a cruel (human?) tendency to try to blame people for these tragic ends. Part of it stems from fear. We worry about why life can be so arbitrary... why one person develops dementia, or cancer, and another person does not? So we look for "reasons", and someone to "blame"..... because if we can't find a reason, it might happen to us.
I see this happen all the time, and it is so painful.
My Mom also died from pancreatic cancer. Her sister was quite cruel, "innocently" asking what my Mom must have done that led to this terrible end. It must have been her fault, right? Because if it wasn't my Mom's fault, then my Aunt "realized" pancreatic cancer might someday knock on her door as well.
But no one can see their own future. And the person who presumes how they would respond in the same situation, or compares one person with another (OP....) suffers from arrogance.
Miss, I thank you for your POV. For the record, we are discussing my wife's mother. And I do agree that MIL (and her now deceased husband) did a wonderful job of raising their five children; each of whom are college educated. Admittedly, that is no small feat. Yet, my wife and some of her siblings are of the opinion that their constant pamperings and spoilings have contributed to their mother's existing state.
So, as stated in my initial post, it would be fair to conclude that pampering our loved ones in excess - be they young or old - is a disservice to their overall wellbeing.
You sound very jealous of your mother in law. Pampering and spoiling a beautiful woman does not cause or speed up dementia.
Yes... I think there is a cruel (human?) tendency to try to blame people for these tragic ends. Part of it stems from fear. We worry about why life can be so arbitrary... why one person develops dementia, or cancer, and another person does not? So we look for "reasons", and someone to "blame"..... because if we can't find a reason, it might happen to us.
I see this happen all the time, and it is so painful.
My Mom also died from pancreatic cancer. Her sister was quite cruel, "innocently" asking what my Mom must have done that led to this terrible end. It must have been her fault, right? Because if it wasn't my Mom's fault, then my Aunt "realized" pancreatic cancer might someday knock on her door as well.
But no one can see their own future. And the person who presumes how they would respond in the same situation, or compares one person with another (OP....) suffers from arrogance.
Could your mom's sister have been a "fearful" comment? Did she want to know what your mom might have done to cause this cancer...because she wants to know how to possibly avoid "catching it"? Is she afraid that she may have ate the same things/shared lifestyle choices/been exposed to the same things? Sometimes, some people...say all the wrong things, because they don't know the "right" things to say.
I'm so sorry for your loss...and Teddy's as well. It's hard enough, losing someone you love, but even harder, when those who are still around, cause heartache for you.
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It's hard enough, losing someone you love, but even harder, when those who are still around, cause heartache for you.
