Gut feeling I'm going to need to move away from my Folks (would rather not!) (child, parent)

[jbkaz469]

Hi guys

Thanks for all of the great threads - provided great insight.. Lots of folks with similar circumstances, or at least enough parallels that it really helps me out.

The woman who I am meant to be with I've known for some time - although timing was always off, and we were both seeing someone at the time, etc - we finally got together just over 1 year ago. Problem is that she lives in another state, (midwest) and I am down here in the southwest. My family is SMALL - I have an aunt, uncle, 3 cousins, and BOTH my Folks out here with me. I am EXTREMELY close to my Folks... They are wonderful - They don't guilt me into staying here AT ALL.... I read someone else's thread where they had said something along the lines of , "Go and live your life - your parents will make due, and you can still come and see them as often as is possible. If you stay just to be next to them - then after they pass, you will find life has passed you by" That really hit home for me. There is a chance that my lady WILL be able to move out here with her little one (3 year old), IF the Father agrees to something fair... I have no real control over that - I'd just hope that he'd be willing to work out something like that (where the girl is here for so many months, and then with him - or ANYTHING that makes sense - and STILL ensures that the FATHER is part of the daughter's life, while at the same time, my lady and I are able to BEGIN OUR lives together. I just have a gut feeling that it's going to flip on me, and the only way it will work is it I MOVE out to the midwest - about 1000 miles away from my Folks. I have been to the city where she lives - and really don't care for it (AT ALL) - BUT, I am 36 years old, and have been waiting for this girl to enter my life for a very, very, long time. We've discussed marriage already, and have been flying back and forth to see one another over the past year or so. Part of this is waiting to see what happens with the Father. The good thing is that he is a "good guy" - there is no "abuse" of ANY kind - he's smart, and has already said he wants to see my girl happy. He knows OF me, but has not met me yet. This is something that HAS TO HAPPEN sooner than later. I would not blame him for ONE SECOND to be completely against anything that has to do with his daughter until he's able to meet me, and get to know me. It's not even clear that I would "adopt" this child - but the bottom line is that the idea of moving away from my Family scares me a bit (just being honest), I am truly that close to them. I know I can come visit often, Skype, Facetime, all of these things - but it hurts every time I think about moving away from them as they both grow thru their late 60's, and will both turn 70 this year. They are both in good health - but still .... 70 is 70..... I've seen my Father decline just a bit - I am glad they have Long Term/At Home care policies setup and everything - but I just cringe thinking about NOT helping to take care of them and help them as they grow older. It all goes back to what I said up above, which I pulled from another post...... I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE - OTHERWISE IT WILL ALL PASS ME BY - AND AFTER MY FOLKS HAVE PASSED, WHAT WILL I HAVE? So if that means I have to move - then I think I have to move.

Thoughts?



-jeff

[runswithscissors]

and I am down here in the southwest. My family is SMALL - I have an aunt, uncle, 3 cousins, and BOTH my Folks out here with me

Did your parents move there to be "with you"? If so, no, you should NOT move away, IMO.

WHY are you even THINKING of "adopting" the girl? People don't ADOPT their spouses kids just because they get married to them. She HAS a father, and a good one apparently.

And the MOTHER of the 3 year old has NO BUSINESS moving that baby away from her father, IMO.

As a mother of a son who's father moved away, with all the same BS excuses about "still seeing him" I can GUARANTEE YOU it will ruin that girls' LIFE. How selfish of the mom to think the father is going to be "unreasonable" for not wanting the kid to move away.

The girl staying with her father is MUCH more important than the mother finding a romance so yes, you should move THERE.

I'd get your parent's things in order (house, finances etc) so if they are unable to continue to live independently, everything is organized in such a way that a transition would be easier. Perhaps they'd move "there" if it works out for you.

[brokensky]

You have every right to find a companion, marry and get on with your life.

If you truly want to marry this lady, then be willing to move to where she is if she cannot get agreement from the child's father to allow them to move away.

You can deal with issues about your parents when that time comes. Your age - 36 - is so young to have to give up on your future and it would be selfish parents who made you feel like you were not entitled to your own life apart from them. No one wants to see their children move that far away (assuming they are close to one another emotionally) but it isn't the end of the world. I lived over 1000 miles apart from my parents and then eventually moved back. All of our children but 1 lives at least 800 miles away. It is common for folks to have to move away to get a job in their careers, so for most families, having children spread out across the country isn't that rare.

Do what you need to do to establish your own family if you are sure this is the person you wish to marry.

[jbkaz469]

Thank you for the replies - I really appreciate it, means a lot.