Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Luckily I have two sisters nearby, although one of them is in poor health and can rarely do much to help mom. The other is terrific but her health is a little iffy as well (we're all three in our 60's and retired). That leaves most of the day to day labor on me. The other siblings live at a distance and keep a great emotional distance as well. They're just happy not to get involved.
I understand how resentful you feel. My only advice to you at this stage is to not borrow trouble. Volunteer nothing, and give help (financial or otherwise) only when absolutely necessary. it's fine to say that your own family comes first, but realistically, if your mother gets hit with a big medical bill that has to be paid before treatment can start (yes, hospitals and doctors do that now), you and your sibling may have little choice but to step in.
At this state, it's important just to not promise her anything or give her any assurances of help down the road or your warm welcome if she moves there. One of the dumbest things that my siblings did was to react emotionally to my mother's tears and fears, and assure her that she would never be forced to go into assisted living. The person making good on that promise now (me) is not one of the ones who made that assurance - I stood there dumbfounded at the display of filial piety and reassurances. Don't let yourself be manipulated into patting her shoulder and saying "Mom, don't worry, everything will be taken care of."
If your mother is 82 and can't afford all her medical bills, can't she qualify for Medicaid? My step-mother got most of her medical bills covered through Medicare but she could have qualified for Medicaid if she had needed it since her SS and pension were so low.
I'm with Runswithsissors. If your mom is unwilling to do the paperwork, you are unwilling to help her, period. I can fill up several screens with sad tales of woe I've witnessed through the years, but now it's even worse because in some areas, the state can come after the relatives for the costs of a parent's care or burial.
You need to get things in writing, ASAP. Don't give her anymore money until you do.
And it's possible she's dealing with depression or other mental issues, so keep the kids away until that's straightened out.
I'm sorry that you're going through this! I wish that all families were close and loving, but I'm starting to think that there are a lot more dysfunctional families than anyone realizes. There are just a whole bunch of people with unrealistic expectations, especially now with the economy on the skids.
Congratulations for living frugally and standing firm!
Yes, she has asked... and in fact, do you know what she told me when my toddler (her grandson) started having a meltdown in Mall of America? She said, "good luck with that, I've paid my dues". It's her favorite line of all time.
Everything she did for me was out of "obligation". One year, on my 22nd birthday/Christmas, my mom had gifted me with some really strange things and everyone in my family (my dad, brother-in-law and sister) took note of it. My dad came into my room that night and just simply said to me, "you know, she really didn't want you at all". Thanks dad. I feel so much better now. It's true: She never wanted me. She never wanted my sister. She wanted to be a doctor and some grade school teacher said women couldn't be doctors and she's been bitter every since.
That was YOUR toddler, not hers.
Your Father, having told you as you said might have been part of a big problem.
You harbor a lot of resentment toward your mother and attribute things your Father said about her, did you ever ask your Mother?
You say everything she did was done out of obligation. Hmm, obviously she did them and recognized obligation toward family yet you complain about it.
Back to YOUR toddler, he had a meltdown? Did you ever have meltdowns? Children display "meltdowns" for a reason and that reason could be from a number of causes. It is up to the parent to address them, not grandparents.
On your 22nd birthday your Mom gifted you some really strange things and you say others took note of it. Try not worrying or being concerned with what others think of the gift, it really isn't any of their business. At 22 years of age, hopefully some maturity had come to you and if you had a problem with the gift, spoke to your Mom as an adult and asked about it.
Sorry but there is a lot more at work here than you want to admit. One of them is separating responsibilities and care given from wants and desires. Seems you weren't coddled as a child, so what? You haven't said you were abused so maybe you didn't like your upbringing. Given what your Father said, maybe your Mom did the best she could and you are the result. Ever think of that?
So you mom couldn't or didn't realize her dreams. That is a problem? The problem I see is thinking she didn't have a right to that dream nor to be hurt she couldn't obtain it.
What have you done other than find fault with her? Doesn't seem like much.
Obviously she gave up a lot to raise you, out of obligation or not, the fact is she did it and that means something, something for which you should be grateful. If not, then the issue has been identified.
This is actually really relevant and I'm going to take note. About 3 years ago she started showing signs of memory impairment. She has forgotten complete conversations.. just a couple days apart. For example, she called one day to ask what my husband might want for Christmas and we had a long conversation about it... three days later she called and asked again! Even today we spoke and she got confused on a community course I took last spring. She said, didn't you take that in Michigan? I was like, "no mom, that course in Michigan was a graduate course and it was in 2009". My sister and I have had conversations about it. I suggested early onset of alzeheimer's.. she thinks it has to do with depression or perhaps even drug abuse. I simply don't know.
I figured as much based on what you said about her past and how she thinks/acts. I also bet it's no coincidence that she KNOWS IT and that is part of the motivation to move "close by".
Just be aware that memory impairment can be insidious.
They are EXCELLENT at covering it up. They are excellent at making the family wait WAY WAY WAY WAY too long to come out of denial about it. THEN it's too LATE because they will fight you tooth and nail if they are in the "difficult" category. So EVERYTHING you try to do is 1000% more difficult.
But NOW you need to track other things and document it if necessary.
It's very common for people with a history of depression, drinking, drugs, or even a CURRENT depression to have a dual diagnosis. Dementia with depression or Dementia with anxiety or Dementia with BOTH.
Dementia is a spectrum.
It's also not unusual for people who have a long history of alcohol abuse to have neurological damage. After my girlfriend spent 3 months at Betty Ford, she found out she had frontal lobe damage and wouldn't be able to drive and it was possible it was gone for good. THAT is connected with memory and attention. And drinking. It governs behavior, social actions, filters. Impulses etc.
It's very important to have medical work ups if you can. EARLY. A psychiatrist and neurologist. (yes I realize all this may be impossible).
I also suggest you buy the book Contented Dementia NOW. It won't hurt and will teach you some techniques that you can master as time goes on.
I work for a lady in assisted living entering late stage dementia. She's almost 90.
A lady who's about 60 just moved in with some complex memory problem. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE to speak with her. She cannot carry on ANY TYPE OF CONVERSATION in any logical order. She hallucinates things on tables, she speaks in nonsense like if you ask her a question about her husband she answers telling you about containers. She thinks that the vent on the ceiling is the door. It's so SAD. She also keeps coming in my clients room and that is a big issue and can't continue. So they have caregivers sit there to baby sit her actions.
ALWAYS act sooner than later because once it hits, your life is never the same, and you are helping her AND your other family members by getting a handle on things as soon as possible.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT SHE STAY HYDRATED AND DRINK WATER AND NOT GET A UTI OR SHE MAY CRASH QUICKLY IF THAT HAPPENS especially if she falls. Not coffee, tea or caffeine ...water. Of course I realize you can't do much from out of state.
Medicare pays for the first 20 days of rehab in a SNF. After that, you have a copayment which in 2008 was $110/per day for days 21-100 (I don't know what happens after that because we didn't get that far). The rehab estimated my mother would be there two months or so, and demanded a copay of $4,000 up front. Maybe Medicare plans are different, or maybe cardiac rehab is different; I don't know. Anyway, we each had to chip in to get the $4,000 to the facility before they would even accept her. And yes, she transferred directly from the hospital.
You are right,I was there around 17-18 days,the important thing is you have to go straight to rehab,still haven't figured out why my out of pocket expense was less than $1,000 with 32 doctors involved.
I would like to add very strict about therapy and paper work to Medicare.
Last edited by DanBev; 03-19-2014 at 08:47 PM..
Reason: add info
Yes, she has asked... and in fact, do you know what she told me when my toddler (her grandson) started having a meltdown in Mall of America? She said, "good luck with that, I've paid my dues". It's her favorite line of all time.
Everything she did for me was out of "obligation". One year, on my 22nd birthday/Christmas, my mom had gifted me with some really strange things and everyone in my family (my dad, brother-in-law and sister) took note of it. My dad came into my room that night and just simply said to me, "you know, she really didn't want you at all". Thanks dad. I feel so much better now. It's true: She never wanted me. She never wanted my sister. She wanted to be a doctor and some grade school teacher said women couldn't be doctors and she's been bitter every since.
Sorry you are going through this. I think you shouldn't feel guilty if you just wash your hands of the whole matter. Doesn't sound like a good mom. She is only 60 for goodness sake!
So when the blunt of future planning was on your sister in Minneapolis all was well. Now that they may fall on you its suddenly not so well. From my understanding your mom just wanted to check out some retirement places while visiting, not necessarily without doubt going to live in your city. Your mom is still pretty young and have lots of living yet do to so its best to nip it in the bud now. Recommend retirement places in florida and try to sell that idea to her.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
