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Oh my, OP! I am so sorry that you and your parents must go through such a tragic time. I too had to decide between my career versus caring for my elderly father. I agonized over the question just as you are doing, and I finally decided to place him in a nursing home in my town near where I worked. To this day, I still sometimes second guess my decision and this was 20 years ago.
Take a deep breath and either check the phonebook for your parents' town or else just Google "social services and (parent's town)". The social services office for their city should have a case worker who specializes in the needs of the elderly. She can explain to you what help your parents can get through medicaid and medicare. Depending on their age and income, medicaid has several programs which will pay part or all the costs of getting a home health care giver or assisted living or a nursing home depending on what they need. Even if they have too much net worth to qualify for these programs, they may very well be able to get a reverse mortgage on their home to help pay the costs for their medical care. In my state every town of any size also has a senior ombudman's office which can be a treasure trove of information and help in making decisions. Also, just about every town of any size in the US is going to have a senior center of some sort. Call the one in your town and if they can't help you, they'll refer you to an agency which can.
You have my deepest sympathy. Best wishes for you and your parents.
I just watched my mother go through this last year with her parents, but opposite - my grandfather developed the brain tumor.
It is one of the hardest things I've ever watched my mother go through and my heart goes out to you here, I'm so sorry.
My grandparents were actually in the same area as us... so my mother sacrificed nearly everything to take care of them and it became too much. (So I suggest not moving them in with you, if at all possible..)
She finally had to stop and tell herself (with pressure from other family members, myself included) that when her parents were her age, they lived their lives, and were likely not taking care of an elder family member. They would want the same for you. They are emotionally distraught right now and not seeing the big picture.
We ended up having to move my grandparents to a a full care facility. Things have been SO much better since.
I strongly encourage you to have them moved into an assisted/independent living facility. I know your dad is probably VERY independent and against the idea, and will likely fight you every step of the way... but your options are limited at this point.
This will take the burden off of you, your dad, and your mom will get care that she needs, most places have a nurse on staff 24/7.
Like someone else said, the doctor cannot discuss specifics with you, but most are more than happy to recommend care facilities (government or private pay) and give you an idea what resources your mom (and dad) really need.
You're doing a great job. Don't ever blame yourself or feel guilty because you have NOTHING to feel guilty about!
You're doing the best you can. You have to think about yourself and the rest of your life.
I absolutely forbid you quitting your job. End of story. Auntie Squirl says no! It is not your choice, I am forbidding it.
Now, your parents must be on medicare or Medicaid, right? Home health care is available thru medicare. Help Dad make the phone call to learn about services. You mom may need to go to a facility. This maybe should be a facility near your location. Home health services | Medicare.gov
I agree with Hopes, your father is panicking and I am sure very stressed as you are. Let your father know you can't quit your job and take care of them for EVERYONE'S best interest. Help him set a plan. There are great suggestions on the thread for what can be done.
You need to start taking care of yourself as well or you may spiral out of control!! It's okay to take a step back and put yourself first. My heart goes out to you and your family.
My mom was diagnosed with a stage III brain tumor in February. My father was my mom's primary caregiver, with me (age 26) splitting my time between my job 500 miles away and their home. Since February, my father has slowly collapsed emotionally and physically.
Things reached a breaking point this weekend. My father is hysterically demanding that I quit my job and move back here to take care of both of them. He is like a drowning man clutching at anyone to pull them under too. I was unemployed for a year after I graduated, and I have only been working for a year. If I quit now, I will irrevocably damage my career to be 24/7 caretaker for two people for an indeterminate period of time.
I offered that they move in with me where I work, but he refuses to move down there. Some people might say, "this is your parents' problem", but I am afraid if I leave, my father will not be able to take care of my mom, or worse, withhold care to keep me hostage. I love my mom more than anyone, and I don't want to abandon her. She is willing to come with me, but then I will have to pay for home care 10-12 hours a day because she can't be left unsupervised. I am afraid my father will wipe out the joint accounts and leave me nothing for her care.
What am I supposed to do? I am about to have a nervous breakdown.
Are you sure your career will be damaged "irrevocably" (is that the right word to use? As in, may not be 'revoked'.. whatever)?
These aren't strangers, or your old neighbors- this is family. I am not sure what sort of relationship you have with your family- and you certainly need not explain it to ME - but family is forever, and family MEANS something. Your father is hysterical because he is in a hysteria inducing situation. He is desperate. Personally, I would forgo selfish desires and do the right thing- which is take care of loved ones and concern myself not with career especially at your young age. Your parents won't be around forever...
and what's the deal with everyone telling you to pawn them off on some "social services"? Do you want strangers taking care of your parents?
I m not trying to guilt trip you- not at all- but the recommendations that people are giving are very saddening to me as a human being. It's all "tell Dad to call somebody else" or "its not YOUR problem" it IS your problem! This is your family.
What is SO BAD about taking care of loved ones? YES its work. YES its draining. Thats what "care" is sometimes. People are just too eager to not make sacrifices nowadays it seems to me. Very sad.
Why not move to where old Dad is, that's what he wants, maybe see if there are opportunities there for you part time or full time if you can get a sitter to stay with him during work? That way you can be around for him but not 24/7.
I only scanned the replies and there are some great ones.
Before ANYTHING.....
Tell THEM in order for YOU to be involved, you need HIPAA releases (to authorize you to be involved) and the proper POAs in place etc (which you will find out from an eldercare attorney NOT affiliated with your father.
You also demand full disclosure of their finances so that you KNOW what they are capable or not capable of doing.
Anything else just makes you the hired help with no authority do do anything and all the work, responsibility, stress and career destruction.
If he REFUSES TO MOVE TO YOUR LOCATION, then he's not all that ~concerned.
Quote:
I am afraid my father will wipe out the joint accounts and leave me nothing for her care.
Been there. Done that.
And DO NOT let him manipulate you or drag you to HIS lawyer to manipulate you, either.
GET AN ELDER CARE ATTORNEY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO REPRESENT YOUR MOTHER/you AND ADVISE YOU PROPERLY - DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR FATHER UNTIL YOU HAVE THE CONSULTATION WITH THE ATTORNEY.
I AM NOT KIDDING ABOUT IT.
My mother's [common law-ish] husband of 40 years disappeared when she got sick and the first thing he tried to do was get the house (that was in HER name only). He failed. He was very wealthy, too and did NOT need her assets but just being a jerk and delusional.
THEN he cleaned out the safety deposit boxes with some bogus paperwork from his lawyer. Only ONE BANK refused them entry into HER box.
THEN the lawyer snuck into the nursing home at NIGHT with his secretary (a notary) and made my mother sign her name with an X on a POA document and she couldn't even speak or write because of a stroke, but everyone accepted it as legal.
THEN they forced her to rot in a nursing home for a YEAR because they refused to spend HER CASH that would have allowed her to remain at home with 24 hour care (that she could afford).
The whole thing was RIDICULOUS and CALLOUS too, because her will didn't even leave HIM her assets it was already set up to go to my son and WE wanted her to spend her money on HERSELF that last year of life.
This lawyer who screwed my mother up was a very high profile attorney in our county, well respected and you wouldn't have EVER expected that type of behavior but he did it.
Meanwhile I WAS THE ONE who was fully responsible for everything except her assets and with NO authority. I DID have to quit work for a year, too during the time between the hospital and the ultimate nursing home placement because she kept getting rushed to the ER etc. It takes YEARS to get over drama like this that you're dragged into and I was in my 40's without trying to get on my feet like at your age.
This catastrophe also ruined my son's life essentially at the time and all the great memories he had of them....because he lost his favorite people - one to death and the other one to some kind of craziness and abandonment. He really had NO CLUE what to make of it and he was in college and lost a year or two, also because of his "grandfather's" nonsense.
LISTEN TO GOOD ADVISE
Last edited by runswithscissors; 07-07-2014 at 11:28 AM..
Are you sure your career will be damaged "irrevocably" (is that the right word to use? As in, may not be 'revoked'.. whatever)?
These aren't strangers, or your old neighbors- this is family. I am not sure what sort of relationship you have with your family- and you certainly need not explain it to ME - but family is forever, and family MEANS something. Your father is hysterical because he is in a hysteria inducing situation. He is desperate. Personally, I would forgo selfish desires and do the right thing- which is take care of loved ones and concern myself not with career especially at your young age. Your parents won't be around forever...
and what's the deal with everyone telling you to pawn them off on some "social services"? Do you want strangers taking care of your parents?
I m not trying to guilt trip you- not at all- but the recommendations that people are giving are very saddening to me as a human being. It's all "tell Dad to call somebody else" or "its not YOUR problem" it IS your problem! This is your family.
What is SO BAD about taking care of loved ones? YES its work. YES its draining. Thats what "care" is sometimes. People are just too eager to not make sacrifices nowadays it seems to me. Very sad.
Why not move to where old Dad is, that's what he wants, maybe see if there are opportunities there for you part time or full time if you can get a sitter to stay with him during work? That way you can be around for him but not 24/7.
These aren't strangers, or your old neighbors- this is family. I am not sure what sort of relationship you have with your family- and you certainly need not explain it to ME - but family is forever, and family MEANS something. Your father is hysterical because he is in a hysteria inducing situation. He is desperate. Personally, I would forgo selfish desires and do the right thing- which is take care of loved ones and concern myself not with career especially at your young age. Your parents won't be around forever...
Family is forever but his parents won't be around forever. He has a career that he needs to protect. His entire future, many decades after his parents are gone, can be severely impacted by this. For example, if he's in IT, he can't be away from the industry for even 6 months or his skills will be antiquated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macluffy
and what's the deal with everyone telling you to pawn them off on some "social services"? Do you want strangers taking care of your parents?
Nobody is saying abandon them. There are other ways to care for loved ones besides throwing a career down the toilet to be the hands on 24/7 caregiver. Protecting his career is in the best interest of his parents so he has money to provide for them when their money runs out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macluffy
I m not trying to guilt trip you- not at all-
Oh, yes, you are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macluffy
It's all "tell Dad to call somebody else" or "its not YOUR problem" it IS your problem! This is your family.
The OP is their family too. Doing it his father's way isn't the only way. There are other ways to go about this. Nobody is saying it's not his problem. We're recommend he help his father understand his alternatives because he's probably freaking out because he doesn't know what's available.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macluffy
What is SO BAD about taking care of loved ones? YES its work. YES its draining. Thats what "care" is sometimes. People are just too eager to not make sacrifices nowadays it seems to me. Very sad.
There are many ways to care for people. There are many ways to make sacrifices.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macluffy
Why not move to where old Dad is, that's what he wants, maybe see if there are opportunities there for you part time or full time if you can get a sitter to stay with him during work? That way you can be around for him but not 24/7.
The OP says there are no employment opportunities in his field where his parents live. Why does he need to move there? He offered to relocate his parents to where he lives. It's unfair of his father to refuse to move. If his father cared about FAMILY and all that family MEANS, he wouldn't be bullheaded and he'd make it easier for the OP to help them.
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