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@OP, good to hear you have a much better handle on the situation. Please keep us updated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 11thHour
So..what about those who never had kids? They have to make it work. Sounds like your dad is being completely unreasonable.
Some people just have their stuff better together than others. I certainly can't say I'm one of those people, but 'eh', one problem at a time.
There was a thread about the merits of not having kids, as well as the social norms of that. It was mentioned that by not having any kids, you save at least $250K this day in age. And that's before college. Surely that money can go a long way towards services.
I finally have a customized Durable POA and Health Care Surrogacy over my mom. $400 well spent on an elder law attorney. I haven't made any progress in convincing my father to move, but at least now that I have POA, I'm not as concerned about what kind of care my mom is receiving. The lawyer told me I have 100% access to all of their jointly owned accounts and assets to pay for her care.
One thing I can't get over is the crushing guilt. I love my mom so much, and I don't mind taking care of her, but I can't lose my job. My father frames it as I am choosing money over my parent, and although I know that logically that's not true, the guilt persists nevertheless. My mom is cognitive and tells me that she doesn't want me to sacrifice my life for her, but I see how she improves when I am there and withers when I am not, and the guilt I'm feeling is severe.
Thank you for the update, I've been thinking about you and praying for you. It sounds like you are really making progress and doing what needs to be done. Your father is trying to guilt you into doing what he wants you to do. Please don't buy into this. You are not choosing money over your parents. You are doing the best you can do in an extremely difficult situation and he isn't helping. Shame on him. He should be supporting you and applauding your efforts, but he's got tunnel vision and isn't considering your welfare. He just can't see things clearly right now. You and your mother know how much you love her and that's what's important. Your mother does not want you to sacrifice your life for her and she's told you that. Please find comfort in your love for your mother and know that you are a good daughter. (I'd want my daughter to do just what you are doing.) By living your life you are making your mother proud and assuring her that you will be able to go on without her, which is important for her to know. Take care and know people are pulling for you and care.
Those who have no family are out of luck. Some people are luckier, and some aren't. Those who have family members who behave AS IF they had no family, or AS IF family should not be there to help one another, are also out of luck.
In my family, we do our best to have one another's backs. We make the necessary sacrifices for one another, which is what family is about. I feel VERY sorry for people who have families who aren't like mine. It makes me shudder! Family is not just the neighbors down the street.
Furthermore, if parents were there for us, I believe that to neglect them in their hour of need, in exchange for what they did for us is simply wrong.
Furthermore, if parents were there for us, I believe that to neglect them in their hour of need, in exchange for what they did for us is simply wrong.
Forgive my bluntness, but this kind of judgmental statement is totally unhelpful. It's unhelpful because it says just enough to make people wonder if they ought to feel guilty for whatever they are/are not doing, but not enough to give any guidance as to what they should be doing (or even what you think they should be doing) in their particular circumstances. What is neglect, exactly? Is it failing to make even the slightest effort to help? Is it refusing to make the most monumental sacrifice in order to help? Is it somewhere in between? If so, where? What do you think is morally required in the OP's circumstances? If you'd state that clearly, at least the rest of us would be able to tell whether we agree with you or not. At least then we'd have something to argue about.
You stated in an earlier post that you were called back from overseas to help family, and you did it. Again, it's not clear what the relevance is to this discussion. Are you implying that the OP's sacrifice of a livelihood is minor compared to your having to return from overseas, and he should therefore be willing to do it? If not, what are you saying? Why bring that up? It just confuses the issue, and the last think the OP needs in his situation is more dust kicked up in the air.
Those who have no family are out of luck. Some people are luckier, and some aren't. Those who have family members who behave AS IF they had no family, or AS IF family should not be there to help one another, are also out of luck.
In my family, we do our best to have one another's backs. We make the necessary sacrifices for one another, which is what family is about. I feel VERY sorry for people who have families who aren't like mine. It makes me shudder! Family is not just the neighbors down the street.
Furthermore, if parents were there for us, I believe that to neglect them in their hour of need, in exchange for what they did for us is simply wrong.
Parents want the best for their children. Sacrificing OP's career and possibly putting her in a pretty dire financial situation for years to come is not what is best. OP is absolutely not neglecting mom and dad... did you read about all the things OP has taken care of?
I would think that given the circumstances, you might seek the power of attorney for your parents, and establish a family trust.
This puts you name on the finances and authority to make decisions for them seeing they are unable to make rational decisions them selves.
Your career can be postponed during this event, and in time, resumed if it actually has a future at all.
You can keep in touch with advancements while taking care of family too.
Families should be supporting one another, not abandoning one another.
I came to my parents rescue a number of times and found work again and even better jobs than before.
I am retired now and my parents are gone, and my children are in other states incapable of helping me in the least .
Not that I expect them too , I'm independent.
I visit nursing homes from time to time and few of these folk are even seen by their children ,
I think I'd rather wonder off in the woods, than be stuck in some place like that.
IMO
My mom was diagnosed with a stage III brain tumor in February. My father was my mom's primary caregiver, with me (age 26) splitting my time between my job 500 miles away and their home. Since February, my father has slowly collapsed emotionally and physically.
Things reached a breaking point this weekend. My father is hysterically demanding that I quit my job and move back here to take care of both of them. He is like a drowning man clutching at anyone to pull them under too. I was unemployed for a year after I graduated, and I have only been working for a year. If I quit now, I will irrevocably damage my career to be 24/7 caretaker for two people for an indeterminate period of time.
I offered that they move in with me where I work, but he refuses to move down there. Some people might say, "this is your parents' problem", but I am afraid if I leave, my father will not be able to take care of my mom, or worse, withhold care to keep me hostage. I love my mom more than anyone, and I don't want to abandon her. She is willing to come with me, but then I will have to pay for home care 10-12 hours a day because she can't be left unsupervised. I am afraid my father will wipe out the joint accounts and leave me nothing for her care.
What am I supposed to do? I am about to have a nervous breakdown.
You can't quit your job and your father, when not in an acutely bereaved state, will recognize that.
Your career can be postponed during this event, and in time, resumed if it actually has a future at all.
You can keep in touch with advancements while taking care of family too.
Families should be supporting one another, not abandoning one another.
I came to my parents rescue a number of times and found work again and even better jobs than before.
So now we've gone from accusations of neglect to accusations of abandonment. Oy vey!!!
You grew up in a different time, as I did. When I was younger, it was easy to bounce from job to job. There was always something else out there. It's not like that now. Many people cannot find jobs in their field of study; many finish their degrees loaded down with debt and end up unemployed for long periods or working minimum wage jobs where their degree is useless. I think the OP probably knows a lot more about the prospects of finding a new job in his profession than you do.
As far as keeping up with advancements - that may be possible, to some extent. Whether that will impress a new employer is a different question. Generally they want experience, hands-on recent experience. Not hearing what you've read about in academic journals or scholarly publications. I wouldn't advise anyone to quit a job in this economy, not one that they've worked hard to get into. I wouldn't accuse him of "abandoning" his parents after all he's done and is continuing to do for them, either.
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