Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So this is my first post and kind of at wits end, like many before me I can imagine, but here goes nothing-
I have two parents around 60 & 70 years old and I am fresh out of college at age 20, all 3 of us living with our elderly 85 yo grandmother. We have been caring for her since her husband passed for about 5 years and we need a break like nothing else. Im looking for any advice thats affordable and could at the very least let my family have a week long vacation. We'd go for a volunteer of some sort but my family is very uneasy about a stranger coming into the house. Im also looking for advice for myself considering I will be in the same boat caring for my parents in the near future though they seem more open to at least some senior care-especially problematic if I need to move to my a future job.
Here are the main problems:
-Grandmother believes going to a home will kill her or that she would kill herself if she didnt have us (she cites this incessantly and it takes a clear toll on my mother/her daughter). Understandable considering that apparently similar things have happened to my grandmothers parents when they went to homes.
-Huge guilt factor for mother, im talking her father on his deathbed "take care of your mother, dont put her in a home" guilt.
-Funds are a bit low, we looked into an in-home caregiver, even temporary and cost was $500+ a day
-No family to help/ closest relatives are unable to emotionally deal with grandma/ treats her too childlike
-Neighbors are unable to help/ parents don't have any friends that would be willing
-grandmother has moderate dementia, she often acts akin to a child constantly asking questions, waking people up because she's bored, and has to do by herself. In many ways she can't be trusted to be by herself because of this especially when she gets sick and there's a change to her meds. That all being said she's still very outgoing and fairly personable at home.
As you can see my parents and I are very strapped for ideas. I've done a lot of web surfing but Im hoping a forum could give me something more. They want to enjoy retirement without the guilt and worry of leaving my grandmother behind and I want that for them like nothing else. Also if you have any advice for me, the grandson, dealing with my grandmother and future care for my parents, let me know. If it helps any we live in WA and have room for an in-home caregiver.
First, call your area (county?) department of Aging Services and see if there are any free/sliding scale services that would meet your family's needs or at least take some of the burden off. I think the most useful thing in your situation would be to bring in a geriatric care manager who could consult with your family for a few hundred dollars and help you navigate your grandma's eligibility for services as well as the local options.
I think your grandma needs to be in a facility or will soon need one, if not right now. The issue is finding the right facility and getting her to accept it. If you can get the names of one or two facilities that your family would find acceptable, your family should go and visit them and talk to them (maybe without grandma at first). I'm told (I don't know from experience) that the managers at the facilities have tons of experience dealing with unwilling/recalcitrant residents and that they will take it from here, persuade your grandma to give it a try and help her settle in.
In terms of your own situation with your parents, I don't think there's any way to predict, especially knowing so little about their financial circumstances and their current health. The best general advices is: try to save as much money in your adult life as you can. If you don't need it during your parents' old age, you'll need it during your own. If at all possible, don't let your parents deplete whatever assets they have taking care of your grandmother or keeping her out of a facility. Their financial deficits may come back to haunt you, most likely when you can least afford it.
First, call your area (county?) department of Aging Services and see if there are any free/sliding scale services that would meet your family's needs or at least take some of the burden off. I think the most useful thing in your situation would be to bring in a geriatric care manager who could consult with your family for a few hundred dollars and help you navigate your grandma's eligibility for services as well as the local options.
I think your grandma needs to be in a facility or will soon need one, if not right now. The issue is finding the right facility and getting her to accept it. If you can get the names of one or two facilities that yourfamily would find acceptable, your family should go and visit them and talk to them (maybe without grandma at first). I'm told (I don't know from experience) that the managers at the facilities have tons of experience dealing with unwilling/recalcitrant residents and that they will take it from here, persuade your grandma to give it a try and help her settle in.
In terms of your own situation with your parents, I don't think there's any way to predict, especially knowing so little about their financial circumstances and their current health. The best general advices is: try to save as much money in your adult life as you can. If you don't need it during your parents' old age, you'll need it during your own. If at all possible, don't let your parents deplete whatever assets they have taking care of your grandmother or keeping her out of a facility. Their financial deficits may come back to haunt you, most likely when you can least afford it
.
Excellent suggestions.
Please heed the suggestion in the last paragraph. If your parents use all of their retirement savings on grandma what will happen to them in a few years? You will just be starting out in your career, possibly with a spouse and young children, and it could be extremely difficult for you to support them if they have already spend their entire retirement savings helping grandma. Just something else for everyone to consider.
I also agree that your parents (and possibly you) should visit some "homes" to see for yourselves, most are not the horrible places that people imagine. Some are more like five star hotels, some are designed to be like a family home, and many are bright, clean and happy places.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-29-2014 at 07:05 AM..
I hate to say it but money is a factor.....
Does your grandmother have any?...because if she does, she could have too much -- trust me it does'st TAKE MUCH -- to be ineligible for free or even sliding scale help.
That said, if the immediate need is a mental health break/time away.... how much DOES she -- do you all -- have to pay some one to watch her? How long of a break do you want? You said AT THE VERY LEAST A WEEK LONG VACATION? uhmmmm..
You mean out of town, hours/days travel time away? Or a week where you don't really go anywhere you just have a break from watching her?
Advice:
-- Get the financials in order. Every agency you turn to for state help will need her income and asset numbers. Period.
-- Does someone already have a Power of Attorney for her.
Please read other threads.... one entitled, "My father is demanding I quit my job to take care of him and my mom" may be of help (start at the beginning of the thread and read through) The person who started that thread is also in his/her 20s.
As for getting someone to watch her...IF, there's no church/synagogue member, no family friend, no relative, no neighbor, no young adult child of a family friend...NO one, Either you all have to take turns -- and take breaks separately with one person staying with her ...OR PAY someone. And how much you can pay -- for how long...is determined by how much you have. You can pay an agency for just a couple of days the aide would come to your house. MAYBE there are nursing homes or senior day care centers that have a respite care department. (where she'd stay THERE for just a couple of days) I personally have never needed to look into that, but you can ask.
Definitely DO contact the county office of aging, senior care services, whatever it's called where you are. That at least is a starting point. Go to their website, also.
Here are the main problems:
-Grandmother believes going to a home will kill her or that she would kill herself if she didnt have us (she cites this incessantly and it takes a clear toll on my mother/her daughter). Understandable considering that apparently similar things have happened to my grandmothers parents when they went to homes.
The parent of a friend of mine also played the guilt card. But, when it was discussed in detail the reason that the grandparents died when they went into a nursing home was not because the "being in a nursing home killed them" but because they were so incredibly ill and near death with very severe medical issues when they first entered the nursing home. Being in a nursing home with expert care probably even extended their lives compared to being cared for at home.
It would be like saying "I will never go into a hospital after a heart attack or stroke because people die in hospitals" or "I will never call an ambulance after a severe car accident because people die in ambulances". It is not a cause and effect.
Perhaps, if your mom discovered more about why & in what condition her mother's parents were when they entered a nursing home it may help her understand why her mother is saying those things to her and possible help your grandma understand that the nursing home "did not kill them".
Great suggestions all around thank you! @wannagonorth I was thinking about finding someone to take stock of our situation but hadnt heard of a department of Aging Services.
My parents spending too much on my grandmother before their own retirement shouldn't be a problem but it is something to keep in mind. She has enough money herself/ husband was a veteran but I have a feeling it would set her right at intelligibility for some things. @rdflk As for a vacation I meant just getting out of town or rather a time without worry where my parents could enjoy retirement, im not talking a luxury resort but being away from home and grandma to refresh mentally, 24/7 for 5 years grinds on your psyche. The problem is the cheapest temporary in home care my family could find (before these postings) was $500 a day-likely due to the advertising purse strings of the company that it was based in but I digress.
@germaine2626 I definetly understand that the reasons of not wanting to go to a home can be talked through and her experience is likely not cause and effect but she has unfortunately passed this mentality onto my mother. Its severe enough to where Im not sure even counseling by another party would convince them to take a look into a home. I think that may be the biggest hurdle because they refuse to acknowledge the possibility of a home even on a daily or weekly basis.
@germaine2626 I definetly understand that the reasons of not wanting to go to a home can be talked through and her experience is likely not cause and effect but she has unfortunately passed this mentality onto my mother. Its severe enough to where Im not sure even counseling by another party would convince them to take a look into a home. I think that may be the biggest hurdle because they refuse to acknowledge the possibility of a home even on a daily or weekly basis.
Rocky, here's an article I found recently that might help you get started on the nursing home idea. Another recommendation for you going down the line: Follow the New Old Age blog in the New York Times. It has tons of useful topics on everything you can think of relating to elder care, and you can search the archives for topics of special interest. There are lots of useful/interesting reader comments too, to make you realize you're not alone in any of this and let you see how other folks have managed and what decisions they've made. It's been a godsend for me.
If you're still perusing this site, Rocky, contact your local Area Agency on Aging. They can be found in a phone book or online and will have a directory of all senior services available in and around where you live. It makes for great, one-stop shopping. It will also be worthwhile to drop by the nearest senior center which will also have local referrals. You can also check to see if there is a Seniors Helping Seniors network available where you are.
Best of luck. Respite is a necessary component of senior care.
Great suggestions all around thank you! @wannagonorth I was thinking about finding someone to take stock of our situation but hadnt heard of a department of Aging Services.
My parents spending too much on my grandmother before their own retirement shouldn't be a problem but it is something to keep in mind. She has enough money herself/ husband was a veteran but I have a feeling it would set her right at intelligibility for some things. @rdflk As for a vacation I meant just getting out of town or rather a time without worry where my parents could enjoy retirement, im not talking a luxury resort but being away from home and grandma to refresh mentally, 24/7 for 5 years grinds on your psyche. The problem is the cheapest temporary in home care my family could find (before these postings) was $500 a day-likely due to the advertising purse strings of the company that it was based in but I digress.
@germaine2626 I definetly understand that the reasons of not wanting to go to a home can be talked through and her experience is likely not cause and effect but she has unfortunately passed this mentality onto my mother. Its severe enough to where Im not sure even counseling by another party would convince them to take a look into a home. I think that may be the biggest hurdle because they refuse to acknowledge the possibility of a home even on a daily or weekly basis.
I wouldn't write off the relatives offering help. It may just be that they're taking longer to adjust since they're not around her all the time. You might have one of you staying in the background when they come over until they get adjusted.
The other thing I would suggest is having someone be the prime caregiver and letting the others take time off every day or every week. Set up a schedule to rotate responsibilities or tasks. Find a way to let your grandmother be off by herself without constant attention or supervision.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
