Nursing Home is a generic old school term.
Actually "nursing home" implies Skilled Nursing Care" when someone has a stroke or at the end of life or something and needs medical support outside of 5 activites of daily life which is what is evaluated for going to an Assisted Living Facility. ALF. Then there's Memory Care - the last stop for memory disorders and usually in lockdown and very severe needs. Normally you want to keep them out of there until the last possible moment.
She may actually be HAPPIER in Assisted Living because there is a sense of community, routine and trust. My client lives in an excellent community with a nurse on duty 24/7 who administers the meds round the clock, and two professional CNAs on duty.
They get to know the people and have skills and techniques to assuage their anxiety and chart everything for the doctors which the client has to go outside for - none on staff. They provide transport and someone to accompany them as needed for a fee.
These things are NOT unusual for the staff. In fact she sounds very like my client who has a dual diagnosis of Anxiety and Dementia.
And the residents all vary from very sharp mentally or physical problems or temporary rehab or permanent living or various levels of dementia etc. For example. someone moved in because she developed slow moving blindness and she's the one we all go to for her social skills with "new" people or whatever. Sharp as a tack and never forgets a name. The most ACTIVE resident is 100 years old. There are activities and even cocktail hour before dinner even serving fake wine if necessary. Some are small like 22 beds some are larger it varies.
IF she can afford it, it's a great option and will fill the void of her husband somewhat.
STOP telling her her fears are groundless. They are NOT. She is anxious which makes her fearful and that's the end of the story. You may have better luck with asking gentle questions that lead her to a calm but it will be short lived, IMO.
LISTEN MORE, speak less, IMO. You're ramping her up arguing with her. Redirect her and respect that she has nothing to occupy her mind now.
She needs a PROFESSIONAL PSYCHIATRIC evaluation, DIAGNOSIS, and treatment not some PCP throwing Xanax at her. She may have a certain FIXATION that goes with dementia and you have no idea and there are meds for that. Or techniques. But being FIXATED on MEDS is interesting.
I also suggest you buy Contented Dementia available on Amazon, to learn how to speak with her and facilitate things, even if you think she doesn't have dementia.
ALSO DRINKING ENOUGH WATER AND STAYING HYDRATED IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO.
Dehydration is super common (often leading to a UTI) and makes the mind function poorly including appearing delusional, fearful, confused or combative or FALLING etc. Also can cause physical pain which the person cannot convey. A dog walker I know got dehydrated one day and her legs froze up and she was on the ground in several types of pain and she's very ACTIVE (duh, dog walker)
USUALLY when they are ANXIOUS with dehydration or a UTI it's because the brain is "telling them" they're unstable and then they FALL. My client can always predict her UTI even though she doesn't know she'd doing it because she gets fearful "I may need someone here tonight because I feel like I'm going to fall" and she NEVER WANTS ANYONE there normally, she's very "loner". Then they come and she gets mad LOL.
When she's "normal" she walks hunched over (for no reason) and when she's got a UTI and get rowdy she walks perfectly straight and strong then falls...she also walks perfectly straight all the way up the hall to the kitchen when nobody will bring her a COKE - on a MISSION! LOL
My client never falls unless she has a UTI and it's like CLOCKWORK. And while she's often "difficult", she never gets a certain type of "mean" unless it's a UTI - clockwork.
No coffee, tea, soda just WATER if possible.
Obviously someone with life long psychiatric issues is going to be more challenging in senior years and YES after a LOSS the conditions escalate in fact, that's usually when there's a crisis.
If she can't afford an ALF then bring in a PROFESSIONAL caregiver especially to administer her meds and stay out of it when she's there. Too many people in the room and all talking causes more anxiety and confusion.
Let them build a trust relationship if you can find someone capable and if you can get her to somehow accept it. Like it's a "friend" stopping by. Preferably someone older. Easier said than done, though. Sometimes you have to involve the "order" from "the doctor" for them to agree to it. It's not a LIE per se if you are involving her doctor. So many people make mistakes because they refuse to "lie" when the patient is LYING THEMSELVES LOL. All you're REALLY doing is joining her in her [lying] reality which is actually in her best interest and letting go of your OWN ego.
"My husband is picking me up and I'm going home". ANSWER: "OK I'll look for him and send him down to your room."
Do YOU LIVE THERE? Is she doing her HYGIENE with no problems? Just for starters? Cooking without problems? Able to work the TV remote etc? Does she know who the President is?
She may not be "cooking" because she can't operate the fridge, or stove or whatnot. They are very good at HIDING those things with DEMENTIA.
She needs a diagnosis.
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