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No one - parents or kids - should voluntarily move far away from family with the expectation that family will make the extra effort to come see THEM on a regular basis. It's just not a fair position in my opinion.
Bingo! I think it's also risky for elderly parents to move to bed close to the child(ren) and grandchild(ren). Gone are the days when people stayed with the same employer in the same place for 30+ years. Ours has become a very mobile society. Moving close to the youngsters may just set you up to be "abandoned" in a couple of years as they pack up and leave for better opportunities. Moving to be close to fragile or ailing, elderly parents is a whole other issue.
Back to spousal caregiving; that's a somewhat simpler issue as you can, if retired, live pretty much anywhere and everywhere provided appropriate health facilities and medical supports are available. It's for the above reasons that I've always been a proponent of living were you really wish to be. In our case, on those good days when my wife can go for a car ride, nothing gives her more pleasure than for us to take off, go places we've not been yet and get "lost" in new sets of hills 'n hollers of the Ozarks. I love it too. It's very therapeutic for both of us.
Great posts, y'all. My heart goes out to those with big drama in the family.
I'm not really the caregiver, per se, he needs help tying his shoes every once in awhile.
I do have to pick up the slack and do his chores. He stopped mowing years ago and I'm fine with it, I like the excersize. But I also realize each year it's not getting easier.
Taking care of the two horses is about twenty minutes in the morning. No big deal in good weather. A bit more hassle in three feet of snow.
Since his injury we have come to realize that aging in place here without signifigant help and remodeling is not happening. God/dess bless my mother who wants to move us south. For years he said he could never live there, he's pretty much on board with it now. Last winter helped.
No one - parents or kids - should voluntarily move far away from family with the expectation that family will make the extra effort to come see THEM on a regular basis. It's just not a fair position in my opinion.
Or even worse, to move away with the expectation that family members will then move their own residences to help them when they get older and need help. I have spent the last 3 1/2 years living in the hot, muggy, buggy, south, where my mother moved after she retired some 25 years ago. I came here knowing I wouldn't like it, but I wrongly believed that my mother's life expectancy was only a few years at the time, and I also hoped/expected that I'd be able to escape back north at least for the summers. That hasn't happened, as there's no back-up plan for my absence, despite my best efforts to put one in place. At this point I've pretty much reached my limit on living here, but my mother is still kicking, needs more help than ever and there's still no back-up plan in place.
The crazy thing is, I owned a house up north that I modified at great expense to make it suitable for my mother to live with me. First floor bed and bath, ramped access, extra wide doorways, etc. My mother stayed for a few weeks one summer but made clear she'd never live there. She went back to Florida and, within a few years, I sold out and followed her, because she really couldn't manage on her own. Kicking myself now, that's for sure.
Back to spousal caregiving; that's a somewhat simpler issue as you can, if retired, live pretty much anywhere and everywhere provided appropriate health facilities and medical supports are available. It's for the above reasons that I've always been a proponent of living were you really wish to be. In our case, on those good days when my wife can go for a car ride, nothing gives her more pleasure than for us to take off, go places we've not been yet and get "lost" in new sets of hills 'n hollers of the Ozarks. I love it too. It's very therapeutic for both of us.
Do you think you can continue to live rural with increasing age and disability? Will there be adequate services? Driving long distances to doctors may become very difficult.
I ask this because I live rural and don't see it as viable much longer.
Do you think you can continue to live rural with increasing age and disability? Will there be adequate services? Driving long distances to doctors may become very difficult.
I ask this because I live rural and don't see it as viable much longer.
As long as I can drive we'll be OK. The hospital and our doctors are 22.5 miles from here. Being the Ozarks it's twisty-turny, uppy-downy two lane country roads, but they are paved - well, most of them . Should an emergency occur when we have snow and/or ice, our little lakeside community does have a lighted helipad with windsock and wire alert balls and we pay for medevac insurance in case we ever need it. Better safe than sorry and it's only about $65 a year.
All that being said, we acknowledge that one day we may have to sell our home, move closer to "civilization," downsize and probably rent a single story something that won't require us to do maintenance and yard care. We'll also have to be someplace that offers public transportation just in case. The closest real city is 56 to 65 miles from here depending on how adventuresome you are.
Speaking just for myself, should my wife assume room temperature before I do that would be my plan for myself. But both of us would stay in or near the Ozarks hands-down! It took us a long time for me to get here (fell in love with the area in the 50s) and for my wife to get back here (farmed here in the 70s). We ain't budgin'.
As long as I can drive we'll be OK. The hospital and our doctors are 22.5 miles from here. Being the Ozarks it's twisty-turny, uppy-downy two lane country roads, but they are paved - well, most of them . Should an emergency occur when we have snow and/or ice, our little lakeside community does have a lighted helipad with windsock and wire alert balls and we pay for medevac insurance in case we ever need it. Better safe than sorry and it's only about $65 a year.
All that being said, we acknowledge that one day we may have to sell our home, move closer to "civilization," downsize and probably rent a single story something that won't require us to do maintenance and yard care. We'll also have to be someplace that offers public transportation just in case. The closest real city is 56 to 65 miles from here depending on how adventuresome you are.
Speaking just for myself, should my wife assume room temperature before I do that would be my plan for myself. But both of us would stay in or near the Ozarks hands-down! It took us a long time for me to get here (fell in love with the area in the 50s) and for my wife to get back here (farmed here in the 70s). We ain't budgin'.
The MedEvac insurance is an EXCELLENT idea. That is what folks do in western NC. Several have mentioned it to me (the insurance for that reasonable price) and I am looking into it just in case hubby needs it when we are in the mountains. This is a very good plan.
I also have located two sources for us for medical transport, via van, to doctor's appointments, a service through the local county, in both the county we are moving to (where our retirement townhouse is located) and in the county where our mountain house is located. Is there such a service in your county? You can make a reservation for transportation on x day at x time, and they have a wheelchair lift and assistants to help the person in and out of the van.
There is bus service and a bus stop in the town where we are moving. The bus stop is across the street from the entrance to our townhouse complex. There are sidewalks, too (which is not common throughout much of the south - even in town). My husband laughed when I said it was important to find a place that had a bus stop nearby and I thought - HA! You may laugh now, but that bus line could be key to (1) providing transportation for folks who caretake and (2) providing transportation if either or both of us cannot drive at some point. I have checked out the route and it goes to areas with grocery stores, pharmacy, etc.
I also made sure that there is a grocery store that will deliver nearby. It is less than 1/2 mile from the townhouse. In the mountains, I have a grocery store that will let me send the list via internet and for $5 charge, I can simply pull up to the grocery store and they will come out and load up the groceries.
I have located a pharmacy that will deliver but unfortunately, it is privately owned and all my hubby's meds are with CVS. However, that could still be helpful for over-the-counter meds, or if a local doctor prescribes Tamiflu and we need it delivered, for ex. The local CVS does have a drive-through.
We got an account set up with the medical devices service that delivers everything and picks it up at our house (in both locations - mountains and townhouse).
If you can set up some services such as this, it could help.
Also, if there is a senior center anywhere within 20 miles or so, it may be they have services available (such as folks who do transportation and are insured for that sort of thing). Services vary so much by region.
There are millions of Americans in rural areas and not all of them are healthy and many are over 65. Creating a support system is daunting when one cannot rely on relatives, but it isn't impossible. You two are where you want to be . . . I hope you can find ways to support staying there as long as you wish.
Thanks, Ani. Great information for those who aren't aware of the services and referrals available from Area Agencies on Aging and senior centers. My wife and I met while doing political and legislative analysis and lobbying for a state department of aging and she later promoted over to the state commission on aging and I eventually changed venue and policy area.
Unfortunately, this is a very poor state and the bulk of available services are provided by churches, communities and, to a lesser extent, counties out here in the Ozark hill country and given their limitations they do an admirable job.. Most towns and villages don't have senior centers. There are other services for cost by such outfits as Seniors Helping Seniors and medical groups do provide homecare benefits.
Grocery delivery not available nor pharmacy delivery as far out of town as we are. It was decidedly a calculated risk to move here in retirement and now we're paying the price but we do love it here and will hang-in as long as possible.
As long as I can drive we'll be OK. The hospital and our doctors are 22.5 miles from here. Being the Ozarks it's twisty-turny, uppy-downy two lane country roads, but they are paved - well, most of them . Should an emergency occur when we have snow and/or ice, our little lakeside community does have a lighted helipad with windsock and wire alert balls and we pay for medevac insurance in case we ever need it. Better safe than sorry and it's only about $65 a year.
All that being said, we acknowledge that one day we may have to sell our home, move closer to "civilization," downsize and probably rent a single story something that won't require us to do maintenance and yard care. We'll also have to be someplace that offers public transportation just in case. The closest real city is 56 to 65 miles from here depending on how adventuresome you are.
Speaking just for myself, should my wife assume room temperature before I do that would be my plan for myself. But both of us would stay in or near the Ozarks hands-down! It took us a long time for me to get here (fell in love with the area in the 50s) and for my wife to get back here (farmed here in the 70s). We ain't budgin'.
But what happens if you just suddenly can not drive? See, that is the problem with staying somewhere that is very inconvenient, when only one of you can drive. That's the issue that my inlaws are dealing with right now. That's also the reason why my parents are leaving the Ozark Mountains and moving to be close to me. My mother cannot drive and my father realizes that when he needs help there's no one to help him nearby.
It was decidedly a calculated risk to move here in retirement and now we're paying the price but we do love it here and will hang-in as long as possible.
Understandable. I'm struck though at how much it seems to be at odds with your OP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
One thing we've always agreed upon is that at no time will we burden our children with our care. That leaves the two of us.
So for those of you who do take care of the needs of elderly parents, what are your plans when you become them and has the experience changed them or at least caused you to think about them. Like it or not it could very well happen.
That was imo an awesome post, which inspired DH and I to ramp up and solidify our future plans. We too love our current home, have been waking up for 21+ years now and pinching ourselves that we get to live in such a beautiful, natural setting. Unlike yours, it has no drawbacks in terms of access to medical care and convenient necessary shopping. [Just wrote and deleted a long paragraph on why it won't be suitable for long term]. Suffice to say, there are more suitable options for the long term.
We've identified a "trigger" for when to sell the house and relocate to a rental property in another city. We've also identified a trigger for when to move into a continuing-care center in that same city. We've decided to be proactive in our planning, to research suitable rentals and CCC's, to take charge, and not just wait for the inevitable health tsunami. It's hard to make decisions when facing those.
Your 'hanging-in' post sounds more like someone who could end up being pulled out while kicking and screaming. Just hanging in is not a good plan. That's *exactly* what so many of our parents have done, and contrary to the spirit of your first post.
This is a great discussion.
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I think it's also risky for elderly parents to move to bed close to the child(ren) and grandchild(ren). Gone are the days when people stayed with the same employer in the same place for 30+ years. Ours has become a very mobile society. Moving close to the youngsters may just set you up to be "abandoned" in a couple of years as they pack up and leave for better opportunities. Moving to be close to fragile or ailing, elderly parents is a whole other issue.
. Should an emergency occur when we have snow and/or ice, our little lakeside community does have a lighted helipad with windsock and wire alert balls and we pay for medevac insurance in case we ever need it. Better safe than sorry and it's only about $65 a year.
