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Old 09-02-2014, 09:19 AM
 
2,776 posts, read 3,578,283 times
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Of course I would. Money, housing, time, really whatever they need. They're moving to be closer (and for lower cost of living) to us so I can help out. We live several states apart and I'm an only child so they're looking to sell their house anyway, plus they'd see the grandkids more than twice a year..

However if it comes to needing specialized care we are in agreement that a nearby nursing home is the best option.

And yes I and my children will visit.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:13 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,720,562 times
Reputation: 28029
Some people have an idealized view of caring for their elderly parents. That's fine. I used to have the same view, be determined to do the right thing, and so on.

And reality hits when you haven't slept in days because you're spending your nights trying to prevent your schizophrenic father (who also has dementia) from peeing randomly all over the house, wandering away in the night, and from molesting your 12 year old because he doesn't recognize her since she's gone through puberty, and when you're bleeding out slowly over the course of a couple weeks but you can't go to the doctor because you don't have anyone to watch your father and you just know he'll take off out of the building and go play in traffic the minute your feet hit the stirrups. Then you finally get a sibling to come to town long enough for you to go to the doctor, you end up in the emergency room getting transfusions, and you realize that it's just impossible for you to care for your elderly parent, your young children, and yourself.

That's what happened to me anyhow. And I came to the realization that my parents delayed having kids so they'd have a long time to enjoy themselves and that left me trying to raise my children and care for my parents at the same time, but without using any of the resources they'd stockpiled for their old age and without the authority to make any decisions about their care. Basically, my parents want an unpaid servant to work herself to death so they don't have to spend any money on home health care or an assisted living facility. And I had to opt out of the whole thing...I'm only in my 30's and my kids are still at the age where they very much need a mother. I told my parents I absolutely will not take care of them in an emergency. It sounds horrible, but they need to make a plan for my dad's care if my mother is incapacitated again, and that plan is not going to be me again. I told my sister (who my mom put on all their legal paperwork, and who could have hired help for my dad but didn't want to waste any of her future inheritance on it) that she'd better make sure that my mom makes a plan, because I can't do it again. My mother has called me since then to tell me she's going to the emergency room and that I need to hurry up and come "rescue" them. I told her to call someone else.

And if that makes me a selfish American, so be it.
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:33 AM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,612 posts, read 10,693,906 times
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HHMom, that's not horrible, it's reality. No one should risk injury, sickness or near death. And no parent should expect it.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:35 PM
 
Location: In my mind
288 posts, read 203,223 times
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My 4 siblings felt the same way many of the posters here seem to feel; so when my mother was no longer able to live on her own, they called me to tell me they were putting her in a home. I called my mother @ the hospital that evening to talk to her, she cried because she didn't want to die alone in a home. I made the decision to move her to live with me. I found an apartment that was set up for disabled people, I bought a hospital bed, and called my family. They all live in my home town where my mom lived and agreed to move her over here (I live in another state). I won't pretend it was easy, sometimes she didn't know who I was, I hired someone to stay with her while I worked, I had to learn how to do IV's, gastronomical feeding, blood pressure, etc. I did it because I loved her, and she had never left me when I was growing
up. She lived with me for a little over 4 years, I will never regret my decision, but I know for a fact my siblings feel guilty. I still miss her I sometimes I sing the songs she asked me to sing for her but I rarely
make it all the way through before I burst into tears. There is NO price that could be put on those last 4 years.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Not where you ever lived
11,535 posts, read 30,104,201 times
Reputation: 6422
I cared for my parents because I loved them not because I was obligated. I wanted them to have the best possible end of life care I could give. It is the most difficult, most stressful, non-paying 24/7 job you will ever have, and you won't even get a thank you or a tax credit. It is not a job for the weak, the lazy, the selfish, the un-caring, or for the feint of heart. You either buckle up for the ride, or get out of the way and pay others to do it for them.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:14 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,093,118 times
Reputation: 22750
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka View Post
We cared for my momma until she died this morning at 86 yrs of age....we considered it a privilege, NEVER an obligation.
Bless you and your family for the good care you gave your mother. I am so sorry to hear she died today. My condolences to you.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:54 PM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,855,605 times
Reputation: 33164
Quote:
Originally Posted by muzic072014 View Post
I know in Asian culture its a must as a honor to the family to take care of the elderly, as you see no Asian people homeless,
, but in American culture seems like children put their parents to Nursing home, and they themself will end up in nursing homes and the cycle continues.

I am not asian nor american but yes i do feel obligated because they raised me.
My father is from India, and I am the oldest child, one of four daughters. However, he has never been very present in my life and has favored my younger sisters over me, probably because they have an Indian mother, and I have a Caucasian mother, his ex-wife. Thus, I feel no obligation to care for him, since he hasn't cared for me as a father. Simply being Asian doesn't mean we all have the same attitude.
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:45 PM
 
548 posts, read 1,032,861 times
Reputation: 969
Absolutely! I took care of my mom and my stepdad for 6 months this year. I knew when my mom was diagnosed with cancer that I would take a leave of absence from work and take care of her. I didn't expect to care for my step dad but my mom died before him and he needed me. I can only hope my children are willing to care for us when we can't but I did tell then if they have to put us in a nursing home to please make it one close to them so they can visit often since people who have regular visitors seem to get better care.

I will probably take time off to care for my in-laws when the time comes.
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:02 PM
 
Location: sumter
12,931 posts, read 9,538,968 times
Reputation: 10407
Quote:
Originally Posted by linicx View Post
I cared for my parents because I loved them not because I was obligated. I wanted them to have the best possible end of life care I could give. It is the most difficult, most stressful, non-paying 24/7 job you will ever have, and you won't even get a thank you or a tax credit. It is not a job for the weak, the lazy, the selfish, the un-caring, or for the feint of heart. You either buckle up for the ride, or get out of the way and pay others to do it for them.
absolutely
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Seattle Area
1,716 posts, read 2,023,986 times
Reputation: 4146
Nope, not in the least. The only thing I would help them do is to find a way to end there life when its time to go into a home.
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