Caregiving is ruining me financially- also questions about abusive behavior

[MaseMan]

PJJC, it's good to hear your vacation went well and the family didn't implode with you gone for a week. Sounds like you are making some good steps. Hope it keeps moving toward a good outcome for you.

[lchoro]

Along with the advice to try a career in vet tech, I would also recommend looking into becoming a CNA or home aide, both of which require minimal time and training to get into as well as utilize your prior experience. I think working with different people will give you a better perspective on how much help you can provide to people. Since you can't be there 24/7, you'll see how people can get along without you. There are limitations. Some people resist change. Some people don't have family or sufficient finances. Some people will try to manipulate you. In some cases, you may just be doing it to yourself by portraying yourself as indispensable as a way of building self-esteem. Your mother may have caught on to this and has used it to her advantage.

[silibran]

Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat

As I rather suspected would happen, her behavior was very different toward him. She was still forgetful and did some strange things. For example, she decided at 2am to change all of the kitty litter boxes, and on Halloween she accosted children in the middle of the street instead of letting them come to the door (and I suspect worried a few parents.) She complained about being in pain, but she was not aggressive toward him and she didn't follow him around the entire day.

Even so, he found it very difficult to be around her, which was amusing to me because he's seeing maybe a 10th of it.

As soon as I walked in the front door, she went into what I can only describe as a very dramatic 'I'm sick' performance. Barely hobbling, collapsing on the couch, and telling me she had been vomiting for the past few days (which my father confirmed was a complete fabrication.)

So while that week may not have changed my father's outlook, it did help to confirm my feeling that whatever my intentions, I'm enabling whatever drives her to play sick. Which is rather strange, because it's not like I'm overly sympathetic when she does this...I don't coddle or pamper her, and typically I just tell her to call the doctor and walk away. I really do my best not to play into it. Tonight I just directly told her she had not been vomiting and that she was making me wish I hadn't come home. Weirdly, she brightened up after that and stopped with the melodrama.

So while I don't understand what exactly I'm doing that is contributing to this need of hers, clearly I'm doing SOMETHING. My father has had many occasions where he saw her walking around just fine and then start hobbling when he walked into the room, so she does do it to other people, just nearly to the same extent. And clearly that strange aggression/arguing every detail of everything/refusing to trust/being incredibly dependent thing is reserved for me.

Which basically all tells me that my presence here may well be doing more harm than good. I don't know if she would just switch targets if I was gone, but I'm not achieving anything as far as her physical or mental health. And if I'm not achieving anything, none of this is worthwhile.

I did start working on my resume while I was away- I haven't updated it in almost 10 years, so there's a lot of stuff to add.

Step by step. You go girl!

[Jukesgrrl]

Originally Posted by MaseMan

PJJC, it's good to hear your vacation went well and the family didn't implode with you gone for a week. Sounds like you are making some good steps. Hope it keeps moving toward a good outcome for you.

THAT ^^^. Keep up the progress!