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The first thing you absolutely have to do is find a job.
You are saying that's why you can't leave, and its clear you have to be able to leave (for your eventual sanity) - therefore you need a job.
If your mother can clean and feed herself, you don't need to be home with her. That would be the standard a doctor would use to evaluate ADL (activities of daily living). If she needs housekeeper help, you can offer some assistance with that (if you choose to) after you job while you still live there (while you are saving for your move).
If she makes poor medical decisions, but you can't make her make better ones - you're not helping in that respect.
It seems that your mother has become used to you being around all the time, and so you've all developed a co-dependency. You believe you have to be there, she believes you'll always be there, and your father has checked out.
Get a job. Ironically, since you've been acting as a caregiver, you could likely get a caregiver job pretty quickly (as you know - they're thankless and don't pay much, but it would be a quick way to reenter the work world).
As far as your mother's long term care - technically its your dad's problem (since he's around and not disabled himself). From a financial perspective, likely she should have been on disability years ago - which would have at least provided some income to pay for her care. Its possible she'd qualify for Medicaid, but unlikely with your father working. If she's 62, she could claim SS (at a reduced amount) if she has enough credits to qualify.
Which is to say, their finances are a mess, and they should have handled things differently, but that's not your fault.
As for the cat - I understand. Your life is currently a wreck, you can help the cat live longer (she brings you happiness), your life isn't going to be exponentially worse for having helped the cat (when you're already insolvent, another $2K of insolvency doesn't exactly sound bad) - and you'll feel better.
Help the damn cat.
You said you're (by training?) a vet tech? As you're working in whatever job you can get immediately (and I mean immediately) - start following up with vet clinics to find out who's got an opening. That's a decent job (pays relatively well), you clearly love animals... There's no reason for you to be destroying you life in penury when you could be working for a vet and getting back on track and MOVING OUT!
Find a job as a vet tech. Even if it's part-time work, you'll be gaining some income and experience, and your mother will be fine.
As soon as you find full-time work, get the heck out of that house. Please. One thing that worries me is that you said your mom often refuses to eat; given your description of her behavioral state, I wouldn't put it past her to turn that against you, as her primary caregiver. You need to leave the house, ASAP.
You've done your time, and time will help you forgive yourself if you can't immediately. Whatever supreme power you believe in will forgive you as well.
Take care of the cats. My late spouse was the same way - in his broke, younger days he'd go without food and paying other bills in order to take care of his cat. As you said, they bring you joy and that's not a small thing.
There's so much I just couldn't read it all. Look, I perceive this as a big drama at the heart of the matter. If you don't want to do something, then don't and that applies to this situation. Everything else is just a waste of hot air and energy.
I've seen people decline and I've seen people that started with severe autism and who never got better but their mother kept that person in the house to the detriment of all the normal siblings and her own marriage.
I think there's a solution somewhere here, and I believe it begins with realizing that you were born not to serve your mother and father your entire life. If you continually accommodate all their wishes and demands nothing will change because that is where you are at today. Start living your life, take it back one small step at a time and formulate a plan you can live with and make your father figure out what to do with his own wife... he married her, he has a job, he is obviously intelligent... he is probably just not motivated to make something happen right now since you have stepped in to make decisions for him (lucky him).
I'm sure the other posters have had more advice specific to the options they know are available. Good luck with everything.
Grab your cat, get out and change your phone number, no one could blame you. Your father is not taking responsibility, because you are there. I don't think you are strong enough to do this by yourself, but you must get help to gain control of your own life. You are important and you deserve better.
Under no circumstances should you spend $2000 on your mother's cat. No way. You can't afford it. Use the credit card to get out of town. You might try telling your brother that you need a break and will be gone for 6 months to reevaluate your options, and it is his turn to take care of mom, "Oh, and by the way, mom's cat needs an operation". Then go.
I agree with this. If your mother won't help herself, and your father won't make her, you have no choice but to put your hands up and say, "I'm done, I've tried to help but you won't help yourself, good luck, I need a life."
I'm a vet tech, so I'm well educated on her condition and treatment options. Hyperthyroid can mask kidney disease, but we did repeat blood work after putting her on the meds for a month to verify that wasn't the case for her. She's eleven years old and in otherwise perfect health...this just really isn't a difficult decision for me. Like I'm currently debating on do more tests for my own cat's very vague, subtle symptoms that probably boil down to me being paranoid and seeing things that aren't there, but her case is very simple and clean cut. She's relatively young, she's healthy, and an injection radio-iodine is the best treatment option for her condition. Ergo...
Keep your cats out of the vet's office and stop using them as experimental test dummies for diseases that aren't there. That's where your money is going.
Wow, you are paying to live there? They should be paying YOU. I would find a way to have my savings replenished via their assets IMO. Then off I would go, with the cats. JM2C
Where do you think "financial assistance" for people who are not working comes from? From people who are working. Therefore, when you, while not working, spend (and yes, putting it on your credit card is spending it!) $2000 you don't have for a ridiculous reason and then ask for financial assistance, you are in effect asking the people who are giving the financial assistance to fund your madness.
(by the way, I've received 7 reps so far for my comments....that means those people agree with what I said....so try to step back and take a good look at what you are doing....hopefully you can somehow see the madness.....)
Yes, yes, and my tax dollars go to fund many, many things I don't agree with. Tell you what, though...from now on, I'll run all of my financial decisions through you (or is it just pet related ones that are the issue?). I assume you'll want everyone seeking assistance of any kind to do the same, so please post your address and I'll spread the news.
I totally missed that. If that's true, the OP isn't just being taken advantage of. That almost seems criminal. No way I would pay a dime in rent or board if I was a full time caregiver.
I totally missed that. If that's true, the OP isn't just being taken advantage of. That almost seems criminal. No way I would pay a dime in rent or board if I was a full time caregiver.
I don't pay rent, but until my money situation got very dire in this past 6months I was expected to contribute to the family bills like groceries, gas in the cars, etc. There's where most of my savings has gone to.
I don't pay rent, but until my money situation got very dire in this past 6months I was expected to contribute to the family bills like groceries, gas in the cars, etc. There's where most of my savings has gone to.
If your dad is working as much as you say, he should be bringing in more than enough to cover those things. They've been using you.
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Hyperthyroid can mask kidney disease, but we did repeat blood work after putting her on the meds for a month to verify that wasn't the case for her. She's eleven years old and in otherwise perfect health...this just really isn't a difficult decision for me. Like I'm currently debating on do more tests for my own cat's very vague, subtle symptoms that probably boil down to me being paranoid and seeing things that aren't there, but her case is very simple and clean cut. She's relatively young, she's healthy, and an injection radio-iodine is the best treatment option for her condition. Ergo...
