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Old 11-17-2014, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,588 posts, read 17,488,922 times
Reputation: 9462

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I just got back from visiting my dad and stepmom in Florida. My dad in a rehab facility right now, because he fell after somehow getting tangled up in his walker, and can't bear any weight on one leg for six to eight weeks. While he was in the hospital he got pneumonia, and then he couldn't pass the swallowing test, so he's now on a feeding tube.

He has been steadily declining for the past ten years, when he first fell and hit his head. Since then he has fallen and broken numerous bones - his hip, his pelvis in four separate bones, and it just goes on and on. According to my stepmom, he has been diagnosed with alcoholic dementia as well.

My stepmom and I went to see him on Saturday, and he was just lying there in bed. Any questions we asked would only get a grunt in response. After a few minutes we left. I was heartbroken.

We went to see him yesterday, and the change was nothing short of miraculous. He was actually sitting in his wheelchair outside his room when we got there; he definitely knew who I was, and was sad that I was leaving so soon. He can get around in the wheelchair pretty well; I saw him transfer himself from the chair to the bed. He was also complaining about how long he has to stay there; I could see his personality again. Unfortunately, this made it more difficult to leave him there.

My dad is in such bad shape physically; he basically sleeps and eats (and now he can't even eat, because of the feeding tube!). I'm hoping their house can be modified enough so that he can at least come home in a wheelchair, but even so he'll probably end up in a nursing home at some point. He's almost deaf, he can't type... He's depressed much of the time, but who wouldn't be when you're basically a prisoner in your own body? It doesn't help that the people in my family are very long lived; my grandmother died at 87 of lung cancer, and my uncle (my dad's older brother) is still doing well at 91!

My stepmom is an angel; she is such an amazing wife and caregiver to him. However, she's turning 72 in January, and she has moments. Her driving scares me; she was going to get gas yesterday, and almost ran into the curb at 30 mph! Her hands shake a little, and she put a knife with the pointy end up into a cup in the sink. She has also just recently dealt with early stage cancer of the bladder lining. She thinks she'll be fine, and I certainly hope so.

She's putting me on their safety deposit box, she showed me where their financial records are, and how their wills are set up. I also suggested that she find out who the contingent beneficiaries are on their IRAs.

I'm 51 years old; I don't want to move across the country to care for my dad and stepmom. But if I don't do it, who will?! My stepmom never had any children of her own; she has one friend in Florida, and the next closest person geographically is a cousin in Atlanta. Their isolation really bothers me. At the very least, I suggested that she get another Power of Attorney written up, because my dad, her current POA, certainly isn't in any shape to make decisions for her if something happens to her.

If she falls or has some kind of accident, how would their bills get paid? Who would get their mail? And maybe this should be her problem, but of course, no one ever thinks of these things until they happen. I see the future, and it's scary.

What can I do from across the country? I'm planning to go back in January, but I can't afford to go see them every two months! And even that wouldn't be enough; they need someone to check in on them at least every couple of days. They're not close to any of their neighbors. They originally moved to Florida to be closer to her dad, who of course, has since died. The cost of living in California is a lot higher, too, so their money goes further in Florida. Their house is paid for, and they're okay financially for now - but nursing homes cost $5,000 - $7,000 a month!!! Obviously, it's a little late for a long term care policy. *sigh*

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-17-2014, 11:39 AM
 
12,022 posts, read 11,469,124 times
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Your stepmom needs to set up electronic bill payment for utilities and mortgage or rent. That stuff shouldn't require checkwriting. She could set up an online account for her credit card if she doesn't want automatic payment.

Once the rehab facility discharges him, he'll be sent home to rehab. About a week before, there will be a discharge planning meeting between the social worker, nurse, therapist, and your mom. They'll refer a home health care agency and Medicare will cover the cost. They can also set it up so he can go home in a wheelchair which will be provided by Medicare free of charge. He will probably need it while the home rehab will work on regaining his mobility and balance with the walker. The wheelchair will cut down on falls if he continues to use it to supplement his use of the walker.

I assume his Florida home is on one level so the question of installing a stairlift before he arrives is not an issue.
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Old 11-17-2014, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,588 posts, read 17,488,922 times
Reputation: 9462
Ichoro, thanks for the idea for setting up electronic payments for regular bills. I'm going to suggest that to her.

Actually their home is a split level, but a ramp could be installed. I'm just not sure how it would work; the step-down isn't that big, but I'm not sure how steep the incline would be for a wheelchair, and my stepmom is worried about my dad possibly losing control of the wheelchair and crashing into the entertainment center.

It's doubtful that he'll regain enough mobility to use the walker again. He's very unstable and unsteady even with the walker's assistance, and his latest fall was a result of somehow getting tangled up in the walker.

I suggested taking the frames out from around the doorways to create more room for a wheelchair, but both bathrooms are pretty small. The one bathroom with a walk-in shower has almost no maneuvering room. The other bathroom has a standard tub, and he can't lift his legs enough to get in. (Note to self: If I ever buy a house, make sure it's wheelchair-friendly!)

Last edited by SandyCo; 11-17-2014 at 12:29 PM..
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
14,658 posts, read 7,962,587 times
Reputation: 24867
Did they or do they have a church that they go to, then you could ask one of the members to drop by a couple times a week?
There are services that monitor older people in case of emergency, etc.

Medical Alert Systems; A List of Products and Reviews - The Senior List

Here is a great webpage with different gadgets that might come in handy in this situation.

https://www.caring.com/checklists/us...ts-for-elderly
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:17 PM
 
12,022 posts, read 11,469,124 times
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It sounds like you might need a wheelchair lift. We have a stairlift. A wheelchair is used predominantly upstairs and transport chair and a walker are used downstairs. It cost about $5000 for an Acorn lift. The person has to transfer between the lift chair and the mobility devices, or have help doing so.

The rehab facility might also recommend he get a portable commode. If he can get into the bathroom, you can place it over the toilet so you can adjust the height to make it easier for your dad to sit. 17-18 inches is about where we have it. It was provided by Medicare. An alternative would be to go to Lowe's and order an elongated comfort height toilet. It'll be $209 with another $149 if you request they install it. The only drawback with replacing the toilet is the portable commode comes with arms he can grab while he transfers between the wheelchair and the toilet. You'll probably need a long grab bar in the bathroom anyways to help with the transfers.

For the bathtub shower, I would again go to Lowe's and get a bath transfer bench.

Shop Moen Home Care White Plastic Freestanding Transfer Bench at Lowes.com

Lowe's has a mobility section which seems to have mostly Moen products. If you decide it's too painful for him to lift his leg over the tub using the bench, I would get an aging in place contractor to do a tub cut. It'll cost about $1000. It's much cheaper than getting a walk-in shower. Note you'll eventually have to replace the tub when you sell it.
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,900,389 times
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Definitely do automatic bill pay and consider the medic alert type product. Perhaps a phone with a loud ringer and large numbers too.

Do they have good neighbors? If they do make sure you exchange numbers and ask them to call if they notice anything out of the ordinary. If you take the time to introduce yourself, they probably will.

Your elders need help. They need to hire someone to come in maybe for 4 hours, twice a week. Just for cleaning, shopping, errands, cooking, laundry, etc. This is a lot cheaper than a nursing home and money well spent. Perhaps this will let them live independently for a while longer.

Does your stepmom have kids? If so you need to talk to them about her driving ability. Ask them to visit and evaluate the situation. And it might be possible all of you could agree on a visiting schedule so they are not alone so much. And someone should call them every day as well.
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Old 11-17-2014, 03:24 PM
 
Location: So. of Rosarito, Baja, Mexico
6,987 posts, read 21,834,468 times
Reputation: 7002
I am a bit closer (age 83) to your dad while there is a closer in mileage between my two sons (Ariz and Northern Calif) with me being in Baja Mexico......still I never see them with the Passport needs etc.

Do have my medical issues but still a lot better tho. Last few months lost a 95/96 yr old WW11 vet and a younger mid 70's both close by neighbors and I'm still here.

Son in northern Cal wants me to go up there but I lived up that way for one yr and the snow/cold weather....no way.

My home is clear so why should I sell and then pay $3000-$5000 a month from the money received when selling.....after a couple of yrs the money would be all gone....nothing for the grandkids etc.

I'm originally from snow country of Ont Canada and left for So Calif and spent most of my life there.

Did build my own home here and it is all paid for and NO reason to leave...no RENT or Mortgage and besides I love the weather with it's 60-70 all yr around sunny days.....need I go on....Florida could be considered on the same level.

Anyway we do at his stage in our yrs see things in a different limelight.....medical issues not with standing. He is lucky having a person to talk with re any issues while many do not have that luxury.

Be content that your dad has someone. I did some of the above mentioned things with my dad when he was in and out of a hospital at age 84-86 and his passing. As a only child I had to do what was needed to be done...you will also.
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Old 11-17-2014, 04:42 PM
 
51,573 posts, read 25,482,936 times
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You Dad and Stepmom need help. Someone coming into the home several hours a day to help with cares, cooking, etc. would be a start. Finding that someone and keeping them around is the problem. Many use a home care service, but that's a hit or miss operation. The one they send this week may be an angel. The one who shows up next week is a nut.

What about moving them to a handicap accessible apartment near you.

Friends had their parents move to a senior community near them. The social activities were a blessing for both parents. My friends were able to run them to medical appointments, share holidays, etc.
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Old 11-18-2014, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,588 posts, read 17,488,922 times
Reputation: 9462
Thanks, everyone, for the input. I really appreciate it.

Currently there's a cleaning lady who comes in once or twice a month to do the heavy stuff, like vacuuming, etc. They also have a yard service.

I'd love to move them closer to me, but my dad is in no condition to travel right now - and it would probably be like pulling teeth to convince them to go.

Realistically I know that someone else has to get involved, but I worry about who we hire, because of the horror stories I've heard about home aid workers stealing from the people they're supposed to be caring for, etc. I feel the same way about nursing homes; if you don't drop in all the time to make sure the patient is getting the best care possible, there could be very serious neglect.

Most of my stepmom's relatives are older than she is, and they live far away, too. I've suggested Life Alert for her. She doesn't think she needs it yet. As we know, you never think you need it until something happens. I did tell her that I'm going to call her every other day at least just to make sure she's okay. It really bothers me that I'm at least ten hours away if something happens (there are no direct flights from L.A. to where they live).

I'm actually a little angry with myself. I work in the financial services industry; I deal with clients like this all the time. I should have raised some of these issues (a living trust, power of attorney, etc.) when I was visiting them the last time, seven years ago. Now it's doubtful that a living trust could be established; it depends on Dad being found competent or not. (At this point I'm betting on "not".)

The suggested physical alterations to their home are good ideas. The "split level" is really only one step, so a ramp would probably work. The tub cut is probably necessary now. However, it may not be the best idea to spend a ton of money on remodeling their home to be wheelchair accessible; it could be a few months or a year, but I'm almost certain my dad will end up in a nursing home sooner rather than later. I'd almost rather they save their money for the nursing home expenses.

Thanks again, everyone. If anything changes, I'll update this thread.
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Old 11-18-2014, 08:17 AM
 
7,264 posts, read 4,165,738 times
Reputation: 5463
fyi - walmart has a life-alert type system that is very popular and less expensive...
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