Mother-in-Law "Faking?" (spouse, parent, father, senior)

[seain dublin]

OP, you mentioned she weighs 200 pounds and said she fell outside and had to drag herself into the house, yet you noticed the leaves were undisturbed. Making that impossible to have happened.

Right than and there I would have asked her "how did you manage that, the leaves outside are untouched?", and see what she says.

You can still do that, start questioning her.

[silibran]

I remember when my mom was widowed, that she had lots of anxiety that she had to learn to deal with. It is possible that your MIL has anxiety about being alone.

Is there any way she might consider moving to an independent living place, where she would have access to more people her age, and possibly to a health care pro as well?

If she were less lonely, and if she felt somewhat protected, some of this anxiety might pass.

But she is making her loved ones crazy with her fear. I feel sorry for all of you. I hope you find a solution soon.

[BOS2IAD]

Is there any way she might consider moving to an independent living place, where she would have access to more people her age, and possibly to a health care pro as well?
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Highly unlikely that the MIL would agree to that, given that the OP wrote this:






We found her two different apartments that are for senior citizens. They would be cheaper than where she lives now (based off of her social security income) and seem very nice, but no, she didn't want to do that.

[dizzybint]

Im almost this old dears age and no way would I expect any of my children to take me in or care for me.... Id rather be shot..chase this old parasite.

[Northern Maine Land Man]

My mother-in-law died at age 90. She was manipulative with her four children and tried to pit them against each other. When I married one of her daughters she tried to manipulate me. I simply told her to put a cork in it. I don't play those games. The other in-laws always wondered why I was her favorite. Wife and I reached 50 years of marriage last August. The other three siblings all got divorced. It takes two to manipulate or be manipulated. It's all about respect.

[volosong]

This is an issue about boundaries . . . or the lack of them.

If you want your marriage to last, your husband needs to 'man up' and let his grandmother know what the two of you can do and what you cannot do.

[dizzybint]

Some old dears are very sly and manipualtive.. on holiday a few years ago I watched a family at dinner, about eight at the big table with the granny...... but because granny wasnt hungry and didnt want to finish her food.. she grabbed her bag and got up from the table ordering them to go with her...... and the rest all followed..... now why let anyone rule over a family like this...she seemed a nasty old piece of selfish work.

[longnecker]

Originally Posted by lchoro

She has probably pulled this trick with the in-laws and turned them off. You're the last in line. And now she wants to move in with you because it's backfired here as well.

She is a lonely old woman. Maybe if you get her involved in a Senior Center she might develop a new love interest and be too busy for you.

[NRaleigh Mom]

My husband and I have been dealing with a similar situation with his mother. I am much older than you (my oldest child will be 30 this year) so I really feel for you having to experience this at such a young age and at a time when you should be enjoying your new marriage!

The first thing you need to do is sit down and have a real heart to heart with your husband. Rules and boundaries need to be defined/set quickly. Everyone needs to understand that by doing this and by being firm it IS NOT being neglectful. It is actually the best thing for everyone!

One of the first things to resolve is the medical emergencies. She will need to be told consistently that if and when they happen that 911 should be called so that ambulance/ERT team can get their quicker to help her. If she calls you tell her you will call. In time her emergencies will lessen.

The next thing is to set a schedule for when you will go visit her and what you will do. It sounds like you have this in place already. Just be consistent.

Not sure how many calls you get a day from MIL (mine still calls numerous times per day) but that needs to be worked out too. Just to tell you how bad things are with my MIL....she will call (sometimes within minutes) and if my husband doesn't pick up a call she hangs up on him when he calls back!!! Then she will call back after a few minutes saying things like how come you didn't answer my call, I hung up because I thought you didn't want to talk to me....the list goes on!

And last but not least.....I really really really don't think you should even consider having her live with you. Make sure that your hubby is on board with that really soon! The fact that she wanted him to come stay with her for awhile without you speaks VOLUMES!!

Good luck to you both!! And congratulations on the marriage!

[rdflk]

My husband talked to his aunt for two hours the other day about the whole situation. Basically, even the in-laws are getting really, really fed up. They said that from now on, they are going to call 911 if she says she has fallen, if she says she's sick or if she claims that she needs to go to the hospital. They say that they don't mind helping but that they have their own lives, and she's basically making them spend 4-5 days a week sitting in doctor's offices and hospitals for nothing. I don't blame them one bit.

This COULD be a hint as to how much help you'll REALLY get from them. If they're getting sick of already, maybe they WON'T agree to be the point person, contacts to the degree and as often as you'd like.

I AM NOT saying they'll back all the way off and leave you and husband with all the responsibility, but clearly they're at least "frustrated" by the 'demands' she's placing on their emotions and time. You've got to nip the manipulation in the bud....with love and care of course.