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I'm the full-time caregiver for my elderly Mom (95-1/2), and just in the last couple of days there have been two incidents that have thrown me for a loop.
Every morning she has a cup of tea with her breakfast. She usually keeps her cereal spoon to stir the tea, but yesterday she left it in her cereal dish which I put in the sink. So when she asked for a spoon, I just grabbed one out of the kitchen drawer and handed it to her. As it happened it was a grapefruit spoon (type with a serrated tip), which didn't really matter because she just needed a spoon for stirring. However, she asked me "Where did this spoon come from?" and when I told her it came from the kitchen drawer, she said "I've NEVER had a spoon like this."
Well, I pointed out that in fact there have been 5 such grapefruit spoons in that drawer ever since I can recall. Dad used them for his morning grapefruit ... not sure that she ate grapefruit so I thought maybe she was just unfamiliar with them and thus didn't recall.
But no, she was having none of that and what I got back was, "Don't CONTRADICT me, I know this for a FACT."
So I let the conversation die and she didn't say anything more.
This evening, she took issue with the fork I brought her with her dinner -- exact same size and style of fork that she's been using ever since I can recall. We always use the kitchen silverware for general daily use and save the good silverware for special occasions, company, etc. But tonight, she didn't know where that fork came from and gave me argument about it. She claimed that the silverware she always had in the kitchen had a diagonal floral pattern on the handles. The handles on the silverware that I've always seen out there are all plain with no design at all. She wanted to know where the patterned silverware was, and I can't answer that because I don't remember ever seeing it.
I told her I'd check with my sisters, and I did and neither of them recall any patterned silverware in the kitchen drawer either. I have not told Mom what they had to say about it, I'd rather let the matter alone in hopes she won't keep bringing it up.
Mom did agree to eat with the plain fork, said she guessed she didn't have any choice since the other silverware is missing.
At this point, after conferring with my sisters and my husband, I'm going to do my best to not react with a defensive tone when she snaps out these questions, and instead make some soothing remark such as "I'll check into it and see what I can find out." And then hope she forgets about it and doesn't bring it up again as a major issue.
This is the first I have seen of anything like this. She is occasionally forgetful about what day of the week it is, things like that, and a while back she had forgotten that she divvied up all her jewelry last fall amongst us girls. But this matter of not recognizing something she has used every day for years is new.
She sees her primary care doctor next week. I would like to bring this up to him, but should I do that right in front of her? I don't want to embarrass her, or provoke her into a confrontation that will upset her.
The doctor can assess if she is having a drug interaction. A urinary tract infection can cause delirium-perhaps she is getting an infection? That is pure speculation.
She need a doctor's visit first to see what exactly is causing this.
The best way to deal with, if you are allowed to discuss your mother with her doctor, is to call and leave a message with the doctor's nurse or medical assistant.
My father has no dementia of any kind. He's 87. Mom's gone now, so its just my husband and I for his conversational partners.
One day - he says to me (because he knows we're clearing out his home (my childhood home) - in another state) - have you seen my bicycle?
Now - in my lifetime, my father has not owned a bike. I suppose he rode my brother's one in a while, after my brother left for college -- but still. Dad does not have a bike.
So I stopped, and said - "Like your childhood bike, dad?"
And he said Yes ... and gave me a wonderful description of it, including when his father bought it for him (in the 1930's!!!) from the local hardware.
Long story short - but I informed him that in my entire lifetime, this bike had not existed in my childhood home and perhaps his parents had donated/given it a way DECADES ago.. (I did it nicely and with lots of teasing/laughter)
He laughed and agreed that must have been the case.
But, these are the sorts of conversations he would have had with my mom at one time "What do you suppose ever happened to that old...X?". And with mom gone (3 years now) ... I get them. And they're weird, because I hear about things that far pre-date me that I don't have any idea of.
So - it could be that your mom is just remembering things that you don't know about. The combativeness could be a sign of dementia, or could just be frustration that she remembers these things so clearly, and you don't know what shes's talking about. Perhaps it was silverware from her childhood home, or some other time...
As Flower suggests - getting a medical check up is always good.. and I think handling your mom's questions in a calm/soothing way is always the best way to do it (She's not meaning to cause trouble, she's just generally wondering where these things are..)
Getting old is tough. My dad is the nicest guy in the world, and he's handled it beautifully, but think about that .. the only person left in the world who really remembers his life (and his parents lives, etc..) is him. No wonder he wants to talk about things - to keep them alive - and unfortunately the people he has left to talk to have no idea what the heck he's talking about!!
Having both parents with 'mind issues' - I feel, oh too closely, what you're going through... been there, wear the shirt - it's not a pretty place to be... I know... too well...
As you stated, the best way to handle this is to not confront her or argue with her, despite you knowing the way things really are (spoon/fork, etc).
In PRIVATE - talk to her doctor and let him know what's going on. One problem caretakers often have is that they see their patient every day, so they don't often notice them 'slipping'... it's usually a gradual decline, and not really noticed. I'm not sure how long you've been caring for her, but I'm glad you are aware that these incidents are occurring, and your doctors visit couldn't be better timed...
It's a very rough road when we, as children, have to become our parents parent. Painful to watch, let alone handle. Those that don't have any experience with this THINK they know how bad it is - but they really don't... nobody can... If you've never broken your arm, you really don't know how badly it hurts to break your arm. You THINK you do - but, until you do it, you're in the dark... I know I have friends who have had these types of troubles with their parents and I thought I knew how hard it was to deal with them... but until you're in the drivers seat, you don't know how to really drive... so to speak.
I wish you the very best in caring for your mom, and pray that her recent issues are short lived and quickly diagnosed. As you shed those tears of sadness seeing your moms decline, there are those of us who've got a box of Kleenex to share... and a few hugs... God's speed...
My first thought about the fork was that in her childhood home they had silverware like that. When my mother does that, I ask questions gently and have learned so much about her childhood that I did not know before.
Do try to get her to have the UTI test just in case.
I agree with the others. Mention this to the doc. I might be that she has a UTI or other medical issue that makes her mind work funny. Or, it could be symptoms of dementia.
My mom went to her bank with a bank statement and asked them where this money in her account came from. She was sure it couldn't be her money. This was a sign that she was slipping. Your mom is confused. The crossness might be from the dementia. But get her checked out so you know for sure if there is something else going on.
They have UTI at home test kits now at Walgreens. I thought my Mom was sounding just a little bit "off" this weekend and tested her for the first time today. Sure enough, her leukocytes were off the color chart. I'm going to see if the doctor will call in a Rx instead of having to visit... but I doubt it, they want their billable hours!
I'm the full-time caregiver for my elderly Mom (95-1/2), and just in the last couple of days there have been two incidents that have thrown me for a loop.
Every morning she has a cup of tea with her breakfast. She usually keeps her cereal spoon to stir the tea, but yesterday she left it in her cereal dish which I put in the sink. So when she asked for a spoon, I just grabbed one out of the kitchen drawer and handed it to her. As it happened it was a grapefruit spoon (type with a serrated tip), which didn't really matter because she just needed a spoon for stirring. However, she asked me "Where did this spoon come from?" and when I told her it came from the kitchen drawer, she said "I've NEVER had a spoon like this."
Well, I pointed out that in fact there have been 5 such grapefruit spoons in that drawer ever since I can recall. Dad used them for his morning grapefruit ... not sure that she ate grapefruit so I thought maybe she was just unfamiliar with them and thus didn't recall.
But no, she was having none of that and what I got back was, "Don't CONTRADICT me, I know this for a FACT."
So I let the conversation die and she didn't say anything more.
This evening, she took issue with the fork I brought her with her dinner -- exact same size and style of fork that she's been using ever since I can recall. We always use the kitchen silverware for general daily use and save the good silverware for special occasions, company, etc. But tonight, she didn't know where that fork came from and gave me argument about it. She claimed that the silverware she always had in the kitchen had a diagonal floral pattern on the handles. The handles on the silverware that I've always seen out there are all plain with no design at all. She wanted to know where the patterned silverware was, and I can't answer that because I don't remember ever seeing it.
I told her I'd check with my sisters, and I did and neither of them recall any patterned silverware in the kitchen drawer either. I have not told Mom what they had to say about it, I'd rather let the matter alone in hopes she won't keep bringing it up.
Mom did agree to eat with the plain fork, said she guessed she didn't have any choice since the other silverware is missing.
At this point, after conferring with my sisters and my husband, I'm going to do my best to not react with a defensive tone when she snaps out these questions, and instead make some soothing remark such as "I'll check into it and see what I can find out." And then hope she forgets about it and doesn't bring it up again as a major issue.
This is the first I have seen of anything like this. She is occasionally forgetful about what day of the week it is, things like that, and a while back she had forgotten that she divvied up all her jewelry last fall amongst us girls. But this matter of not recognizing something she has used every day for years is new.
She sees her primary care doctor next week. I would like to bring this up to him, but should I do that right in front of her? I don't want to embarrass her, or provoke her into a confrontation that will upset her.
You can check her meds, and blood work and urine. You can talk to her MD in front of here or behind her back, but at 95.5 yrs old this is part of the aging process and I am surprised you have not experienced her doing such before 95...but maybe she comes from some hearty gene pool! I am only 62 and see things like this happening to me now...but ask me the words to OR play the first 2 bars of a song written in the 60s or 70s and I can sing the whole song!
If you love your Mom, then just try not to let her 'pull you into' whatever she is cranked about at that time. Enjoy her for every minute you have left with her. I remember both my Grandmothers doing this exact same thing as you describe and only WISH that they were still around to 'repeat things' or 'argue about things' with me for one more day now that they are gone. Short term memory often goes first.
Maybe Google 'the aging process' and do a bit of reading. I'd say she has done rather well to be 95.5 yr old!
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