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Old 08-17-2015, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,978,757 times
Reputation: 51106

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
So - and this is going to go into "therapy" type questions... (i.e. questions you ask yourself, or you discuss with a therapist if you decide you want to understand this better, or change this about yourself..)

"Why" was it too much?

Are you young, and you feel you shouldn't have to do this right now? Was it too much physically and you feel you don't have the strength? Do you have a demanding job and need downtime at home and feel this pushed you over the edge? Do you like routine (specific ways of doing things) and because this was out of your routine it made you extremely uncomfortable/overwhelmed?

Please keep in mind - you don't need to answer this here. (I don't know you and don't care what your answers are). Just if you think you're getting overwhelmed more easily than you'd like - you need to start thinking about "Why". That can either lead to things you might want to change, or let your realize you DON'T want to change.

Its not something others can answer for you.

You make sacrifices because YOU want to. Or because, even though they suck, the reward is worth it for YOU. But only you can decide that's true. They may not be worth it for you. But no one can make those decisions for you, and you have to get to know yourself to figure those things out.

I hope your husband recovers well, and I hope you'll take care of yourself, and - if its something you want to know about - take some time to think about why this was so overwhelming for you.
Excellent post with some great questions for the OP (and others to consider).
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Old 08-17-2015, 06:43 PM
 
41,111 posts, read 25,586,708 times
Reputation: 13868
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post

IMO, it is wrong of elder parents to expect their children to give up careers to give them day to day care. It isn't a good financial decision for the adult children, for one thing. If you do have discussions with your parents, it might help you to feel some control over all of this.
Many of the older generation (70's +) DO expect their children to give them daily care. My uncle (84 yo) verbally attacked me when he thought my mom was in rehab too long. He thinks I should sell my house and move in with her. My neighbors mother (mid to late 60s) smugly said "well they took care of you and you should take of them. Her daughters husband wants to retire early and move to another state.... oh, wait until that time comes and the **** hits the fan there.

Right now my mother is with it mentally but is a high fall risk. We can't take care of her on our own but found a way to get help from the state (Nursing Home Transition) but she can not leave the nursing home and come home until the state's budget passed or she will automatically be disqualified. Unfortunately, there she waits, in a nursing home waisting medicaid dollars because Gov Tom Wolf (D) veto'ed the budget because he wants to raise taxes and now the budget is past the deadline. The only reason the government didn't shut down is there is a slush fund. I'm told that many people are waiting to come home but can't while the children play.

To do it on your own is a nightmare, we tried and we were absolutely MISERABLE.
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Old 08-17-2015, 06:43 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 11,428,138 times
Reputation: 9124
Please please think carefully about having a child or two. The baby will be 100% dependent on you for everything 24 hours a day 7 days a week for a very very long time. Thru sickness and health. They cannot be given back.

No one can promise you a calm, quiet, easy baby. Some are and some are not. Your partner needs to be on the same page or one you want them on to provide the help and respite time you need.
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Old 08-17-2015, 08:15 PM
 
17,815 posts, read 25,523,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
Whenever there is family medical issue (someone is sick, staying in hospital, surgery) I am the first to volunteer my time. I stay overnight in hospital, I take time off to drive them to doctor..etc I am there. But that's only for short term, after 3rd day of putting all my energy into a sick person I get tired and selfish and bitter.

How do people keep their sanity and continue to take care of others for years and years? I am worried when my parents actually get old enough to need constant care I might not be able to manage it. My husband this week had knee surgery (30 year old guy) & the first 2 days it was all about making things comfortable for him. I woke up every 2 hour to give him pain medication, food, new ice pack, change position of his leg..etc The 3rd day I was feeling the burn & started getting irritated but still marched on. But the 4th day, I felt like I wanted to curled up in a ball and cry my eyes out & scream "this is too much". I wasn't mad at him or anyone but i was getting angry, felt over burden and loosing my cool. Hubby noticed my exhaustion too & kept telling me to take break/take care of myself & sent me to work today so I am busy doing something else.

This made me realize, this is just a glimpse of the future. How do people manage to give long term care?
OP, while I give you credit for being honest, you're just not cut out to be a caregiver.

What would you do if your husband was seriously ill? Instead of it being recovery from knee surgery?

Also doesn't sound like you're cut out to be having children, that's OK, not everyone should have them. And from what you have stated about you being burned out by day three, probably best if you don't.

You might also want to have a "come to Jesus meeting" with your parents now and tell them they better have a plan in case they need help, as you're not capable of doing it.

And how do people do it for years? They do it because they care, it's not easy, clearly you're not cut out for this. At least you recognize it now, before you're put into a position of someone needing your help, be it a newborn or an elderly person.
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Old 08-17-2015, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,978,757 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
Whenever there is family medical issue (someone is sick, staying in hospital, surgery) I am the first to volunteer my time. I stay overnight in hospital, I take time off to drive them to doctor..etc I am there. But that's only for short term, after 3rd day of putting all my energy into a sick person I get tired and selfish and bitter.

How do people keep their sanity and continue to take care of others for years and years? I am worried when my parents actually get old enough to need constant care I might not be able to manage it. My husband this week had knee surgery (30 year old guy) & the first 2 days it was all about making things comfortable for him. I woke up every 2 hour to give him pain medication, food, new ice pack, change position of his leg..etc The 3rd day I was feeling the burn & started getting irritated but still marched on. But the 4th day, I felt like I wanted to curled up in a ball and cry my eyes out & scream "this is too much". I wasn't mad at him or anyone but i was getting angry, felt over burden and loosing my cool. Hubby noticed my exhaustion too & kept telling me to take break/take care of myself & sent me to work today so I am busy doing something else.

This made me realize, this is just a glimpse of the future. How do people manage to give long term care?
I reread your post and I am wondering if perhaps you are over-doing it and not pacing yourself.

For example, staying overnight in the hospital with someone. Between my husband, children and my parents I have had major responsibilities for all them due to various surgeries and I have never once had to stay completely overnight in a hospital with them (sometimes I was there to 2 AM or so, but never overnight). I do understand that it would be different if young children had surgery or a severe illness (mine were in their teens or twenties when they had surgeries) or it was a crisis or life or death situation, but you sound like you spent the night at hospitals numerous times.

In fact, when my husband was in a medically induced coma, for a week, the intensive care doctors insisted that I go home every night to get a good night's sleep so I would be able to care for him when he was released. BTW, he was in various hospitals that time for almost a full month, just imagine my condition, if I tried sleeping in the hospital (in a chair in his room or in a waiting room) every night during that time.

But, I am in it for the long haul, with my family. If you "burn your self out" after a few days what would happen if a family member had a serious, long term issue like cancer or became disabled? You would be looking at months, if not years of caregiving.

Perhaps, the next time someone is in the hospital or sick only volunteer to be partly responsible, such as driving them to appointments over a longer period of time rather that 24 hours a day but only for a couple of days? Just something to consider.
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Old 08-17-2015, 11:23 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,742,238 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
You are correct, I don't have kids. I am hoping we can start actively planning on having children after husband gets better. But this incident made me question if I am ready. I often hear my friends tell me how they have to feed their toddler every 2 hours or can't sleep at night because of baby. I experienced it first hand this week & wonder how will I manage. hopefully it will be easier
Taking care of your baby is different than taking care of an injured husband. Some guys are big babies when they're hurt...my husband injured his knee when we were younger and he was a huge baby about it, had to have everything arranged so he could reach it without getting up, had to have my sister stay with him while I was at work in case he needed help, etc. I broke my leg a couple years later, which was a lot worse than my husband's knee injury, and my husband's solution to taking care of me was to rent a wheelchair so I could still cook dinner, and so that i'd be able to get out to the washing machine on the patio and across the street to pick up my daughter from school, while still doing everything my 3 year old needed.

I've taken care of my parents for a month, around the clock, and I realized I don't have the strength to do that constantly. That's also different from taking care of your baby. You have instincts to care for your baby, your body responds to the baby's cry. Taking care of a mean, grouchy, demanding old person is much different from taking care of your newborn.
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Old 08-18-2015, 10:47 AM
 
10,586 posts, read 12,009,720 times
Reputation: 16733
Quote:
With his constant moving, the rooms were always messing so I would move him to one room, clean up the room he was in & few min later he would want to move back to that room. I couldn't even scream at him because I know he is in pain.
As for doing too much.....You said "the rooms were always messing" -- but I take it you mean "the rooms were always messy?

If I have this right, he had a knee operation and couldn't even move himself, so he certainly wasn't doing much walking, or getting up.....WHY were the rooms a mess, how messy could they be if couldn't even get up?

So what if he left a few magazines or some linens in one room. Or even if you move his linens and books, and pills with him ....that's not exactly "cleaning the room."

Perhaps you were putting to much pressure on yourself...and doing things that really didn't NEED to be done.
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Old 08-20-2015, 01:20 PM
 
2,606 posts, read 2,687,213 times
Reputation: 3550
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
So - and this is going to go into "therapy" type questions... (i.e. questions you ask yourself, or you discuss with a therapist if you decide you want to understand this better, or change this about yourself..)

"Why" was it too much?

Are you young, and you feel you shouldn't have to do this right now? Was it too much physically and you feel you don't have the strength? Do you have a demanding job and need downtime at home and feel this pushed you over the edge? Do you like routine (specific ways of doing things) and because this was out of your routine it made you extremely uncomfortable/overwhelmed?

.
Thanks for the question. I found myself exhausted/frustrated again today, even thought this week did not require much caregiving. I still found myself irritated & I asked myself the question you asked again. The answer is combination of all the areas you mentioned. Physically it is not too demanding however home is where I am suppose to relax & that relaxation stage is gone & that makes me tired.

However, what really got to me is not the physical or lack of downtime or disruption in my routine or that I am young, its that I feel like I am all alone in this. The first week, I was mentally "on duty" the entire week. No family member came to say "I will be here to assist him with anything he needs you take a break & do your thing". Although family came and left, no one took the role for few hours. Usually I try to volunteers for this when others are sick so primary caretaker can have break yet here I am with minimal help. Of course its my fault as I openly did not ask anyone for help & really didn't realize that was bothering me until recently when I sat to ask myself why am I so bothered by this simple task.
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Old 08-20-2015, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,920,486 times
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From my POV you did too much. You always let the patient do what they can for themselves. This means less work for you. There is no reason why your 30yo H can't do his own medication. When he needs help, he can call you.

Next, you always need help. Don't ever turn anyone down who offers. Even is all you do is go to Starbucks for coffee and then get your nails done.

Caregiving is work and everyone suffers. That's just the way it is. Not everyone can do it and it's just as well you found out now it's not one of your strong points. Think hard about this in the future.
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Old 08-20-2015, 02:59 PM
 
3,763 posts, read 12,497,812 times
Reputation: 6852
Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
Thanks for the question. I found myself exhausted/frustrated again today, even thought this week did not require much caregiving. I still found myself irritated & I asked myself the question you asked again. The answer is combination of all the areas you mentioned. Physically it is not too demanding however home is where I am suppose to relax & that relaxation stage is gone & that makes me tired.

However, what really got to me is not the physical or lack of downtime or disruption in my routine or that I am young, its that I feel like I am all alone in this. The first week, I was mentally "on duty" the entire week. No family member came to say "I will be here to assist him with anything he needs you take a break & do your thing". Although family came and left, no one took the role for few hours. Usually I try to volunteers for this when others are sick so primary caretaker can have break yet here I am with minimal help. Of course its my fault as I openly did not ask anyone for help & really didn't realize that was bothering me until recently when I sat to ask myself why am I so bothered by this simple task.
I'm the sort of person who likes to understand myself. A lot of people don't. But I think that in understanding myself, I can prevent some frustrations/annoyances.. which makes my life easier ... so in that respect, I think its great that you took time to think that through.

Also - that you realized that its possible you didn't get help, because you didn't ask for help, and that - that bothers you! That's Great!! So many people expect the rest of the world to act as THEY WOULD.

"Well, I would just automatically volunteer, and they didn't, so I'm mad!".

Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not a mind reader.

If you want help, you should ask for it. If you don't get it, then that may be a whole different issue, but at least you'll know (instead of quietly resenting the fact that people didn't just offer).

I used to get mad at a boyfriend because I would "think" of all the wonderful things we would do come the weekend. But, I would never mention them, I would just think that come friday they would magically happen (like a romantic dinner, walk in the park, etc..). Of course, come Friday - he'd be busy and have to work late, or something would come up. And I'd just be sooooooo irritated!! I would just be pissed off - and I couldn't really say "why"..

and then I realized .. I was making all these awesome plans (in my head) and never talking to him about it, and looking forward to them all week - and then they were getting trampled! No wonder it made me irritable. But since I never told him about my thoughts/plans (because I thought it would be more romantic if they just "happened") ... how could he be expected to just "know"?

Needless to say, I realized if I don't tell someone what I'm thinking, they can't be held responsible for not living up to expectations that they didn't even know about!!

Basically, lessons of youth. A lot of which has helped me with life in general, not just caregiving.


I hope that it gets better for you. That your h. continues to recover, and that (if you want to) you work on thinking about "why" you're responding a certain way, and then see what (if anything) you could do differently to possibly get a different response. You may or may not decide that caregiving is ultimately for you (in any capacity), but at least you'll know WHY that is, instead of just a kneejerk reaction... and that might make you feel more comfortable about your ultimate decision.

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