U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-02-2015, 01:57 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,689,125 times
Reputation: 11932

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
No, it isn't. Dementia, brain injury (frontal, affecting behavior and judgment), total blindness, bedridden, on a j-peg tube, and on and on. There's nothing I haven't done, believe me. It's just a matter of doing it. But keep telling yourselves that your case is "worse." How else can we justify the institutionalization of an entire generation other than convincing ourselves and others that "only professionals" can properly care for them? When in fact no one cares for them in these places.
Ok an Alzheimers patients brain is LITERALLY melting in their head.

Ongoing.

its not acquired, unavoidable or mere forgetfulness.

An autopsied Alzheimer brain has literally fused together. There are no ripples and familiar lumps and grooves - the tissue is smooth.

How anyone imagines the patients days are filled with anything more than discomfort at best and sheer irrational terror most days, is crazy.

Alzheimers is its own sort of hell as it DETERIORATES until the person is nothing more than a walking corpse...the personality dies first.

Some get so violent they need several folk to restrain them - a far cry from the peaceful at home passing you describe!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-02-2015, 01:59 PM
 
7,781 posts, read 4,345,989 times
Reputation: 11533
I can see that everyone here has plenty of time to post... SMH!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 02:16 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,428 posts, read 35,894,753 times
Reputation: 62802
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
Thanks. How about little compassion for these "troublesome" old people? My mother was in rehab following a surgery and became so wild with fear and anger that she had to be literally restrained.

I thought you were done with this thread.

Everyone on this thread has expressed what seems to me to be very genuine compassion for these dear elderly loved ones in our families. I can only speak for myself but I CERTAINLY have compassion, love, and dedication for my mother in law.

Interesting , though, that you would bring up the topic of TIME:

I have compassion, love and dedication for my:

Husband
Five adult kids
Eight grandchildren
Two elderly parents
My mother in law

These people ALL deserve a portion of my time and energy. I committed my time and energy and the best of myself to these people, as well as my mother in law, many years ago. ALL of these very important people deserve my attention, my love, my time, my appreciation, my effort. And they all get it as needed. What goes around comes around. I need love, dedication, compassion, and energy from them as well and thankfully they are all very loving and supportive.

I also have responsibilities which include, but are not limited to:

Our business - I keep the books. This business also requires that I travel about once a month out of state. This business is our livelihood and enables me to give the time and attention to all the relationships I just listed without the additional burden of a full time job - and I'm grateful for that.
Our home - I keep a spotless home and I do this to show my appreciation to my family
Our two dogs - They are loyal to me and I am loyal to them. They need daily attention.
Our cat - Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I give him any love (JUST KIDDING)
Our yard - We have about an acre of yard and it requires several hours of work a week to maintain
Our vehicles - I keep them inspected, washed, maintained etc since my husband works out of town so much
My volunteer work (I teach classes one day a week to underprivileged women and this requires about 8 hours a week of work total)
Estate issues/legal stuff - very complicated - takes an average of a couple of hours a day at the moment

I have other interests as well. Among those interests are:

Several close friends who I have loved for decades
Our church - I don't like to be all take and no give
My neighborhood bible study - This group of women is precious to me
Reading - my way to relax in the evenings
Creativity - my outlet - I love to write, paint, play the piano, etc. I believe in using the talents that God gives us

Of course, not all of these things get my attention every single day, though some of them do. But my point is this (not that it will make any difference to you, but I'm writing this for the benefit of others as well as myself):

My mother in law cannot be watched over by one person. She is critically ill. She is dying in fact. Her daily care takes the efforts of multiple people, and multiple people, most of whom are professionals at providing the level of care she needs, are better able to meet her needs than I am alone. As I have explained to you repeatedly, to no avail, my husband's work takes him out of state for days and often weeks at a time. One of us has to work full time - he's the one. That would leave me to care for her alone most of the time. But wait - we tried that. We tried having help come in. We tried it all. It was not best for her, or for anyone else.

Our family chose what was best for ALL INVOLVED. We are a family after all. None of us is a solitary being.

I can assure you of this - if I am ever in the state my mother in law is in, I do NOT want my children trying to care for me at home. I do NOT want my children changing my adult diapers. I do NOT want my children trying to bathe me. I do NOT want my children sitting next to me all day every day watching me in case I try to get up because I have such severe dementia I think I see little elves laying on the floor or beckoning me from the doorway. I do NOT want to put that sort of strain and burden on my family. Honestly, I'd rather die than do that and I am not kidding.

The world doesn't revolve around me. I would never expect my children to put their families through what it would take to try to keep me at home when I reach the stage my mother in law is at.

Quote:
Once home and with someone she knew and trusted 24/7, she was as calm as a lamb and quite happy for the remainder of her life.
I'm glad your mother was happy. But your mother is not my mother in law. She did not suffer from the same conditions my mother in law is suffering from. You are not a medical expert, nor do you have any depth of knowledge or understanding of my mother in law's condition.

Quote:
But that takes a lot more time than an occasional visit and leaves little time for blogging.
I visit my mother in law for at least an hour nearly every single day - sometimes twice a day if necessary. That's not "an occasional visit."

And I think and type fast, so don't worry about the time I spend online. I take care of ALL OF THE ABOVE first and foremost and the internet gets what's left over of me. My priorities are straight.

Quote:
The drugs they're given don't help, either
You have no idea what medications my mother in law is on. You are not an expert on her various conditions. So frankly, this statement is a useless generalization that doesn't apply to my family's situation.

Come to think of it, I don't think much of what you've said on this thread applies to my family's situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
3,741 posts, read 4,198,799 times
Reputation: 6861
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I can see that everyone here has plenty of time to post... SMH!
As do you. This is one of several reasons why I will do everything within my power to prevent any of my children from stepping in and taking over my care should I ever need assistance. There are too many adult children who fail to move on after their care giving days have ended.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 02:50 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,689,125 times
Reputation: 11932
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora View Post
As do you. This is one of several reasons why I will do everything within my power to prevent any of my children from stepping in and taking over my care should I ever need assistance. There are too many adult children who fail to move on after their care giving days have ended.
I simply could not agree more.

My friends hospital gets the elderly who have ALREADY been cared for at home, to the detriment of all most especially the patient themselves.

Families go through so much grief and stress trying to do a job that is best reserved for EXPERTS.

Dementia hospitals are the experts in OP's case.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,428 posts, read 35,894,753 times
Reputation: 62802
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I simply could not agree more.

My friends hospital gets the elderly who have ALREADY been cared for at home, to the detriment of all most especially the patient themselves.

Families go through so much grief and stress trying to do a job that is best reserved for EXPERTS.

Dementia hospitals are the experts in OP's case.
Right on.

As bleak as my MIL's future is, she GREATLY improved after being moved from home - where she was being taken care of as best all of us, and a team of professional caregivers could do - to a memory care facility.

At home, she absolutely refused to do anything other than sit in front of the TV. She wasn't even watching what was on TV - she couldn't grasp it. But she didn't want to move. She didn't want to do physical therapy. She didn't want to take a shower. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to do anything but sit as the symptoms of dementia and Parkinson's overwhelmed her.

We didn't blame her for being depressed and feeling hopeless - far from it. But we did feel that she should maximize what skills she still had, for as long as she had them. And when we put her into a facility that was geared to her specific needs, she did improve - and does, even at this terrible stage in her life, do more than she wants to do - though she does seem to really resent it. Actually, if the truth be known, I think if left to her own devices, she would choose to just lay there and die, and I can't really blame her, but unfortunately we don't have a society that is comfortable with letting people just lay there and die.

She is a person who has always struggled with depression. My gosh, she was even admitted to a mental healthcare facility involuntarily back in the 1990s - and we believe she has struggled with mental illness for many decades. She would not submit to the treatment that the mental healthcare professionals recommended, by the way, so her mental illness ran unchecked for many years prior to her diagnosis of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She absolutely REFUSED to acknowledge that she might need medication, therapy, or both.

Consequently, she has always been a difficult, negative person. To her credit, she has also always been a very sincere person who tried to be helpful. She has always been a very loving, kind hearted person. She's what I would call "very delicate" emotionally. A worrier, someone who frets unnecessarily, someone who has always brought unnecessary stress and grief into her own life by worrying about ridiculous things - but always a very loving, tenderhearted, giving person, if that makes sense.

Interesting because we wonder if her brain has always been her "weak spot." I mean, to struggle with mental illness all those years, and then to develop Alzheimer's as well as Parkinson's - it almost seems as if the Alzheimer's and Parkinson's have only been a continuation and an amplification of brain disorders which were already present. I do believe that much mental illness is biological in nature.

I firmly believe that some of her really "out there" behavior now is a continuation of thought processes that have been in place for decades - except now she can't use logic and reasoning AT ALL to address them, due to the Azheimer's - which is a terrible, terrible disease.

Even when her dementia was mild, she was already unhinged. It was like the last straw - the last vestige of self control slipped away.

When I hear some people talk about how happy their mother was, how at peace she was at home, I want to burst into sardonic laughter. My mother in law has been in the grips of mental illness for many years. She wasn't happy at home. She wasn't at peace. She was already barely hanging on to her sanity prior to the onset of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Those two big whammies were too much for her to take emotionally. I think that is why she is so out of control now.

I go up to the memory care facility and I see all sorts of patients there who have dementia. There are only a very few who are as severely affected as her, and as negative and combative as her. I rarely see their family members there, but when I do, they have the same pained expression on their faces as I am sure I do.

Most of the patients there respond well to the affection and care of their professional caregivers as well as their family members. They are confused, they are maybe even "out of their minds" but most of them seem comfortable, happy, and at peace.

Even on her best days - before she was stricken with both these terrible diseases - my mother in law was never "happy and at peace." Now - that very concept is as far removed from reality as a leprechaun or a unicorn.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 04:23 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,689,125 times
Reputation: 11932
They thrive on routine, but not, often, visitors.

Some of those Nurses may as well be in the army. They roar into the wards, up and at em, come on now, get moving or you'll get bedsores, I'll take you to the shops (lies) then to a show (more lies), grab your handbag Mabel (gives a box of tissues). Mabel is as happy as a clam to be wheeled in and bathed because she's going to a show.

Family members simply cant do that, every single day. They're just too invested and can't be cruel to be kind like a good nurse can. My BFF sometimes gives tearful new patients lectures "don't be so silly, your kids cant drop everything to be here with you! they have lives too you know!" but those types of people are few and far between, especially if really ill and/or dying, when they usually wish to be left alone.

Maybe your MIL was one of those eternally dissatisfied types, Kathryn. Painful and needy in health, painful and needy still in dementia.

But that's why she's doing better - she's with professionals. As good as home care can be, it still isn't Trained Nursing by Experienced Aged Care RNs and Carers who know the Tricks of the Trade.

My friends have all had patients sent to them by hospitals as being Beyond Help or Actually Dying - only to have them gain a whole new lease of life with the proper care they receive under my friends loving hands.

They tend wounds properly, make sure they eat, talk to them, constantly move them about, dress them, undress them, on and on in an endless comfortable cycle that all but the hardiest don't want disturbed in any way except by the predictable cups of tea.

One of my friends actually WANTS to go into one, so well are they looked after where she works. She literally cannot wait to be tended, and would shrivel up and of embarrassment if her husband and son/sons partner had to look after her instead of the other way about.

Geriatric care is extremely specialized and its insane to think Joe Blow can or even should attempt it at home.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,428 posts, read 35,894,753 times
Reputation: 62802
cinderslipper your posts on this topic are SO HELPFUL. Thank you so very much. I can't tell you how much I learn from them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 04:29 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,428 posts, read 35,894,753 times
Reputation: 62802
Like you said, I cannot IMAGINE my own children taking care of my most personal needs, for months or years. I would much rather go to a facility where trained professionals can do that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-02-2015, 05:27 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,689,125 times
Reputation: 11932
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
cinderslipper your posts on this topic are SO HELPFUL. Thank you so very much. I can't tell you how much I learn from them.
Thanks Kathryn sometimes I wonder if I'm banging on too much but one thing I do know is the POV of Aged Care Staff.

I'm so glad you're finding them helpful.

Its not easy to be logical when its someone you love, nor to think beyond the anxiety. My bff deals with families of the elderly daily, and most of them are very well meaning but get a bit carried away with the drama of the whole process of dying...understandably so.

You really need to put yourself in your MIL place, if you were old and ill, would YOU want your DIL there every day? Damn sure I wouldn't, no matter how lovely she was!

But let me emphasise, the practical help you give in such things as feeding is truly invaluable - to your MIL, however, you're just another face. The Nurses and carers really, really appreciate it.

They don't mind families in the rooms 24/7, if the families actually help, but too many of them just lean on the bell.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Caregiving
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top