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I am torn and looking for clarity.
For decades my father and i did not communicate because of differing views and because I married outside of my race. Even more, my childhood was not the best in the world... I was not abused but the environment was very cold and very distant. Recently I was informed that he has Parkinsons disease so "I" decided let bygones be bygones. The reunion has been great and we communicate weekly. After our great calls i explain to my wife that i feel guarded because of my childhood and decades long argument. A part of me thinks, he left me(us) hanging for decades by not being a grandparent and now I am supposed come running to support him. I do see a different remorseful person but he still has not seen my wife or children and only minimally talks about them. What are thoughts?
You're not responsible for his actions - you're only responsible for your own.
At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and your own decisions. No one is perfect, including your dad, and including you. I guess what I'm saying with all these platitudes is that you need to do what you would want your own child to do for you.
That being said, I do think that your father needs to show some respect and appreciation for your wife and kids. He needs to interact with them in a respectful manner. He needs to extend basic courtesy, which would be showing some interest in their wellbeing, their activities, that sort of thing. He needs to be around them, and needs to behave when he is around them.
How far away from each other do you live? Have you seen him face to face yet? If not, when is that going to happen? When it does, your wife and kids need to be with you, and he needs to know to expect that and what your expectations are about his behavior.
If he can't or won't do that, then personally I would distance myself significantly and let him know exactly why. We're not talking about him paying for your kids' education or letting all of you move in with him - all we're talking about is basic kindness and courtesy. If he can't manage that, then I just wouldn't have much to do with him and I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all. Your wife and kids deserve better than that.
Growing up I had a friend with a cold and distant father. The day before her wedding her mother told her that her father wasn't really her father. I forget what had happened to her birth father but he was out of the picture before she was born. Anyway, on hearing the news, my friend felt such a flood of relief. She had tried so hard without success throughout her childhood to obtain her father's approval and love. Now she understood why and she could just let go.
Of course it's possible that your father is simply an emotionally damaged person, probably as a result of the experiences of his own childhood.
In either case, I think it unlikely that at this late date your father is capable of forming a genuine emotional bond with your children even if he tried hard to do so. If he really wants your approval, and you push it, he may pretend an interest. Is this what you want?
It sounds as if the status quo is the best you can expect. You are enjoying the conversations with your father but are guarded about the possibility of being hurt.
Of course it's possible that your father is simply an emotionally damaged person, probably as a result of the experiences of his own childhood.
In either case, I think it unlikely that at this late date your father is capable of forming a genuine emotional bond with your children even if he tried hard to do so. If he really wants your approval, and you push it, he may pretend an interest. Is this what you want?
It sounds as if the status quo is the best you can expect. You are enjoying the conversations with your father but are guarded about the possibility of being hurt.
This is what I think too. My own father was warm and loving when I was small, but he was totally lost by the time I became a teenager. When I needed him the most, he did not have the tools to provide what I needed. It wasn't his fault, because he was the product of his own upbringing.
OP should do whatever he can to support his father, as long as his father is respectful to his wife and children. In the end, OP will never regret taking the high road.
Yes we had a face to face, but without my wife and children because they could not travel. My face to face went very well but its like fools gold because it was only me.
My instinct tells me when they do have a face to face, the meeting will go well but I know the same issues from before are ever present. I know this to be true because I have been testing the waters and he has failed miserably. I injected several comments about my family but his response consisted of responses that resembled an outsider(which he is given several decades of no interaction)...there was a lot of yes and no...no deep conversations or thought(not like a family member). The confusing part is that he did say that he would love to meet them and he even planned a trip but then he suddenly changed the date to next year. This is all very confusing.
My greatest fear is that my wife and children have gotten used to no interaction so adding him to the mix could be problematic and spark strong emotions if they are rejected. I will not stop talking to him, so right now I am taking the wait and see approach.
You need to focus on rebuilding the relationship between the two of you first, before you even think to bring in your family.
It will take time, indeed it may NEVER happen, but that is actually not really the Important Part.
The important part is you and your dad...the end.
Its not time for recrimination on your part, nor high expectations.
Its not the time for teaching an old dog new tricks, either.
Just concentrate on you and your dad, the two of you. He will ask to see your family if he wishes to.
Amen and amen. First things first.
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