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Old 09-01-2015, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Durm
5,850 posts, read 8,790,024 times
Reputation: 6572

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Thanks so much, all. I need to stay distant for my own well-being...perhaps not as distant as I am, but a decent amount. I'll get in touch with a geriatric care manager first ... my sister's presence complicates everything so much, but I don't believe she'll ever leave, sigh. Thanks, saving this whole thread.
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Old 09-01-2015, 11:02 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,202 posts, read 2,018,387 times
Reputation: 3786
You don't say how old your mother is. 90? 60? It may make a difference. And are you quite sure that your sister and mother haven't worked out a way of living that works for them? It may not meet your ideal of the best arrangement, but perhaps it works for them. Maybe they have their own plans for the future and you could ask them before proceeding to intervene. Or have you detected serious problems? I ask this as the disabled daughter of elderly parents. Our lives were greatly disrupted when my sibling moved across country to impose her idea of how things should be, with rather disastrous results.
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Old 09-02-2015, 03:16 AM
 
Location: Durm
5,850 posts, read 8,790,024 times
Reputation: 6572
Windwalker, I'm not giving all the details here, but there are documented serious problems and my mother wants her to leave, but I don't believe she will ever leave, and my mother had been enabling her for years. She's had many years of free rent and transportation. I have zero intention of moving across the country to impose my idea of how things should be - I'd like to walk away from them both entirely, to be honest. My mother is in her 70s and enables her completely. I choose not to. Thanks.
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Old 09-02-2015, 06:34 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,324 posts, read 35,852,560 times
Reputation: 62692
Quote:
In a nutshell - my mother is aging, and she has some mental health issues...I have a sibling who lives with my mother and has more mental health issues - together they are a bit like Grey Gardens with less money and more dysfunction.

I live in another state. I feel more than a little sense of impending doom about my future, as you can imagine.

I really need to stop ruminating/worrying/envisioning worst case scenarios and speak to someone who has power to help me, but I don't know where to start. There are a lot of possibilities that include estate issues, caregiving issues, health issues for both.

I wonder, what type of person would you contact first? My sibling is in poor physical health, but not as much as she claims.
Quote:
To be honest, I don't want to take on any responsibility with my sibling, for various reasons (this has affected my life for far too long). But, she lives with my mother. Kinda tempted to fake my own death and go to Tahiti. Kidding, kidding. I guess.
Quote:
I need to stay distant for my own well-being...perhaps not as distant as I am, but a decent amount. I'll get in touch with a geriatric care manager first ... my sister's presence complicates everything so much, but I don't believe she'll ever leave, sigh.
Quote:
I'm not giving all the details here, but there are documented serious problems and my mother wants her to leave, but I don't believe she will ever leave, and my mother had been enabling her for years. She's had many years of free rent and transportation. I have zero intention of moving across the country to impose my idea of how things should be - I'd like to walk away from them both entirely, to be honest. My mother is in her 70s and enables her completely. I choose not to.
OK, I had to go back and reread your posts because I got confused. Rereading them, it seems that it's the SISTER who is really getting under your skin. Is she stealing from your mom? Harming your mom in any way? I mean actual harm, not just living there and eating food your mom buys and using her car - is she physically abusive to your mom or committing any crimes that you know of?

Does your mom need actual help - as in getting to her doctor appointments, paying her bills, feeding herself, taking care of herself or her property - that she is NOT receiving BECAUSE your sister is impeding her from doing so?

If any of this is happening, then I think you have a moral obligation to intervene. If not, then I don't think you are obligated to get involved.

You said something else I highlighted - you said you have a sense of impending doom about your own future. Can you be more specific about that? Are you afraid you are going to have to move to take care of either of them? Or are you afraid your inheritance is going to be squandered? Or what? You live in another state and it doesn't sound like you are dependent on either your mom or your sister financially, so what is it about their situation that you feel is going to affect your future?

Not trying to nitpick - I am genuinely trying to understand exactly what the issues are, because honestly, we can only give you pertinent advice if we have some more details.

I say all this because I have a brother who is mentally ill, and who took advantage of my enabling parents until they genuinely became afraid of him. I had been jumping up and down squawking about this for at least 15 years before they finally put an end to it. And honestly, if my dad was out of the picture, I think my mom would still be very vulnerable to his emotional manipulation. If you think your mom really does need help, or is really a victim of crime, even without knowing the particulars of your situation, maybe you should go talk to an elder care attorney.

We always think our particular situation is unique and uncommon but they've heard it all, believe me.
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Old 09-02-2015, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Durm
5,850 posts, read 8,790,024 times
Reputation: 6572
Hi, thanks, I know I'm being totally vague. My mother is in no danger other than financial; my sister is only a danger to herself.

My problem is more with my mother's enabling of my sister (and my mother's narcissism issue). Without getting into it further, I need to have very strong boundaries with both, and infrequent contact. I do want to maintain the relationship, but there need to be limits, and my mother refuses to seek outside help in dealing with my sister, who is nearly 40 years old. Thanks Kathryn, I'm so sorry about what happened in your family. My sister isn't violent but I'd get involved for sure if she were.

There's no inheritance to speak of and that's fine - my mother wants to leave the house to both of us, but my sister has no income and will refuse to move so it can be sold; I will not enter into a legal contract with her and be responsible in any way financially for the upkeep of that house, so I'll walk away from that. That's the least of my problems, but the main thing is I feel I will be somehow held financially or legally responsible for their care, and certainly society would hold me responsible.

Basically, if I live with these two again I cease to exist emotionally. Not to be dramatic. I can't be their caregiver and function as a person. I'm happy to make whatever calls are needed. My mother was about ready to sell the house and live in an apartment and has since decided not to.

Just trying to plan and figure out who to talk to about my options, if there are any. I want to help, but it can't all fall on me, and I'm nearly a decade older than my sister.
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Old 09-02-2015, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,324 posts, read 35,852,560 times
Reputation: 62692
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorasMom View Post
Hi, thanks, I know I'm being totally vague. My mother is in no danger other than financial; my sister is only a danger to herself.

My problem is more with my mother's enabling of my sister (and my mother's narcissism issue). Without getting into it further, I need to have very strong boundaries with both, and infrequent contact. I do want to maintain the relationship, but there need to be limits, and my mother refuses to seek outside help in dealing with my sister, who is nearly 40 years old. Thanks Kathryn, I'm so sorry about what happened in your family. My sister isn't violent but I'd get involved for sure if she were.

There's no inheritance to speak of and that's fine - my mother wants to leave the house to both of us, but my sister has no income and will refuse to move so it can be sold; I will not enter into a legal contract with her and be responsible in any way financially for the upkeep of that house, so I'll walk away from that. That's the least of my problems, but the main thing is I feel I will be somehow held financially or legally responsible for their care, and certainly society would hold me responsible.

Basically, if I live with these two again I cease to exist emotionally. Not to be dramatic. I can't be their caregiver and function as a person. I'm happy to make whatever calls are needed. My mother was about ready to sell the house and live in an apartment and has since decided not to.

Just trying to plan and figure out who to talk to about my options, if there are any. I want to help, but it can't all fall on me, and I'm nearly a decade older than my sister.
Don't worry about what other people think. As long as people insist on living in dysfunctional relationships, there's nothing you can do about that.

When the time comes, sign over your interest/ownership in the house to your sister. As for being legally responsible for their care, you're not. The only way you would be is if you applied for and was appointed as a guardian of either of them by the court. That's not something that anyone would just put on you without your knowledge or consent.

Honestly, from the way it sounds, I doubt that you can help much. They insist on being dysfunctional, you insist on healthy boundaries. There you have it. It's irritating, it's distressing, it's sad, but at least you don't live near them!
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Old 09-02-2015, 11:05 AM
 
Location: SW US
2,202 posts, read 2,018,387 times
Reputation: 3786
^^^ I agree with Kathryn. If you have any concerns that you might be held legally responsible for something, go to an elder law attorney and make sure things are in order. If there are no emotional ties or responsibilities then just step away from the situation.
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