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Old 10-30-2015, 08:38 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,139,589 times
Reputation: 3143

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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
She is 68, not 88. I can understand her wanting to be nearer than 1500 miles from you, but at her age she should have her own place. If I were you I would make this happen somehow. Then youdo not need to be annoyed by her behavior.

I am 67, and if my husband died I would want to live near one of my children, but no way would I live with them. I want my space.
I think this is a huge part of my issue, while she has health issues they are controllable and I do understand her wanting to be close to family but she lived 20 miles from my youngest brother who according to her is her favorite child, so she was close to family, she just didn't live with family. She has the whole poor me routine down to pat and it is my fault for playing into her guilt games. So I am going to make sure that my husband and children still at home are number 1 in my life and maintain those relationships. I am going to continue to encourage her to get out and meet others, volunteer or whatever it takes to fill that void she has. Don't know if it will do any good but I will try.
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Old 10-30-2015, 08:45 AM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,775,120 times
Reputation: 25416
Are there any other living options for your mother? An apartment complex for seniors in your community? Spending 6 months of the year with your youngest brother? Or splitting the year up with your other siblings?

I feel suffocated just reading about your situation.
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Old 10-30-2015, 10:28 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,139,589 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Are there any other living options for your mother? An apartment complex for seniors in your community? Spending 6 months of the year with your youngest brother? Or splitting the year up with your other siblings?

I feel suffocated just reading about your situation.
There is a senior complex but not sure at this time with her credit card debt that she has enough money to live there and with 3 teenage/college sons I don't have the extra money to spare. She has two sons that she could potentially spend time with and after her knee surgery, it will be something I look at. For now I have just decided that when she is having a poor me day, I am going to remind her that there are options in our community for her to get out and socialize, if she chooses to take advantage of them then great, if not then there is not a whole lot I can do to help. If she gets mad, then I guess she can shut her door and pout in her room. God knows we have done everything we can to meet her needs and give her own private space with a computer and television, it is a lot more than she did for my grandmother.

I am determined to be positive today and not let her get to me.
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Old 10-30-2015, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,516 posts, read 5,040,174 times
Reputation: 13915
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
Thanks for all the advice, you have definitely given me something to think about.

I am going to get her thru knee surgery and see how things go. I do understand that she will probably never change learned behaviors that have accomplished what she wanted for all these years and some tough decisions will have to be made.
See, you're already doing it. Let me just get her through this knee surgery.......................and then you know it will be something else.

Did you say she is having knee replacement? They make you get up and walk the very next day, and in a couple days you are expected to walk around the block. If that is what she is having, what is to 'get through'?

Please keep in mind that your learned behaviors enable hers, and the only way you can change your patterns is by conscious choice.

And no, karma is not going to bite you for this.
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Old 10-30-2015, 10:42 AM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,601,942 times
Reputation: 33956
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
I think this is a huge part of my issue, while she has health issues they are controllable and I do understand her wanting to be close to family but she lived 20 miles from my youngest brother who according to her is her favorite child, so she was close to family, she just didn't live with family. She has the whole poor me routine down to pat and it is my fault for playing into her guilt games. So I am going to make sure that my husband and children still at home are number 1 in my life and maintain those relationships. I am going to continue to encourage her to get out and meet others, volunteer or whatever it takes to fill that void she has. Don't know if it will do any good but I will try.
I really don't get why you got yourself into this position. I was caregiver to both my parents, but you couldn't have asked for better parents, and it was still very hard.

That doesn't sound like your situation.

Also you mother is 68 and having knee surgery, that's something she will recover from. It's not like she is 88 and can't live alone.

I would have a chat with your younger brother, in fact why didn't she just go to him?

You need to have a family meeting over the phone and come up with a plan, and tell your mother after the surgery she goes to rehab and than either back to her area or an apartment.

If you don't like it, I wonder what your husband and kids think?

I'm sorry you're in this boat, but the boat came right to your dock and you got in.
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Old 10-30-2015, 10:58 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,600,166 times
Reputation: 6684
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
Thanks for all the advice, you have definitely given me something to think about.

I am going to get her thru knee surgery and see how things go. I do understand that she will probably never change learned behaviors that have accomplished what she wanted for all these years and some tough decisions will have to be made.
OP -

I applaud you for that. Honestly, a lot of people can't look at their own lives and see the truth..

As far as getting her thru knee surgery - that's great. That's a FINITE event. But you have to make it so - you have to let her know that you are working towards a goal together -- that goal is for her to have a successful surgery and recovery and move out.

And that if it is not successful - what are the options?

If it is successful and she doesn't want to move - what are the options?

Then she can't claim "she didn't know".


As far as her behaviors that you find problematic, you seem to be on the right track. You don't encourage her. "Well mom, sorry you're having a bad day ... its beautiful outside so the rest of us are going to the park - you're welcome to come if you want ..."

You're not being mean, you're not telling her she can't be sad, you're not telling her she can't stay in her room and pout. You're just telling her that you are an adult, and your life does not revolve around her moods.

If she says "Your father wouldn't have treated me this way!" or anything along those lines, you laugh and say "well, I'm not dad - so I guess we're both stuck with that situation!".

She may be able to adapt somewhat to this. Most people eventually stop behaviors that are not working for them. But you can't tell her to stop - because it won't mean anything. You have to alter your behavior - because that's the only behavior you can control.

Truly best of luck - I hope that she's able to have the surgery, and you're able to come to some peace .. and hopefully the remainder of the time she's with you (not forever!) - things will get better for you and your family..

Who knows, she might even be happier when she realizes that everyone isn't going to give in to her every whim.. sometimes people think that's what they want, but the behaviors trap themselves as much as it does everyone else..
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Old 10-30-2015, 12:16 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,139,589 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
I really don't get why you got yourself into this position. I was caregiver to both my parents, but you couldn't have asked for better parents, and it was still very hard.

That doesn't sound like your situation.

Also you mother is 68 and having knee surgery, that's something she will recover from. It's not like she is 88 and can't live alone.

I would have a chat with your younger brother, in fact why didn't she just go to him?

You need to have a family meeting over the phone and come up with a plan, and tell your mother after the surgery she goes to rehab and than either back to her area or an apartment.

If you don't like it, I wonder what your husband and kids think?

I'm sorry you're in this boat, but the boat came right to your dock and you got in.
You are right, the boat came and I got in.

As far as why she isn't with the younger brother, she didn't want to be a burden to he and his wife. I have another brother but she has alienated him so he very rarely speaks to her.
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Old 10-30-2015, 12:19 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,139,589 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
See, you're already doing it. Let me just get her through this knee surgery.......................and then you know it will be something else.

Did you say she is having knee replacement? They make you get up and walk the very next day, and in a couple days you are expected to walk around the block. If that is what she is having, what is to 'get through'?

Please keep in mind that your learned behaviors enable hers, and the only way you can change your patterns is by conscious choice.

And no, karma is not going to bite you for this.
At this point in time I am okay with karma.

I appreciate your input.
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Old 10-30-2015, 12:21 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,139,589 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
OP -

I applaud you for that. Honestly, a lot of people can't look at their own lives and see the truth..

As far as getting her thru knee surgery - that's great. That's a FINITE event. But you have to make it so - you have to let her know that you are working towards a goal together -- that goal is for her to have a successful surgery and recovery and move out.

And that if it is not successful - what are the options?

If it is successful and she doesn't want to move - what are the options?

Then she can't claim "she didn't know".


As far as her behaviors that you find problematic, you seem to be on the right track. You don't encourage her. "Well mom, sorry you're having a bad day ... its beautiful outside so the rest of us are going to the park - you're welcome to come if you want ..."

You're not being mean, you're not telling her she can't be sad, you're not telling her she can't stay in her room and pout. You're just telling her that you are an adult, and your life does not revolve around her moods.

If she says "Your father wouldn't have treated me this way!" or anything along those lines, you laugh and say "well, I'm not dad - so I guess we're both stuck with that situation!".

She may be able to adapt somewhat to this. Most people eventually stop behaviors that are not working for them. But you can't tell her to stop - because it won't mean anything. You have to alter your behavior - because that's the only behavior you can control.

Truly best of luck - I hope that she's able to have the surgery, and you're able to come to some peace .. and hopefully the remainder of the time she's with you (not forever!) - things will get better for you and your family..

Who knows, she might even be happier when she realizes that everyone isn't going to give in to her every whim.. sometimes people think that's what they want, but the behaviors trap themselves as much as it does everyone else..
Thank you for taking the time to reply and for all your advice.
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Old 10-30-2015, 12:33 PM
 
2,632 posts, read 3,357,300 times
Reputation: 6961
Maybe it would also help to treat her mental health issues.

Time to see her primary care doctor for a physical. Call the doc ahead of time to ask them to screen for depression, and to be discrete about your call.

It is never too late to try to treat mood disorders, if this is contributing.
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