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Old 10-30-2015, 03:01 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,594,508 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
You are right, the boat came and I got in.

As far as why she isn't with the younger brother, she didn't want to be a burden to he and his wife. I have another brother but she has alienated him so he very rarely speaks to her.

See that's wrong right there, you have a husband and kids. Does your brother even have kids?

What about your mother's home?

Sorry you're in this position. But how is she not a burden to you and your family, that would have been my response. It would be different if say she was 20 years older, you were single and retired and didn't have minor children.
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Old 10-30-2015, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by ajzjmsmom View Post
You are right, the boat came and I got in.

As far as why she isn't with the younger brother, she didn't want to be a burden to he and his wife. I have another brother but she has alienated him so he very rarely speaks to her.
Hmmm, she did not want to be a "burden" to her son & spouse, but she feels that it is OK to be "burden" to her daughter & spouse & children?!? Hmmm, that does not sound right or fair to me.

I suggest that you call both of your brothers and find out how they play to share in dealing with Mom.
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Old 10-30-2015, 06:35 PM
Status: "Funny. Like, a clown." (set 6 days ago)
 
1,062 posts, read 634,536 times
Reputation: 2245
If she has complications from knee surgery you.ll never get her on her way. Figure out her plan beforehand to find an over 55 community or aftercare facility. Your husband must have a lotta patience letting MIL stick and stay!
Sorry to be blunt but it isn.t healthy for any of you. The knee surgery is the pathway out the door ... don.t blow it.
My mom decided to go in her sleep at 62. No illnesses other than alittle high blood pressure. Try to savor and make the best of it because you just never know...
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Old 10-30-2015, 08:50 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,138,153 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
See that's wrong right there, you have a husband and kids. Does your brother even have kids?

What about your mother's home?

Sorry you're in this position. But how is she not a burden to you and your family, that would have been my response. It would be different if say she was 20 years older, you were single and retired and didn't have minor children.

Younger brother has a 10 yr old stepson. I also wondered why she thought she would be a burden to him but not me.

Her home is still there.

I would hope that if she were 20 years older I might have a little more tolerance.
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Old 10-30-2015, 08:55 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,138,153 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
Maybe it would also help to treat her mental health issues.

Time to see her primary care doctor for a physical. Call the doc ahead of time to ask them to screen for depression, and to be discrete about your call.

It is never too late to try to treat mood disorders, if this is contributing.
Her new doctor put her on Zoloft a week ago, to soon to see if it or how it is going to work, she goes back to him in 2 weeks.
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Old 10-30-2015, 09:04 PM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,138,153 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earslikeacat View Post
If she has complications from knee surgery you.ll never get her on her way. Figure out her plan beforehand to find an over 55 community or aftercare facility. Your husband must have a lotta patience letting MIL stick and stay!
Sorry to be blunt but it isn.t healthy for any of you. The knee surgery is the pathway out the door ... don.t blow it.
My mom decided to go in her sleep at 62. No illnesses other than alittle high blood pressure. Try to savor and make the best of it because you just never know...
I know that we don't have a promise of tomorrow but as unhappy as she is, I don't think she wants to live a full life. to be honest, all of my kids have a hard time believing she is still alive, as dependent as she was on my father. I think from hearing what she says that she feels extreme guilt because my father died unexpectedly and was supposedly in good health but she had neglected herself for so long and she is still alive. I also think she feels guilty because when my father was being life-flighted for emergency surgery she refused to fly with him and he never woke up from surgery. She refuses to tell me why she wouldn't be with him in last few hours of life just says that she was scared.
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Old 10-30-2015, 09:54 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,140 posts, read 20,313,684 times
Reputation: 26377
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukrkoz View Post
Moderator cut: Thread moved

Just keep in mind one thing. Whatever YOU will put into this situation now, will be exactly same and with some more, that YOU will receive back when your time comes.
People who say that are the ones who have never been in your current situation. You can have a terrible childhood and go on to be a wonderful mother to your own children. You're probably such a good mother to your kids that you're making plans for long-term care insurance, so you never put your kids in the position that you're in now.

Anyhow, since your mother still owns her home, either she should go back to her home or she should sell her home and move into a 55+ community. If she can't afford it, there are low-income senior communities too.

You're not obligated to spend the next 20 years caring for your mother. Why do you think she chose to come to you so she wouldn't inconvenience your brothers? It's because she doesn't think that your feelings, your commitments or your own children are important, not compared to her needs.

Get her through the knee surgery if you need to, in order to feel like you've done your part. And then tell your brothers that you're ready for Mom to move back to her house, or to a senior community, and that it's time for all of you together to figure out how to make that happen, because you're not giving up 20 years of your life to care for her (especially when she doesn't need that much care right now). A senior community would probably be good for her because there would be activities and the opportunity to make friends, right outside her own front door.
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Old 10-30-2015, 09:58 PM
 
4,723 posts, read 13,895,196 times
Reputation: 4706
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
Is this sort of unpleasant veiled threat really necessary?

The OP has a genuine here-and-now problem. I don't see what it has to do with a potential future issue. Feel free, however, to enlighten me.
Agree with you.
I have great sympathy for the OP, sounds like an abused child now responsible for a mom who caused her great pain.
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Old 10-31-2015, 07:20 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,138,153 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
People who say that are the ones who have never been in your current situation. You can have a terrible childhood and go on to be a wonderful mother to your own children. You're probably such a good mother to your kids that you're making plans for long-term care insurance, so you never put your kids in the position that you're in now.

Anyhow, since your mother still owns her home, either she should go back to her home or she should sell her home and move into a 55+ community. If she can't afford it, there are low-income senior communities too.

You're not obligated to spend the next 20 years caring for your mother. Why do you think she chose to come to you so she wouldn't inconvenience your brothers? It's because she doesn't think that your feelings, your commitments or your own children are important, not compared to her needs.

Get her through the knee surgery if you need to, in order to feel like you've done your part. And then tell your brothers that you're ready for Mom to move back to her house, or to a senior community, and that it's time for all of you together to figure out how to make that happen, because you're not giving up 20 years of your life to care for her (especially when she doesn't need that much care right now). A senior community would probably be good for her because there would be activities and the opportunity to make friends, right outside her own front door.
Thank you for your advice and kind words.

I agree a senior community would be wonderful for her, she has isolated herself from others but desperately wants friends. To be honest I don't really understand how her mind works and have never really understood what drives her to be the way she is.
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Old 10-31-2015, 07:22 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,138,153 times
Reputation: 3143
Quote:
Originally Posted by nanannie View Post
Agree with you.
I have great sympathy for the OP, sounds like an abused child now responsible for a mom who caused her great pain.

Thank you for your reply, I really wish I could feel differently about my mother but at this point in time I don't know how to achieve that.
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