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Old 10-30-2015, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Illinois
51 posts, read 57,073 times
Reputation: 311

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No advice, but in a similar case, an open, heart to heart talk with the physician might give some indication of mom's life expectancy. Our approach to doctors is to ask "what would you do?" It's surprising how easily that breaks through the legal talk that doctors are trained to speak.
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Old 10-31-2015, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,355 posts, read 35,864,624 times
Reputation: 62704
OP, here's what you said in another thread:

Quote:
Odds are my mom won't make it thought the New Year. I'm not should even get a job at this point with the way things are between them. My mom falls, etc.& my wife is off in the other side of the house or she's in the shower, etc. Then again after Hospice gets situated maybe then I could get a job. I don't expect my wife do to everything the plan was for her to help mom, take her places to get out run errands with her etc. Once again now that they are not talking to each other I can't work either.
I have some questions:

1. What jobs did you and your wife have when you decided to move from Asheville to southern Georgia to move in with your mom?

2. How did you plan to finance this situation? Your mom can't work, you're not working, and your wife isn't working. Where is the money coming from?

3, You're talking about getting a job in Georgia, but your mom is not likely to live more than two or three more months. Are you planning on moving back to Asheville after she passes away? I mean, your wife's kids are in Asheville. You and your wife miss that area. It seems like you'd be going back to NC soon.

So it doesn't seem like either of you need to establish a long term career in Georgia. Since your wife and your mom are at each others' throats, and since it's YOUR MOM anyway - why doesn't your wife find a job and YOU say home to take care of your mom while your wife works?

This is apparently a short term situation. Have you asked your mom what SHE wants and what SHE expects from you and your wife? Was she happy to have both of you move into her house at this time in her life? Is she reasonable at all about hospice care? Has she accepted the apparent fact that she's only got a few more weeks to live?

Your mom may really begin lashing out at others during these last few weeks and months of her life. My darling grandmother, who loved my kids and me with boundless affection, and who thought her son and daughter in law (my parents) hung the very moon, became very morose and withdrawn and bitter and even said some awful things to people the last few weeks of her life (she died of cancer that had spread all over her body and so she was in a lot of pain if she didn't keep the morphine going). This reached a boiling point the last Christmas we had with her - she had moved in with my parents so they could take care of her during her dying months, and we knew this would be the last Christmas we all shared together, so we made sure we had a big meal, all the kids were there, etc. My grandmother refused to come out of her room. We thought she might be in a lot of pain, but that wasn't the case - she was mad. She was mad because she suddenly realized that life was about to go on without her. For the first time in her LIFE, I heard her say, "I wish someone would make those kids shut up." They weren't being overly loud - they were just being kids at Christmas - but she was sad and bitter and scared and didn't appreciate the reminders all around her that life would carry on without her in a few weeks.

She left no room for doubt about these feelings. She blatantly said, "I'm dying and the rest of you are just going on with your lives," and she turned her head to the wall and refused to get up.

I'm telling you this to illustrate that your mom's feelings are likely to be intensified during these last weeks of her life. She is facing a lot - and is likely to struggle with pain and fear as well. It's your job to do whatever you can within reason to ease her transition. I really don't think that forcing her to be around your wife all day every day is likely to bring her a lot of comfort. And it puts your wife in a very difficult situation as well. Which puts YOU in a difficult situation.

What does your wife say about getting a temporary job while you're both staying short term in Asheville? What do you think about assuming the role of caregiver of your mother while your wife works?
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Old 10-31-2015, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,889 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40787
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
OP, here's what you said in another thread:



I have some questions:

1. What jobs did you and your wife have when you decided to move from Asheville to southern Georgia to move in with your mom?

2. How did you plan to finance this situation? Your mom can't work, you're not working, and your wife isn't working. Where is the money coming from?

3, You're talking about getting a job in Georgia, but your mom is not likely to live more than two or three more months. Are you planning on moving back to Asheville after she passes away? I mean, your wife's kids are in Asheville. You and your wife miss that area. It seems like you'd be going back to NC soon.

So it doesn't seem like either of you need to establish a long term career in Georgia. Since your wife and your mom are at each others' throats, and since it's YOUR MOM anyway - why doesn't your wife find a job and YOU say home to take care of your mom while your wife works?

This is apparently a short term situation. Have you asked your mom what SHE wants and what SHE expects from you and your wife? Was she happy to have both of you move into her house at this time in her life? Is she reasonable at all about hospice care? Has she accepted the apparent fact that she's only got a few more weeks to live?

Your mom may really begin lashing out at others during these last few weeks and months of her life. My darling grandmother, who loved my kids and me with boundless affection, and who thought her son and daughter in law (my parents) hung the very moon, became very morose and withdrawn and bitter and even said some awful things to people the last few weeks of her life (she died of cancer that had spread all over her body and so she was in a lot of pain if she didn't keep the morphine going). This reached a boiling point the last Christmas we had with her - she had moved in with my parents so they could take care of her during her dying months, and we knew this would be the last Christmas we all shared together, so we made sure we had a big meal, all the kids were there, etc. My grandmother refused to come out of her room. We thought she might be in a lot of pain, but that wasn't the case - she was mad. She was mad because she suddenly realized that life was about to go on without her. For the first time in her LIFE, I heard her say, "I wish someone would make those kids shut up." They weren't being overly loud - they were just being kids at Christmas - but she was sad and bitter and scared and didn't appreciate the reminders all around her that life would carry on without her in a few weeks.

She left no room for doubt about these feelings. She blatantly said, "I'm dying and the rest of you are just going on with your lives," and she turned her head to the wall and refused to get up.

I'm telling you this to illustrate that your mom's feelings are likely to be intensified during these last weeks of her life. She is facing a lot - and is likely to struggle with pain and fear as well. It's your job to do whatever you can within reason to ease her transition. I really don't think that forcing her to be around your wife all day every day is likely to bring her a lot of comfort. And it puts your wife in a very difficult situation as well. Which puts YOU in a difficult situation.

What does your wife say about getting a temporary job while you're both staying short term in Asheville? What do you think about assuming the role of caregiver of your mother while your wife works?
Excellent points.
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Old 10-31-2015, 04:58 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,088 posts, read 8,988,190 times
Reputation: 9544
[quote=KathrynAragon;41757673]OP, here's what you said in another thread:



I have some questions:

1. What jobs did you and your wife have when you decided to move from Asheville to southern Georgia to move in with your mom?


We did this to be closer to her. She asked us to move in we had thought about renting a place but we can't always be here if she falls or has an accident.

2. How did you plan to finance this situation? Your mom can't work, you're not working, and your wife isn't working. Where is the money coming from?

We have a bit of money put aside but it's going more quickly then we would of liked.


3, You're talking about getting a job in Georgia, but your mom is not likely to live more than two or three more months. Are you planning on moving back to Asheville after she passes away? I mean, your wife's kids are in Asheville. You and your wife miss that area. It seems like you'd be going back to NC soon.


No, We can't go back to Asheville the place we were renting is taken by someone else already & for the price & location you can't rent a box for that. We plant to stay here for a while the house will be paid for & we can regroup. Our original plan because she got really sick was move to Oregon, we still might but that's on hold for a while.

So it doesn't seem like either of you need to establish a long term career in Georgia. Since your wife and your mom are at each others' throats, and since it's YOUR MOM anyway - why doesn't your wife find a job and YOU say home to take care of your mom while your wife works?

I think we are both going to find jobs more so because we still have to keep paying the monthly bills. I could go into more detail how my mom has always been..... well difficult to say the least. And that's being nice to be honest. Her & I have a VERY dysfunctional relationship, that's putting it mildly.

This is apparently a short term situation. Have you asked your mom what SHE wants and what SHE expects from you and your wife? Was she happy to have both of you move into her house at this time in her life? Is she reasonable at all about hospice care? Has she accepted the apparent fact that she's only got a few more weeks to live?

My mom wants & expects us to pretty much wait on her hand & foot. I get that to some extent but she doesn't want us to go out & get away for a bit & give us time to take a breath.
She wants us here but she doesn't. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but her & us being that we are here. It's possible that she won't make it though the holidays then again she might. The only other hospice place here is coming this Monday to be honest I feel for the person who is going to be coming here. Then again they won't be family she's nicer to those who are not close to her. She has always wanted me to stay with her & grow old with her not having a life of my own but one she chooses for me. My wife THE other women no matter who that women is, even if it was a women of her choosing.

Please understand I love my mom & here are times where we have never been really close to each other. We have never seen eye to eye on anything for her I am my fathers son & I will forever pay for the sins of what my dad did to her as well as everyone else who has hurt her.
That might seems harsh & uncaring & unless you knew the full story of my moms mental health & what's she's been though, then please don't pass judgment on me or her.
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Old 11-11-2015, 08:21 AM
 
7,911 posts, read 7,242,975 times
Reputation: 6258
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
OP, here's what you said in another thread:



I have some questions:

1. What jobs did you and your wife have when you decided to move from Asheville to southern Georgia to move in with your mom?

2. How did you plan to finance this situation? Your mom can't work, you're not working, and your wife isn't working. Where is the money coming from?

3, You're talking about getting a job in Georgia, but your mom is not likely to live more than two or three more months. Are you planning on moving back to Asheville after she passes away? I mean, your wife's kids are in Asheville. You and your wife miss that area. It seems like you'd be going back to NC soon.

So it doesn't seem like either of you need to establish a long term career in Georgia. Since your wife and your mom are at each others' throats, and since it's YOUR MOM anyway - why doesn't your wife find a job and YOU say home to take care of your mom while your wife works?

This is apparently a short term situation. Have you asked your mom what SHE wants and what SHE expects from you and your wife? Was she happy to have both of you move into her house at this time in her life? Is she reasonable at all about hospice care? Has she accepted the apparent fact that she's only got a few more weeks to live?

Your mom may really begin lashing out at others during these last few weeks and months of her life. My darling grandmother, who loved my kids and me with boundless affection, and who thought her son and daughter in law (my parents) hung the very moon, became very morose and withdrawn and bitter and even said some awful things to people the last few weeks of her life (she died of cancer that had spread all over her body and so she was in a lot of pain if she didn't keep the morphine going). This reached a boiling point the last Christmas we had with her - she had moved in with my parents so they could take care of her during her dying months, and we knew this would be the last Christmas we all shared together, so we made sure we had a big meal, all the kids were there, etc. My grandmother refused to come out of her room. We thought she might be in a lot of pain, but that wasn't the case - she was mad. She was mad because she suddenly realized that life was about to go on without her. For the first time in her LIFE, I heard her say, "I wish someone would make those kids shut up." They weren't being overly loud - they were just being kids at Christmas - but she was sad and bitter and scared and didn't appreciate the reminders all around her that life would carry on without her in a few weeks.

She left no room for doubt about these feelings. She blatantly said, "I'm dying and the rest of you are just going on with your lives," and she turned her head to the wall and refused to get up.

I'm telling you this to illustrate that your mom's feelings are likely to be intensified during these last weeks of her life. She is facing a lot - and is likely to struggle with pain and fear as well. It's your job to do whatever you can within reason to ease her transition. I really don't think that forcing her to be around your wife all day every day is likely to bring her a lot of comfort. And it puts your wife in a very difficult situation as well. Which puts YOU in a difficult situation.

What does your wife say about getting a temporary job while you're both staying short term in Asheville? What do you think about assuming the role of caregiver of your mother while your wife works?
And before that, he was planning for 10 years with his mom. 10 years in a town with no jobs sounds fishy. Even so, inherit a home with a $100/mo mortgage, dump the kids, and one could easily make ends meet on two min-wage jobs or on Social Security. Maybe he sold his soon-to-be-ex-wife a bill of goods by telling her his mom was soon to leave this world...

My moral dilemma with mom.
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Old 11-11-2015, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,355 posts, read 35,864,624 times
Reputation: 62704
Quote:
Originally Posted by lchoro View Post
And before that, he was planning for 10 years with his mom. 10 years in a town with no jobs sounds fishy. Even so, inherit a home with a $100/mo mortgage, dump the kids, and one could easily make ends meet on two min-wage jobs or on Social Security. Maybe he sold his soon-to-be-ex-wife a bill of goods by telling her his mom was soon to leave this world...

My moral dilemma with mom.
Hmmmm, the plot thickens.
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