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Old 11-14-2015, 07:27 AM
 
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Update:

As I stated in my original post, he told me that he would go to a new PCP, then on to the Liver Tumor Clinic in Ann Arbor. Then, the day before the appt, he told me that he wasn't going to go!

I KNOW it's his life. But, I asked him if he was sure he would go, because I was scheduling personal time off work. He said that he would. So, now I feel hurt, sad and angry. I feel like I've been fighting alone while the people around me stand there, looking aloof. I feel lied to. I feel as though I've been smacked in the face.

So, now I get to watch him go to doctors who have this attitude of lack of urgency because he's going to die anyway.

At least I can remind myself that I did my best and did all that I could. Little consolation.
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Old 11-14-2015, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,361,139 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
Update:

As I stated in my original post, he told me that he would go to a new PCP, then on to the Liver Tumor Clinic in Ann Arbor. Then, the day before the appt, he told me that he wasn't going to go!

I KNOW it's his life. But, I asked him if he was sure he would go, because I was scheduling personal time off work. He said that he would. So, now I feel hurt, sad and angry. I feel like I've been fighting alone while the people around me stand there, looking aloof. I feel lied to. I feel as though I've been smacked in the face.

So, now I get to watch him go to doctors who have this attitude of lack of urgency because he's going to die anyway.

At least I can remind myself that I did my best and did all that I could. Little consolation.
I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. At times when my husband was fighting cancer, other serious illnesses or after his traumatic brain injury I simply had to insist that he go to the doctor or do certain things. Of course, I was his wife, of decades, so I had more "power" & control over him emotionally.

Once, he had severe symptoms, that concerned me very much, and he refused to go the hospital, so I called 911 and he still refused to go to the hospital. The paramedics recommended that I call the police to assist. Trust me, when someone has four police officers "suggesting" that he get into the ambulance even someone who does not want to go, gets into the ambulance. This was several years ago, and going to the hospital that day saved my husband's life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. (BTW, while calling the police worked in that situation, I don't know if I would try it again).

Also, at one point, his Power of Attorney for Healthcare was "activated" so legally I could decide what needed to be done regarding his health and medical issues. And, there were several/many times over the years when I simply made decisions for him (like when he was in a coma or was severely disoriented) even though the POA was not "activated". As "only" a GF, it probably would be very different for you.

Has he been talking with a counselor or psychiatrist about his upcoming death? Perhaps, he has come to accept it. OTOH, perhaps he has not been seeking additional treatment options because he is depressed and has given up hope and should be seeing a psychiatrist who may prescribe ant-depressants or other medications to allow him to think more clearly.

If you really, truly feel that he is not doing what is best for him and that he will regret his decisions later perhaps you should discuss it with his doctors and see if they feel that he is still in "his right mind" and able to make decisions for himself. If they feel that he is NOT capable of making decisions it just takes two doctors (I believe) to "activate" the POA for Healthcare and allow whoever is named to make medical decisions for him.

I wish you and your SO the best.

Last edited by germaine2626; 11-14-2015 at 10:39 AM..
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Old 11-18-2015, 04:16 AM
 
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Thank you, Germaine.

* * *

Thoughts and prayers today please. My guy gets the results of his latest MRI. We find out if the radiation therapy worked on a liver tumor.

Yesterday, he asked me if he would still be able to get new appointments for the Drs that I had lined up, so he's re-thinking the whole thing.
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Old 04-18-2016, 07:34 PM
 
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A bit of an update:

My first post was in November. It's now April and my SO has decided to agree to a second opinion. I know that he will go through with it this time, because he has changed the Dr name on his health insurance website and he has signed the medical records release forms.

I am full of all sorts of emotions and feelings. It is all hard to put into words.

I still feel that the health system he has been in was never good enough. And I hope when the referring Dr sees him, he gets admitted solely for the purpose of filling him with fluids, vitamins, nutrients and quick tests. Or course I don't want him in the hospital, but urgency is important regardless of the outcome.
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Old 04-18-2016, 07:54 PM
 
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Well done.

Take a breath.

Now take his hand, and go....
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Old 04-19-2016, 07:18 AM
 
Location: somewhere
4,264 posts, read 8,157,083 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
A bit of an update:

My first post was in November. It's now April and my SO has decided to agree to a second opinion. I know that he will go through with it this time, because he has changed the Dr name on his health insurance website and he has signed the medical records release forms.

I am full of all sorts of emotions and feelings. It is all hard to put into words.

I still feel that the health system he has been in was never good enough. And I hope when the referring Dr sees him, he gets admitted solely for the purpose of filling him with fluids, vitamins, nutrients and quick tests. Or course I don't want him in the hospital, but urgency is important regardless of the outcome.
I am glad to hear he has agreed to a second opinion and taken the necessary steps to get it.
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Old 04-19-2016, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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Thank you for the update.

Good luck to you and your SO.
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Old 04-28-2016, 05:47 PM
 
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Yesterday, we went to a new Primary Care Physician who we had to see to get a referral to the "new" hospital. I like the new PCP and plan on becoming a new patient of her as well. She raised questions (that I hope get his gears whirring) about his care at the "other hospital" (and I use the word "hospital" loosely LOL).

Tomorrow we will be going to the research/teaching hospital to get a second opinion. I am hoping that he decides that THIS is where he should be.
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Old 04-28-2016, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,879 posts, read 2,382,671 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
A bit of an update:

My first post was in November. It's now April and my SO has decided to agree to a second opinion. I know that he will go through with it this time, because he has changed the Dr name on his health insurance website and he has signed the medical records release forms.

I am full of all sorts of emotions and feelings. It is all hard to put into words.

I still feel that the health system he has been in was never good enough. And I hope when the referring Dr sees him, he gets admitted solely for the purpose of filling him with fluids, vitamins, nutrients and quick tests. Or course I don't want him in the hospital, but urgency is important regardless of the outcome.
What your SO has been going through is precisely what's described by many as the 7 stages of Grief~ From your description he fits perfectly..I can only wish for you both strength at this point..think positive as long as you can..This is always such a difficult road to walk..and Your SO is so lucky to have you

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

1. SHOCK & DENIAL- * SO denying
2. PAIN & GUILT- * SO fear of causing financial stress to you OP
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- * SO get testy when answer your questions OP
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5 THE UPWARD TURN- * SO finally realizes he can't deny anymore and welcomes your support OP
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- * SO now agrees to work with his loved one and attempt to get the help he was denying thru first 4 steps!
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- * SO has finally accepted his issue and thru YOU OP hopes for that miracle <hearts>
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Old 04-28-2016, 06:50 PM
 
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I saw the Seven Stages on this site a few days ago. I started reading it, but there are things that I just can't read, because it's so real (if that make any sense).

It's strange, because he has only had targeted radiation and chemo, so I don't see him getting sick (thankfully). Since he is still walking and functioning, it's somewhat easy to pretend that it isn't happening. He has lost a lot of weight and is skin and bones. Yet, I can see that he is weaker, and he can sleep 24 hours away, which is scary. That, I can't pretend away. I have bouts of feelings one way then the other.

I have been told that I am going through what is called "anticipatory grief".

He is going where he belongs tomorrow, and for that I'm grateful.
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