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Most of the things you talked about, I would also just let it go and not let it get under my skin so much. To me, it is no big deal if she only takes one bite out of an onion ring or fake eating, just have things like ensure or boost on hand for her to drink. I'm sure family and friends are aware of your mother's situation and understand what is going on and what you have to go through. My mother had dementia and almost everything you talked about reminded me of her and what I went through. Pray for patience and let her have her moments, just be there for her and love her just the same.
Some of this is going to play out in public, so you cant be worrying about who is watching or how things must be looking to other people. You have to take those moments with a grain of salt and move on, just love her love her love her, and love her some more, you will miss her when she is gone. Learn to laugh about things and give yourself a break from time to time. Keep your stress in check and take care of your self as well.
She's not accepting that she's no longer the sexy beautiful woman she once was. Do you think when she's around you, she's reminded how much younger you are?
A woman I knew who was 80 was wearing a blouse unbuttoned a bit too low. I buttoned it up one notch. She unbuttoned it, obviously wanting it where she had it. I know some women have a more difficult time becoming old than others.
Most of the things you talked about, I would also just let it go and not let it get under my skin so much. To me, it is no big deal if she only takes one bite out of an onion ring or fake eating, just have things like ensure or boost on hand for her to drink.
She won't put that stuff in her body! I'm telling you, she's anorexic or something.
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I'm sure family and friends are aware of your mother's situation and understand what is going on and what you have to go through. My mother had dementia and almost everything you talked about reminded me of her and what I went through. Pray for patience and let her have her moments, just be there for her and love her just the same.
That's true and good advice. And you're right - I do need to literally pray for patience and wisdom with her.
I don't want to make it sound like I don't let her have her moments - I DO let her have them, it's MY inner irritation and tension that I know is a big problem. Believe me, it's much easier to let her have her moments. I think what bothers me so much is that in the past, "having her moments" meant that everyone in the family catered to her emotional ups and downs and allowed her to be actually abusive. So just letting go when she's irritating me is hard. Harder than I think it should be. Maybe I need counseling.
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Some of this is going to play out in public, so you cant be worrying about who is watching or how things must be looking to other people. You have to take those moments with a grain of salt and move on, just love her love her love her, and love her some more, you will miss her when she is gone. Learn to laugh about things and give yourself a break from time to time. Keep your stress in check and take care of your self as well.
She's not accepting that she's no longer the sexy beautiful woman she once was. Do you think when she's around you, she's reminded how much younger you are?
A woman I knew who was 80 was wearing a blouse unbuttoned a bit too low. I buttoned it up one notch. She unbuttoned it, obviously wanting it where she had it. I know some women have a more difficult time becoming old than others.
She's always been very aware of her beauty, which has always been exceptional. Even now, even thirty pounds underweight and elderly, she's a beautiful elderly woman. Besides being a natural beauty, she has always been very tall and graceful so she's always had a lot of attention regarding her looks. She did some modeling when she was younger. Truly a beauty and she's never been a pound overweight, which is why this sudden obsession with being so "slim" is surprising and disturbing.
I've never been her equal when it comes to looks, and I'm OK with that. So I don't really think she's jealous of me. I do think she is very fixated on her own looks though. Even at this time in her life, she spends a lot of time - a LOT of time - dressing and accessorizing every day, painting her nails, messing around with her hair, going through her clothes (she buys a lot of clothes), picking out scarves and accessories, etc. And she always, always comes in and asks my dad's opinion on what she's wearing. Every single day. She expects to be complimented and told she's beautiful, every day.
She refuses to wear sleeves that show her arms (age spots) and she also insists on wearing scarves every single day because she doesn't like the skin on her neck. She was doing this long before she lost all the weight -in any weather. Honestly I thought that was weird several years ago. It gets very hot here - and she'd be wearing long sleeves and a scarf because she was self conscious about very natural and normal age spots and loose neck skin (believe me, her neck didn't look bizarre or even note worthy, not then and not now).
She won't put that stuff in her body! I'm telling you, she's anorexic or something.
That's true and good advice. And you're right - I do need to literally pray for patience and wisdom with her.
I don't want to make it sound like I don't let her have her moments - I DO let her have them, it's MY inner irritation and tension that I know is a big problem. Believe me, it's much easier to let her have her moments. I think what bothers me so much is that in the past, "having her moments" meant that everyone in the family catered to her emotional ups and downs and allowed her to be actually abusive. So just letting go when she's irritating me is hard. Harder than I think it should be. Maybe I need counseling.
Thank you so much for these kind words.
You are very welcome op, you just hang in there and be as strong as you can be. I'll have you and your family in my prayers and thoughts.
I didn't read all of the posts, so I apologize if I repeat an idea. Your story about your mom and her glasses reminds of my mom and her hearing aid. She bought them and then refused to wear them. She thought that simply buying them would shut us up about her need for them.
I tell you this because I believe that her refusal to wear the hearing aids had a direct correlation to facing the fact that she was losing her hearing, making her feel out-of-control. And yes, old. I even pointed out to her that some young children have to wear hearing aids. That didn't phase her.
Your mom, when getting dressed may not be in the right frame of mind for buttoning a shirt straight. Or she IS in the right frame of mind, but doesn't notice that she has buttoned crooked. OR she doesn't have those glasses that she needs on at the time. BUT pointing out the buttons may make her feel incapable and out-of-control once again.
My only solution to her taking up most of the booth at a restaurant is to sit on the same side as your father.
Loss of independence is a horrible thing. And it's something all of us have to "look forward to".
I didn't read all of the posts, so I apologize if I repeat an idea. Your story about your mom and her glasses reminds of my mom and her hearing aid. She bought them and then refused to wear them. She thought that simply buying them would shut us up about her need for them.
I tell you this because I believe that her refusal to wear the hearing aids had a direct correlation to facing the fact that she was losing her hearing, making her feel out-of-control. And yes, old. I even pointed out to her that some young children have to wear hearing aids. That didn't phase her.
Your mom, when getting dressed may not be in the right frame of mind for buttoning a shirt straight. Or she IS in the right frame of mind, but doesn't notice that she has buttoned crooked. OR she doesn't have those glasses that she needs on at the time. BUT pointing out the buttons may make her feel incapable and out-of-control once again.
My only solution to her taking up most of the booth at a restaurant is to sit on the same side as your father.
Loss of independence is a horrible thing. And it's something all of us have to "look forward to".
LOL you didn't miss much not reading all my posts - I'm mostly venting. I admit to using this forum sometimes to express my thoughts and emotions about caregiving as a form of venting. The great thing is, that so many people here really do understand and give good advice and at the very least, some TLC or kind thoughts and prayers.
I totally agree that she's feeling like she's losing control. She has always been a very dominant personality and she's striven for control in every given situation - it's her modus operandum. So this lack of control must be very scary to her.
LOL as far as the restaurant goes, I think she would be really offended and weirded out if I sat next to my father instead of her. I'll just keep sitting scrunched up over on one end. It won't kill me.
Or I'll say, "Mom, scoot over, you're crowding me," to which she'll say, "Well, I'm not taking up any more room than usual, and you're making a mountain out of a molehill as usual and besides that, your purse is as big as mine and honestly, you'd complain about anything I did anyway. But just to suit you, because you're so bossy and particular, I'll scoot over and be sure I'm not IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE. And isn't that a ridiculous phrase anyway - personal space. What it really means is don't touch me or I'll be offended. I'm going to start calling it Kathryn Space instead. There - I made up a cute phrase - Kathryn Space. Don't get in that Kathryn Space because she'll be sure to call your hand on it! You're lucky I have a sense of humor - if I didn't I couldn't put up with you and your dad and your incessant criticism."
Then she'll roll her eyes and make a big show of "scooting over" and saying, "Is that enough? What about now, is that enough?" and I'll be sitting there thinking, "It's easier just to be crowded." Which is exactly what she wants people to think.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 11-01-2015 at 06:09 PM..
Please think long and hard if she needs your constant attention and supervision at this late stage when she is literally, falling apart. She is becoming a toddler in her thoughts and emotions. Reminding her of it constantly may not be helping. The road to hell and all that.
Please think long and hard if she needs your constant attention and supervision at this late stage when she is literally, falling apart. She is becoming a toddler in her thoughts and emotions. Reminding her of it constantly may not be helping. The road to hell and all that.
It wont be long now, if that's any consolation.
No, no - this is my MOTHER I'm talking about, not my mother in law. I've got all this stuff going on, on several fronts. My FIL and MIL were both critically ill for the past two years, my FIL just passed away a few weeks ago, and my MIL is the one in the memory care center about to die.
My mother is not near death. FAR FROM IT. She probably has years and years ahead of her, unless she starves herself to death first. Other than the stroke, which happened inexplicably ten years ago (she doesn't have any risk factors for a stroke), and other than whatever mental thing is going on now, my mother is healthy physically. Great blood pressure, good lab work, no prescriptions at all, never had to have surgery or anything. Absolutely no conditions other than a stroke she recovered from pretty well ten years ago. She still walks about a mile every day, cooks, etc. She doesn't even use a cane.
My MIL is the one in terrible shape. My mom - not so much, other than this self inflicted starvation.
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