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Old 11-09-2015, 09:01 AM
 
10,364 posts, read 8,365,562 times
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Your brother has made it clear he is no hands-on caregiver. His loss - but unfortunately, it's also a loss for the rest of your family.

Is there a possibility he might help financially? It sounds as if he isn't hurting for money, since he's posting photos of all his fun activities on Facebook...

So, make a list of your mom's weekly or monthly regular expenses. Factor in what it would cost if she were paying you for your assistance: housecleaning, chauffeuring, lady's maid, etc. Check the costs with home care agencies. You may be surprised at the value of your services. Do the same for your helpful brother's assistance.

Then clue in the clueless one. Tell him it's clear that he's not going to be around in person very much, but you and your other brother - and most of all, your mother - need help, and this is a way that he can provide it without being personally involved. And when he balks, as he predictably will, remind him of all those fun photos on Facebook. He's been out playing around while the rest of his family is struggling. He will not doubt claim that it's just too painful to be around Mom as she now is, and that all his playtime is an effort to get away from the sadness and worry for a little while. Trouble is, he never has been there with the sadness and worry in the first place. Nail him on this if you have to. Tell him you know it's hard - you live it - but that he'll feel much better, both now and later, if he knows he has helped in some way. And since he can't/won't help personally, then financial help will have to substitute.

If he comes through, put that $$$ to use to help your mom's situation. Hire a caregiver for one morning or afternoon a week, and use that time for yourself. Hire someone to clean house and do yard work. Buy your mom pretty, easy to get into stretchy knit outfits - tell her it's an early Christmas present from prodigal brother. Pay some utility or grocery bills, or put gas in the tank.

Good luck - no guarantee this will work, but venting to your no-good brother may help you feel better! Whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty about confronting him. He has richly earned a confrontation. Perhaps your other brother could join you when you address this with lazy boy brother, to strengthen your already strong case.

Hope things ease up - best wishes to you, your better brother, and most of all, your mother.
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Old 11-09-2015, 09:58 AM
 
39,136 posts, read 20,262,677 times
Reputation: 12696
Craig, I like your idea. He is doing ok financially but not great, the same with my other brother. I've done the best and it seems that is why they think I should be picking up the total financial tab too. Maybe once they got a hard look at what this is costing they would wake up and pitch in. Then again, when this first happened the brother that won't help solution was to "just put her in a nursing home" so I don't expect it.

As I said, my mother is fully aware of what is going on and she is hurt, not that she wants to need anyone's help but she did do everything she could to raise all of us with a good family home. She said she does not want to say anything because he will use his daughter and never bring her around. She wants to know her granddaughter.

Oh well, how people can justify and live with themselves is beyond me. If a family member can't be there to help when one is down, there is nothing left to believe in people.

Thank you Craig.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Your brother has made it clear he is no hands-on caregiver. His loss - but unfortunately, it's also a loss for the rest of your family.

Is there a possibility he might help financially? It sounds as if he isn't hurting for money, since he's posting photos of all his fun activities on Facebook...

So, make a list of your mom's weekly or monthly regular expenses. Factor in what it would cost if she were paying you for your assistance: housecleaning, chauffeuring, lady's maid, etc. Check the costs with home care agencies. You may be surprised at the value of your services. Do the same for your helpful brother's assistance.

Then clue in the clueless one. Tell him it's clear that he's not going to be around in person very much, but you and your other brother - and most of all, your mother - need help, and this is a way that he can provide it without being personally involved. And when he balks, as he predictably will, remind him of all those fun photos on Facebook. He's been out playing around while the rest of his family is struggling. He will not doubt claim that it's just too painful to be around Mom as she now is, and that all his playtime is an effort to get away from the sadness and worry for a little while. Trouble is, he never has been there with the sadness and worry in the first place. Nail him on this if you have to. Tell him you know it's hard - you live it - but that he'll feel much better, both now and later, if he knows he has helped in some way. And since he can't/won't help personally, then financial help will have to substitute.

If he comes through, put that $$$ to use to help your mom's situation. Hire a caregiver for one morning or afternoon a week, and use that time for yourself. Hire someone to clean house and do yard work. Buy your mom pretty, easy to get into stretchy knit outfits - tell her it's an early Christmas present from prodigal brother. Pay some utility or grocery bills, or put gas in the tank.

Good luck - no guarantee this will work, but venting to your no-good brother may help you feel better! Whatever you do, do NOT feel guilty about confronting him. He has richly earned a confrontation. Perhaps your other brother could join you when you address this with lazy boy brother, to strengthen your already strong case.

Hope things ease up - best wishes to you, your better brother, and most of all, your mother.

Last edited by petch751; 11-09-2015 at 10:11 AM..
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Old 11-09-2015, 10:16 AM
 
1,614 posts, read 1,210,147 times
Reputation: 2646
See where you have simmered down from your original post and got the help you needed. Once all is sorted out it still can be mind boggleing to get used to and a financial burden. Our family had the same thing but we had willing husbands who did their share which was a relief as all of us except my husband worked. He kept her yard and gardens looking beautiful and would be there early in morning to give her the daily meds. I would get her groceries for her and my sister would pay the household bills she ran short of money on. When you work together things can run so smoothly. Could you ask the absent brother if he could volunteer himself to do a few things to help by doing a service that you may now pay for? Or picking mom up and take to an appt or just for a ride. My mom loved when I would bring her a warm soup and warm bread and we'd eat lunch. I missed if your mother is mobile and could be left alone or if she has to have constant monitoring. My mother was able to live alone but needed a daily check and we also had a neighbor who would visit her and do checks also. We finally had to place her in a facility as her dementia got in the unsafe range. Good luck and although it can be stressful for you you will have no regrets later by doing for her.
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Old 11-09-2015, 10:21 AM
 
37,898 posts, read 14,764,101 times
Reputation: 24225
Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post

Oh well, how people can justify and live with themselves is beyond me. If a family member can't be there to help when one is down, there is nothing left to believe in people.
Every family has such people. They are self-centered, viewing everything through what-does-this-mean-for-me eyes.

In our family, it was a sister that my mom always favored. Mom would have loved to live with my sister, even suggested it numerous times. But sister said that she was not able to do that. Period. She visited once a week and that was that.

Mom was so hurt that her favorite daughter, the one she thought would care for her in her old age had turned her back on her.

As luck would have it, when the feathers settled after her death, that sister was right there in line when the estate was divided up.

Haven't spoke with her since. Doubt I ever will.
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Old 11-09-2015, 11:00 AM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,601,942 times
Reputation: 33956
Quote:
Originally Posted by luv my dayton View Post
See where you have simmered down from your original post and got the help you needed. Once all is sorted out it still can be mind boggleing to get used to and a financial burden. Our family had the same thing but we had willing husbands who did their share which was a relief as all of us except my husband worked. He kept her yard and gardens looking beautiful and would be there early in morning to give her the daily meds. I would get her groceries for her and my sister would pay the household bills she ran short of money on. When you work together things can run so smoothly. Could you ask the absent brother if he could volunteer himself to do a few things to help by doing a service that you may now pay for? Or picking mom up and take to an appt or just for a ride. My mom loved when I would bring her a warm soup and warm bread and we'd eat lunch. I missed if your mother is mobile and could be left alone or if she has to have constant monitoring. My mother was able to live alone but needed a daily check and we also had a neighbor who would visit her and do checks also. We finally had to place her in a facility as her dementia got in the unsafe range. Good luck and although it can be stressful for you you will have no regrets later by doing for her.
Where on earth did you get the OP has it all sorted out?

I know you mean well, but you're not getting the dynamics of the situation. You really have to be a caregiver with a do nothing sibling in order to understand what the OP is dealing with.

At best, the OP might get the brother to kick in some money, at best. Doubtful that an adult child who doesn't want to be bothered with direct "hands on " help is going to now pitch in.

Sorry, you're comparing your situation which is completely different with people who cared, to the OP's situation with a do nothing non caring brother.

You did not have the same thing. You had a situation where siblings and spouses pitched in, that's great, but that is not what the OP is talking about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Every family has such people. They are self-centered, viewing everything through what-does-this-mean-for-me eyes.

In our family, it was a sister that my mom always favored. Mom would have loved to live with my sister, even suggested it numerous times. But sister said that she was not able to do that. Period. She visited once a week and that was that.

Mom was so hurt that her favorite daughter, the one she thought would care for her in her old age had turned her back on her.

As luck would have it, when the feathers settled after her death, that sister was right there in line when the estate was divided up.

Haven't spoke with her since. Doubt I ever will.
^^^^this is what the OP is talking about.

And yes, they always manage to show up once the parent is gone. It's amazing, they can't lift a finger to help even when you plead for help, but the minute the parent is gone, they're on the scene.
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Old 11-09-2015, 11:00 AM
 
4,644 posts, read 6,455,118 times
Reputation: 5388
Caregiving is tough period so I fully understand the OP. Been there and done that and it is stressful. Here's what I found out. For many it's just a case of out of sight, out of mind. That is until the Estate becomes an issue. I for one know exactly where your coming from.

If you haven't already make sure your mother's affairs are in order. Make sure she has her Power Of Attorney, Health Care Directives, and an up to date Will or Trust. Also her beneficiary designations on financial papers especially bank accounts. I say this because when she goes to her reward a long time from now that's when all hell is really going to break out.

Good luck and stay strong.
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Old 11-09-2015, 12:46 PM
 
37,898 posts, read 14,764,101 times
Reputation: 24225
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
And yes, they always manage to show up once the parent is gone. It's amazing, they can't lift a finger to help even when you plead for help, but the minute the parent is gone, they're on the scene.
At the funeral, sobbing, carrying on, hugging everybody.

Posting on Facebook about the passing of their angel mother.

And, of course, when it comes time to divvy up the estate, they are right there front and center.

I like to think of it as they are saving their strength for the tasks ahead.
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Old 11-09-2015, 12:47 PM
 
37,898 posts, read 14,764,101 times
Reputation: 24225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caltovegas View Post
\
If you haven't already make sure your mother's affairs are in order. Make sure she has her Power Of Attorney, Health Care Directives, and an up to date Will or Trust. Also her beneficiary designations on financial papers especially bank accounts. I say this because when she goes to her reward a long time from now that's when all hell is really going to break out.

Good luck and stay strong.
Yes indeed. Get these matters in order now.
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:06 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
9,352 posts, read 16,776,804 times
Reputation: 11458
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
When you take your emotions out of it perhaps you will understand exactly what I mean.
I understand she is HIS Mother as well but have you thought that maybe YOU are emotionally stronger than him and can deal with this situation better?

As far as your decision regarding him being "dead" to you, that is your choice, hopefully it is not a choice you will regret after he is really dead.

emotional strength has NOT A THING to do with this.... I, too, have a brother who was absolutely useless in helping with our mother..... and in fact, I had to take over her finances a couple of years before I moved her up here because he was nickel and dimiing and dollaring her to death......

Over the ENTIRE eight years she was in a nursing home here, my brother and his family visited maybe TWICE.... and always on MY dime because I wanted my mother to see her son and grandson.....

He just couldn't handle seeing her in such a deteriorated condition.... HIS words..... made me sick.....

and yes, I have cut contact with him over the past several years.....
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:11 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,708 posts, read 4,127,267 times
Reputation: 15332
I was the one who cleaned out my mother's house after she passed. Cleaning out your mother's personal things out of her closets and drawers and cupboards is so difficult, made more difficult because you are already in a horrible emotional state. Everything you touch has a memory.

Now, years later, one of my brothers (the greedy one) will look around at my house and sees something that used to be our mother's. He'll say "you got everything from mom's house". My reply? I had to HIRE a girlfriend to help clean it. Where were YOU or your wife when it was time to clear out mom's house? (he was b*tching about small stuff because anything worth $$ was split evenly amongst us siblings)

OP, when the time ever comes that you have to clean out your mom's house, remember, you don't owe your lazy, good for nothing and no-help brother, ANYTHING!!!

Family members like him make you wish your mother would cut him out, or at least reduce the amount he will be getting from her will.
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