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Old 11-11-2015, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,843 posts, read 25,246,623 times
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You need to tell your mother that your wife comes first. In front of your wife!
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,107 posts, read 9,006,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Then honestly, you have no business moving your wife in with her. And your wife had no business doing so - surely she knew your mom is hateful.

Come to think of it, why did YOU move in with your mom knowing she is such an awful woman - putting your wife into such a situation, and knowing you and your wife would be leaving her school aged kids far behind?

Now your wife, instead of moving back to Asheville to be near her kids, is talking about aping off to Nebraska..

My knew that my was difficult at times & even BEFORE we moved down here I told her this very thing. Again she was warned. Read previous posts...


Because of her health & unlimited time known time to live we thought she might mellow out. I was wrong.
Her kids are none of your or anyone else concern. They are well taken care of & live with their dad by choice.
The Asheville thing as been repeated over & over again sorry that you missed it.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:02 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,096 times
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I waited as long as I could last time to call Hospice, and the time before, very good choice both times.



Good and bad things about Hospice but I've requested for myself ...to never call Hospice.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,107 posts, read 9,006,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsyGal View Post
I waited as long as I could last time to call Hospice, and the time before, very good choice both times.



Good and bad things about Hospice but I've requested for myself ...to never call Hospice.


My mom doesn't want to admit that she needs us or hospice her pride gets in the way.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:10 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
My knew that my was difficult at times & even BEFORE we moved down here I told her this very thing. Again she was warned. Read previous posts...


Because of her health & unlimited time known time to live we thought she might mellow out. I was wrong.
Her kids are none of your or anyone else concern. They are well taken care of & live with their dad by choice.
The Asheville thing as been repeated over & over again sorry that you missed it.
That makes sense. You do the ultimate sacrifice and assume she will be appreciative, even if she was horrible before.
When I did Hospice, the first time for my FILs brother (Husbands uncle) he was known to be really difficult.
But to me, he was so appreciative I would care for him that I felt bad. He was so kind the entire time.
People warned me not to care for him... but when we came to visit him, he was ill and went downhill fast. Much sicker than he believed. We never considered leaving him there away from family.

I did Hospice for my FIL closely after (this year) who in almost 30 years, I never had one conflict with. We always got along very well. He hid a life we had no clue about, the abuse of his wife and almost did her in. She was ready to enter hospice in the Hospital but we thought he didn't know any better in almost starving her to death. SO we supported us and him caring for her. He continued the abuse. He disallowed her to bathe, and more. Barely allowed her an egg to eat per day. We called in family to no avail. AIM people came to assist at first, not Hospice...they are who first notified me my FIL had "nothing wrong with his mind" and they were concerned. So we got firm and demanded she eat what she wanted to eat, etc..she was 92 years old

APS was called out then in the end, I ended up contacting the Police for help. A total nightmare. He was a MONSTER who kicked me out for ensuring his wife had her basic needs met. We couldn't avoid his rage, he also took it out on my husband. He got sexual with him, so gross... He did it out of anger I think. The neighbors said my FIL hit her, and we now believe my MIL was in the wheelchair due to his violence, not her accidently falling. The Hospice people also felt there is nothing wrong with his mind whatsoever and became very concerned. They were tipped off by AIM and myself. They are who called APS. She died peacefully, and my FIL the bugger is still alive. They seem to live very long for whatever reason. They'll get there's in the afterlife. So I don't worry....
.

Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-11-2015 at 02:32 PM..
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:12 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
This is simply untrue. Many very good, ethical doctors tell their terminal patients their life expectancy. It's a professional, normal thing to do and doesn't warrant any sort of lawsuit.
I wish we'd have had a doctor which would do that. I would say you are very lucky but it may be the norm and just not my experience.

When I did hospice both times, it was like pulling teeth to get an estimate of their life. This became hard when they were in such pain you just wanted to know within some time frame, when relief would come.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:28 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
My mom doesn't want to admit that she needs us or hospice her pride gets in the way.
Yeah, she'd have to admit she is dying. That's rough.

Look into Advanced Illness Management (AIM) Many insurance companies now offer it.
They would come and bathe my MIL, monitor her meds, sent a Physical Therapist. I am not sure where your mother really is in her journey but Hospice can sometimes change their mind and move on out. If they think she will live longer than first expected.
AIM group were wonderful! Hospice is more for comfort measures so each one is designed for different phases in life.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Rutherfordton,NC
14,107 posts, read 9,006,060 times
Reputation: 9551
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsyGal View Post
Yeah, she'd have to admit she is dying. That's rough.

Look into Advanced Illness Management (AIM) Many insurance companies now offer it.
They would come and bathe my MIL, monitor her meds, sent a Physical Therapist. I am not sure where your mother really is in her journey but Hospice can sometimes change their mind and move on out. If they think she will live longer than first expected.
AIM group were wonderful! Hospice is more for comfort measures so each one is designed for different phases in life.

As a nurse she believes that she knows better then the nurse from hospice. She moves away pretty good at times but other times she is in too much pain to really do anything. She is used to getting around on her on & up until maybe two months ago she was doing decently. She fell a good while back & had two rods in her back & being nothing but skin & bones it's very painful. She was on Methadone but it keeps her in a daze & she doesn't like it nor is she ready for it at this time. It's too much. She can still get a shower by herself & get dressed, etc. I do want to get a baby monitor to put in her room so if she falls at night she can get a hold of one of us.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:46 PM
 
37,951 posts, read 14,800,640 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
My knew that my was difficult at times & even BEFORE we moved down here I told her this very thing. Again she was warned. Read previous posts...


Because of her health & unlimited time known time to live we thought she might mellow out. I was wrong.
Her kids are none of your or anyone else concern. They are well taken care of & live with their dad by choice.
The Asheville thing as been repeated over & over again sorry that you missed it.
Exactly what are you hoping to achieve here?

You ask for advice and then tell those that respond that it is none of their concern, or that they need to read all the posts before responding, or ...

You both knew that living with your mom would be difficult, but your wife insisted that you guys do it anyway. Now she wants to go to Nebraska but you worry your marriage won't survive being apart.

You both gave up your jobs and your apartment and now insist that it would be impossible to return to Asheville, apparently because your apartment was the only affordable one to be had and now it's gone.

You write that money is not an issue as your mother's estate is really quite small. Yet neither one of you is holding down a job.

The ex is "verbally abusive" but the kids are so well cared for that they don't need their mother.

As we try to make sense of your situation and the decisions the two of you have made, you berate those who post for one thing or another.

So my question is, what are you hoping to achieve with these C-D threads?
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Old 11-11-2015, 03:03 PM
 
Location: california
920 posts, read 646,096 times
Reputation: 1065
Quote:
Originally Posted by reed067 View Post
As a nurse she believes that she knows better then the nurse from hospice. She moves away pretty good at times but other times she is in too much pain to really do anything. She is used to getting around on her on & up until maybe two months ago she was doing decently. She fell a good while back & had two rods in her back & being nothing but skin & bones it's very painful. She was on Methadone but it keeps her in a daze & she doesn't like it nor is she ready for it at this time. It's too much. She can still get a shower by herself & get dressed, etc. I do want to get a baby monitor to put in her room so if she falls at night she can get a hold of one of us.
She probably does know better than the Nurse. Hospice Nurses are the worst, total indoctrination. A bunch of robots.
Those in their care usually don't die from natural causes, they die from the powerful drugs being pushed on them under the guise of "pain"
Always pushing those powerful drugs to get rid of them quicker. Of course they'll die anyway but the thirst which some of those powerful drugs cause and the lack of wanting to hydrate them is one hell of a way to die. If you can learn it yourself and somehow obtain the medication without the use of hospice at all, that could be the way to go. Or allow them to supply the meds but BE FIRM. Demand hydration. Demand what you know a normal person needs. Do what you know is best for your Mom. Not what saves the taxpayer $$.

If you leave them alone with mom, even to run to the corner gas station for a coffee, A Nurse could even drug her against your will. That happened to us. Don't allow them to encourage you to get a break. You can get regular nurses in AIM. It's the step before Hospice. Also don't leave her alone with the Nurses, they don't want the patience living very long and will assist in aiding in this. If you study medicare rules, you'll see when they'll start pushing what depending upon the certification times.

The best is to die in a hospital around real Nurses and real doctors. We never met nor even saw a Doctor throughout both of our Hospice experiences. Sure it saves the taxpayer which is the goal but as a human with a heart, you must decide at what expense. Second time they came out I used them as an "assistant" to me. That's all I thought about them and brought him to his regular doctor for pretty much anything, never took the Nurses word for anything really. They came out to help bathe him. He's kicked me out so he is left with them, and a paid care provider. I loose no sleep over hospice being there with him now, not after all the abuse he inflicted upon my MIL.

Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-11-2015 at 03:16 PM..
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