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my mom is verbally abusive & has been all her life
She has always been this way
My wife doesn't want to work things out with my mom because of a verbally abusive ex-husband.
I don't blame your wife at all. She doesn't want to work things out with your mother because she is a f***ing b****, not because she has an abusive father. Get your head out, man.
You are picking your a****** of a mother OVER YOUR WIFE.
Make no mistake. If you don't put your mother in a home, you will lose your wife. For good reason.
What happens if your mother doesn't pass away by Christmas? What if she's still hanging in there by Easter, 4th of July, next Thanksgiving?
Estimations of death can be way off!
Back in Minneapolis, I knew someone who took a 6 month leave from a teacher's job, in CA, to tend to his mother whose death was predicted to be within 5-6 months. What a miscalculation that was!!!
She lived for 5 more years! After the first requested 6 month leave, he asked for another, and another.
Even working in a nursing home, I've seen patients go on hospice, and then taken back off again!
There's really no way to give advice with this spotty story. I'd assume its his side, her side and the truth is in the middle. We cant believe the wife didn't know the mom is difficult. We wonder why a mom doesn't have custody of minor kids, or how she could leave the state they're in. Some posters assume the wife is a saint and the mom the devil, I don't. I know we only have a posters side to go on, but this situation is all over the board. I'd love to hear from the mom.
Was the mom a terrible mother to the son as a child? Reading she lost SEVEN children makes me wonder if this didn't cause her to become a "biotch" now. Maybe the mom has a good reason to dislike the wife. Who knows? So with so little info to go on, I have to be on the dying moms side. If the OP's marriage is as great as he says, it'll make it.
I must be an unfeeling, uncaring person but if my mom treated my husband like the OP says his mom treats his wife, I would not live with my mother. The OP's mother sounds like she has a serious personality disorder and just because the OP is used to it, doesn't mean his wife has to or should be verbally abused by his mother. There are other options for his mother that do not require he and his wife to live in separate states.
It would still seem that no one is reading all my post. Which is typical of forums. My wife & her share the kids. Both kids want to stay with their dad. The oldest is in her last year of high school so she isn't going any where. And the other is 13 & needs his dad at that age. Sorry if some of you don't understand that.
Who said I am choosing my mom over my wife? The minute my mom starts in on my wife I am there defending her on the spot! Now read that again & let it sink in! My wife knew that my mom could be difficult & I tried to tell her it was more then that. She kept insisting & here we are. No, we can't go back to Asheville neither one of us can. I've already explained this.
convextech, you have no clue what your talking about. Everything isn't black & white. Sorry to bust your bubble.
My wife hasn't left to go any where right now. No one wants her to go & there is NO talk of Divorce. We are HOPING the social worker from hospice can help all of us work things out. A smart DR would never tell their patient how long he/she has left. It's not about the money or the house. My wife WANTS me mom & me to have whatever time there is left to be able to spend time together. I guess some of you don't understand that concept. IF you love someone you are willing to give some things up for them. When my wife's dad gets terminal I will be more then happy to do the same for her. We all have gave something's up my mom included she feels like we are here to babysit her & she feels like her privacy is gone. I'm sure she feels like we are trying to take over as well. Again I have stated this before. My mom could live for another two years if you could see her & know how she was before all of this you might think otherwise. There is no telling how long she will live.
OP, man up. Make sure your wife knows that SHE is your top priority. Do whatever that takes while making sure your mom has the care she needs lined up.
This means getting a game plan together with Hospice and social services. I don't care if your mother doesn't want to hear it - she is dying and qualifies for hospice care and hospice care is not just for her, it's also for the emotional and logistical needs of the immediate family. You owe it to your wife to avail of ALL available resources.
I personally don't think it's a terrible idea for your wife to leave temporarily. But the thing is, you need to know more specifics about the time line. You have said in other threads that you don't expect your mom to be alive past Christmas. If she truly just has a few more weeks, then I don't think it's out of line for your wife to leave temporarily to give all of you as much peace as possible during your mother's final few weeks.
Here's the deal. Neither you nor your wife are working. Unless you have access to funds from elsewhere, I don't think it's fair or reasonable for your mom to expect you to put both your lives on complete hold. I also don't think it's fair or reasonable for either of you to expect to live without jobs for open ended months on end either. Surely no one expects to do that?
I have to say - I don't know why or how your wife can possibly leave her school age kids that far behind for months or longer. This is an odd piece of an odd puzzle.
I really think neither one was working, or just getting buy in Ashville, NC(which is one of the more expensive parts of NC) on low paying jobs that neither cared about. It makes no sense that a married couple who had at least somewhat good paying jobs would up and quit them, not both of them.
I don't think the wife has custody, she is ready to run off to Nebraska to ride the storm out. It's sound like the ex-husband has full time custody.
It's too much that two working people, both quit their jobs, took the kids over to the father's house and said they're yours now, we have to move to Georgia(and not know the mother is difficult).
Was the mom a terrible mother to the son as a child? Reading she lost SEVEN children makes me wonder if this didn't cause her to become a "biotch" now. Maybe the mom has a good reason to dislike the wife. Who knows? So with so little info to go on, I have to be on the dying moms side. If the OP's marriage is as great as he says, it'll make it.
My mom had a total of eight children all of them passed before they were ever born. MY mom has been married twice & they were both verbally & physically abusive. Her brother did some terrible things to her as a young girl as well as her mom. She spent some time in a mental hospital too. For my mom my wife is the other woman. Period. She wants to be the ONLY woman in my life. My mom has also stated that she wished that I could come home & be with her. It seems that she has had empty nest syndrome for some time now. We have never been close ever. Cancer or not you don't treat people like their are dogs just because your on barrowed time. I don't care who you are & I have told my mom this very thing. Defend me wife? Yeah, talk to her like she's nothing & me & whoever is going to have a big problem. Hence the reason why her going to be with her best friend might be for the best. I can take the abuse I am used to it. I know I shouldn't but that's the way it is.
OP...I feel for you...You are in a lose lose situation. Not siding with your wife is wrong, and leaving your Mom when she is dying is wrong. Either way you will lose and live to regret it. Since it is your wife that is choosing to leave, it is on her shoulders, she cut and ran.
Curious....are you and your wife retired? Or simply waylaying your lives til your Mom passes? Can you get your own place short term?? In some states you can get paid as your Mom's caregiver if that would help
I think if she loved you, your wife would want to be there to support you, rather than run away. On the other hand....I think you also should sit your mother straight, let her know if you kick my wife out, I'm gone too.
If it were me, and in the position your wife is in......I would have taken a job or something, to be out of the house while you cared primarily for your Mom. Seems easy especially if your Mom is confined to her bedroom to stay away from her rath, out of her eyesight.
Question...were you making your wife responsible for caregiving too? If not, perhaps she needed a hobby, something to occupy part of her day...Seems it would be easy enough to stay out of the way of an invalid. If your Mom isn't confined to bed, and isn't on hospice...then what do you mean by dying??
If your Mom is dying, is hospice involved, her Doctor or you can request hospice with a terminal diagnosis.......then there will be caregivers in and out all hours and you and your wife would get respite time.
I sure hope things work out for you. Try some of the online support pages for caregivers...just do a search,...it may help a lot.
It would still seem that no one is reading all my post. Which is typical of forums. My wife & her share the kids. Both kids want to stay with their dad. The oldest is in her last year of high school so she isn't going any where. And the other is 13 & needs his dad at that age. Sorry if some of you don't understand that.
Who said I am choosing my mom over my wife? The minute my mom starts in on my wife I am there defending her on the spot! Now read that again & let it sink in! My wife knew that my mom could be difficult & I tried to tell her it was more then that. She kept insisting & here we are. No, we can't go back to Asheville neither one of us can. I've already explained this.
convextech, you have no clue what your talking about. Everything isn't black & white. Sorry to bust your bubble.
My wife hasn't left to go any where right now. No one wants her to go & there is NO talk of Divorce. We are HOPING the social worker from hospice can help all of us work things out. A smart DR would never tell their patient how long he/she has left. It's not about the money or the house. My wife WANTS me mom & me to have whatever time there is left to be able to spend time together. I guess some of you don't understand that concept. IF you love someone you are willing to give some things up for them. When my wife's dad gets terminal I will be more then happy to do the same for her. We all have gave something's up my mom included she feels like we are here to babysit her & she feels like her privacy is gone. I'm sure she feels like we are trying to take over as well. Again I have stated this before. My mom could live for another two years if you could see her & know how she was before all of this you might think otherwise. There is no telling how long she will live.
I'm going to take this time to remind you of your own words - and I've bolded the most pertinent parts:
Quote:
o It's bad enough that my mom is verbally abusive & has been all her life, her dying has nothing to do with her being abusive.
She has always been this way. When my mom goes off on me or my wife my wife goes into our room & stays there unless she has to eat, bathroom, etc. Then my mom wants to work things out.. again. It's a never ending cycle here. It's bad enough that I have to slowly watch my mom wither away in whatever times she's has left. So it seems like that my wife has decided to go stay with her best friend in Nebraska until mom passes. This is going to make things even more rough on the two of us & I don't know if this will be the end of a otherwise great marriage. I now understand what people said when they warned us how just how hard this would be, even more so because of how my mom is & always has been. This is more of a rant & all the advice in the world won't set things right again. My wife doesn't want to work things out with my mom because of a verbally abusive ex-husband. And I messed up by agreeing to move down here. Even more so know this about my wife. Even to make small talk with my mom at this point is impossible for her to do. My mom once told me that if my wife doesn't start coming out of the room & being more sociable that she is going to kick her out. Maybe that's what my wife is hoping for & that way she has a way out. I don't know. I am stressed & maybe this is the only thing to do. I have to stay I am the only child out of eight that is still alive. (very long story) I am sadly used to the way my mom is & she she's nothing wrong with it. Will our marriage survive being so far apart for an unknown time? I am not sure LDR's don't see to last very long. Even though my mom is..well mom I have to stay here I am not sure why. It's like your child robbing a bank it's wrong but you still love them no matter what.. I am totally lost & there is nothing that I can do about it....
People are assuming that your marriage may be in trouble because YOU are saying that you're not sure your marriage will survive if your wife moves to Nebraska.
You seem to think that a good doctor can't or shouldn't give a patient a realistic time line. That's untrue, generally speaking, though of course there are exceptions.
People aren't misunderstanding that your wife doesn't have custody of the kids. She DOESN'T have full custody of her kids. That may be justifiable (not that you owe anyone on this forum an explanation) but the fact still remains that your wife is voluntarily moving even further out of their lives by moving first to Georgia and now possibly to NEBRASKA. For a mother of youngsters to do this of her own free will strikes me (and others) as unsettling.
And you are involved in this decision as well as the whole situation. Your mom is terminally ill and your wife is distraught and it's not her mother. It's up to you to take control of this situation. That's what people are saying.
It sounds like you and your wife have made some questionable choices but that's water under the bridge. It still remains that it's up to you to salvage this thing. It's going to be tough.
OP...I feel for you...You are in a lose lose situation. Not siding with your wife is wrong, and leaving your Mom when she is dying is wrong. Either way you will lose and live to regret it. Since it is your wife that is choosing to leave, it is on her shoulders, she cut and ran.
Curious....are you and your wife retired? Or simply waylaying your lives til your Mom passes? Can you get your own place short term?? In some states you can get paid as your Mom's caregiver if that would help
I think if she loved you, your wife would want to be there to support you, rather than run away. On the other hand....I think you also should sit your mother straight, let her know if you kick my wife out, I'm gone too.
If it were me, and in the position your wife is in......I would have taken a job or something, to be out of the house while you cared primarily for your Mom. Seems easy especially if your Mom is confined to her bedroom to stay away from her rath, out of her eyesight.
Question...were you making your wife responsible for caregiving too? If not, perhaps she needed a hobby, something to occupy part of her day...Seems it would be easy enough to stay out of the way of an invalid. If your Mom isn't confined to bed, and isn't on hospice...then what do you mean by dying??
If your Mom is dying, is hospice involved, her Doctor or you can request hospice with a terminal diagnosis.......then there will be caregivers in and out all hours and you and your wife would get respite time.
I sure hope things work out for you. Try some of the online support pages for caregivers...just do a search,...it may help a lot.
The wife has minor children from a previous marriage that live with their father in NC, so hardly retirement age. Also why doesn't she go back to NC instead of Nebraska? She also could have stayed in NC and worked(if she was working) and driven down to Georgia on the weekends. From Ashville, NC even to south Georgia is only a few hours.
It is a tough situation, but the OP has complained about how if he and the wife go out together the mother will/could fall in the house.
When you do caregiving and there are two caregivers, unless you're willing to pay someone to watch the family member, you don't have the luxury of leaving them alone so the two of you can go out to eat or shopping, one stays home.
You don't both go out and hope for the best at home.
Sorry, I think the issue here is the OP and the wife thought they could help the mother and also help their own dire situation. But this is proving to be too much for them.
Your suggestion is a good one, bring in hospice. But I think there is more to this story.
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