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Old 11-11-2015, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,560 posts, read 4,074,969 times
Reputation: 15762

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You know, unless the siblings/family are going to help, they don't get a vote, and their opinion is meaningless. Sorry, that sounds cold, but they don't get to stand on the sidelines and criticize -- YOU are the one having to deal with the day-to-day care, worry and taking the time off, etc. Unless they want to step up and actually HELP, then you need to make the decision that is best for you and your dad's quality of life. Does he need a nursing home, or would he be able to deal with assisted living? Many facilities have both, where a resident can transition from assisted to nursing when necessary.

Good luck -- do what you need to do, and damn the nay-sayers!
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,941 posts, read 17,243,367 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
It sounds like your father definitely needs someone to help him full time, either at home or in a nursing home. Of course he won't want to go at first. But if you can find a good facility he will most likely end up enjoying the company of others. At least this was my experience with my own father and two other relatives. This is a difficult decision all around I know, but remember, broken bones are very difficult to heal in the elderly and often cause permanent immobility. Good luck with your Dad!
Two of my elderly aunts refused to leave their homes when they should have been in assisted living or in a nursing home. In both cases after they were forced to move after broken hips they were so happy with their new friends and all of the activities that they both said that they should have moved out of their lonely, empty houses years earlier.

Several of my friends said that their parent said the same thing (how much happier they were being around other people their same age all day). Of course it is different because you & your dad are living together but he is alone for many hours each day.

And if your dad falls or has a medical emergency during the day he will get immediate help from nurses in a nursing home but may lay in pain for hours until you return home from work.

The two of you should discuss it with his doctor.
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Old 11-11-2015, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Ohio
15,132 posts, read 13,377,637 times
Reputation: 20565
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
My dad has lung cancer, renal failure and other health problems. He's getting to the point where he can't walk or even stand on his own some days. He fell while I was at work yesterday but he claims he didn't. He's very stubborn and in denial. He still thinks he can do everything on his own.

I've had to take 13 days off work this year to take him to the E.R. I only get 15 days off a year. It's just me and him and he lives with me but it's getting the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. One of the times he was in the hospital they mentioned about putting him in a nursing home because they couldn't keep taking him in the hospital.

I'm thinking it's time to put him in a nursing home but I have a feeling family is going to put me under the fire for this. But my dad lives with me, not them.

I have a good job and I cannot afford to lose it. If I do we both starve. Is it time? Any advice?
It sounds as if it is time for a nursing home to me.

However, if you are not quite ready to go there you can apply for family leave, it will protect you from losing your job due to too many absences.

Family and Medical Leave Act - Wage and Hour Division (WHD) - U.S. Department of Labor

I used it even though my father had a paid caregiver because my presence was still required for doctor's appointments and emergency room visits, etc.

Eventually, I still had to make the decision to put him in a nursing home because it got to the point where one person alone could not handle him.

It was a horrible, gut wrenching decision, but sometimes it is the best option for everyone.

Yes, you will feel guilty, but, remember this......if your father was in his right mind, he would not want you to go down with him.

If any relatives object, tell them they are welcome to become his primary caregiver. Believe me, they won't take you up on it.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:15 PM
 
839 posts, read 1,035,453 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Very good points.

I am a little surprised that if Dad had serious enough problems or emergencies that he needed to be seen in the hospital emergency room 13 times, rather than just seen by his doctor in his/her office, none of those issues needed rehabilitation in the hospital or in a skilled nursing facility.

Or did Dad refuse rehab for those issues?
All they do in the hospital is get him back to health temporarily until he starts going downhill again and it's getting to the point where he's getting worse and worse. There is nothing that can be done for him anymore.

The 4th or 5th time he was admitted this year, a nurse came in and spoke to me about possibly putting him a nursing home because they couldn't keep taking him but they have so far. But at that time, he would be ok for a while but it's getting to the point where he constantly needs care.

I'm so stressed today that I haven't even been able to eat anything all day. Between work, my dad and having anxiety problems I am mentally scattered-brained.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:18 PM
 
25,861 posts, read 32,856,549 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
All they do in the hospital is get him back to health temporarily until he starts going downhill again and it's getting to the point where he's getting worse and worse. There is nothing that can be done for him anymore.

The 4th or 5th time he was admitted this year, a nurse came in and spoke to me about possibly putting him a nursing home because they couldn't keep taking him but they have so far. But at that time, he would be ok for a while but it's getting to the point where he constantly needs care.

I'm so stressed today that I haven't even been able to eat anything all day. Between work, my dad and having anxiety problems I am mentally scattered-brained.
Stop the stress. Sounds like it's time for a nursing home to me.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:31 PM
 
Location: Stephenville, Texas
951 posts, read 1,437,805 times
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You state that there are "only the two of you" then you mention an elderly aunt and lots of family members who would think less of you if you put him in an Assisted Living Facility instead of care for him yourself at home. Who are these other family members? How close are they to you and him? Do they live nearby and can offer any help?

Do these family members ever come to visit? If so, would they be able to see that you are overwhelmed and need help or possibly need to put him in a facility? If so, they seem rather insensitive.

You can't worry what these other family members say or think. You have to do what is best for you and your dad. Unless they are active about visiting and helping you out, they don't have much of a say in this, it is your decision. Have you talked to any of them about how much stress you are under in taking care of your dad? Maybe they don't know just how serious the situation has become now.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:44 PM
 
2,563 posts, read 2,778,637 times
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I went through all that with my father a few years ago. He finally got to the point where he was falling down more than occasionally. The last time he fell I had to call 911 and he ended up in the hospital. The doctor there said it was time for a nursing home, so i didn't feel so guilty about it. The only drawback was the $9000 a month cost. He was in the nursing home for almost a year before he died.
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:52 PM
 
5,899 posts, read 6,682,225 times
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You don't "put him in a nursing home".

He moves to an assisted living facility.

It is NOT open for discussion.

He needs the care, safety, medical attention and services which you cannot provide.

There is no reason why YOUR life should be in ruin because of him (I don't mean that to sound as callous as written, but you get the idea).

I went through this with a relative. Sweated the move from her home to assisted living, then from assisted living to full care, and finally to a dementia unit. I was miserable and feared backlash at every step.

THERE WAS NONE.

You go out for a drive and end up at the new location. With each step YOU JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. There is no discussion.

The relative settles in VERY quickly, and is most appreciative of their new surroundings, care, attention, and friends.

Feels horrible. Is actually quite straight forward and simple.

Do it for yourself, if not for him.

(Yes, it is costly. Figure $10,000 per month...might be less, or more, depending.....)
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Old 11-11-2015, 01:52 PM
 
Location: :0)1 CORINTHIANS,13*"KYRIE, ELEISON"*"CHRISTE ELEISON"🙏 ❄⭐🎄⛄
2,707 posts, read 5,126,606 times
Reputation: 4738
Question How old is your father?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
My dad has lung cancer, renal failure and other health problems. He's getting to the point where he can't walk or even stand on his own some days. He fell while I was at work yesterday but he claims he didn't. He's very stubborn and in denial. He still thinks he can do everything on his own.

I've had to take 13 days off work this year to take him to the E.R. I only get 15 days off a year. It's just me and him and he lives with me but it's getting the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. One of the times he was in the hospital they mentioned about putting him in a nursing home because they couldn't keep taking him in the hospital.

I'm thinking it's time to put him in a nursing home but I have a feeling family is going to put me under the fire for this. But my dad lives with me, not them.

I have a good job and I cannot afford to lose it. If I do we both starve. Is it time? Any advice?


I am sorry that you are going through this I will keep you in my prayers.

How old is your father?
I do not understand how a hospital can say that they cannot help anymore??? If he has insurance & or if you are paying out of pocket, why or how can they refuse him? I do not get it??? Can someone please explain how this is even possible. Thanks.


Best of wishes to both of you.
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Old 11-11-2015, 02:57 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
4,674 posts, read 2,523,363 times
Reputation: 9098
I have never seen anyone thrive in an assisted living facility or care home, unless it is an "age in place" retirement facility where someone—especially a couple—moves in together under somewhat healthier circumstances and care is available as health declines, somewhere where there are social groups and activities, and most of all that it is their choice to move into the facility.
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