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Old 11-11-2015, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,562 posts, read 4,105,259 times
Reputation: 15768

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
He is 76 currently. His dad died @ 94 years old. My dad has always been strong and never got sick. NEVER. But then 71 rolled around and that's when hell started. It's so heart breaking seeing my dad like this. I didn't think he would ever get sick like this and go to live on like his dad did.

I hate this so much. I'm starting to hate myself because I'm not the best at being a caregiver. I've never really had a lot of patience and my job is stressing me out too. New promotion and manager. I had to go through this with my mom right before my dad got sick and she passed in 2012. So it's a like a 1-2 punch.
OK, rebellious -- I'm going to smack you around a little bit right now. :-)

You are a good son. You have cared for your mother. You are caring for your father. But I bet your father was able to help with your mother. Who is helping you care for your father? NO ONE. You don't have anyone. You are on your own. Watching your father grow weaker and going downhill is one of the most helpless, frustrating feelings in the world.

Hate the situation, but do NOT hate yourself for the decision that you need to make. My mother cared for my father for 18 months after he first broke his hip (the day before his triple bypass, naturally *sigh*) He broke his hip, then six weeks later broke the other hip. He had post-operative cognitive disorder from the anesthesia, which took him a long time to throw off because he had been on dialysis for 8 years for renal failure. He developed Parkinsons and Lewy body dementia. We begged my mother to consider having Dad in assisted living/nursing, but she refused. She couldn't get more than 2-3 hours sleep in a row because of Dad's needs. When he died, my mother was completely and totally exhausted, and at her age, it took almost a year before she was emotionally and physically recovered.

I am sharing this with you so that you will understand that I know what you are going through, emotionally and physically. Do NOT kick yourself for your perceived "lack of patience." You are doing the best you can, and I sincerely doubt that you beat or starve your father. It is not a character failing to be tired, distraught, discouraged, stressed and worried. You love your father and you want what's best for him. You have taken him to the hospital 13 times this past year -- that's more than once a month. The fact that a nursing home for your dad might also be what's best for you is a side bonus. My mother agonized over some final decisions before my dad died, and said, tearfully, that she wasn't sure if she was making the right decision for him because of what was best for him, or out of sheer exhaustion on her part.

Talk to a social worker . . . you will feel better when you start to take steps that begin to solve the problem, rather than constantly reliving the problem every day. Good luck -- please take care of yourself, too. I suspect you have more patience with your father than you do with yourself.
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Old 11-11-2015, 08:12 PM
 
1,614 posts, read 1,220,688 times
Reputation: 2646
I love when one takes the initiative to be the caregiver all others then try to run the show and voice opinions. Unless they are helping with bills,volunteering to have dad come a week a month to stay with them and take a load off of you then they put up or shut up. They behave like backseat drivers but don't lift a finger or donate a dime. Didn't read the thread so you may cleared that up and just haven't read it yet. Its the pits to be a caregiver and also see the decline in the parent and have not much help. Sorry for your circumstances and keep us informed.
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Old 11-11-2015, 08:19 PM
 
437 posts, read 522,095 times
Reputation: 599
This is not an easy decision. As a medical professional, I have often seen the other side of putting elderly relatives in a nursing home. When I was a student I also did volunteer work in a nursing home. The residents aren't necessarily better off or safer there. It depends on the nursing home. Some are very good and provide excellent environment and care. Some are just ok. Most are an abomination. All are expensive. Many of them are owned by corporations that care only about making a lot of money. They cut nursing staffing to the bone and the nurses are not able to give the needed attention to all the patients all the time. The residents fall in the nursing homes and ALFs, too---very often with with fractured hips and other bones that further diminish functionality. Downtime from surgery requires spending a lot more time laying around in bed, which increases the risk of pneumonia complications---which many older people die from. Not to mention the awful bedsores they tend to get on their butts, backs, legs, and heels if they're bedridden most of the time. Depending on their age and other circumstances, some may not even be surgical candidates.

There are other issues, too. Lots of loneliness and depression. Some have no family that visit them and all of their friends of youth are gone. They also see others who they befriend in the nursing home die as well. Its not a great situation. I personally wouldn't put my parents in a nursing home. Because I know how many of those places operate I would rather keep my dad at home and hire an aide to stay with him. That is less costly than a nursing home and I believe you can also take a tax deduction for some of the costs.

Caring for elderly parents is not something that everyone can do, no matter how much you care about them or love them. The ones who fall a lot or have slowly progressive dementia will try to hide it. Going into a nursing home means giving up a lot of their independence, and people resent doing that no matter how badly their functionality is impacted. Your dad won't want to go because he's afraid that you're going to leave him there and forget about him. You're all he's got so he's going to resist. Its a very scary thing to realize that you are approaching your final years and not able to do for yourself anymore and then hear that you are being sent to a home. The stubbornness you described is reluctance to accede independence.

You and your dad have to make the decision that is most practical for your situation, regardless of what others may think. Thirteen ER visits in a year is way too many for anybody. If you keep bringing him in with injuries the doctors and nurses may eventually report the situation as potential elder abuse.
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Old 11-12-2015, 05:14 AM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
17,441 posts, read 21,278,178 times
Reputation: 24286
I certainly wouldn't wait until things become intolerable, waiting 'til the last minute, as you may find any number of these nursing homes in your area filled up, with a waiting list. And? On top of that, nursing homes can be picky, they have no obligation to accept anyone that comes to the facility.

And, if it gets to that point, don't tell them he's a Fall Risk!

Put yourself into the shoes of a nursing home owner, or Administrator, and given what hotbeds of litigations these places are, and ask yourself, what would be your ideal patients to have in your facility?

Fall Risks? Family members breathing down the necks of the staff every day? Heavens no!
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Old 11-12-2015, 06:27 AM
 
Location: SC
1,972 posts, read 1,170,050 times
Reputation: 3206
Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
I certainly wouldn't wait until things become intolerable, waiting 'til the last minute, as you may find any number of these nursing homes in your area filled up, with a waiting list. And? On top of that, nursing homes can be picky, they have no obligation to accept anyone that comes to the facility.

And, if it gets to that point, don't tell them he's a Fall Risk!

Put yourself into the shoes of a nursing home owner, or Administrator, and given what hotbeds of litigations these places are, and ask yourself, what would be your ideal patients to have in your facility?

Fall Risks? Family members breathing down the necks of the staff every day? Heavens no!
The elderly are ALWAYS a fall risk. That is part of the reason they end up in long term care facilities. And the staff are trained to deal with those falls. I dealt with them far too often when I worked health care.

Dependent on the persons needs, the Dr would usually refer the elderly person and their family member to the in house social worker for the next step. Most of the cases I saw, the Dr wouldn't even release the patient if they were unable to handle their daily living needs. Walking to the bathroom, getting up to a standing position, feeding themselves, etc....ADL-Activities of Daily Living.
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:05 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,651,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moxiegal View Post
The elderly are ALWAYS a fall risk. That is part of the reason they end up in long term care facilities. And the staff are trained to deal with those falls. I dealt with them far too often when I worked health care.

Dependent on the persons needs, the Dr would usually refer the elderly person and their family member to the in house social worker for the next step. Most of the cases I saw, the Dr wouldn't even release the patient if they were unable to handle their daily living needs. Walking to the bathroom, getting up to a standing position, feeding themselves, etc....ADL-Activities of Daily Living.

While I agree that sometimes institutions are required, I've also see medical staff "bully" people into putting their loved ones into a home when their needs could be met at home. Which is why you always have the right to leave against medical advice.

Doesn't necessarily apply in the OPs situation, but please keep in mind that a doctor who quickly evaluates a patient for 10 minutes (or less) in a emergent situation has no acutal idea of the level of care (or neglect) at home, and is really not in a place to make suggestions as to what is "best" for the patient from a custodial care perspective. They are simply practicing "defensive" medicine and trying to get the body out the door so that the next acute case can come in.
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:18 AM
 
Location: SC
1,972 posts, read 1,170,050 times
Reputation: 3206
Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
While I agree that sometimes institutions are required, I've also see medical staff "bully" people into putting their loved ones into a home when their needs could be met at home. Which is why you always have the right to leave against medical advice.

Doesn't necessarily apply in the OPs situation, but please keep in mind that a doctor who quickly evaluates a patient for 10 minutes (or less) in a emergent situation has no acutal idea of the level of care (or neglect) at home, and is really not in a place to make suggestions as to what is "best" for the patient from a custodial care perspective. They are simply practicing "defensive" medicine and trying to get the body out the door so that the next acute case can come in.
Yes. I agree with you on the "bullying" situations by medical personnel. The healthcare business IS a business after all. Not a Non-Profit.

I understand your concerns on the 10 minute evaluation. Those Dr's don't usually send an ER patient straight to a nursing facility ...do they? Where I worked in the hospital, it was first the -ER-Acute Care- Skilled Nursing -home..or nursing home..or...assisted living, upon release. If the patient is unable to understand their Diagnosis or make their own health care decisions, family is usually supposed to be consulted and/or brought into the discussion.

Which is why....bottom line...become involved in the health care decision making process. Be informed. Talk to the patient/family member receiving treatment. Know the patient rights. Inquire on what the options are. Don't just ASSUME a health care professional KNOWS the right choice. They do not.
If you are the family member who is put in charge of the patient aftercare....ASK questions. Write the answers and replies down on paper. Take a pro-active stance in the whole process!

Of course, not all healthcare facilities...hospitals...ER's.....operate on the same levels of care.
That is why it needs to fall back on the patient, or their designated family member, to communicate with the Dr.

Yes?
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Old 11-12-2015, 08:22 AM
 
8,075 posts, read 7,325,852 times
Reputation: 6441
They don't a lot for the falls in the nursing facilities.

The most they did was call me. They wouldn't even put in the fall mats to cushion her falls until I demanded it.

His dad may be having a lot of falls because he's in a stage where he's losing his mobility or stability and they haven't made the adjustments to his independence. He requires more at home supervision or voluntary adherence to limits on his movements. Get a home aide. Get a wheelchair or light transport chair so he can get around without risking a fall.

My mom used to have about 1 fall a month in the last two years. After the first fall landed her in rehab, the therapists' goal was to make her indepedent and have her walking around on her walker again. That resulted in more falls than she was having before the rehab. As a result, she landed in rehab the second time for fractured pubic bone which took her about nine months to heal.

The therapists came around this time but she still had a lot of residual pain from the slow healing pubic fracture. Instead of meeting her therapists' goal of becoming independent again, she now spends more time off her feet. She's had no falls in the last six months. She had a run of several falls the last two times she developed a UTI (which brought on confusion). She walks under my supervision and hasn't experienced a fall outside those two episodes in over a year.
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Old 11-12-2015, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Michigan
194 posts, read 179,715 times
Reputation: 212
It's definitely time. Don't worry about what your family things (I know it's easier said than done for a lot of people) but it'll be worth it. It won't be easy actually putting him in though. My mom was away for some conference and I had to help put my grandpa in a home when I was 17, and it was pretty heavy emotionally but it was a relief at the same time to have our lives back.
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Old 11-12-2015, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,899 posts, read 25,355,967 times
Reputation: 26425
Right now, you need to work on getting him approved for medicaid and everything else he is qualified for. If he has no money medicaid will pay for everything and he will also get a little less than $200 per month in food stamps. You need to see a lawyer who specializes in the elderly and some type of social worker. There are also programs that will do things like give him a free cell phone.

There are resources out there. Start googling for your area. If he has a religious affiliation see what they have to offer as well. Honestly, he is better off REALLY poor than sort of poor!
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