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Old 11-15-2015, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,562 posts, read 4,104,177 times
Reputation: 15768

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
Took dad to dialysis Thursday morning and they had to put him in the e.r. a couple hours later. He was mentally sound in the morning when I took him and when I got to the e.r. it was like he had gotten dementia overnight. Had no idea where he was or why he was there.

Hemoglobin levels were off and his blood sugar dropped dramatically. He ate a whole can of vegetable soup the night before and the doctor couldn't tell me why is dropped like it did. He is doing better mentally today but he has some scars on his legs that aren't healing. Once his blood thickens they are going to remove the dead skin off the scabs and try to get them to heal.

I got an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in elderly care Tuesday morning. I also spoke to a case worker at the hospital to start the paperwork for placement. I'm going tomorrow to take tours of the two nursing homes here. The doctor said he would need 24hr care from now on.

I've been breaking down all day since I talked to the case worker. Talking about putting a parent in a nursing home and actually taking the steps to do it is like night and day. I feel so guilty and can't stop getting upset over it. He was such a good dad and he just deserves so much better than this. He gave me an excellent childhood but there isn't anything else I can do.

Him not being in his chair when I get home is going to kill me.

Thank you everyone for listening and replying.
We ALL deserve "better than this." But as I mentioned before -- guilt has no place here. You have done literally everything you can do. There is nothing more you can do without seriously jeopardizing your quality of life. The stress and worry is going to start causing YOU health problems if you don't get some help.

Just because he is sleeping and staying somewhere else does not mean that you can't contnue to be a big part of his life. You can still visit after work as much as you want -- eat supper with him, take him out to the store or a ballgame on the weekends or to a movie in the evening, sit quietly with him and watch TV or put a puzzle together. You can do all of these things -- but during the day, he will be supervised, and during the night, he will have care that will allow you to get much-needed rest and will relieve you of worry that something might happen to your dad while you are at work. Plus, as an active participant in your dad's care, you can be assured that the facility will know that there's no cutting corners when it comes to your dad. S'truth. You ARE taking good care of your dad.

He gave you an excellent childhood. But you cannot give him an "excellent old age." His own body and medical issues don't permit it. Children start out helpless, but quickly become independent; but an adult's decline and dependence can stretch out for years -- and there's no "getting better", it's just either a slow crawl or a sprint to the end.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:37 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
45,066 posts, read 36,285,285 times
Reputation: 63768
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
We ALL deserve "better than this." But as I mentioned before -- guilt has no place here. You have done literally everything you can do. There is nothing more you can do without seriously jeopardizing your quality of life. The stress and worry is going to start causing YOU health problems if you don't get some help.

Just because he is sleeping and staying somewhere else does not mean that you can't contnue to be a big part of his life. You can still visit after work as much as you want -- eat supper with him, take him out to the store or a ballgame on the weekends or to a movie in the evening, sit quietly with him and watch TV or put a puzzle together. You can do all of these things -- but during the day, he will be supervised, and during the night, he will have care that will allow you to get much-needed rest and will relieve you of worry that something might happen to your dad while you are at work. Plus, as an active participant in your dad's care, you can be assured that the facility will know that there's no cutting corners when it comes to your dad. S'truth. You ARE taking good care of your dad.

He gave you an excellent childhood. But you cannot give him an "excellent old age." His own body and medical issues don't permit it. Children start out helpless, but quickly become independent; but an adult's decline and dependence can stretch out for years -- and there's no "getting better", it's just either a slow crawl or a sprint to the end.
I can't rep you again, but this is an excellent post.
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Old 11-15-2015, 08:15 PM
 
2,498 posts, read 2,535,978 times
Reputation: 4338
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I can't rep you again, but this is an excellent post.
I second that.
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Old 11-16-2015, 05:42 AM
 
20,647 posts, read 16,680,404 times
Reputation: 38805
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
You don't "put him in a nursing home".

He moves to an assisted living facility.

It is NOT open for discussion.

He needs the care, safety, medical attention and services which you cannot provide.

There is no reason why YOUR life should be in ruin because of him (I don't mean that to sound as callous as written, but you get the idea).

I went through this with a relative. Sweated the move from her home to assisted living, then from assisted living to full care, and finally to a dementia unit. I was miserable and feared backlash at every step.

THERE WAS NONE.

You go out for a drive and end up at the new location. With each step YOU JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. There is no discussion.

The relative settles in VERY quickly, and is most appreciative of their new surroundings, care, attention, and friends.

Feels horrible. Is actually quite straight forward and simple.

Do it for yourself, if not for him.

(Yes, it is costly. Figure $10,000 per month...might be less, or more, depending.....)
To be honest, it sounds like his health is too far gone and his medical needs too great for an ALF.
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Old 11-17-2015, 06:55 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,649,982 times
Reputation: 6686
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
Took dad to dialysis Thursday morning and they had to put him in the e.r. a couple hours later. He was mentally sound in the morning when I took him and when I got to the e.r. it was like he had gotten dementia overnight. Had no idea where he was or why he was there.

Hemoglobin levels were off and his blood sugar dropped dramatically. He ate a whole can of vegetable soup the night before and the doctor couldn't tell me why is dropped like it did. He is doing better mentally today but he has some scars on his legs that aren't healing. Once his blood thickens they are going to remove the dead skin off the scabs and try to get them to heal.

I got an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in elderly care Tuesday morning. I also spoke to a case worker at the hospital to start the paperwork for placement. I'm going tomorrow to take tours of the two nursing homes here. The doctor said he would need 24hr care from now on.

I've been breaking down all day since I talked to the case worker. Talking about putting a parent in a nursing home and actually taking the steps to do it is like night and day. I feel so guilty and can't stop getting upset over it. He was such a good dad and he just deserves so much better than this. He gave me an excellent childhood but there isn't anything else I can do.

Him not being in his chair when I get home is going to kill me.

Thank you everyone for listening and replying.
Diabetes can play havoc with healing abilities. At dialysis they should be doing a standard blood profile fairly regularly (my dad has one done once a month). One of the things they should be checking is "Albumin" - which is a marker for blood protein. If its low it will be difficult for him to heal as the body requires sufficient levels of that in order to be able to heal wounds.

My dad's is chronically low, as such he is a slow healer.

As far as his developing "dementia" while he was at dialysis - if his blood sugar was crashing, that could certainly lead to mental confusion, etc.. (lucky he didn't end up in a coma). Additionally - dialysis is hard on people (many suffer significant blood pressure drops) - so in his already weakened state it could have just pushed him over the edge.

I hope you're able to find a facility and work with them to get him as stabilized as you can.

I don't know if you've mentioned financials - but make sure you don't sign as a "responsible party" for any nursing home bills (As another person mentioned, your father is far too sick for an ALF - he should be placed in a nursing home). Make sure your father is the responsible party for any nursing home bills and if you then have to help him make payments (apply for medicaid, write checks for him with POA, etc..) that's fine.

Note: You can sign the nursing home paperwork if you have POA - but you have to sign it, "Rebellious1 AIF for Rebellious1 father" ... that way it is not "YOU" that is responsible for the costs, but your father, and you are just facilitating his signature with your POA.

Best of luck to you both.
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Old 11-22-2015, 08:22 PM
 
839 posts, read 1,041,877 times
Reputation: 1669
Hello everyone, sorry it's been a few days. He is now in comfort care at the nursing home. He has no circulation in his legs and they cannot operate because he would die on the table. I've spoken to multiple doctors and there is nothing else that can be done for him. His kidney doctor recommended that he stop going to dialysis because he was so miserable the last time he went.

So now it's day 3 since he's had a dialysis treatment. It's only a matter of days before the toxins build up in his blood and he will pass. The kidney doctor said that the toxins will feel like a natural sedative and dad will get sleepier and sleepier as it builds. So I'm hoping he will have a comfortable passing along with the pain medication he's on.

I've still been breaking down a lot but I walk out so he doesn't see it. I've asked family and friends to do the same because dad doesn't want to see people sad. He enjoys just hearing me, family and friends conversing around him while he rests. Even after all he's been through, he still worries about me and the dog. I've tried telling him I'm 30 years old and I'm going to be ok but I guess that's what a parent does.

I've read that a lot of people get a little better right before they die and it seems this is happening now. The past two days he's done really good and seems to have a little more strength and eating really good too.

Again I want to thank everyone for listening and giving me advice.
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Old 11-23-2015, 09:24 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,649,982 times
Reputation: 6686
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
Hello everyone, sorry it's been a few days. He is now in comfort care at the nursing home. He has no circulation in his legs and they cannot operate because he would die on the table. I've spoken to multiple doctors and there is nothing else that can be done for him. His kidney doctor recommended that he stop going to dialysis because he was so miserable the last time he went.

So now it's day 3 since he's had a dialysis treatment. It's only a matter of days before the toxins build up in his blood and he will pass. The kidney doctor said that the toxins will feel like a natural sedative and dad will get sleepier and sleepier as it builds. So I'm hoping he will have a comfortable passing along with the pain medication he's on.

I've still been breaking down a lot but I walk out so he doesn't see it. I've asked family and friends to do the same because dad doesn't want to see people sad. He enjoys just hearing me, family and friends conversing around him while he rests. Even after all he's been through, he still worries about me and the dog. I've tried telling him I'm 30 years old and I'm going to be ok but I guess that's what a parent does.

I've read that a lot of people get a little better right before they die and it seems this is happening now. The past two days he's done really good and seems to have a little more strength and eating really good too.

Again I want to thank everyone for listening and giving me advice.
OP:

Really sorry for you. Of course your parent will worry about you (at least most do)! I understand your not wanting to upset him.... I would be the same way with my dad.

I hope that he is comfortable, and I hope that you'll get/have whatever support you need through this -- even if its just the shoulder of a friend to express your grief at losing a beloved parent.

My best to you.
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Old 11-23-2015, 10:03 AM
 
9,006 posts, read 2,786,613 times
Reputation: 5501
Rebellious, I am so very sorry, dear one, about your father. This is such a difficult time for both of you. My husband and I will be facing this decision very soon with my own precious father-in-law. You are doing the best you can, and your father knows that, and loves you very much for loving him so well.

Many hugs to you both.
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Old 11-23-2015, 08:59 PM
 
2,635 posts, read 3,380,979 times
Reputation: 6975
You are a very good son.

Your father is lucky to have you by his side.
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Old 11-23-2015, 09:57 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,562 posts, read 4,104,177 times
Reputation: 15768
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebellious1 View Post
I've read that a lot of people get a little better right before they die and it seems this is happening now. The past two days he's done really good and seems to have a little more strength and eating really good too.

Again I want to thank everyone for listening and giving me advice.
You and your dad are in my prayers, rebellious. This is how my father died -- he couldn't tolerate dialysis any longer. His last treatment was on a Wednesday -- he went for treatment on Friday and his blood pressure was so low that they couldn't do dialysis. He passed away the following Friday, 9 days after his last dialysis treatment. He was alert and present for about five or six days. He then grew more and more tired, frequent naps, and then fell asleep about 36 hours before he died, and just didn't wake up. Very, very, very peaceful.

Bring the dog to the nursing home, if you can. Both will find it comforting.
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