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Old 12-15-2015, 11:42 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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If you are careful and creative, you may find an excellent FT caregiver who wants to park their Motorhome on site.
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Old 12-16-2015, 12:19 AM
 
5,076 posts, read 8,515,909 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
This is kind of what I was getting at too. People have ways of managing in remote Montana.
The ones that do manage, do.

I think OP is concerned his parents won't manage.
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Old 12-16-2015, 10:33 AM
 
Location: SW US
2,220 posts, read 2,037,561 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mkarch View Post
The ones that do manage, do.

I think OP is concerned his parents won't manage.
It depends on how both sides define "manage".
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Old 12-17-2015, 06:20 PM
 
4,454 posts, read 7,211,616 times
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"Manage" for me is to live if they want to live/not die due to oversight or miscalculation. It'd be nice if I could get them to stack the odds in their favor a little... like I said, putting real winter tires on their car for winter months would Really make me happy. I'd consider that a win.

Having weekly help showing up to help clean is nice too, though I know they're going to let things get out of control/unmanageable before asking for help.

I spoke with my dad tonight and he seriously downplayed everything when compared with what my aunt passed onto my wife. So I sent her a note letting her know and asking for more details if she has them.

Whee... let the fun begin.
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:08 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,643,472 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M View Post
"Manage" for me is to live if they want to live/not die due to oversight or miscalculation. It'd be nice if I could get them to stack the odds in their favor a little... like I said, putting real winter tires on their car for winter months would Really make me happy. I'd consider that a win.

Having weekly help showing up to help clean is nice too, though I know they're going to let things get out of control/unmanageable before asking for help.

I spoke with my dad tonight and he seriously downplayed everything when compared with what my aunt passed onto my wife. So I sent her a note letting her know and asking for more details if she has them.

Whee... let the fun begin.
It really is a balance.

At what point do you basically say "they're adults, this is the route they've chosen, and if it shortens their life by a couple of years ... so be it?"

I'm not picking on you OP - it's something that's very prevalent on these boards. For me, my parents had a total collapse and ended up in rehab centers/nursing homes. I brought them to my house, because the nursing home was doing nothing to address stabilizing their serious medical issues and additionally was bankrupting for the privilege of their borderline negligent care.

Had those emergencies not happened, I don't know that I'd have stepped in to their care. Sure, I would have done things to make their lives a bit easier when I could - but I wouldn't have attempted to "take over" - as became necessary once they could no longer live on their own (because they both became bed ridden).

I hope your parents are willing to take on some assistance if it will make their lives better, and provide them (and you!) some comfort.

But if they're not willing to - and are mentally competent - well - then that's a different issue, which is accepting that they're potentially okay with having shorter lives, as long as they are lived on their own terms.
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:19 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,821 posts, read 18,803,182 times
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I think you know deep down that you will have to make them sell their house and move into something smaller such as a condo and closer to you or other family because they will not manage without such a move and we all have to fact that at some point in their lives that we must do what is best for our aging parents , both my parents are gone but we moved them into assisted living for a while until they passed they did not like it but too bad they would have passed out where they lived and no one would have known for several weeks . OP would you want someone to find them dead like that for weeks ? I think not . It is time to do what you know is best for them and that is too make them move and sell the house .
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Old 12-18-2015, 11:55 AM
 
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People of older age or with health issues that have chosen to live remotely without the financial resources to afford live in/ live on the property help are going to have major problems. Even a broken leg for a single person living remote might require some sort of live in help during healing.

If they have the financial resources they can always live wherever. There are employment headhunter type services that employers can use to find vetted staff. Heartland nannies and caregivers in Missoula is one example.
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Old 12-18-2015, 11:57 AM
 
Location: SW US
2,220 posts, read 2,037,561 times
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You cannot "make" mentally competent adults do what you want them to do, nor IMHO, should you even consider this. I have seen disastrous consequences when a child does this to a parent.

Take the time to incrementally add additional layers of home care. Do it slowly, little by little. They have already begun this process by hiring some help.

If they die there, it is not the end of the world. Some people might prefer to die at home quickly, rather than after weeks or months in a hospital or nursing home. If they are dead in their home for weeks, does that really matter? I mean if they are dead, they aren't suffering. It's inconvenient for you, but you can probably hire someone to handle it if you don't want to.
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:10 PM
 
4,454 posts, read 7,211,616 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Briolat21 View Post
...which is accepting that they're potentially okay with having shorter lives, as long as they are lived on their own terms.
Oh, already there. I've witnessed too many people strung along by western medicine with Miserable (read "no") quality of life, simply meat suits that were still capable of breathing and eating. I wouldn't wish that on Anyone or anything (trying to get my wife on board with putting down our 14y/o dog right now too... the dog just isn't happy/joyful like she used to be, but it's hard because she's still under her own power, eats well enough, gets excited for the first 3~5 minutes of a walk...)


Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61
I think you know deep down that you will have to make them sell their house and move into something smaller such as a condo and closer to you or other family...
Sorry, but I don't know that at all. Actually, doing such (not that I could right now anyway as both are still in full mental control) would guarantee a quick end of life. Nothing like taking away the last reason they really have to live. You see, there are no grandkids, they don't travel, HATE hot weather (all other family is in AZ, TX, AL and me in GA) and frankly would rather be found dead after a week. Not that I have any worry of them Both meeting the end at the same time unless it was a car accident. My mom can't walk/stand very well but does daily PT/exercise and is healthy for 69. And "make them" is not in my nature as it indicates they are still mentally aware. If that's the case, they either choose to stay and die sooner or sell and live a couple years longer but still die. If not, they will be completely unaware and I'm not "making" them do anything, they're just along for the ride.

Sounds like my parents and I are distinctly different from you and yours. I would Rather they finished life where they want to be, even if it meant they died years sooner. It's what I'd want, and that's always been the best moral compass to which I've had access. I'm certainly not going to make them abandon the thing upon which they built all their dreams of post-retirement.
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Old 12-18-2015, 12:18 PM
 
3,758 posts, read 10,643,472 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M View Post
Oh, already there. I've witnessed too many people strung along by western medicine with Miserable (read "no") quality of life, simply meat suits that were still capable of breathing and eating. I wouldn't wish that on Anyone or anything (trying to get my wife on board with putting down our 14y/o dog right now too... the dog just isn't happy/joyful like she used to be, but it's hard because she's still under her own power, eats well enough, gets excited for the first 3~5 minutes of a walk...)




Sorry, but I don't know that at all. Actually, doing such (not that I could right now anyway as both are still in full mental control) would guarantee a quick end of life. Nothing like taking away the last reason they really have to live. You see, there are no grandkids, they don't travel, HATE hot weather (all other family is in AZ, TX, AL and me in GA) and frankly would rather be found dead after a week. Not that I have any worry of them Both meeting the end at the same time unless it was a car accident. My mom can't walk/stand very well but does daily PT/exercise and is healthy for 69. And "make them" is not in my nature as it indicates they are still mentally aware. If that's the case, they either choose to stay and die sooner or sell and live a couple years longer but still die. If not, they will be completely unaware and I'm not "making" them do anything, they're just along for the ride.

Sounds like my parents and I are distinctly different from you and yours. I would Rather they finished life where they want to be, even if it meant they died years sooner. It's what I'd want, and that's always been the best moral compass to which I've had access. I'm certainly not going to make them abandon the thing upon which they built all their dreams of post-retirement.
From my perspective then, all you can do is provide help - IF you're asked to, and if you're willing to.

Your aunt may have every reason to be concerned, but if your parents don't want help there's not too much you can do.

The fact that they've taken some steps to help themselves (hiring some help around the house) is good - but if that's all they're willing to do - then that's it.

That doesn't mean you can't make some suggestions, if you find out about some awesome programs that they might be unaware of.

But it sounds like you've got a good attitude/perspective regarding them/their wishes and the fact that you can't (nor should you necessarily) "MAKE" them do anything.
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