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Old 02-06-2016, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,693 posts, read 4,731,975 times
Reputation: 28198

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M View Post
Update time.
Sorry, Brian. You tried.

We just got back from a week of visiting Aged P and the upshot is:

Quote:
Complete and utter waste of my time and energy.
We might as well have stayed home.

Quote:
At this point I'm just going to sit back and wait for the inevitable phone call... If that's how they want to be, then I'm going to leave them to it and best wishes.
I couldn't have said it any better.
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Old 02-07-2016, 03:43 AM
 
11,256 posts, read 43,439,794 times
Reputation: 14942
BrianM ... sounds like you've encountered exactly the same situation as we did that I mentioned in my prior post (#20).
As I pointed out then, "It's unlikely that this will be a pleasant journey from this point onward for any of the parties ... you or your parents."

You tried to help, it was rejected.

All you can really do now is wait for that phone call which you reasonably know will be coming someday. Whatever form it takes, do what you have to do when the time comes ...

but, in the interim, best not to put any more energy into this. It's a no-win situation for you.

Sorry for your losses, but that's the path your folks have set out to follow.
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:11 AM
 
2,635 posts, read 3,378,569 times
Reputation: 6975
Actually, I am more optimistic than you. Slightly

Your Mom seems to realize where things are going, and has enough influence on your father that they have hired a housekeeper. More things will probably come after that, as she seems to be realizing. I would just make sure there is a handyman etc.. and they have the phone numbers to call them if/when they are needed.

The one thing that is utterly terrifying is his driving. People have the right to risk their own lives in their homes, but not to take my life by hitting me head on while driving 70 miles per hour. I missed whether your mother can drive... she should start taking over. Or part of me thinks that a call to the local police or state DMV or his doctor to give them a hint as to what is going on may be in order... at some point.

Falling asleep while driving is sleep apnea unless proven otherwise. Does he snore?

They hear you, even though they refuse to follow your demands. Remember, they sound like unreasonable demands to them. It takes time....
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Old 02-07-2016, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,060 posts, read 17,382,869 times
Reputation: 41514
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
Actually, I am more optimistic than you. Slightly

Your Mom seems to realize where things are going, and has enough influence on your father that they have hired a housekeeper. More things will probably come after that, as she seems to be realizing. I would just make sure there is a handyman etc.. and they have the phone numbers to call them if/when they are needed.

The one thing that is utterly terrifying is his driving. People have the right to risk their own lives in their homes, but not to take my life by hitting me head on while driving 70 miles per hour. I missed whether your mother can drive... she should start taking over. Or part of me thinks that a call to the local police or state DMV or his doctor to give them a hint as to what is going on may be in order... at some point.

Falling asleep while driving is sleep apnea unless proven otherwise. Does he snore?

They hear you, even though they refuse to follow your demands. Remember, they sound like unreasonable demands to them. It takes time....

I was thinking the same thing.

Two years an elderly man in our community ran head on into another car and killed an entire family including the parents and two young children. He was in his early 80s and the courts sent him to prison.

His family said that they knew that he was unsafe behind the wheel but did not want to "hurt his feelings" and discuss his dangerous driving with him. Now four people are dead and an elderly man is in prison.

I am very sorry if I sound harsh, but innocent children and other families share the road with your father. I know it would cause problems, but how would you feel if it was your children that were killed by him in a car accident?

If you don't feel that you can talk to him directly, call the police or DMV, anonymously and tell them that a "neighbor" or "friend" appears to be an unsafe driver and should have a retest. Or call his doctor with your concerns.

When my 87 year old aunt lost her drivers license it was the key motivation that resulted in her happily moving into a senior living apartment. It may be motivation for your dad & mom to make productive changes in their life, too.

Good luck to you.
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Old 02-09-2016, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,931 posts, read 36,237,009 times
Reputation: 63576
Augh. So many issues. Brian, I am so sorry you're going through this.

The thing about "waiting for the inevitable phone call," is that this forces you into a reactive, rather than proactive, mode. And I hate to say it but your dad is probably fine with this because it means that he's still in "control" and you're NOT. But the sad thing is, he's not really in control either - he just thinks he is. Believe me, the **** is likely to hit the fan and when it does, it's going to get all over him as well as you. And God knows what other innocent bystanders, with his driving skills or lack thereof.

I've told this story before but it bears repeating. My grandfather was fiercely independent. He insisted that he could drive. Finally, he got so bad that my grandmother refused to ride with him, and instead insisted on driving her own car by herself, behind him, everywhere they went.

So one day, she was sitting in the car behind him, as he stopped at a stop sign, and then she watched in horror as he pulled right out in front of a truck, which T boned him right where she would have been sitting, and the wreck severely injured my grandfather - and killed the 21 year old driver of the truck.

She got to see all that first hand. But hey, at least she wasn't sitting in the passenger seat when the wreck happened.

The only reason why the family didn't sue the socks off my grandfather was because the driver who was killed was driving on a revoked license. I guess you could say that my grandfather caught a lucky break with that one. But he had a serious concussion and that was the beginning of the end for him. He never recovered and died within about 18 months of the accident.

Anyway, back to "reactive vs proactive." Your parents' refusal to discuss and coordinate these things with you does not bode well for their future, or yours. While I applaud them for their determination to remain independent, what they don't realize is that it is just about impossible for elderly people to remain truly independent till they eventually pass on. And it is incredibly unfair for them to expect others to drop everything and immediately address their emergency needs, when things could run so much more smoothly for EVERYONE with some pre-crisis planning.

The crisis is inevitable. It's just the timing that you don't know about. Believe me, when it happens, it is not going to happen conveniently.
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Old 02-10-2016, 03:17 PM
 
4,754 posts, read 4,038,156 times
Reputation: 9967
http://buckleup.mt.gov/docs/facts-ab...ving-aging.pdf
Here's how you report an unsafe driver in Montana. I believe it is anonymous. Just do it. He could kill someone.

Snow tires are common sense equipment for anyone who lives off the pavement.

There will likely a local wood guy that can deliver firewood blocked & split, because there is a sawmill at White Sulphur.

You expressed your concerns. Do not beat yourself up.
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Old 02-11-2016, 09:39 AM
 
519 posts, read 703,280 times
Reputation: 977
Brian, dear Brian,
Please don't beat yourself up as the above poster mentioned. My dad, who died last March, was large and in charge almost until the day he died. He tried to get out of bed and "escape" his nursing home days before he expired. This was a man who refused to get up and use his legs and his walker because he was afraid of falling.
I'm just telling you this because I found it helpful to know that it wasn't just us this kind of situation was happening to...it's very, very common for a parent to be dismissive and angry at the child for assuming an adult role in the caregiver situation. You are the child, how dare you suggest (out of love) that the parent listen to you.
I second the anonymous call about the driving. You can only do what they are willing to have done. For now
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