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Old 12-24-2015, 01:32 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,659 posts, read 6,957,805 times
Reputation: 13962

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Quote:
Originally Posted by petch751 View Post
Yep. My uncle told me that I should move in with my mom. Obviously he doesn't care if I lose my own home or my marriage, in his eyes, it's my responsibility regardless of the harm it does to me. Old geezer.
Easy for him to say, isn't it?
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Old 12-24-2015, 01:33 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,588,424 times
Reputation: 33951
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
Yes, it does often work this way because the men simply will NOT step up.

I hope you aren't married but if you are - I hope your wife refuses to wipe the azz of your aging parents.

Best of luck!
Don't put all men in the same category. I took care of both my parents.
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Old 12-24-2015, 01:43 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,588,424 times
Reputation: 33951
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts View Post
But you don't have to take care of your parents. You are CHOOSING to do so. It has nothing to do with being male or female. Heck, you could be a penguin or pug.

You can't force your brother to do anything. He's an adult. You may not like his choices, but they are his choices to make. Just as you have your own choices to make. You chose to take care of your family. So if you're miserable, then it's up to YOU to do something about it. Your brother or sister is under no obligation to take care of the adults in the family. Neither are you.
Per your comments you have a horrible, horrible mother. Nobody would blame you for not wanting to help her if need be.

The OP isn't talking about parents like that. I would really hope if you had decent loving parents who gave you everything you needed and more that you would help them.

No one has to do anything. Other than pay bills and eat to stay alive.

However when you love someone you do what you can.

No one is under any obligation to say anything about the dog in the car in the parking lot on a 90 degree day either, but hopefully someone takes action.

What a world if everyone just turned their back and said "not my problem".

What also is lost on you, and I bet you won't comment on this one....LOL. Is that in many times in this situation the sibling that does nothing somehow now manages to show up once the parent has passed. Now the work is done and it's time for reading of the will and whose getting the house. They didn't have time before, but now they magically have time when it comes to $$$$$$.
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Old 12-24-2015, 05:32 PM
 
Location: Washington state
450 posts, read 370,126 times
Reputation: 637
Quote:
Originally Posted by JasonF View Post
Maybe parents get what they give?

Decades of playing favorites might have quite an impact on how inclined one feels to help out later in life.

YES, yes, and yes. In fact mine chose to move to be closer to a child with whom they have a strained relationship instead of near us, when I have helped them out for over 10 years, so they pretty much deserve what they get IMHO
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Old 12-24-2015, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,702,224 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
What also is lost on you, and I bet you won't comment on this one....LOL. Is that in many times in this situation the sibling that does nothing somehow now manages to show up once the parent has passed. Now the work is done and it's time for reading of the will and whose getting the house. They didn't have time before, but now they magically have time when it comes to $$$$$$.
Oh we've been through this with my husband's family. It was a nightmare for everyone involved. Took years through the court system......over 5 years....no one won. It tore the siblings apart.


I want nothing from my parents when they go.....all 3 of them. Yup, I have 2 dads. I honestly don't want anything. I don't want to be stuck cleaning the house out. I want nothing to do with any of it. If my siblings do, good for them. They weren't abused like I was, but they're less than thrilled with our mother. I can't imagine her living with any of us kids.

Years ago she would tell me she was moving in with me when she was old and I would tell her I was moving out then. She thought I was kidding! She never asked to live with me. Just assumed it would be ok with me and my husband. My husband said it would be a cold day in hell before she moves in with us. We'd move back south again if we had to just to escape from her. How sad is that?
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Old 12-24-2015, 06:34 PM
 
3,774 posts, read 1,993,913 times
Reputation: 3214
The important thing is, while you're assisting your parents now to also :

1) take care of yourself now via 401K (I know I know, the Dow dropped about 2% this year)

2) pay off your own house before 67 (retirement age) so that the vicious cycle of kids and guilt of helping their parents out (money and dwelling) is cut for your children, and

3) educate and even assist in managing you children's financial life so they don't make the mistakes your parents made and let this be the legacy you will leave to your children.
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Old 12-25-2015, 09:42 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
9,352 posts, read 16,766,093 times
Reputation: 11458
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
I'm an only child so this wasn't my scenario - but I do see it play out all the time. It often falls to one person - simply the one who will do it and often lives the closest. I see it with my cousin (female) who, I SWEAR, was groomed from birth to be a caregiver. Her brother, who was often broke and in debt, got stacks of money from Mom but now can't be bothered to visit. I seriously do NOT know how he feels no guilt. She's 93 and he won't even come up for Christmas this year. I simply could not do that.

..........


.

This is the to the "T" description of my family dynamics..... including the stacks of money part.... My brother would say that he "couldn't take seeing Mom like that."

In the 8+ years she was in a nursing home here, he and his family came up from Houston maybe three times..... always on MY dime because I wanted my mom to see her son and grandson......

Mom passed in 2006 and my brother married a VERY wealthy woman in 2013.... I no longer have a THING to do with him.....
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Old 12-26-2015, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,947 posts, read 7,871,271 times
Reputation: 11164
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Really? And what happens when there are no daughters?

Ridiculous comment, BTW Marc your CD name is your real name and you're a realtor in NJ?

Not too smart on your part. You will lose business when perspective clients Google your name and your CD comments come up.

If you have decent parents ALL SIBLINGS should help out in some way.
It's not a ridiculous comment, it's an observed reality. In most families, the females handle the close physical care of dying. And when there are no daughters, people often get hired.

VERY FEW MALES wipe their mom's or dad's behind when they are 90 and in hospice and the plumbing no longer works.

I did not say guys can't do it, or never do it. I said they usually don't do it. The females in most families end up picking up this end of things. I have seen it a thousand times.

By the way, all people on this forum should come out of hiding and post under their real names. What are y'all afraid of? I don't really give a damn if my opinions lose me business. And by the way, my "radical" opinions, which are really common sense, have gotten me many clients from this forum. Believe it or not, some people actually want a rational and tough agent! Even in the "feelings based" PC BS society we have degraded ourselves into becoming.
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Old 12-26-2015, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,289 posts, read 35,830,630 times
Reputation: 62644
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
It's not a ridiculous comment, it's an observed reality. In most families, the females handle the close physical care of dying. And when there are no daughters, people often get hired.

VERY FEW MALES wipe their mom's or dad's behind when they are 90 and in hospice and the plumbing no longer works.

I did not say guys can't do it, or never do it. I said they usually don't do it. The females in most families end up picking up this end of things. I have seen it a thousand times.
But that's not really what you said. What you REALLY said was:

Quote:
The close physical care of a dying parent is one that is better carried out by the female sex. You can't argue with me. That is how it naturally happens in most families. It is not debated, it just happens that way naturally. And always has. And always will. Guys should help as much as possible, but the close physical stuff always has been, is now, and always will be, the primary duty of the women in the family.
Definition of "duty:"

1
: conduct due to parents and superiors : respect
2
a : obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from one's position (as in life or in a group)
b (1) : assigned service or business (2) : active military service (3) : a period of being on duty
3
a : a moral or legal obligation
b : the force of moral obligation
Duty | Definition of Duty by Merriam-Webster

This is markedly different from your revised words.

It is no more a woman's "duty" to change her elderly parents' adult diapers than it is a man's duty. Women are not "better at it" naturally, or because it is their "duty," but I guess more women than men feel like it's something they SHOULD do in some circumstances.

And that's not a positive reflection on the males in our society, by the way. Just because something has "always been done that way," doesn't mean it's the morally superior or better way to do it. If that was the case, Jewish people would be stoning their kids at the city gates when they got sassy, and we'd be trying people for witchcraft by tying their hands behind their backs and throwing them in the river to see if they sank or swam.
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Old 12-26-2015, 12:03 PM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,947 posts, read 7,871,271 times
Reputation: 11164
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
But that's not really what you said. What you REALLY said was:



Definition of "duty:"

1
: conduct due to parents and superiors : respect
2
a : obligatory tasks, conduct, service, or functions that arise from one's position (as in life or in a group)
b (1) : assigned service or business (2) : active military service (3) : a period of being on duty
3
a : a moral or legal obligation
b : the force of moral obligation
Duty | Definition of Duty by Merriam-Webster

This is markedly different from your revised words.

It is no more a woman's "duty" to change her elderly parents' adult diapers than it is a man's duty. Women are not "better at it" naturally, or because it is their "duty," but I guess more women than men feel like it's something they SHOULD do in some circumstances.

And that's not a positive reflection on the males in our society, by the way. Just because something has "always been done that way," doesn't mean it's the morally superior or better way to do it. If that was the case, Jewish people would be stoning their kids at the city gates when they got sassy, and we'd be trying people for witchcraft by tying their hands behind their backs and throwing them in the river to see if they sank or swam.
I did not use the word duty, so it's introduction by you implies that you misinterpreted my statement. However, I do think that women are better at this type of maternal care than men, and that is why it is empirically observed that without outside influence or political opinion or phony fake feminazi self-righteousness, this is what seems to naturally happen in most families.

There ARE maternal qualities possessed by women and not by men. And those qualities suit themselves naturally to the close physical care of birth AND death.

And that's just the reality of the situation.
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