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IMO, "sticking" the job with another sibling is not the solution. It's totally unfair. If one sibling has to do it, all should share the burden to the extent possible.
I almost want to agree with this, but I think usually there are many measures short of suicide that could relieve the burden on family, and should be implemented. Be willing to leave your private home with all the maintenance that must be done by someone else. Be willing to downsize, use public transit if you can, go shopping less often, accept help from non-family, reduce other spending to conserve funds for paid help, etc. Shop online. Learn to use an e-reader so you don't need a weekly library trip. Don't expect everything to be as it was when you were younger, now that every task requires someone else's time and energy.
The problem with a lot of elders is that the won't accept change. They want everything to stay the way it was for them, even if it puts a huge burden on someone else.
For those who actually require intensive caregiving, there are facilities, and there is Medicaid for those who can't pay. Nobody should ever expect their family to keep them (or their surviving spouse) out of a nursing home when skilled nursing care is what they need. If they'd rather end their life prematurely than spend their last days in a facility, that should be their choice.
Amen and amen, all the way around. Especially the bolded parts!
My inlaws thought that money would solve everything. So they saved a ton of money (instead of using it to make their lives easier and more enjoyable) and refused to change anything. They apparently thought that they could hire anything that needed to be done, done.
They refused to move from their large house on three acres in a tiny town - meaning that they had to drive considerable distances for advanced medical care, which REALLY meant that they either accepted substandard care or needed a family member to take them to better facilities. Good luck hiring someone as a driver, especially when you can barely keep your own appointments straight.
They didn't want to inconvenience family - that wasn't their original intent, but it's what happened, for various reasons. On top of insisting on living in a house on property that was too big for them to handle, and consequently enjoy - way out in the country an hour's drive at LEAST from other family - they also didn't want to ask for help from anyone. They resisted accepting help, even when it became absolutely and abundantly clear that they definitely needed that help. "Good help" was very hard to find in such a small town. The medical facilities were terrible.
Long story short (the regulars here have already read the longer version over the years - LOL), their lives had a very sad and very inconvenient end - an end that dragged out and dragged the stuffing out of everyone who tried to help them.
Money is only a very small part of the whole equation. People have to have some common sense and realistic expectations of themselves and others. They can't be in denial, or try to continue living as if they were in their forties. They shouldn't continue driving when they are a danger to themselves or others. They shouldn't expect to continue living in a house and on property they can't possibly continue to maintain.
If they don't have common sense and good communication skills, things can get gnarly quickly.
Sometimes it's not about the money. Here's the post you were responding to:
Sometimes, no matter how well parents have planned, no matter how much money they've set aside, they still need lots of help - and it would be GREAT if that help came from people who they love rather than strangers. It's very common for one adult child to basically get "stuck" with doing all the extra caregiving that is required. The post above isn't talking about fiscal responsibility - it's a post from that "lucky adult kid" who lives close enough to bear the brunt of the duties that "money can't buy," such as, for instance, being the one who goes with the parent to the doctor's visits, or being the one the nursing home calls when Mom has to be taken to the ER, the one who sits up all night at the ER with Mom, the one who does all the running around to the bank, to the CPA, getting tax paperwork together, or arranging for help to come in, or running errands because the person the elderly parent tried to hire was really a con artist who was trying to steal from the parent, etc etc etc
I'm pretty sure if you only make $25k a year, no one is going to be counting on you when it comes to finances. But there are other needs that take a toll on the sibling or child who gets to be the one who's mowing the yard, or being a driver, or writing out checks, or taking Dad to see an estate attorney because he can't drive anymore, or going over and trying to give a dog pills because Mom can't see well enough to do that anymore but her precious dog needs daily medication - you get the picture, right?
Yeah that would be me. It SUCKS. Sibs both live many hours away, so lucky lucky me. I do have a sister than comes down every few weekends, so she is a huge help when she is here - that's my time to disappear!
My inlaws thought that money would solve everything. So they saved a ton of money (instead of using it to make their lives easier and more enjoyable) and refused to change anything. They apparently thought that they could hire anything that needed to be done, done.
They refused to move from their large house on three acres in a tiny town - meaning that they had to drive considerable distances for advanced medical care, which REALLY meant that they either accepted substandard care or needed a family member to take them to better facilities. Good luck hiring someone as a driver, especially when you can barely keep your own appointments straight.
They didn't want to inconvenience family - that wasn't their original intent, but it's what happened, for various reasons. On top of insisting on living in a house on property that was too big for them to handle, and consequently enjoy - way out in the country an hour's drive at LEAST from other family - they also didn't want to ask for help from anyone. They resisted accepting help, even when it became absolutely and abundantly clear that they definitely needed that help. "Good help" was very hard to find in such a small town. The medical facilities were terrible.
Long story short (the regulars here have already read the longer version over the years - LOL), their lives had a very sad and very inconvenient end - an end that dragged out and dragged the stuffing out of everyone who tried to help them.
Money is only a very small part of the whole equation. People have to have some common sense and realistic expectations of themselves and others. They can't be in denial, or try to continue living as if they were in their forties. They shouldn't continue driving when they are a danger to themselves or others. They shouldn't expect to continue living in a house and on property they can't possibly continue to maintain.
If they don't have common sense and good communication skills, things can get gnarly quickly.
Then you see over on the Retirement forum, things like "I hate the city .... can't wait to relo to X acres with horses .... wide open mountain vistas and dew dropped quiet mornings ..." yada, yada.
Then you see over on the Retirement forum, things like "I hate the city .... can't wait to relo to X acres with horses .... wide open mountain vistas and dew dropped quiet mornings ..." yada, yada.
Meh.
I am sorry my parents couldn't have lived the life they wanted longer. As it is, my dad retired in '92. They didn't move in with me until '09. (though most of '08 was spent in a hospital/rehab center). I have no doubt that had dad not suffered an injury that led to his immobility, they'd have stayed on their own much longer.
As it is - they had 15-ish years of retirement in the manner they wanted (in their home). I don't see why anyone who wants that shouldn't have it provided they can afford it.
Of course I'm okay with the fact that my dad is living with me now. I don't really see an alternative, but I suppose if I hated it I'd be busy working to get him on medicaid/etc and put him in a home. Which is usually an option for those out there saying they were forced into it. Unless of course you're in a filial responsibility state. Those people can truly say they were forced into it.
Of course I'm okay with the fact that my dad is living with me now. I don't really see an alternative, but I suppose if I hated it I'd be busy working to get him on medicaid/etc and put him in a home. Which is usually an option for those out there saying they were forced into it. Unless of course you're in a filial responsibility state. Those people can truly say they were forced into it.
Having a parent live with me is not an option. I work full time and am not home enough to care for a cat, much less an elderly parent. Not sure what filial responsibility states have to do with it.
Then you see over on the Retirement forum, things like "I hate the city .... can't wait to relo to X acres with horses .... wide open mountain vistas and dew dropped quiet mornings ..." yada, yada.
Oh I know - it's sort of ridiculous.
After all this with my inlaws (and my parents to some extent though they've used better judgment), my husband and I made this pact - we're in our fifties:
We may buy a place with a couple of acres, but it has to be within 20 minutes of good medical facilities. Also, the MINUTE either of us becomes chronically ill or incapacitated, we will sell that place and move to a zero lot line sort of house IN TOWN within minutes of healthcare facilities. Regardless of that, if both of us make it to age 65 without significant health issues, we will still move to that sort of living situation, before the inevitable happens.
My parents did a bit better than my inlaws - even though they waited till they were about 72 to move from acreage out in the country to a smaller house in a decent town with good medical care. They had to live the inconvenience to really understand that it was unworkable in the long run. Still - better late than never.
I was born in 60 and call myself tail end baby boomer. By the time we started out the previous boomers already drove up housing prices up, jobs were still available but... we had hyperinflation, gas lines a mile long, and then there was the sky high interest rates of the 80's. We do not get pensions which our parents did and now we are the sandwich generation saving for our retirement and elder years but at the same time having to provide for and take care of our parents.
You also worked through the 90's, one of the most lucrative times in current history.
I was born when you were, and those things you describe were ancient history by the time I hit my stride as a working adult.
We don't get many pensions, but we do have retirement accounts, which have been around a long time and should give the sort of retirement that pensions did.
Not everyone cares for an elderly parent. My mom returned to the workforce in 1985 after being a stay at home mom for over 20 years, and she managed to save quite a bit and now enjoys a wonderful retirement thanks to her retirement account.
I am sorry my parents couldn't have lived the life they wanted longer. As it is, my dad retired in '92. They didn't move in with me until '09. (though most of '08 was spent in a hospital/rehab center). I have no doubt that had dad not suffered an injury that led to his immobility, they'd have stayed on their own much longer.
As it is - they had 15-ish years of retirement in the manner they wanted (in their home). I don't see why anyone who wants that shouldn't have it provided they can afford it.
Like I said earlier - MONEY doesn't solve everything.
It's often not a matter of whether they can afford it or not - it can become a matter of how inconvenienced everyone else is by their insistence on living in a home or on property they really can't manage well anymore.
I already gave examples but I'll repeat myself a bit.
My inlaws both grew up really poor. They worked hard all their lives and built their "dream home" when they were in their fifties. It was a spacious home on three acres in a tiny little town (they were "country folks" and to them this town was the bee's knees when it came to amenities and sophistication - this podunk town of 11,000 people in the middle of nowhere, with good medical facilities about an hour away).
They had a shop, they had pecan trees, they had nice stuff - and they were in the middle of nowhere. So as they became more and more sick (as is common) and needed to go to the doctor more and more often, they began trying various ways to do this.
First - they drove. OMG. Their beautiful Buick Lucerne had all sorts of body damage within about a three year period - from them running over curbs, scraping down the sides of who knows how many other vehicles (whose owners were probably pretty irate when they came out of the store to find their vehicle damaged), hitting posts, etc. They were such terrible drivers (due to their age and illnesses) that we refused to let them drive us anywhere, and begged them to quit driving. Finally, their insurance company just dropped them - and still they drove. Believe me, every other driver on the road was in peril when they were driving.
Then - they tried to hire someone to drive them. I mean, they had the money. They could still "afford" to live independently, right? They also tried to hire people to do the yard, to cook for them, to come clean the house, etc. Sounds good, right? Except it wasn't good. First of all, THEY couldn't keep their appointments straight, so half the time they'd forget to line up someone to take them to an appointment - and off they'd go again, in that uninsured vehicle (once it took them five hours to make the one hour drive home because they were so confused - we found this out later from the housekeeper). Secondly, they'd line up a driver - who then wouldn't show up half the time. I can't really blame them - it's no fun at any price to drive either of them somewhere an hour away, wait for them at the doctor, drive them back, etc.
They wouldn't let us help them at first. They hid appointments from us. They would say "Thanks, but we don't have any appointments this week," and then the housekeeper would call us and fret about them taking off down the road to a doctor's appointment and she was worried about them driving. We lived an hour away. We couldn't just get there, pick them up, and get them an hour in the opposite direction with half an hour's notice. We called several times a week begging them to coordinate with us so we could drive them instead - but no. It was like herding cats.
Meanwhile, their yard was starting to look like hell. Mole trails everywhere, grass overgrown. Tree limbs everywhere. We had several storms - with subsequent tree damage. They REFUSED to let us come over to clean things up, and refused to let us hire someone to do it. Now - these people had plenty of money. I don't know what the problem was, but they just wouldn't get it done, and wouldn't let anyone else do it either. (We finally hired someone the very first time both of them were in the hospital at the same time - the first of several times that happened in fact.)
They lived in a nice neighborhood with big spacious lots and their neighbors began mowing their front yard just because they didn't want the neighborhood to look bad. When we finally tracked down who was doing it, we began paying them - which ticked us off because my inlaws had plenty of money to pay someone, so why on earth wouldn't they just take care of their business? After all - they "could afford it."
They went through numerous housekeepers - none of whom worked out, for various reasons, some of which were ridiculous and actually offensive (for instance, if a service sent out someone who was African American, we knew the whole thing was doomed because they would never trust anyone who was African American). Same with cooking for them - you could bring over stuff all you wanted, but they wouldn't eat it. They fired one cook/housekeeper after another for the flimsiest of reasons, basically saying they didn't like the food they cooked. So instead, they would hop in that formerly beautiful, now beat up car and take everyone's lives into their hands running into town for fast food, pizza, JUNK in other words.
Finally, things were just so terrible, we had to step in. For one thing, they just couldn't drive any more. You can imagine that brouhaha. The house was a wreck - they were both depressed, they both just threw things around, the house was full of fast food waste and packaging, newspapers everywhere - they were literally letting the house fall down around their ears. They could "afford" to live there, but they couldn't handle living there, even with money and hired help. They were both depressed, sick, and frankly either struggling with dementia or some combo of physical and mental illness (mother in law with dementia, father in law with various illnesses coupled with depression and substance abuse). After a year or so of pure hell and all sorts of drama, finally my father in law got so sick he was hospitalized against his will, and we were able to get guardianship of my mother in law and make some overdue, tough decisions.
When people who really can't take care of themselves insist on trying to do so, they force their families and loved ones to live in a perpetual state of being reactive rather than proactive. They wouldn't coordinate or be reasonable with anyone, so when the inevitable emergencies arose, we had to drop everything and try to handle stuff - some of which was life threatening. It was the biggest mess there ever was and the awfulness dragged on for two of the longest years of my life.
Like I said, money doesn't solve everything.
The sad thing is, ten years before all this, we began trying to work with them, offering to help them move into something more manageable, closer to us so we could help more easily - from maybe fifteen minutes away rather than an hour away. It was like they could NOT see that this would ever become necessary.
Their dream house became literally a house of horrors, depression, substance abuse, and heartache before it was all said and done. If they had been proactive and realistic when they were in their late sixties or early seventies, before the inevitable health issues overwhelmed them, they could have been a lot happier and safer in their last few years together.
Having a parent live with me is not an option. I work full time and am not home enough to care for a cat, much less an elderly parent. Not sure what filial responsibility states have to do with it.
Someone more savvy than I will need explain filial responsibility.
But I believe it means children are liable to pay for parents' care, if they have the means.
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I do have a sister than comes down every few weekends, so she is a huge help when she is here - that's my time to disappear! 
