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All,
Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I slept late and really tried to take it easy today to try start to regain some of my strength. I felt a little better until...
my son (who lives 2,000 miles away) sent me an email today and said that I was being "rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful" to him and my siblings because I always sounded so negative and unhappy on the phone and in emails and that I was always sharing "bad things". I really didn't know how to respond to that.
I ended up apologizing but that did not seem right. I'm perplexed. Shouldn't I be able to share "bad things" with my adult children and siblings? Ironically, I only share a fraction of what I post here or what really happens. Sheesh!
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I continue to wonder why my son sent that email. Especially after he sent another email today reminding me how much he and my siblings were helping me and that I should feel grateful for the help that I am getting. The thing is that they really haven't helped me in any useful way for months (except for agreeing to sell some land that we jointly own, which at some point I will receive my share of the payment and my sister calls me several times per week with words of encouragement)
Maybe, some of my updates to the family were depressing, but they were the truth. Actually they were, IMHO, an upbeat, positive spin on the truth.
PS. I am having trouble with my computer. If I am gone for a few days it is probably due to being without a computer and nothing sinister.
Update.
I am still perplexed by our son's emails. Since then he has sent several, positive "normal" emails (we usually correspond by emails and only talk on the phone or Skype once a week).
I am wondering if he was just overwhelmed in his situation and he lashed out/was over-reacting due to that.
He is dad to a newborn baby and a toddler plus has a lot of other responsibilities.
---------------
Well, I was able to attend a support group one evening this week & was able to get some more ideas for respite care or activities for my husband. Plus I scheduled a therapist appointment for Monday. Her office says that one of her specialties is caregiver stress.
Also, I believe that my husband has progressed to the point that I can safety leave him for brief times (if I absolutely have to do that). I have gone to the bank or post office on Saturday morning, before they closed for the weekend, while he was sleeping at least three times and have been gone about 20 minutes each time.
I have helped him to learn how to do things that allow him a little more freedom around our apartment. Such as going to the basement parking area to return the shopping cart when we bring up groceries or get the newspaper from the lobby.
So, keep your fingers crossed everyone. And, thank you again for your kind thoughts.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-05-2016 at 08:23 AM..
All,
Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I slept late and really tried to take it easy today to try start to regain some of my strength. I felt a little better until...
my son (who lives 2,000 miles away) sent me an email today and said that I was being "rude, inconsiderate and ungrateful" to him and my siblings because I always sounded so negative and unhappy on the phone and in emails and that I was always sharing "bad things". I really didn't know how to respond to that.
I ended up apologizing but that did not seem right. I'm perplexed. Shouldn't I be able to share "bad things" with my adult children and siblings? Ironically, I only share a fraction of what I post here or what really happens. Sheesh!
You have had a really rough time of it and I sympathize greatly. I am impressed by all the effort you have put into your husband's well-being, and trying to find the absolute best help and care for him. On top of that, cleaning out a condo/home which you have lived in for years is overwhelming for two people, let alone one, especially under trying circumstances.
Your son's email was out of line and very hurtful. He does sound like he is under pressure himself, but it is unfortunate he chose to lash out at you. Perhaps, as others have suggested, you can start sending more infrequent emails and he can request updates when so moved, or maybe your daughter can keep him updated in the future.
I may have missed this, but could your sister help with your condo on weekends? I also hope you get your payment for the property sold immediately. Your brother has no legal right to retain it.
Hoping circumstances will continue to have improvements, however small, for you as you certainly deserve it!
I was also wondered if his uncharacteristic "outburst" came from being sleep deprived. It certainly is not easy being dad to a newborn plus a very active toddler. My DIL had a C-section and is a somewhat older mother (she is turning 40 this year), so I know that my son is doing all that he can do to make life easier for her.
You have had a really rough time of it and I sympathize greatly. I am impressed by all the effort you have put into your husband's well-being, and trying to find the absolute best help and care for him. On top of that, cleaning out a condo/home which you have lived in for years is overwhelming for two people, let alone one, especially under trying circumstances.
Your son's email was out of line and very hurtful. He does sound like he is under pressure himself, but it is unfortunate he chose to lash out at you. Perhaps, as others have suggested, you can start sending more infrequent emails and he can request updates when so moved, or maybe your daughter can keep him updated in the future.
I may have missed this, but could your sister help with your condo on weekends? I also hope you get your payment for the property sold immediately. Your brother has no legal right to retain it.
Hoping circumstances will continue to have improvements, however small, for you as you certainly deserve it!
My siblings do what they can but they have their own difficulties. My sister would be eager to help but she lives out of state and her husband is in his mid-80s and is quite ill. My older brother has his own severe health problems, for a while this fall he was totally housebound/almost bedridden. And, my younger brother is still working full time.
You are right that my brother has no legal right to keep the money from the property that we sold but he has always been pretty "paternalistic" towards his siblings. Since, he did/does 99% of the work regarding selling the property and managing our accounts & property, I'm going to "cut him some slack" as long as I can somewhat manage without the money. In a month or so I probably will really, really need the money and then I'll ask him again and be more insistent.
I would like to think that everyone would be as diligent and as thorough in finding help for a loved one, but I am realizing that is not always the case. I guess that is just how I was raised. Part of it may be because I am a retired special education teacher. I could often clearly see the difference in children with health problems, medical issues or various special needs when the parents worked very hard with them vs. not following through or even neglecting their needs.
I am still perplexed by our son's emails. Since then he has sent several, positive "normal" emails (we usually correspond by emails and only talk on the phone or Skype once a week).
I am wondering if he was just overwhelmed in his situation and he lashed out/was over-reacting due to that.
He is dad to a newborn baby and a toddler plus has a lot of other responsibilities.
---------------
Well, I was able to attend a support group one evening this week & was able to get some more ideas for respite care or activities for my husband. Plus I scheduled a therapist appointment for Monday. Her office says that one of her specialties is caregiver stress.
Also, I believe that my husband has progressed to the point that I can safety leave him for brief times (if I absolutely have to do that). I have gone to the bank or post office on Saturday morning, before they closed for the weekend, while he was sleeping at least three times and have been gone about 20 minutes each time.
I have helped him to learn how to do things that allow him a little more freedom around our apartment. Such as going to the basement parking area to return the shopping cart when we bring up groceries or get the newspaper from the lobby.
So, keep your fingers crossed everyone. And, thank you again for your kind thoughts.
I just has a thought, but maybe it has been considered/discussed/implemented already. Have you tried placing small video cameras around your apartment? You could set things up to enable you to monitor your husband via smartphone while on your brief excursions.
My siblings do what they can but they have their own difficulties. My sister would be eager to help but she lives out of state and her husband is in his mid-80s and is quite ill. My older brother has his own severe health problems, for a while this fall he was totally housebound/almost bedridden. And, my younger brother is still working full time.
You are right that my brother has no legal right to keep the money from the property that we sold but he has always been pretty "paternalistic" towards his siblings. Since, he did/does 99% of the work regarding selling the property and managing our accounts & property, I'm going to "cut him some slack" as long as I can somewhat manage without the money. In a month or so I probably will really, really need the money and then I'll ask him again and be more insistent.
I would like to think that everyone would be as diligent and as thorough in finding help for a loved one, but I am realizing that is not always the case. I guess that is just how I was raised. Part of it may be because I am a retired special education teacher. I could often clearly see the difference in children with health problems, medical issues or various special needs when the parents worked very hard with them vs. not following through or even neglecting their needs.
Oh my, your family is dealing with a number of issues themselves.
I can see why you are holding off a bit for your share of the property money. Hopefully your brother will understand your situation in another month when you ask again.
You have really used your skills as a special ed teacher to help your husband. Little issues can become magnified if not attended to, creating even more of a difficult situation.
I understand your dilemma of winnowing out teaching supplies/books. I have been retired for a few years and still can't quite part with my lesson plan books and other materials!
As you may remember, our son (early 30s) was here for one week over Thanksgiving (a few days after hubby got out of the hospital/rehab). Our son was very, very aggressively downsized our condo during that week. After we had an argument the very first day over him taking a large box of Jurassic Park dinosaurs, toy JP jeeps & toy JP figures, etc. and dumping them in the garbage right in front of me I was basically banned from the condo that week. He claimed that they were "his toys" and he had the right to get rid of them if he wanted to do that.
However, our compromise was that I would decide on the other things (my things & my husband's things). Our son did send me pictures of various items (while he was at the condo & I was at my new apartment) and asked if they should be saved, stored, donated or thrown away, while strongly pressuring me to get rid of things. Plus, he brought dozens of boxes to the new apartment for me to sort through.
At the end of the week, I know that he had made numerous trips to Goodwill to donate items, plus I know/suspect that he got rid of many things without asking me about them (as I have tried to find a number of things & they aren't there anymore). Relatives took numerous pieces of furniture (with my knowledge & consent) plus we donated a lot of things to the Salvation Army and had a special trash pick-up.
While he had already gone through most of his stuff from his childhood & teens years ago, he did have a shelving unit filled with items on display in our basement recreation room. There were things like his HS football helmet, a few trophies, an award for being team captain, his favorite model cars, some wooden items that he had built, items given to him by his grandparents, plus display folders and boxes of hundreds of baseball & football cards. I believe that he either threw away or donated all, or almost all, of those items (as he only left to go home with the two suitcases that he came with). He did ask me to ship him one box of books and one box of his photographs & his photograph albums plus had a couple of other items from the house to save (nothing from the display shelves from the basement).
Later, when I was doing additional downsizing in the basement, whenever I would find a box of his toys (probably about four boxes in all) I would ask him what to do with them and the answer was always "donate them". I should point out that I always made of point of getting rid of broken or damaged toys and donating less used toys so the ones saved were always in good condition and "favorites".
Hmmmm, yesterday he asked about a couple of those things that he had earlier told me to throw away or donate. He was really, really hesitant and said "Mom, is the remote control car that I built still in my bedroom closet?" (the car that he told me to donate) and I said "Yes, I did not get a chance to donate it" and he said that he had decided to save it for his son.
Then he asked about the large Tonka trucks (that his paternal grandparents had given him) and the farm toys and said that if I had not given them away yet, I should save them for when they visit this summer and we stay at a cabin. He said that his son & daughter would love to play with them when they visit.
He asked about an item that had been on his display shelf in the rec room and I said that I had not seen it since before Thanksgiving (I suspect that he had gotten rid of it but did not remember in his frenzy of downsizing) and he seemed rather disappointed.
He then asked about the Lego bricks and Duplo bricks (again he had been pretty insistent that I get rid of all of them). I said that while I still had a small box of Duplos (as I did not get to that shelf yet) there had been another very large box of Legos that I had not seen in the basement/recreation room since we started downsizing. I told him that all of his & his sister's Lego bricks and all of the instruction sheets from the various projects were stored in that one box. He was very quiet and did not say anything, so I assume that he had either given that box away or thrown it away.
I know that some of you have been following my downsizing saga and the pressure being put on me by my siblings & son to finish it as quickly as possible (even though it is very difficult for me to find the time away from my husband to do it).
I thought that you would be interested to know that my son appears to be having some second thoughts about his haste in getting rid of at least a few of those things. I doubt if that will change the pressure that everyone is putting on me, but I hope that our son remembers to slow down and take his time, the next time that he downsizes or helps someone downsize.
Thanks for being there for me.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-08-2016 at 09:20 AM..
I think I would ask your children for a list of a few items/toys that they would like you to put back for the grandchildren. They I would call your local early childhood education center if they would like the rest. Then you could invite the teachers over to pick them up. You know it would do a lot of good for the kids.
My step-daughter works at an early childhood autism center and is always looking for reinforcers for the kids. If she lived near you she would definitely be willing to pack it up and take it, saving you the time and effort.
Sounds like a treasure trove for an early childhood or primary special education teacher.
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Interesting update on son & downsizing condo
